Author Topic: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact  (Read 7889 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #15 on: May 05, 2013, 10:57:13 PM »
Why does telling someone I wasn't invited make them feel bad?  If you say it in a hurt tone or something then yes, it would make them uncomfortable, but if said in a conversational tone, then there is no reason for anyone to feel bad about it. 

VorFemme

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #16 on: May 06, 2013, 12:16:46 AM »
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

It's not lying if you DO already have plans for that time - whether they are plans that could be changed if you got a call from the hosts that your invitation got lost in the mail, sent back by the ISP for a typo in the email address, or their cell phone crashed & they didn't have your phone number to invite you (however they sent out the invitations) is another matter.

The idea is to keep the person from telling the host(s) that YOU are upset because you didn't get an invitation when you are FINE with not getting an invitation to a party where you KNOW that there are reasons why you might not be invited (inviting couples, not singles; inviting friends of the couple, not friends of only one member of the couple/family; inviting social vs. work connections; or having extremely limited seating space).

In college, we had an eat in kitchen that seated FOUR people.  VorGuy invited his brother & fiancee over to our house for dinner.  We had food prepared for FOUR people, seats for FOUR people, silverware & plates for FOUR people, and so forth & so on.

Brother & fiancee turned up with Lil Sister, too (VorGuy's Lil Sister - not fiancee's).  I had no place to sit (small table - we had an office chair - that was the wrong height for the table that I ended up on), unmatched silverware, unmatched plate, and a much smaller serving of Family Recipe that serves FOUR on my plate because I split the "serves four" casserole into five servings (with mine smaller as I knew that I didn't like it as much as VorGuy, his brother, and his sister liked it - I have no memory if the fiancee liked it or not).

Looking back - I have no idea what else could have been done....but I remember wishing that his sister had had other plans in place that night so I had a chance to talk to get to know the fiancee.

Although it ended up a moot point, they broke up a while later and he married someone else.

« Last Edit: May 06, 2013, 10:42:18 AM by VorFemme »
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Coley

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #17 on: May 06, 2013, 08:09:52 AM »
I happened to see this scenario play out on FB a couple of weeks ago. A friend posted a status update about her weekend. She learned she hadn't been invited to a party when two of her friends commented on her status, saying, "We missed you at Sally's party Saturday night!" My friend replied with, "I was not invited." Both of her friends responded with, "I'm sorry."

When I saw that exchange, I had two thoughts. The first was that it was obvious my friend wasn't at the party, so her friends created awkwardness by bringing up the party in the first place. I'm not sure I'd mention the party to someone who wasn't there.

The second thought I had was that my friend could have responded differently than "I was not invited," although I'm not sure she intended anything more than an honest and straightforward response. It's hard to know what tone she had in mind when she wrote it. I'm also not sure what she should have said instead. It did elicit an apology from the two friends though.

TootsNYC

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #18 on: May 06, 2013, 08:43:58 AM »
I sort of think the other person they should apologize to is their hostess.

*new*mommyagain36

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2013, 10:17:32 AM »
Years ago my cousin was getting married.  They invited only immediate family and aunts/uncles.
My Mom called and asked if I got an invitation.  I said I did not.  Mom calls her sister (MOG) and then calls me back to report they weren't able to invite any cousins.  Ok, I'm fine with that.
My Aunt (another one of Mom's sisters) gets wind of my non-invite and calls me to make sure I'm ok with not being invited.  Yes, of course, I am.  It's all good.  I am then invited to a bridal shower.  I decline.  No wedding invite = no shower invite in my book so I don't go and I don't send a gift.  A few days before the wedding My Aunt cannot go due to an emergency so she calls me and tells me to go in her place.  No.  I am not going to do that.  Wasn't invited, not going.
My Mom calls me the day after the wedding and says "everyone" was asking where I was.  Mom said I had not been invited.  Cousin (Grooms sister) says to Mom, "oh she could've come anyway."
What?!  Mom states as she was leaving at the end of the evening, she spoke to the Bride and Groom and the Groom asked why I had not attended the wedding.  Mom said, "because she wasn't invited"  Groom said, oh she could've come anyway.  Again, what?!  I also got a card in the mail about 2 weeks after the wedding saying, in part, "sorry we missed you at our wedding.."  I was just...huh?  so, I wasn't invited but, hey, I could've gone anyway!   ;)
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Thipu1

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #20 on: May 06, 2013, 10:55:08 AM »
I had a boss like that too.  It was customary for a cake and a card to be presented for birthdays.  Mine would be noticed only once every two or three years, even though part-timers and volunteer birthdays were celebrated without fail. 

