Author Topic: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...  (Read 8837 times)

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LifeOnPluto

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #45 on: May 05, 2013, 11:28:56 PM »
I actually don't see this as an A List / B List thing, but rather two separate but equal categories of friends - namely (1) "Friends who are equally close to Anne and Bob"; and (2) Friends who are close to Anne only.

This party was originally intended to have a guest list from Category 1. But when several of those guests cancelled, the host decided to change the focus, and extend the guest list to Category 2.

An similar example might be where a hostess wants to throw a "girls only" dinner party for all her closest female friends. But when several of those guests can't make it, she might change the focus of the party, and invite some of her male friends too. It doesn't mean that those male friends are "B List" or that the hostess doesn't want them there.

citadelle

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #46 on: May 05, 2013, 11:33:49 PM »
I actually don't see this as an A List / B List thing, but rather two separate but equal categories of friends - namely (1) "Friends who are equally close to Anne and Bob"; and (2) Friends who are close to Anne only.

This party was originally intended to have a guest list from Category 1. But when several of those guests cancelled, the host decided to change the focus, and extend the guest list to Category 2.

An similar example might be where a hostess wants to throw a "girls only" dinner party for all her closest female friends. But when several of those guests can't make it, she might change the focus of the party, and invite some of her male friends too. It doesn't mean that those male friends are "B List" or that the hostess doesn't want them there.

Makes sense, but in ths case there was no list, just one guest whose lack of invite had been made into a known issue. A slightly different scenario than extending the invitations to include another category of guest.

katycoo

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #47 on: May 06, 2013, 12:44:41 AM »
I'd say you should go if you can since the damage is already done, but make it a very brief stop and drop off food or wine or something. That would ease Annie's guilt, and also ease the awkwardness for you.

That's the danger of Facebook invites!

This isn't  FB issue its a guest assuming the guestlist issue.  Sounds like Carrie put her foot in it twice!

It is, however, one of the reasons I make my guestlists on FB public to invitees - then you can see if someone is or isn't invited.

MariaE

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #48 on: May 06, 2013, 12:46:12 AM »
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.

I think it was though, because if the party had gone exactly as the host - the husband, not the GoH - wanted, OP would not have been invited.

I realize this, but I still don't agree that the preference was for the OP not to attend. It's a semantic difference I'm not sure I can explain, but I'll try.

Of course this is based on assumptions as I can only guess at Bob's thought process.

"Prefer the OP doesn't attend" - this is a negative statement where Bob has considered it and consciously thought "No, I'd rather that she isn't there."
"Prefer somebody else attend" - this is a neutral statement to the OP, where Bob may not even have considered the OP personally, but thought "I'd like for these people to come, and unfortunately that means we're out of room and can't invite anybody else."

In the first case the OP was specifically not wanted. In the second case, she just didn't make the A-list.

Does that make any kind of sense at all?
 
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katycoo

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #49 on: May 06, 2013, 12:50:08 AM »
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

I don't mind being party filler  ;D I know it's not etiqually correct, but knowing I've been invited as a B list doesn't bother me in cases like this one where the fact that I'm on a B list makes perfect sense.

Being party filler (or B listed) doesn't mean that the host doesn't genuinely want you there, so it wouldn't make me feel awkward at all.

I feel this way too.  I don't interpret not making the cut for a particular event, particularly if its something where the numbers must be restricted, to mean they hate me and actively don't want me there.

MariaE

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #50 on: May 06, 2013, 01:04:37 AM »
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

I don't mind being party filler  ;D I know it's not etiqually correct, but knowing I've been invited as a B list doesn't bother me in cases like this one where the fact that I'm on a B list makes perfect sense.

Being party filler (or B listed) doesn't mean that the host doesn't genuinely want you there, so it wouldn't make me feel awkward at all.

I feel this way too.  I don't interpret not making the cut for a particular event, particularly if its something where the numbers must be restricted, to mean they hate me and actively don't want me there.

Exactly. At most it means they don't actively want me there, not that they actively don't want me there  ;D

DH and I were B-listed to my aunt and uncle's Cobber anniversary party. There was a cancellation, we went and had a terrific time :)
 
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bopper

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #51 on: May 06, 2013, 09:17:55 AM »
After the update, I would have gone if it is an event I would like to attend..I think it would come across kind of bad if people kind of asked if you could attend, the host asked if you could attend, you checked to make sure it was really okay, the host said really it woudl be great, and then you said "Never mind." 

Knitterly

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #52 on: May 06, 2013, 10:07:36 AM »
I went and it was really lovely.  I was one of only four guests there.

It was really, really super casual!  I wasn't able to stay long as it had been a crazy busy day, but I was able to pop in for a bit to wish my friend the best.

