Author Topic: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused  (Read 11993 times)

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CakeBeret

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #15 on: May 05, 2013, 06:48:51 PM »
There have been times when my house has been embarrassingly messy, and I've tried to keep people out of it by meeting them on the front porch. And once when that happened, my mom asked to use the bathroom. I was mortified, but I let her in and apologized for the mess.

I have to say, I'd be shocked and kind of bothered if a friend refused to let me use her bathroom. Especially if I was pregnant AND doing something nice for her.

I think it's one of those things that's not rude, but can cause hurt feelings and discomfort.
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sammycat

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2013, 06:52:41 PM »
The friend was rude. Very rude. She knew ahead of time you were coming over and knew you were bicycling over. So she should have cleaned up and invited you in the moment you arrived and offered you a drink.

If someone drops by unexpectedly, the homeowner needn't invite them in or allow them to use the bathroom. Though I like the OP's noting that the homeowner can say "yes, just let me run up and check it first' then done a quick removal of laundry on landing / emptied the bathroom bin".  Never thought of that before.

I agree.  The friend knew OP was coming; in fact OP was doing friend a favour. The very least she could do is let her use the toilet.

My house can be a pigsty at times too, but I'd never refuse a friend the use of my toilet.

citadelle

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2013, 06:57:31 PM »
The friend was rude. Very rude. She knew ahead of time you were coming over and knew you were bicycling over. So she should have cleaned up and invited you in the moment you arrived and offered you a drink.

If someone drops by unexpectedly, the homeowner needn't invite them in or allow them to use the bathroom. Though I like the OP's noting that the homeowner can say "yes, just let me run up and check it first' then done a quick removal of laundry on landing / emptied the bathroom bin".  Never thought of that before.

I agree.  The friend knew OP was coming; in fact OP was doing friend a favour. The very least she could do is let her use the toilet.

My house can be a pigsty at times too, but I'd never refuse a friend the use of my toilet.

Was it really a favor? Or just friends going on a bike ride? I did not get the sense in the OP that this was something she didn't really want to do or put her out.

Sharnita

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #18 on: May 05, 2013, 07:02:07 PM »
OP, have you been inside her home before? If so, when was the last time? Do you know if many other friends are allowed inside.

sammycat

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #19 on: May 05, 2013, 07:13:52 PM »
The friend was rude. Very rude. She knew ahead of time you were coming over and knew you were bicycling over. So she should have cleaned up and invited you in the moment you arrived and offered you a drink.

If someone drops by unexpectedly, the homeowner needn't invite them in or allow them to use the bathroom. Though I like the OP's noting that the homeowner can say "yes, just let me run up and check it first' then done a quick removal of laundry on landing / emptied the bathroom bin".  Never thought of that before.

I agree.  The friend knew OP was coming; in fact OP was doing friend a favour. The very least she could do is let her use the toilet.

My house can be a pigsty at times too, but I'd never refuse a friend the use of my toilet.

Was it really a favor? Or just friends going on a bike ride? I did not get the sense in the OP that this was something she didn't really want to do or put her out.

Today I cycled over to see a friend who's just got a new bike but was too nervous to go out by herself on it

It reads like a favour to me, rather than just 2 friends deciding spontaneously to go for a ride. 

Even it wasn't a favour, I still think it was rude of friend to refuse the use of her toilet. It's not as if OP simply turned up on her doorstep unannounced (and even then I'd still let a friend use my toilet). Friend knew OP was coming; in those circumstances I'd assume the chances are high that the visitor would enter the house.

flowersintheattic

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #20 on: May 05, 2013, 07:16:19 PM »
How many bathrooms does the friend's house have? My first thought was that she was having some sort of problem with the toilet - a clog or something else that was preventing use of the bathroom. If that's the case, there may have been some level of odor or mess that made her not want to open the door.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #21 on: May 05, 2013, 07:18:19 PM »
How many bathrooms does the friend's house have? My first thought was that she was having some sort of problem with the toilet - a clog or something else that was preventing use of the bathroom. If that's the case, there may have been some level of odor or mess that made her not want to open the door.

I would have expected her to say that the bathroom was out of order.

Rusty

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2013, 07:21:49 PM »
I think your friend was rude.   You were not unexpected, you are pregnant and anyone who has ever been pregnant knows using the toilet becomes a priority at times.

Are you sure she was not hiding a lover in there somewhere!

Everyone has a messy house at times and a simple request to you to "don't mind the mess" should have been sufficient.

