Author Topic: Nephew's birthday Update #99  (Read 15870 times)

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POF

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #15 on: May 03, 2013, 12:43:05 PM »
Your brother doesn't come to see you often... correct ? Would he travel if you had a child for their birthday.

I guess I never really see the big deal with birthdays.  Sure we celebrate them, but I don't expect people to give up plans to be there.

If it was a family wedding .... ok - maybe ....

I think you are fine.

NyaChan

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #16 on: May 03, 2013, 02:40:57 PM »
I don't think you are unreasonable for not going.  I think that your brother is justified in being disappointed, but it sounds more like he is miffed than disappointed.  If it were truly a matter of wanting to see you, I think they'd make more of an effort to travel to you at other times.  It could be that they just haven't realized yet though how much you come to them as opposed to them coming to you because they just took it as the status quo from past years.  Might be good to start reminding them that it is quite a distance and one they have rarely traveled.

ClaireC79

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #17 on: May 03, 2013, 02:50:10 PM »
I wonder if part of it is because you are using the vacation as an 'excuse' (for want of a better word)

So your brother is hearing you are picking vacation over nephew, whereas to you you are picking 'vacation and not attending the party' over 'staying home and not attending the party'

Just tell him it's too far (but if he wants to visit near you around nephews birthday you'll be happy to do something special for him)

Eeep!

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #18 on: May 03, 2013, 02:52:57 PM »
I wonder if part of it is because you are using the vacation as an 'excuse' (for want of a better word)

So your brother is hearing you are picking vacation over nephew, whereas to you you are picking 'vacation and not attending the party' over 'staying home and not attending the party'

Just tell him it's too far (but if he wants to visit near you around nephews birthday you'll be happy to do something special for him)

I totally agree.  Especially since the way your conversation went it is really "picking vacation over your nephew in perpetuity".
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Lexophile

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #19 on: May 03, 2013, 04:00:56 PM »
Um ...

If the OP communicated the conversation accurately, then I think the brother was rude. It's one thing to be sad and disappointed. It's quite another to passive-aggressively try to guilt someone into a different outcome.

Sure it's appropriate for the DB to be disappointed. He could have been much more polite about expressing it. If the guy assumes the vacation is an "excuse", he could have the common courtesy to ask about it.
"Submission to what people call their 'lot' is simply ignoble. If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another." - Elizabeth von Arnim

Eeep!

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2013, 05:55:05 PM »
Um ...

If the OP communicated the conversation accurately, then I think the brother was rude. It's one thing to be sad and disappointed. It's quite another to passive-aggressively try to guilt someone into a different outcome.

Sure it's appropriate for the DB to be disappointed. He could have been much more polite about expressing it. If the guy assumes the vacation is an "excuse", he could have the common courtesy to ask about it.

Not sure if you meant your Um... to come off snarky but it kind of is.

I do agree that the brother did not act maturely. It definitely is not helpful to pout and then hang up and not call back like you said you would.  But I kind of think that he DID make it pretty obvious that the fact that her vacation is always going to coincide with his son's birthday and that she will apparently always choose the vacation bugs him.  Yes, it would be a much more productive conversation for him to have said "It hurts my feelings to think that my son's birthday is never going to be more important to you than your vacation". Then I suppose the OP could have responded with an equally mature "actually, it's not just the vacation thing. Fact of the matter is that it is a really long way for me to go for his birthday party" and whatever other explanations she might have.  But she actually could have said that in response to his pouty comments too.  If the vacation isn't really the true issue - the distance is - then it would be helpful for them to have a conversation about that fact. 

But I don't know her brother and how he sounded, etc. so I may be giving him too much credit in thinking that he was just expressing his hurt in a petulant way, rather than saying it as a way to guilt her into changing her mind.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

CakeEater

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #21 on: May 03, 2013, 06:09:27 PM »
I'm going to go slightly against the grain, but only slightly.

I come from a long tradition of uncles and aunts at birthday parties: mine, my cousins' and now my nieces and nephews. So I think it's completely fine to expect that you'd want to be there. However, 7 hours is too far to expect you to actually come.

I'm also of the opinion that kids birthday parties (or anyone's reaaly) need to fall on the actual date of the birthday. I'd ask brother if next year, you could plan to come up the weekend before or after. After all, a three-year-old doesn't know what the date is. Plan a smaller 'party' with just you guys and spend some quality time. maybe brother could actually plan the big party for one of those weekends one year.

Minmom3

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2013, 06:21:39 PM »
Coming at it from the point of view of the person ALWAYS expected to do the traveling to get together with family, it gets old, very quickly.  We had family who came to see us 1 time in the 5 years we lived an hour away from them.  During that time, we went up to see them at LEAST 5 times per YEAR.  At that time, we had 3 young children and they had 2.  So, if OP and her husband were always the ones doing the traveling, and her brother, even pre family, was not, I can see how the brother gets locked into the mind set that he stays put and she comes to him.  And she (OK, me...) starts to resent the daylights out of it.

After a while, you aren't willing to BE the one doing the driving all the time. Even more so if you're 7 hours one way from the party.  That's an overnighter, in the middle of a vacation with other people.  Not a reasonable expectation on the part of the brother.  Brother needs to learn that the road goes both directions.
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Surianne

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2013, 09:53:48 PM »
It seems to me that right now, he doesn't know you wouldn't drive 7 hours for nephew's birthday (which is reasonable -- I wouldn't drive that far for a birthday, either).  He just knows that you're planning your vacation for that time each year, instead, when there are plenty of other times (to him) you could vacation.  This seems less reasonable, and more like you're deliberately snubbing their family. 