It really wasn't an a/b list thing and there was no offense meant in any way whatsoever by Annie or Bob.

One of the main reasons I wasn't invited, as it turns out, is that Bob actually did not have my contact info.  We're not facebook friends, he doesn't have my email address, and my phone number is stored in Annie's phone.  The people he'd invited were mutual friends he could contact on his own.

Annie gets a total pass from me on everything on account of being in that super forgetful end-of-pregnancy stage. 

So I really just want to reassure people that I'm sure there was no offense meant or taken.  It wasn't a b-list invite (even though I could see how people might get that).  I just wasn't sure if I should go or how I should respond given the fact that I was not originally invited.

Curious Cat

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #53 on: May 06, 2013, 10:19:11 AM »
Wow, sounds like a pretty poor turnout - thank goodness you decided to go or she might have felt really badly about her "party."

Zilla

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #54 on: May 06, 2013, 11:32:06 AM »
Wow, sounds like a pretty poor turnout - thank goodness you decided to go or she might have felt really badly about her "party."


Yeah, I hope now she wasn't offended after all that when the OP left early.  :o   But glad you got to wish her well.

Knitterly

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #55 on: May 06, 2013, 12:54:25 PM »
Wow, sounds like a pretty poor turnout - thank goodness you decided to go or she might have felt really badly about her "party."


Yeah, I hope now she wasn't offended after all that when the OP left early.  :o   But glad you got to wish her well.

No, I told her that I would have to be out by x:00. 

Allyson

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #56 on: May 06, 2013, 03:41:39 PM »

I realize this, but I still don't agree that the preference was for the OP not to attend. It's a semantic difference I'm not sure I can explain, but I'll try.

Of course this is based on assumptions as I can only guess at Bob's thought process.

"Prefer the OP doesn't attend" - this is a negative statement where Bob has considered it and consciously thought "No, I'd rather that she isn't there."
"Prefer somebody else attend" - this is a neutral statement to the OP, where Bob may not even have considered the OP personally, but thought "I'd like for these people to come, and unfortunately that means we're out of room and can't invite anybody else."

In the first case the OP was specifically not wanted. In the second case, she just didn't make the A-list.

Does that make any kind of sense at all?

It makes complete sense to me, MariaE, and it's how I'd see the situation, as well.

Glad the party went well, Knitterly!

MariaE

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #57 on: May 06, 2013, 04:11:18 PM »
Thanks Allyson! I'm glad I wasn't talking complete nonsense :)
 
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VorFemme

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #58 on: May 06, 2013, 07:10:51 PM »
I went and it was really lovely.  I was one of only four guests there.

It was really, really super casual!  I wasn't able to stay long as it had been a crazy busy day, but I was able to pop in for a bit to wish my friend the best.

It really wasn't an a/b list thing and there was no offense meant in any way whatsoever by Annie or Bob.

One of the main reasons I wasn't invited, as it turns out, is that Bob actually did not have my contact info.  We're not facebook friends, he doesn't have my email address, and my phone number is stored in Annie's phone.  The people he'd invited were mutual friends he could contact on his own.

Annie gets a total pass from me on everything on account of being in that super forgetful end-of-pregnancy stage. 

So I really just want to reassure people that I'm sure there was no offense meant or taken.  It wasn't a b-list invite (even though I could see how people might get that).  I just wasn't sure if I should go or how I should respond given the fact that I was not originally invited.

At that stage of the pregnancy (last six weeks to a month, is my guess?), Annie could have ended up having Bob take HER away from the party to go to the hospital!
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ccnumber4

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Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
« Reply #59 on: May 06, 2013, 10:27:30 PM »
I went and it was really lovely.  I was one of only four guests there.

It was really, really super casual!  I wasn't able to stay long as it had been a crazy busy day, but I was able to pop in for a bit to wish my friend the best.

It really wasn't an a/b list thing and there was no offense meant in any way whatsoever by Annie or Bob.

One of the main reasons I wasn't invited, as it turns out, is that Bob actually did not have my contact info.  We're not facebook friends, he doesn't have my email address, and my phone number is stored in Annie's phone.  The people he'd invited were mutual friends he could contact on his own.

Annie gets a total pass from me on everything on account of being in that super forgetful end-of-pregnancy stage. 


So I really just want to reassure people that I'm sure there was no offense meant or taken.  It wasn't a b-list invite (even though I could see how people might get that).  I just wasn't sure if I should go or how I should respond given the fact that I was not originally invited.

I hate to be nitpicky, but what did Annie do that merited a "pass" from you?  Neither she nor her husband did a single thing wrong and though you said you were "ok" with not being invited, this reads as if you really weren't.