How close a "friend" is this?

Marcia

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2013, 07:25:41 PM »
I would not refuse regardless of condition because ... well, because it seems rude to let concern or embarrassment over any messiness take precedence over the need to relieve oneself.

I completely agree with this.

Kaypeep

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #24 on: May 05, 2013, 07:35:37 PM »
My mom is a hoarder.  SHe never let anyone inside, not even her own brother who once asked to use the restroom before driving home (he was dropping her off before driving home.)  I bet your friend is a hoarder.  Is it rude of her to not let you use the restroom.  I say no, but it's somewhat unreasonable.  But nothing is going to change it, so now you know not to ask and prepare yourself for next time, if there is a next time.

Aoife

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #25 on: May 05, 2013, 07:41:53 PM »
I hope this covers all the questions asked -

I've been in her house lots of times, it has one bathroom. The last time was a while ago though, maybe three weeks to a month. She lives by herself so I doubt she'd let unknown men in, but she lets people in generally. It would be lovely if she had a secret lover, I hope so! We've known each other for about 10 years, I met her though my husband, they're friends from uni.

She did know I was coming, it was arranged earlier in the week. As for it being a favour, she said she was nervous of going out alone so I offered to cycle with her and she accepted. Cycling is something I enjoy and it was a lovely day, so I wasn't put out at all.

Yikes, the aunt in that thread was horrifically rude, I can understand refusing entry to someone who treated you like that.

Docslady21

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2013, 07:52:42 PM »
Hi,

Today I cycled over to see a friend who's just got a new bike but was too nervous to go out by herself on it - we'd arranged to go for an easy cycle near her house on cycle paths.

It's about 30 minutes to her house from mine, I'm currently pregnant and I'm pretty sure my baby thinks my bladder is a trampoline ::) When I arrived she opened the door, but held it half open and sort of stuck her head around it to talk to me. I handed over some stuff I'd brought for her and asked if I could use her loo, saying it was ok if I couldn't (I guessed from the way she was holding the door that she wasn't going to ask me in), I'd go up to the coffee shop a few streets away.

She said sorry, no, the house was a tip, so I went to the coffee shop and came back. We went for our cycle and it was all good, then I went home again afterwards.

It's probably me being unreasonable but I was a bit put out, though obviously I didn't let on to her that I was. If a friend asks to use my bathroom, I can't imagine saying no, I would feel rude if I did. (Though I have on occasion said 'yes, just let me run up and check it first' then done a quick removal of laundry on landing / emptied the bathroom bin).

It was still bugging me a little so I thought I'd ask options here as to any etiquette involved. Typing it all out has done wonders though and I'm no longer bugged  :) It may have been more of a friendship issue than an etiquette issue.

Once, my entire family had the stomach flu over 4 days. A friend came by and asked to use the bathroom. I lied and said it was broken. It was that bad. I'd give her a break. You just never have any idea what would mortify a friend so much that they would refuse a friendly courtesy. What if the catbox was dirty, she had smelly dishes, or had some other issue? Being in the horrible house club, I ALWAYS give a pass. =)

Jones

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #27 on: May 05, 2013, 09:01:34 PM »
Once, my sister and her family were over and the hallway bathroom was in use when Young Nephew announced he had to go RIGHT AWAY. I briefly hesitated because the only way through to the main bath is through the master bedroom, which was a mess due to tossing things in there to clean the living area. Yeah that's how I prepare for company  :P. Sister offered to take the boy out to my flower bed when she saw the look on my face, at which I was half horrified and assured her that use of the master bath was fine so long as she didn't care about the bedroom mess. She didn't. Young Nephew didn't care either.

Most people understand a little mess. I do have to wonder about someone who denies a pregnant woman, who is doing said someone a favor, and was absolutely expected at that day and time, use of the facilities.

Sharnita

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #28 on: May 05, 2013, 09:03:18 PM »
My mom is a hoarder.  SHe never let anyone inside, not even her own brother who once asked to use the restroom before driving home (he was dropping her off before driving home.)  I bet your friend is a hoarder.  Is it rude of her to not let you use the restroom.  I say no, but it's somewhat unreasonable.  But nothing is going to change it, so now you know not to ask and prepare yourself for next time, if there is a next time.

I was thinking that could be her problem as well.

Bluenomi

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Re: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused
« Reply #29 on: May 05, 2013, 09:08:53 PM »
I would never tell a pregnant woman she couldn't use the bathroom, that could ended badly for all involved!