s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact

[Morrigan]

At my library (where I've worked for almost 2 years), one of my co-workers just had a baby shower.  I wasn't invited, but new of it because (it seemd as if) everyone else was invited.  Everyone was talking about it.  Even the two guys that work at the library were invited.

I wasn't.  I only found out where it had been held (after the fact) when a co-worker asked me to see if it was haunted (I'm a reference librarian).  A few days after the fact, a close co-worker was talking about one of the presents the mother-to-be got and said something like she assumed I'd known about it and been invited.

When I quietly told her that I wasn't invited, nor did I even know where it had been, she was really surprised.  Apparently every other woman in the library had been invited.

I found out a few days after that that three of us hadn't been invited.  Out of over 30.

[Library Dragon]

Other than silly middle school parties the only non-invite that bothered me was the going away party for the music teacher at the school where I was the librarian.  It was after school one day and I was getting ready to leave.  Another teacher casually asked if I wasn't going to the party.  Party? What party? 

Turns out this was the staff farewell for Muzak.  It had been arranged by one of the teacher's aides who didn't like me (I had stopped her from having whispered conversations with cheerleaders while I was in the midst of teaching--she was a cheer coach--and I gave her son detention for bullying another student).  She had informed every other staff member but not me.  I had not brought food or gift.  It was a few weeks before the end of the school year so I didn't think it was so soon. 

It was doubly hurtful because Muzak and I had socialized, work closely together at school.  She had also been a listening year for DS2 when he was concerned about his brother doing search and rescue in New Orleans with the National Guard.  I had wanted to appropriately thank her.

The computer teacher and I took her out for lunch the next week.

[ladyknight1]

I have never crashed a party. My son (14) has had several incidents where someone will pop by our house, and say that the party DS is supposed to be at has started, and I will refuse to let him go, because I have no way of knowing that DS has been invited, without an invitation!

[Raintree]

At my library (where I've worked for almost 2 years), one of my co-workers just had a baby shower.  I wasn't invited, but new of it because (it seemd as if) everyone else was invited.  Everyone was talking about it.  Even the two guys that work at the library were invited.

I'd have heaved a sigh of relief that I didn't have to think up an excuse not to spend a perfectly good weekend day (assuming it was a weekend day) at one of these dreadful gatherings, and worse, spend money on a gift for someone I wasn't close to (I'd rather budget gift money for someone I care about, like family). You were LUCKY. I loathe those things.

(But I do understand that it wasn't fun to be excluded like that)

[Roe]

Other than silly middle school parties the only non-invite that bothered me was the going away party for the music teacher at the school where I was the librarian.  It was after school one day and I was getting ready to leave.  Another teacher casually asked if I wasn't going to the party.  Party? What party? 

Turns out this was the staff farewell for Muzak.  It had been arranged by one of the teacher's aides who didn't like me (I had stopped her from having whispered conversations with cheerleaders while I was in the midst of teaching--she was a cheer coach--and I gave her son detention for bullying another student).  She had informed every other staff member but not me.  I had not brought food or gift.  It was a few weeks before the end of the school year so I didn't think it was so soon. 

It was doubly hurtful because Muzak and I had socialized, work closely together at school.  She had also been a listening year for DS2 when he was concerned about his brother doing search and rescue in New Orleans with the National Guard.  I had wanted to appropriately thank her.

The computer teacher and I took her out for lunch the next week.

Aw, you should've gone to the party.  I'm sure the music teacher would've appreciated having you there even if you didn't take food.   

Something similar happened to my grandfather during his retirement party.  His close friend, Uncle Dan, was given the responsibility of handing out invitations to my grandfather's coworkers for the surprise retirement party.  The rest of us didn't realize Uncle Dan left Bob off the guest list because he didn't like him, even though my GF and Bob were friends.

Well, the night of the retirement party, Bob shows up anyway.    He told my grandmother the story of how he knew my GF would've wanted him there.  lol.  And so it worked out and though Uncle Dan tried to be sneaky, it didn't work.   

[siamesecat2965]

Many years ago I left work on Friday evening, and said good bye to my boss.

He said "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow!"

I said "Tomorrow? Am I suppose to work OT tomorrow?"

He looked like a deer stuck in headlights and stammered "Uh, no. Um. No! No OT. Ahhhh I guess, um, I meant to say, um, see you Monday?"

I didn't think anything of it until Monday when I heard several CWs say to another CW "Great party!" "Thanks for the party!" "Your home is beautiful!" "We had such a good time!"

Turns out CW had a housewarming party and invited the whole office except for me.

For months (just the two of us would go out to lunch together at least once a week, go for coffee, etc.) I'd been listening to her regale about the construction/decoration/planning/highs and lows. I thought that we were friends.

She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee.

