General Etiquette > Life...in general
Would it be rude for me to do this?
Venus193:
My financially-challenged friend is falling into pathetic mode again. I've written about her numerous times: She's the one who applies makeup at restaurant tables, often provides TMI, rants about getting old, and is among the royalty of passive aggression.
Yesterday afternoon it became evident to me that she is falling deeply into depression and I have no idea what to say to her anymore. For a long time I've had the sneaking suspicion that in the nearly 2.5 years she has lived in the small town she moved to, she hasn't made any friends. I turned out to be right.
The latest things she said are that nobody at work likes her, that she feels isolated and lonely, and her latest financial misadventure is that she will need to refinance her house to pay back taxes, pay her lawyer, and to repair a hole in her front yard. The back taxes are about $1500; the other amounts are unknown. She has no credit cards, as she declared bankruptcy last year.
I got on her case for not making a budget (I've suggested that to her dozens of times in the past) and commented that this amount of outstanding debt does not justify a refi. One thing I asked about was the amount of her satellite TV bill, the one monthly bill she can do something about, and she admitted that it cost her about $100. I told her that, in view of the fact that it doesn't even include internet access that it was too much and she needed to cut it back. She responded with "That's all I have." It is her substitute for friendship at this time.
As to the lack of friends, I asked about the community theatre group she initially got involved with. Her response? That they haven't called her for the last two meetings. I asked her why she didn't just call them. I pointed out that sometimes she needs to take the initiative in making friends or getting anything done. She complains that nobody wants to visit her and that she doesn't have the money to come down to NYC.
She went on about how difficult it is to start one's life over at our age. I told her that moving from a large city to a village was automatically going to be difficult because it provides a smaller pool of people from which to find others to have stuff in common with, that this wasn't going to be the same as living in a smaller town had been when she was a teen and in school. For the nth time I pointed out that 53 is not the same for us as it had been for past generations and why was she determined to become an old crone before her time? Her answer? "Well, maybe I want to be one of those old ladies in The Producers' production number." (That movie was airing during the conversation).
She's told me numerous stories about how isolated she felt at work and about the hostilities of two particular individuals (I will spare you the details). She now describes her situation as "I feel like the person most likely to be voted off the island." She seems to think that because these two people are hostile that it is escalating among the others. I have told her more than once that she needs to forget this or she won't get her work done or get other assignments more to her liking.
As the conversation continued I was asking myself why I was even bothering to repeat myself anymore. She often tries to make jokes when I ask these very serious questions. Of course, a few sentences later, she said she had things to do and had to go.
I have finally hit the wall playing shrink. Would it be rude to apply Tough Love to this situation? Would it be rude to lay down the law and tell her that I don't want to hear about problems, only solutions?
ShadesOfGrey:
how about suggesting she see someone about her apparent depression? If it is a medical condition, she may need medication to improve it. Sometimes people cant actually pull themselves out of depresion, they need a little help. And it's really tough for depressed people to follow through with that firs appointment with the doctor, too. Her recent life change may have been the trigger (a friend of mine went through something like this, was on an anti-depressant for a few months, got regulated, and is now fine without them).
If she only wants to complain about life, and doesnt want to change her circumstances, then I think tough love is definitely in order. You know her best.
Venus193:
She doesn't want to take Prozac or anything similar. She frequently rants about how overmedicated we are in this country.
In separate conversations she has also complained that some people can't help their depression, that they have chemical imbalances, or something.
My take on this is that she enjoys wallowing in this kind of misery and may not realize it. One question I asked her in the past was "Do you think that if you just become pathetic enough someone will come along and rescue you?" I got dead silence in response.
Lisbeth:
I'd tell her, "It sounds like you have problems that require help that I'm not qualified to give you. I hope you're able to find ways to deal with them. In the meantime, I have to [get work done, meet someone, etc.] Best of luck. 'Bye."
ShadesOfGrey:
--- Quote from: venus193 on January 07, 2007, 10:15:15 AM ---She doesn't want to take Prozac or anything similar. She frequently rants about how overmedicated we are in this country.
In separate conversations she has also complained that some people can't help their depression, that they have chemical imbalances, or something.
My take on this is that she enjoys wallowing in this kind of misery and may not realize it. One question I asked her in the past was "Do you think that if you just become pathetic enough someone will come along and rescue you?" I got dead silence in response.
--- End quote ---
I agree we are a VERY medicated society (if only they made "politeness pills!"), and typically I dont like to look to medication as a first-line solution. Based on your first post, she sounded depressed. Based on subsequent posts, she sounds pathetic.
I vote tough-love as the other poster has suggested and as you have done before. Once she knows she cant get away with venting to you over how all the dieties must be against her because her nail chipped, I have a feeling your friendship will change significantly.
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