Poll

What to do if a relationship breaks up before a wedding, and you've already RSVPd for a guest?

Change my RSVP to one person, and apologize to my friend the bride.
40 (46.5%)
Change my RSVP to one person, apologize to my friend the bride, and offer to cover the cost of my date if she'd already given numbers to the caterer.
28 (32.6%)
Keep my RSVP to two people, and ask a friend to be my date (incurring cost of travel).
15 (17.4%)
Other (suggest idea in comments, please!)
3 (3.5%)

Total Members Voted: 86

Author Topic: s/o uninviting wedding date -- RSVP with a date, then losing the date  (Read 3492 times)

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Surianne

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The other thread made me think of this. 

Last year, I was dating someone seriously.  When I received the save the date card for a good friend's wedding, my boyfriend said he'd love to go with me.  A few months later, he unexpectedly dumped me (d'oh!). 

Fortunately, I hadn't RSVPd for both of us yet -- the wedding was still a few months out.  But if I had, and he dumped me closer to the wedding, what should I have done? 

I see three choices:

a) Change my RSVP to one person, and apologize to my friend the bride.
b) Change my RSVP to one person, apologize to my friend the bride, and offer to cover the cost of my date if she'd already given numbers to the caterer.
c)  Keep my RSVP to two people, and ask a friend to be my date.  If it were in town, this would have been easy, but the wedding was quite far north and involved travel.  The travel would be more expensive than covering my date's plate in option B, if that makes a difference.

What would you do?  I'd prefer A or B, as I have no problem going to a wedding alone.  A would mean the bride was out the cost of his supper.  But B might be awkward.  C would be the least awkward for the bride, since she hadn't met the boyfriend and wouldn't know the difference, but the most awkward for me (I'm not a casual dater).

Or is there an option I haven't thought of?

I hope never to run into this situation in the future, but I'm curious anyway!

nuit93

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I think it mainly comes down to whether or not the numbers have been given to the caterer.  If they haven't, call the bride and explain the situation so she can adjust.  If they have, call her anyways and offer to cover the plate cost (she may decline).

Alternately, if there is someone you're close to that you'd be okay bringing as a date, check with the HC first to make sure that's okay.

Surianne

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How would a guest know if the numbers have been given to the caterer?  Is there a general timeline that would make it easy to estimate, or should I just ask the bride?  (Thanks for the suggestion, btw!  I've never planned a wedding so it's something I'm pretty clueless about.)

nuit93

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Oops, I've never planned one either--so yeah, I would suggest calling the bride.

Harriet Jones

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I think it really depends on the caterer - some need final numbers only a few days out, some a couple of weeks.

Bluenomi

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I'd do a combination of a and b. Let bride know that you will now be coming by yourself. If it seems like she's starting to freak or get upset about the extra plate then offer to pay for it. Really though a good friend will hopefully be more concerned about your break up than a meal at the wedding!

Plus one less person is so much better than one extra. We had a few of those at our wedding  ::)

Marbles

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I'd do a combination of a and b. Let bride know that you will now be coming by yourself. If it seems like she's starting to freak or get upset about the extra plate then offer to pay for it. Really though a good friend will hopefully be more concerned about your break up than a meal at the wedding!
This.

LifeOnPluto

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I agree with Bluenomi too. At first I'd simply explain to the bride that my now-ex-boyfriend would not be attending the wedding. And personally, I think that most reasonable brides would be more concerned about their friend's welfare after being dumped, than being "out" the cost of a plate.

kareng57

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How would a guest know if the numbers have been given to the caterer?  Is there a general timeline that would make it easy to estimate, or should I just ask the bride?  (Thanks for the suggestion, btw!  I've never planned a wedding so it's something I'm pretty clueless about.)


It might be regional, but IME, most caterers (for any events, not just weddings) don't need the "guaranteed" number until about 10 business days before the event.  (This, meaning that the host must pay for that number no matter what - but quite often, they are prepared to serve something like 5% over that number).

So, if it's about a month ahead of time, I'd simply call the bride/host and explain the situation and expect that the numbers would be adjusted.  If it's more within the time, I'd still call and explain, and offer to pay for the uneaten plate.  I too would think that most reasonable brides would decline the offer, but you never know...

And this is why the "5%" is often a good bet.  Even with "firm-yes" RSVP respondents - anything can happen.  We didn't have a huge wedding - only about 100 guests - yet we had three last-minute people who could not come due to sudden family illness/deaths.

kudeebee

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I picked other.  I guess it would depend on how the original invitation was worded.  Was it Surianne and BFName? or Surianne and guest?

If it was the latter--and guest--I would probably invite another person to go with me.  If it was his name specifically, I would call bride and explain what happened.  Hopefully it would be far enough out that she could change her numbers.

CookieChica

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I'm trying to imagine someone hearing about a serious relationship ending suddenly and caring more about having paid for an extra meal! That's so completely unempathetic in my opinion. Things happen. My friend ended up in the hospital several days prior to my wedding and was released but didn't think she could make the trip. I paid for two extra meals but my friend is much more important.

I don't think it's rude to experience the normal pitfalls of life, even when you are invited to a wedding. :)

Iris

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I agree with Bluenomi too. At first I'd simply explain to the bride that my now-ex-boyfriend would not be attending the wedding. And personally, I think that most reasonable brides would be more concerned about their friend's welfare after being dumped, than being "out" the cost of a plate.

To me it's not a matter of them caring more about the cost of the meal. It's like if I was at someone's house and broke something, cutting my hand in the process. I would hope a friend would be more concerned about my injury than the broken object, but I would still offer to replace it/pay for it. Of course, they may well decline but I would still make the offer.
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Surianne

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I picked other.  I guess it would depend on how the original invitation was worded.  Was it Surianne and BFName? or Surianne and guest?

Oh, yes, I meant with an "and guest" where the bride/groom didn't know or ask who the guest would be, and just asked for numbers.  (Every wedding I've been to has been with an "and guest", it just seems to be done that way here/in my circle.)

I agree with Bluenomi too. At first I'd simply explain to the bride that my now-ex-boyfriend would not be attending the wedding. And personally, I think that most reasonable brides would be more concerned about their friend's welfare after being dumped, than being "out" the cost of a plate.

To me it's not a matter of them caring more about the cost of the meal. It's like if I was at someone's house and broke something, cutting my hand in the process. I would hope a friend would be more concerned about my injury than the broken object, but I would still offer to replace it/pay for it. Of course, they may well decline but I would still make the offer.

Exactly!  I'm looking at what would be the most polite/least drama from me.  I wouldn't expect my friend would get angry, but I'd want to not create an extra cost or annoyance for her  :)

Venus193

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Checked "other" because this is one of those case-by-case things.  Depends on when it happens and it depends on the bride. 

Winterlight

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I'd pick B, personally. This isn't exactly something you could have helped, so if you do get a HCwho gets mad at you for this- well, I think I'd be checking them off my list of real friends.
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