OH that's just wrong. It assumes you would have brought your kids regardless of whether or not they were invited, and that you wouldn't have or couldn't have gotten a babysitter. I would have wanted to respond with the same thing you didn't say, because I can be snarky like that sometimes.  Bad enough everyone but you was invited, but the added insult was her coming to you and telling you, yeah, I had a party, and you weren't invited, and this is why. jr hs behavior.

Yeah, I also would have found other things to do when she wanted to go for coffee too.

[Morrigan]

At my library (where I've worked for almost 2 years), one of my co-workers just had a baby shower.  I wasn't invited, but new of it because (it seemd as if) everyone else was invited.  Everyone was talking about it.  Even the two guys that work at the library were invited.

I'd have heaved a sigh of relief that I didn't have to think up an excuse not to spend a perfectly good weekend day (assuming it was a weekend day) at one of these dreadful gatherings, and worse, spend money on a gift for someone I wasn't close to (I'd rather budget gift money for someone I care about, like family). You were LUCKY. I loathe those things.

(But I do understand that it wasn't fun to be excluded like that)

lol.    I couldn't have gone anyway (same day as DH's graduation), but to be 1 of 3 women that weren't invited when everyone else was...that's what hurt more than anything.

[half_dollars]

How sad is it that this happens in the workplace?  Shouldn't people being promoted to a supervisor position know better?

Before children, I was the only female of a team of 5.  We had worked together 3 years before I "retired".  My last Christmas there, my boss handed out gifts to the other 4.  I kept working at my desk, which was part of the group cubicle with our backs to each other.  About 2 days later, my boss stops by and says he tried to buy an amazon gift card for me because I like to read but there's a problem with his credit card and to let him know if I don't receive an email from amazon.  Never received the email.  Never let him know.  I was an outsider for years, but always participated in office activities, often times taking time away from being with my husband, so I never realized just how "low man on the totem pole" I was.  I cried my entire drive home, I was so hurt.

I, too, didn't get a "going away" party when I left.  But, by that time, I didn't care.

[Lynn2000]

How sad is it that this happens in the workplace?  Shouldn't people being promoted to a supervisor position know better?

Before children, I was the only female of a team of 5.  We had worked together 3 years before I "retired".  My last Christmas there, my boss handed out gifts to the other 4.  I kept working at my desk, which was part of the group cubicle with our backs to each other.  About 2 days later, my boss stops by and says he tried to buy an amazon gift card for me because I like to read but there's a problem with his credit card and to let him know if I don't receive an email from amazon.  Never received the email.  Never let him know.  I was an outsider for years, but always participated in office activities, often times taking time away from being with my husband, so I never realized just how "low man on the totem pole" I was.  I cried my entire drive home, I was so hurt.

I, too, didn't get a "going away" party when I left.  But, by that time, I didn't care.

That's awful if it was a deliberate snub! However, pretty much every year when I buy my friend an electronic Amazon gift card, I have to remind her to check her junk mail folder, and occasionally I have to resend it because it doesn't make it to her. You know best what the "vibe" from him was; but as a generic situation, technical problems really do happen sometimes.

In this specific situation, though, he should have gotten you something else when he suspected the gift card wasn't working (assuming he was telling the truth), so he could give it to you along with the other people's gifts. He could always cancel the gift card (or ask you to cancel it) or use it for himself if it eventually went through.

[earthgirl]

OP's story reminded me of a situation I was in several years ago when I was teaching at a small private school (about 20 teachers).  I walked into the office to make copies one day and found a party invitation sitting in the copier -- it was for a housewarming party for the math teacher.  Because it was brightly colored I couldn't help but notice that there was a copy of the invitation in several teachers' mailboxes, but I didn't receive one.  I figured that either she hadn't finished distributing the invitations or I wasn't invited; since I wasn't particularly close to the math teacher I didn't care much if I wasn't invited, and wouldn't have given it a second thought (other than a second of annoyance about having left the invitation in the copier for anyone to see if she didn't plan on inviting everyone).

But then a few days later, at lunch, with several other teachers present, the math teacher said, "I don't understand why so few of you have RSVPed to my party this weekend!" 

The computer teacher said, "I didn't RSVP because I didn't receive an invitation." and I piped up and said, "Me either."  -- thinking that, if she was talking about it in front of us,  my lack of invitation had been an oversight.

Not so.  The math teacher just said, "Oh, that's because I didn't invite you."

I said, "Oh, okay," but later on checked in with the computer teacher -- "That was kind of weird, right?  If we weren't invited, why was she talking about it in front of us?"  The infinitely older and wiser computer teacher agreed that the math teacher should have been more discreet about the details of her party. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't paying much attention to who else might have heard me say that, because later that day I was confronted by the math teacher, "I heard you were upset that you weren't invited to my party.  I can't fit everybody in my house, I couldn't possibly invite everyone."

