Author Topic: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...  (Read 9157 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6635
    • Blog
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #30 on: May 05, 2013, 03:22:20 AM »
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Normally, I'd agree, but I think this situation is a bit different.

It sounds like originally, it was going to be a small party for Anne and Bob's "couple friends" (ie friends who know both Anne and Bob equally well). Now several of those friends can't make it, so they're expanding their guest list to include people who are close to Anna only.

I agree that mentioning the cancellations was a little clumsy on Anne's part, but I think she genuinely wants the OP there, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered calling her.

Roe

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6464
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #31 on: May 05, 2013, 07:52:01 AM »
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Pod.

iridaceae

  • Boring in real life as well
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3885
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #32 on: May 05, 2013, 08:15:33 AM »
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Pod.

Except Knitterly was fine with not being invited as *it made total sense to her*.  She's not offended so why be for her?

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2645
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #33 on: May 05, 2013, 10:33:10 AM »
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Pod.

Except Knitterly was fine with not being invited as *it made total sense to her*.  She's not offended so why be for her?

Me, I wouldn't go, especially after the update.  If someone doesn't want me there from the get-go, I would feel uncomfortable attending as a "B-list" or "filler" guest.  This sort of last-minute invitation has happened to me many times and after a few times of going and being treated like a gate-crasher, I now decline.

However, Knitterly knows her friends, and if she thinks they really want her there...

NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4107
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #34 on: May 05, 2013, 11:01:35 AM »
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present. 

Perfect Circle

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2997
  • Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #35 on: May 05, 2013, 11:06:54 AM »
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I agree. If I wasn't invited in the first place I would not go as it is clear I wasn't originally wanted.
There's a secret stigma, reaping wheel.
Diminish, a carnival of sorts.
Chronic town, poster torn, reaping wheel.
Stranger, stranger to these parts.

MariaE

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4678
  • So many books, so little time
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #36 on: May 05, 2013, 11:14:07 AM »
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8182
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #37 on: May 05, 2013, 11:17:54 AM »
Also the original guest list was made up by the husband, not the guest of honor.  I think he invited people he knew best.  It sounds like his wife would really like to have her there and that had she been the one to issue the invitations, Knitterly would have been invited --  on the "A" list. 

Allyson

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2016
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #38 on: May 05, 2013, 01:33:53 PM »
The A-List/B-List thing is interesting, and I think it might really depend on the group dynamics. If a friend called me up and said 'Hey, I had some people cancel for Event X, are you interested?' I wouldn't be insulted at all, and in fact have had some great experiences that way. For me, the two thoughts 'not everyone gets invited to every event, it's not insulting if you're not invited' overrides 'they didn't really want me there'. I am sure there are certain circumstances in which I'd feel uncomfortable, or like I was only being invited cause they felt they 'had' to, but the simple fact of not being on the 'first' list wouldn't do it.

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8182
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #39 on: May 05, 2013, 01:39:38 PM »
...    If a friend called me up and said 'Hey, I had some people cancel for Event X, are you interested?' I wouldn't be insulted at all   ...

Given the circumstances you indicate, I totally agree with you.

But that's not quite exactly what happened here.  What happened to spur this secondary invitation was the fact that someone ELSE had pointed out to one of the hosts that Knitterly hadn't been invited and had implied that her feelings were hurt by that.

In this case, that wasn't true.  She was okay with having not been invited and as I said in an earlier post, I suspect the true guest of honor really did want her there.  But it's that third party influence that under "normal" circumstances would make me decline.  Then I would feel that the hosts felt pressured to invite me.

Allyson

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2016
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #40 on: May 05, 2013, 01:47:09 PM »
You're right, gramma dishes! I think in this specific instance I would not feel weird going, but in others, I definitely would. I was thinking more about how many people, in general, wouldn't want to go if they felt they were a last-minute or secondary invitation, which isn't the case for me or my friends. I would definitely feel uncomfortable if I felt I wasn't wanted--I just might have a higher bar for feeling 'not wanted'.

NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4107
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #41 on: May 05, 2013, 03:36:41 PM »
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.

I think it was though, because if the party had gone exactly as the host - the husband, not the GoH - wanted, OP would not have been invited.

Bijou

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12989
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #42 on: May 05, 2013, 05:47:17 PM »
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.

I think it was though, because if the party had gone exactly as the host - the husband, not the GoH - wanted, OP would not have been invited.
I have to agree with you.   I would be very uncomfortable.
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

mlogica

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 184
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #43 on: May 05, 2013, 05:49:44 PM »
The A-List/B-List thing is interesting, and I think it might really depend on the group dynamics. If a friend called me up and said 'Hey, I had some people cancel for Event X, are you interested?' I wouldn't be insulted at all, and in fact have had some great experiences that way. For me, the two thoughts 'not everyone gets invited to every event, it's not insulting if you're not invited' overrides 'they didn't really want me there'. I am sure there are certain circumstances in which I'd feel uncomfortable, or like I was only being invited cause they felt they 'had' to, but the simple fact of not being on the 'first' list wouldn't do it.
This kind of sums up my feelings/opinion on the situation.

Thinking of how such a thing would play out in my own life:  DH and I are both runners and socially we are part of a large group of other runners.  By "large group" I mean 50 or 60 people.  Within that group, it is inevitable that everyone is not equally friends with everyone else, and that smaller groups form whose members have closer ties to each other.  Also, it is possible for individuals to have closest ties to the individuals in their "main" group, but also have pretty strong ties to individuals in other groups.  Things tend to ebb and flow, depending on who is training for what race (and therefore who is running together), who shows up on the standard run dates (generally Wednesday evening and Sunday morning), who stays around to socialize after running, etc.

So it is not unusual that several people I know well, who are members of my "main group", might be invited to a social event hosted by someone in another group who I know pretty well but am not as close to.  Because they know the host better than I do.  Especially since the 50 or 60 people I mentioned above do not necessarily include spouses - so with spouses the entire group easily approaches 100 people.

DH and I don't feel slighted if we're not invited to one of these events, and we don't feel like the host doesn't want us there.  We just appreciate the numbers involved.  And we attend group events where the reverse is true.  So if I were to hear that Kathie ("other group" member who I know well, but not as well as my main group members) is giving a party, and Susan (main group member who runs with Kathie once a week) and her DH are going, but we're not invited, my feelings aren't hurt.  With the given group dynamics, it makes sense.  And therefore if I were to hear from Kathie something like, "Hey, we're having a party on Saturday night, I know it's a little last minute but if you guys are free we hope you can be there", my assumption would be that they had fewer super-close friends attending and room for people from the broader running social circle.  And if we were free, we would go and feel no awkwardness at all.

So that was kind of a long way of saying that it really depends on the particular group dynamics and how they are perceived/understood by everyone involved.  And there can be many subtleties, especially if a given social group is large and it's just not feasible for any one person to invite absolutely everyone. If Knitterley's social group dynamics are similar to what I've described above, then I totally get why she would go to the party and not feel strange about it.

Katana_Geldar

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1861
Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #44 on: May 05, 2013, 06:03:55 PM »
This actually happened to me. All of my friends were invited to a mutual friends birthday except for me, which I was rather upset about because I had introduced them to her. In the end it was a simple mistake and when she found out I'd been left out I was include. And it wasn't major as shed invited a lot of people anyway.

Sometimes people just forget.