I was even asked, via email, if I wanted any sort of party for my retirement.  Having worked there for 20 plus years, I certainly did.  What I got was less than the party summer interns received. 

Did it hurt?  Sure.  Did I understand? No. 

I think she didn't like me because I often played Devil's Advocate in meetings.  Boss had grandiose plans for the library.  I had explained that it's better to have possible problems brought up by someone on her side than by someone who wasn't on her side. She never quite got that. 
« Last Edit: May 06, 2013, 11:27:10 AM by Thipu1 »

gellchom

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #21 on: May 06, 2013, 11:12:47 AM »
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

You're right.  And I agree, it's fine to tell her you weren't invited.

I just meant that I would try hard to say it in a way that would minimize the innocent person's embarrassment.  A blunt "I wasn't invited" wouldn't do that.  It could potentially create more drama, get back to the hosts, or around to others, that you are upset, and make people annoyed with the innocent person for blabbing about the party.  It could also, as LifeOnPluto mentioned, make the innocent person think less of the hosts.  And it could make you look like that's exactly what you are trying to do, to punish them for not inviting you, and perhaps to punish this person for humiliating you. 

You could say instead something like, "You know, I'm sure you didn't realize it, but it's a smaller party this time, and they just couldn't include everyone they would have liked to at this party, including me.  Petunia and I are going to get together another time.  Don't worry, I'm fine with it."

wolfie

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #22 on: May 06, 2013, 11:29:07 AM »
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

You're right.  And I agree, it's fine to tell her you weren't invited.

I just meant that I would try hard to say it in a way that would minimize the innocent person's embarrassment.  A blunt "I wasn't invited" wouldn't do that.  It could potentially create more drama, get back to the hosts, or around to others, that you are upset, and make people annoyed with the innocent person for blabbing about the party.  It could also, as LifeOnPluto mentioned, make the innocent person think less of the hosts.  And it could make you look like that's exactly what you are trying to do, to punish them for not inviting you, and perhaps to punish this person for humiliating you. 

You could say instead something like, "You know, I'm sure you didn't realize it, but it's a smaller party this time, and they just couldn't include everyone they would have liked to at this party, including me.  Petunia and I are going to get together another time.  Don't worry, I'm fine with it."

If someone told me they weren't invited I would just assume that there might be history between them and the host, or it was an event they weren't interested in, or a bunch of other things - but I wouldn't assume they were hurt over it. But if they said what you just typed I would assume they were very hurt over it and were trying to put on a brave face.

heartmug

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #23 on: May 06, 2013, 12:12:01 PM »
I had to tell my dd that.  Her friend was invited to b-day party of little girl she babysits ("Lily").  Friend says to dd "I will see you tomorrow at Lily's party" (Lily lives very close by and dd has babysat just a few times for them when friend, whose parents are good friends with Lily's parents, couldn't do it).

DD comes home and tells me.  I said "You can't go there you weren't invited."  She tells her friend that who was bewildered and thought you just showed up to parties you heard about.  I stood firm and my dd didn't go.  Next year, she did get an invite.
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gellchom

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #24 on: May 06, 2013, 12:29:19 PM »
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

You're right.  And I agree, it's fine to tell her you weren't invited.

I just meant that I would try hard to say it in a way that would minimize the innocent person's embarrassment.  A blunt "I wasn't invited" wouldn't do that.  It could potentially create more drama, get back to the hosts, or around to others, that you are upset, and make people annoyed with the innocent person for blabbing about the party.  It could also, as LifeOnPluto mentioned, make the innocent person think less of the hosts.  And it could make you look like that's exactly what you are trying to do, to punish them for not inviting you, and perhaps to punish this person for humiliating you. 

You could say instead something like, "You know, I'm sure you didn't realize it, but it's a smaller party this time, and they just couldn't include everyone they would have liked to at this party, including me.  Petunia and I are going to get together another time.  Don't worry, I'm fine with it."