I kind of stuttered and stammered, "No, that's fine, I understand, I wasn't upset that I wasn't invited, just confused that you were talking about it with people who weren't invited."

And she just continued with, "You should know I can't fit everybody into my house, you shouldn't take it personally that I didn't invite you."  I don't think she ever really understood that it wasn't the lack of invitation that irritated me, but her open discussion about it in front of me. 

[siamesecat2965]

How sad is it that this happens in the workplace?  Shouldn't people being promoted to a supervisor position know better?

Before children, I was the only female of a team of 5.  We had worked together 3 years before I "retired".  My last Christmas there, my boss handed out gifts to the other 4.  I kept working at my desk, which was part of the group cubicle with our backs to each other.  About 2 days later, my boss stops by and says he tried to buy an amazon gift card for me because I like to read but there's a problem with his credit card and to let him know if I don't receive an email from amazon.  Never received the email.  Never let him know.  I was an outsider for years, but always participated in office activities, often times taking time away from being with my husband, so I never realized just how "low man on the totem pole" I was.  I cried my entire drive home, I was so hurt.

I, too, didn't get a "going away" party when I left.  But, by that time, I didn't care.

That's awful if it was a deliberate snub! However, pretty much every year when I buy my friend an electronic Amazon gift card, I have to remind her to check her junk mail folder, and occasionally I have to resend it because it doesn't make it to her. You know best what the "vibe" from him was; but as a generic situation, technical problems really do happen sometimes.

In this specific situation, though, he should have gotten you something else when he suspected the gift card wasn't working (assuming he was telling the truth), so he could give it to you along with the other people's gifts. He could always cancel the gift card (or ask you to cancel it) or use it for himself if it eventually went through.

Or simply say "hey, I got you an Amazon GC, but in the past I've had some issues with them being delivered, so I just wanted to make sure you got it" Or, he could have checked with Amazon to see if it had been paid for/sent, and taken it from there.  I'm guessing he never sent it, but wanted to make it seem like you had been included, and perhaps counting on the fact you might not say anything if it never showed up.

[blueyzca01]

Many years ago I left work on Friday evening, and said good bye to my boss.

He said "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow!"

I said "Tomorrow? Am I suppose to work OT tomorrow?"

He looked like a deer stuck in headlights and stammered "Uh, no. Um. No! No OT. Ahhhh I guess, um, I meant to say, um, see you Monday?"

I didn't think anything of it until Monday when I heard several CWs say to another CW "Great party!" "Thanks for the party!" "Your home is beautiful!" "We had such a good time!"

Turns out CW had a housewarming party and invited the whole office except for me.

For months (just the two of us would go out to lunch together at least once a week, go for coffee, etc.) I'd been listening to her regale about the construction/decoration/planning/highs and lows. I thought that we were friends.

She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee.

OH that's just wrong. It assumes you would have brought your kids regardless of whether or not they were invited, and that you wouldn't have or couldn't have gotten a babysitter. I would have wanted to respond with the same thing you didn't say, because I can be snarky like that sometimes.  Bad enough everyone but you was invited, but the added insult was her coming to you and telling you, yeah, I had a party, and you weren't invited, and this is why. jr hs behavior.

Yeah, I also would have found other things to do when she wanted to go for coffee too.

Sadly, these days, so many people are completely clueless and think that their child is welcome everywhere...even though invitations state "No children please" and people discuss how a party is adult-only.  Maybe she thought that, despite telling you that your child wasn't invited, you might have shown up with him anyway.

I've been burned before with some friends showing up with offspring that I had specifically said were not welcome....I don't invite these friends to my parties anymore.

[Roe]

Blueyzca01, that may be true but she didn't even give Jpcher a chance.  I'd have been busy when she wanted to go out for coffee as well.  I'd probably be too busy to chat with her more than a polite "hello" and "goodbye." 

[siamesecat2965]

Blueyzca01, that may be true but she didn't even give Jpcher a chance.  I'd have been busy when she wanted to go out for coffee as well.  I'd probably be too busy to chat with her more than a polite "hello" and "goodbye."

Yup - that was the point I was trying to convey. Leaving someone out just because you think they might bring their kids and its adults only is just plain rude.  If someone told me I hadn't been invited to something based on the possibility I might do something the host wouldn't like, I'd be a bit put out too.

[CreteGirl]

A couple of years ago, a woman in our department was celebrating a milestone birthday and invited everyone in our department to a party, except for me.

The worst part was the party was right after work.  Everyone brought their party clothes to change into at work.  Some even brought outfits and shoes for others to borrow, and there was much excitement as everyone tried on different clothes and shoes. 

I got to sit there and watch as they all got ready at the office for the big night out I was not invited to.