So might you consider next year, making it about the distance rather than the vacation?  Don't even mention your vacation, just explain that you're looking forward to visiting your nephew at X planned time, but can't manage another 14 hour round trip right now.

Sharnita

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2013, 10:44:53 PM »
Here's the thing - you always go with frends that weekend becuase that is when friends need/want you.  But it sounds like you schedule when you see Brother and family based on when you want to see them.  So for friends - their needs and schedule are a driving factor.  For family - your needs and schedule are the driving factor.  And while that isn't exactly "wrong" it could certainly be hurtful.

Phoebe

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #25 on: May 03, 2013, 10:57:24 PM »
Here's the thing - you always go with frends that weekend becuase that is when friends need/want you.  But it sounds like you schedule when you see Brother and family based on when you want to see them.  So for friends - their needs and schedule are a driving factor.  For family - your needs and schedule are the driving factor.  And while that isn't exactly "wrong" it could certainly be hurtful.

If the brother wants to play the hurt card, then the OP has the bigger hand.  She visits at least twice a year; brother has visited a handful of times in the last 20 years.  Apparently her brother's "needs and schedule" are a driving factor in his seeming unwillingness to visit the OP.  Why should he be hurt because the OP isn't giving up her vacation to work around his wants?

ETA:  It's apparent that over the years, DB has scheduled his visits to the OP based on when he wants to see her.  He's got no business being "hurt" without acknowledging that his actions are just as hurtful.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2013, 11:00:47 PM by Phoebe »

kareng57

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #26 on: May 03, 2013, 11:03:52 PM »
Yes, your brother is expecting too much.

I wouldn't classify my extended family as distant - but I would never expect anyone to travel more than about one hour for a niece's or nephew's birthday.  We've been there a couple of times for Nephew's birthday, but only because we've been vacationing near the area anyway (it's about 4 hours away) and during the summer.  It's the same situation for our kids.  A mailed card/present is perfectly fine.

Sharnita

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #27 on: May 03, 2013, 11:12:21 PM »
Here's the thing - you always go with frends that weekend becuase that is when friends need/want you.  But it sounds like you schedule when you see Brother and family based on when you want to see them.  So for friends - their needs and schedule are a driving factor.  For family - your needs and schedule are the driving factor.  And while that isn't exactly "wrong" it could certainly be hurtful.

If the brother wants to play the hurt card, then the OP has the bigger hand.  She visits at least twice a year; brother has visited a handful of times in the last 20 years.  Apparently her brother's "needs and schedule" are a driving factor in his seeming unwillingness to visit the OP.  Why should he be hurt because the OP isn't giving up her vacation to work around his wants?

ETA:  It's apparent that over the years, DB has scheduled his visits to the OP based on when he wants to see her.  He's got no business being "hurt" without acknowledging that his actions are just as hurtful.

I don't know that there is evidence to support this.  Yes the brother doesn't vivit but OP said that is OK.  There is also no indication that OP has extended an invite for a certain event/date and been turned down.  While it is certainly possible that has happened, OP doesn't actually indicate that has been the case.  She says to us that she doesn't mind visiting DB instead of the other way around, perhaps DB has been given the same message.

*inviteseller

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #28 on: May 04, 2013, 12:39:17 AM »
I adore my niece and nephews...but I am not going to drive more than an hour for a birthday party that is not a milestone party and if brother is hurt (vacation set aside because she still has a long drive otherwise) he would be told to stop pouting.  Like someone said..this is not a wedding, but a 3 yr olds birthday party.  I think it is rather rude of brother to throw a hissy fit that his sister won't drive a long distance for a party.  I am going to venture the guess the kid would not even care that she is not there because she is not a huge physical  presence on his life due to distance.  And if my choice to make was my annual vacation I have been doing the same time every year for years with my friends, one of whom has cancer, or driving a long distance for a relative who I see maybe 3 times a year and only because I make the effort to see them, I am picking vacation.  Maybe it sounds cruel, but again, while the brother thinks she needs to be there, birthday boy isn't going to care at his age. 

*inviteseller

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Re: Nephew's birthday
« Reply #29 on: May 04, 2013, 12:43:37 AM »
Here's the thing - you always go with frends that weekend becuase that is when friends need/want you.  But it sounds like you schedule when you see Brother and family based on when you want to see them.  So for friends - their needs and schedule are a driving factor.  For family - your needs and schedule are the driving factor.  And while that isn't exactly "wrong" it could certainly be hurtful.

If the brother wants to play the hurt card, then the OP has the bigger hand.  She visits at least twice a year; brother has visited a handful of times in the last 20 years.  Apparently her brother's "needs and schedule" are a driving factor in his seeming unwillingness to visit the OP.  Why should he be hurt because the OP isn't giving up her vacation to work around his wants?

ETA:  It's apparent that over the years, DB has scheduled his visits to the OP based on when he wants to see her.  He's got no business being "hurt" without acknowledging that his actions are just as hurtful.

I don't know that there is evidence to support this.  Yes the brother doesn't vivit but OP said that is OK.  There is also no indication that OP has extended an invite for a certain event/date and been turned down.  While it is certainly possible that has happened, OP doesn't actually indicate that has been the case.  She says to us that she doesn't mind visiting DB instead of the other way around, perhaps DB has been given the same message.

The OP said she knows he has a lot going on in his life so she makes the effort to go to him, but he is angry she has something going on in her life.  It is a 2 way street and I would begin to feel a bit put out if I was making the concessions and going to his house because of his busy life, but he won't take into consideration that I might have a life too .