If someone told me they weren't invited I would just assume that there might be history between them and the host, or it was an event they weren't interested in, or a bunch of other things - but I wouldn't assume they were hurt over it. But if they said what you just typed I would assume they were very hurt over it and were trying to put on a brave face.

Yeah, I see what you mean.  I guess it's all in the delivery. You need to consider the audience and circumstances.

The point is just to try to respond in a way that avoids drama and hard feelings, irrespective of whose fault it is.

Twik

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #25 on: May 06, 2013, 12:35:17 PM »
I think newmommy36 and heartmug's stories indicate that some people have never really "gotten" that you must invite people to your parties. They think that adult entertaining is rather like throwing a house party when you're a teen/college student - just get the word out, and people will come, the more the merrier.

However, they should not be encouraged in this. Heartmug's story shows how these people can be politely trained to invite the people they want to see, if they want to see them.
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Lynn2000

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #26 on: May 06, 2013, 01:02:38 PM »
I think I would just matter-of-factly say "I wasn't invited" if such a situation arose. Of course a lot of it is tone and body language. I wouldn't want to convey the idea that I was hurt not to be invited (even if I was)--that could get around to other people and be construed as sour grapes, whining, etc..

I would definitely not go so far as to make excuses for the host, though, or say that I couldn't/wouldn't have come even if I was invited because of XYZ, or say that I was planning to get together with the host later if I actually wasn't. Far too elaborate for me. It is what it is: I didn't go because I wasn't invited.

Well, maybe if the situation was like, the host didn't bother to invite me because they knew I didn't like XYZ event, or because they knew I was going to be out of town that weekend, I might say that, if I had reason to believe that was actually true. But I wouldn't make it up out of thin air to make the person I was talking to feel better. That's just life, sometimes things are awkward.
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rose red

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #27 on: May 06, 2013, 01:25:10 PM »
I would definitely not go so far as to make excuses for the host, though, or say that I couldn't/wouldn't have come even if I was invited because of XYZ, or say that I was planning to get together with the host later if I actually wasn't. Far too elaborate for me. It is what it is: I didn't go because I wasn't invited.

I agree.  I would just say "Oh, I wasn't invited" in a casual manner.  Making excuses or outright lying for the person will make me look petty for never accepting at least one invitation.  If people start noticing tension, they may assume it's me because, after all, the other is the bigger person by issuing invitations and I'm the one always declining, right?

jpcher

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #28 on: May 06, 2013, 04:03:31 PM »
Many years ago I left work on Friday evening, and said good bye to my boss.

He said "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow!"

I said "Tomorrow? Am I suppose to work OT tomorrow?"

He looked like a deer stuck in headlights and stammered "Uh, no. Um. No! No OT. Ahhhh I guess, um, I meant to say, um, see you Monday?"

I didn't think anything of it until Monday when I heard several CWs say to another CW "Great party!" "Thanks for the party!" "Your home is beautiful!" "We had such a good time!"

Turns out CW had a housewarming party and invited the whole office except for me.

For months (just the two of us would go out to lunch together at least once a week, go for coffee, etc.) I'd been listening to her regale about the construction/decoration/planning/highs and lows. I thought that we were friends.

She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee. :-\

Carotte

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Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
« Reply #29 on: May 06, 2013, 08:53:18 PM »
This all reminds me of the fact that I wasn't invited to any parties in 5 years of upper educations.
Oh there were plenty of them, and I'll pass on the whole let's discuss our upcoming or past parties with Carotte just in the middle knowing that she wasn't there.
I was (and still am somewhat) a bit bittersweet about it, because of some health issues and the fact that I didn't drink alcohol I got started on the wrong foot, I think most people got the idea that i didn't like to go to parties, so I didn't get invited, so I didn't bond with my classmates as much as the 98% of the grade who went to the parties, so I didn't get invited to the next parties and so on ... (and wasn't sought out during class time to talk about anything either).
And since I'm of the 'didn't get an invitation from the host, don't show up' I never 'crashed' a party where it could have been 'accepted' to do so.

So yeah, I think that the few times someone actually mentioned something I just told the truth 'I wasn't invited'. Sometimes it was because it was a small get together, because I wasn't actually that close to the host, mostly because no one had thought of me. I don't think it changed anything for me, but sometimes it will remind people that hey, I should not forget to invite So and So this time...