Author Topic: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused  (Read 9828 times)

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Aoife

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Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« on: May 05, 2013, 05:13:13 PM »
Hi,

Today I cycled over to see a friend who's just got a new bike but was too nervous to go out by herself on it - we'd arranged to go for an easy cycle near her house on cycle paths.

It's about 30 minutes to her house from mine, I'm currently pregnant and I'm pretty sure my baby thinks my bladder is a trampoline ::) When I arrived she opened the door, but held it half open and sort of stuck her head around it to talk to me. I handed over some stuff I'd brought for her and asked if I could use her loo, saying it was ok if I couldn't (I guessed from the way she was holding the door that she wasn't going to ask me in), I'd go up to the coffee shop a few streets away.

She said sorry, no, the house was a tip, so I went to the coffee shop and came back. We went for our cycle and it was all good, then I went home again afterwards.

It's probably me being unreasonable but I was a bit put out, though obviously I didn't let on to her that I was. If a friend asks to use my bathroom, I can't imagine saying no, I would feel rude if I did. (Though I have on occasion said 'yes, just let me run up and check it first' then done a quick removal of laundry on landing / emptied the bathroom bin).

It was still bugging me a little so I thought I'd ask options here as to any etiquette involved. Typing it all out has done wonders though and I'm no longer bugged  :) It may have been more of a friendship issue than an etiquette issue.

NyaChan

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2013, 05:17:49 PM »
Well, I have a feeling that her place may have looked like mine did a couple of days ago where I would have been embarrassed had I found a burglar had come through the place and seen it.  If I knew mine was the only bathroom available, I would have just apologized profusely and let a friend run through.  If I knew there was another bathroom close by, I'd probably do what she did  - especially if the person asking had said it was okay to say no as you did in your situation.

Deetee

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2013, 05:29:25 PM »
Unless I was actually storing a dismembered body in the bathtub I can't imagine not allowing a friend to use my bathroom.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2013, 05:37:23 PM »
I have refused to let someone use my bathroom but that's because I had a stomach virus and had been running from both ends all night.  But that's about the only time I'd refuse to allow someone to use it.

I'm not the world's best housekeeper so if it was in one of its less clean states, I would warn friend about the condition but let them in to use it.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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delabela

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2013, 05:39:24 PM »
Even if my house were in a terrible state (and it has been before) I would not refuse someone using the bathroom unless there was actually something wrong with it or dangerous.  Like if I was waiting on a plumber or something.

OP, have you ever been in your friend's house?  Maybe she doesn't let people in her house at all. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2013, 05:43:05 PM »
Unless I was actually storing a dismembered body in the bathtub I can't imagine not allowing a friend to use my bathroom.

Yeah, especially since you were doing her a favor!

Amara

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2013, 05:43:44 PM »
I would not refuse regardless of condition because ... well, because it seems rude to let concern or embarrassment over any messiness take precedence over the need to relieve oneself.

Aoife

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2013, 05:53:05 PM »
Deetee - that made me laugh, I really hope it wasn't that!

Delabela - I have been in her house before, many times.

I really got the impression she wasn't comfortable with me on the doorstep, that was why I'd mentioned the coffeeshop. She's seen my house when it's been a mess which is perhaps why it bothered me so much.

TootsNYC

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2013, 05:57:10 PM »
I'm actually a little surprised that you even offered to go to the nearby coffee shop. Her body language must have been really extreme!

I don't know what etiquette would say, officially. I just know I would *never* do that to someone that I actually knew. Turn them away from using my potty, I mean.

Bashful

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2013, 06:04:53 PM »
Maybe she had a problem with her whole house, not just the bathroom. This looks like a movie scene, where your friend has a "special someone" in her apartment and doesn't want you to find out!
Probably this isn't rude (you can always refuse a request, I guess), but seems really weird to me!

citadelle

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2013, 06:13:12 PM »
Reminds me if this thread:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124462.0

Circumstances were a bit different, but consensus seemed to be that one has the right to politely decline.

I myself would definitely say yes, but there are clearly other opinions!

TootsNYC

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2013, 06:23:17 PM »
Reminds me if this thread:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124462.0

Circumstances were a bit different, but consensus seemed to be that one has the right to politely decline.

I myself would definitely say yes, but there are clearly other opinions!

I think the circumstances are VERY different. In that one, the OP didn't refuse her the use of the bathroom. If the aunt had taken off her snowy boots and walked across the freshly washed floor in stocking feet, she'd have been welcome.

Also, the aunt wasn't invited over--in THIS thread, the OP was requested to come to her friend's house. (Apparently "to" but not "into.")

Isisnin

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2013, 06:31:08 PM »
The friend was rude. Very rude. She knew ahead of time you were coming over and knew you were bicycling over. So she should have cleaned up and invited you in the moment you arrived and offered you a drink.

If someone drops by unexpectedly, the homeowner needn't invite them in or allow them to use the bathroom. Though I like the OP's noting that the homeowner can say "yes, just let me run up and check it first' then done a quick removal of laundry on landing / emptied the bathroom bin".  Never thought of that before.

SiotehCat

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2013, 06:45:18 PM »
I think your friend was fine to refuse. I probably would have also refused.

I don't like people in my house. I can deal with it if I have plenty of notice, but not in a case like the OP's.

Sharnita

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2013, 06:47:12 PM »
I disagree that she was rude. Her "messy" might be way beyond OP's "messy". Her messy might take days to clean. If she heard an apology for OP's standard of "messy" it might make her even less willing to have OP see a whole different level of "messy".