Author Topic: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...  (Read 8834 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Knitterly

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1557
    • That other knitting blog
I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« on: May 04, 2013, 09:56:32 AM »
Awwwwwwwwwwwkwaaaaard!!!!

Good friend Annie is preggers.  Like, really really pregnant, full term, ready to pop.  Because "full-term" coincides with May the Fourth (Star Wars day) and Annie and her husband Bob are huge geek-fans (I say this lovingly as I am likewise a huge geek-fan), Bob decided he wanted to do a party for Annie.  One last big fun thing before bebeh arrives.

Bob and Annie have a teeny tiny, itty bitty little house.

I knew nothing of the party.  Until Yesterday.  I ran into our good friend Carrie, who casually mentioned as we were about to part that "I'll be seeing you tomorrow at Annie's party, right?"
er... her say what now?
Carrie was sure that I was invited.  I knew nothing of the party.  I told Carrie that I was sure it wasn't meant meanly, but that I wouldn't be going.  I didn't want to crash something that I was sure I wasn't invited to (and not maliciously not invited to - Carrie is closer to Annie than I am and like I said, teeny tiny house).
I got a call from our good friend Dory this morning.  Dory had something for little knit and wanted to know if she'd be seeing me at Annie's tonight.  I said no, as I hadn't gotten an invite and didn't feel right just showing up. 

Apparently the invite was a facebook thing, so I checked facebook.  It wasn't in my events list as something I was invited to.  It wasn't even in Annie's or Carrie's events list, nor was it a "recommended event" (events that one or more friends are attending show up as 'recommended events - I hate this feature in facebook), meaning that Bob had made it a private event and I was truly not invited.

Please note; I am not at all offended or wounded about not being invited.  It doesn't bother me at all.  Teeny tiny house and lots of friends - the line has to be drawn somewhere, and I suspected strongly that the line was originally at those friends who are close to both Annie and Bob (I only know Bob in passing as Annie's husband) and had been gradually pushed outwards as one person mentioned it to another.

So after getting off the phone with Dory, apparently Dory called Annie to find out if I'd been invited or not.  I think she made it sound like I was hurt, as Annie just emailed me tripping over herself with apologies for not inviting me, extending an invite, and explaining (as I'd originally assumed) that the reason I hadn't been originally invited was that Bob had originally invited only a handful of mutual friends.  Carrie mentioned it to Dory, so Annie felt like she had to invite Dory. 

Annie has extended an invite to me, because "of course I love you and want you to be there".

Now, I'd like to go, but I feel kind of awkward.

Heeeeeellllllp!!!

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6252
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2013, 10:05:28 AM »
I would not go. They created a guest list and have now been guilted into expanding it.

Your statement that "you didn't feel right just showing up" implied a desire to attend which is probably why she thought you could be upset.

I recommend in the future just stating "no, I won't be there, but hope you have a great time." If pushed, you can say you have another commitment. I think bringing up that you weren't invited calls attention to the questioner's blunder and creates an uncomfortable situation for all.

kckgirl

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2878
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2013, 10:06:12 AM »
Stay home and spend time with her another day.
Maryland

Knitterly

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1557
    • That other knitting blog
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2013, 10:08:35 AM »
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?

wheeitsme

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3960
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2013, 10:11:25 AM »
I think the best gift you can give at this point is an "I totally understand (small house/lots of friends/hubs inviting), I am not upset, and while I would love to come I'm going to respect your hubs invite list - maybe next time?"  And I bet the hubs will definitely think well of you and want to see more of you.  ;)

NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4102
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2013, 10:21:22 AM »
I'd reply to her email to respond.  Changing mediums might give the impression that it is more important than it actually is to you.  And man that would irritate me if my friends put me (and the host) in that position!  Wording...still thinking...

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6252
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2013, 10:32:32 AM »
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."

Shoo

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16393
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2013, 10:35:56 AM »
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."

I agree with this.  Keep it light and nonchalant.

finecabernet

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 660
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2013, 10:51:34 AM »
I'd say you should go if you can since the damage is already done, but make it a very brief stop and drop off food or wine or something. That would ease Annie's guilt, and also ease the awkwardness for you.

That's the danger of Facebook invites!

Perfect Circle

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2972
  • Buy the sky and sell the sky and bleed the sky...
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2013, 11:19:30 AM »
I really do not think you should go. You were clearly invited only because someone else laid on the guilt.
Just decline politely.
Maybe he's caught in the legend
maybe he's caught in the mood
Maybe these maps and legends
Have been misunderstood

The map that you painted didn't seem real
He just sings whatever he's seen
Point to the legend, point to the east
Point to the yellow, red, and green

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5788
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2013, 11:19:54 AM »
I would call because tone often gets lost in text/email. I would say "Hey, please don't worry, I promise I wasn't upset about the party!! I'm not sure how it got back to you that I was but somebody was mistaken. I know you're due literally any day and I think Bob is being extremely thoughtful to keep the party small for you. We'll get together another time, no biggie, okay?" Give her a minute to respond then make a little small talk about something else. I bet she'll love you forever for being so understanding. Carrie and Dory, however, may find themselves excluded from the next intimate gathering.  ::)

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2013, 11:22:52 AM »
I wouldn't go,(hate forced invites)  but I would make sure the host and hostess knew I was ok with not getting invited and you weren't fishing for an invite .  It put both you and the host's in an awkward position for someone (who seems to not be originally invited themselves) to fish for an invitation for you.  I wouldn't email either, the phone will better convey that you are ok  with everything. 

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30461
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2013, 11:26:00 AM »
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."

I like this.

A phone call could be okay as well, bcs you have so much more nuance since you can use tone of voice. But it might make it into a bigger thing that it needs to be.

But I also might say to Dory later, "I wish you hadn't said something to Annie--It really put me in an awkward spot. It made me look like I was fishing for an invitation, and then I had to worry about offending her. It's best just to leave those sorts of things alone and not try to add people to someone else's guest list. Everybody doesn't get invited to everything."


Someone in your spot might be better to say, if they can, "Oh, no, I'm busy" instead of "I wasn't invited."

ccnumber4

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2046
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2013, 11:45:50 AM »
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."

I wouldn't say this.  It wasn't a late invite.  You were not invited.  It was a guilt invite because the host was put in a very awkward position and felt like she had to.  Just say "It's fine, don't worry about it!  Have a great time!" and decline the "invitation".  Calling it a "late invite" implies that not only should you have been invited, but that you are also upset by the lateness of it.  She told you that she only invited Dory because Carrie had mentioned it to her and she felt like she had to.  I think it's reasonable to assume that she feels the same about you. 

Honeypickle

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 278
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2013, 11:50:57 AM »
Don't go. You were not invited. Thank them anyway but say you'd love to see them another time (after the baby is born, when the dust settles).