Author Topic: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive? Update about trip-post 64  (Read 16446 times)

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AylaM

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BG
I will start out by saying I have problems getting to know new people and it can take a few meetings for me to really warm up to anyone.    So this may be just me being oversensitive.  Dad is as anti-social as I am.  Mom is an extrovert.  So if I am being oversensitive, please let me know.

Mom and dad like to plan family vacations when they can.  Usually once a year unless money is tight.  Mom has a habit of inviting people along without asking for anyone for their opinion.  Dad had a talk with her and she seemed to have gotten better.  Before now she only invited people that I was comfortable with (mostly family and one old family friend).  I believe my sister was as well.  I don't know about dad.  So, for me, there was annoyance that someone was "barging in" on family time, but no discomfort in their presence.
END BG

The topic just came up to plan our family vacation trip again this year.  My parents are planning on renting a cabin we've rented before and liked.  2 bedrooms 1 queen bed and 2 twin beds.  1 bathroom and 1 combined living/kitchen/dining room.  It is small.  The appeal is in the nearby hiking, scenery, fishing, boating, etc. combined with the price. 

While talking about it with my sister my mother invited her to bring her boyfriend along.  They've been together just over a year.  Mom, Dad, and I have met him once.  I'm peeved that our planned family vacation has suddenly expanded to include him, for a couple of different reasons. 
  • The biggest one is that I don't know him and we'd be living in pretty close quarters for a week.  Someone is going to be sleeping in the common space.
  • I also feel "he isn't family, why is he coming on a family vacation?".  I admit that it is probably churlish and childish, but they are not engaged, and, as previously stated, we don't know him.  (note: last I heard sis is adamant that IF they get engaged it wont be for another year or two)
  • Neither they (sister&bf) nor I could afford to rent another cabin nearby on our own (they're still in college and I am underemployed).
 
And since my parents are paying for the cabin, I'm not sure if it would be polite to get them to look at larger, more expensive cabins so that everyone can have a bedroom.   Basically it comes down to "as things stand, I don't want to go, but don't know what to say".  This would actually be the first time that someone was backing out of a family vacation.   

How do I approach this topic without being rude?  I'm more or less self-employed, so work schedules couldn't be an excuse as we all know I can move just about anything around to whenever.  I've already said that I'd go and have discussed it with them. They are going to know that I'm backing out because I don't want to be there.  I'm also worried that what I say will come across like a little kid throwing a fit.  "But mommy I don't want him to come!  Waaahhhh!"
« Last Edit: August 20, 2013, 11:23:11 AM by AylaM »

snowdragon

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2013, 10:20:59 PM »
under those conditions I would not go either. There are not enough beds and as the single person, I can guaranty that in my family - I'd be on the couch.
  I would be telling the fam "Sorry,no, I can not sleep on the couch - so I'll let you make it a couple's week end."

gramma dishes

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2013, 10:27:40 PM »
under those conditions I would not go either. There are not enough beds and as the single person, I can guaranty that in my family - I'd be on the couch.
  I would be telling the fam "Sorry,no, I can not sleep on the couch - so I'll let you make it a couple's week end."

I'd say almost the same thing with the exception of a couple of words.  "Sorry, no, I won't sleep on the couch.  ..."

WillyNilly

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2013, 10:29:37 PM »
Sounds like you are an adult not a dependant kid. Just say "thaks but no thanks" and plan your own affordable vacation for when/where/with who you want. Sure it might be the first time someone says "no" to the family vacation, but I guarentee as you and your sister grow on with your own lives it won't be the last.

AylaM

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2013, 10:42:59 PM »
Sounds like you are an adult not a dependant kid. Just say "thaks but no thanks" and plan your own affordable vacation for when/where/with who you want. Sure it might be the first time someone says "no" to the family vacation, but I guarantee as you and your sister grow on with your own lives it won't be the last.

What I was most worried about was that I have already agreed to go.  I helped look up the time line and book the cabin because it was a date when we were all free to go.  If either my sister or I hadn't been able to come, I don't think they'd have reserved it.

However, if they decide it isn't worth it they can get most of their money back. 

What I am hoping will happen is that sis will call and say her bf won't be able to make it.   

gramma dishes

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2013, 10:48:13 PM »
Just out of curiosity, would you be willing to go if the boyfriend does decide to accompany your family, but volunteers to be the one who sleeps on the couch?

Or would you still be uncomfortable even then?

Also, had you already agreed to go before the boyfriend was invited?  or did you already know when you said yes?

katycoo

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2013, 11:03:10 PM »
I'm stuck in the middle.

I think its nice that your mum wants to include your sister's boyfriend of 1 year.  But while I woudln't want to sleep on the couch in the loungeroom, I wouldn't be comfortable with him doing so either.  Tiptoeing around someone still sleeping when you barely know them is awkward.

The only way I'd be fine with this is if a third room was available for boyfriend (or sis and boyfriend - whatever).

KenveeB

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2013, 11:07:59 PM »
I would bring up your concerns with your parents. It sounds like your mom just invites people without thinking about the practicalities. "Hey, I heard you invited Joe to join Sis on the trip. I was just wondering, since there's just the three beds, where is he going to sleep? Oh, in the room with Sis? Okay, where am I going to sleep? No, the couch in the living room won't work for me. Maybe we should look at a bigger place?" Walk your mom through all the consequences of the invitation, since she apparently doesn't think of them on her own, and make her come up with solutions.

AylaM

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2013, 11:23:26 PM »
Just out of curiosity, would you be willing to go if the boyfriend does decide to accompany your family, but volunteers to be the one who sleeps on the couch?

Or would you still be uncomfortable even then?

Also, had you already agreed to go before the boyfriend was invited?  or did you already know when you said yes?


I agreed before the boyfriend was invited.  I was under the impression it would just the family.  If mom had plans to invite the boyfriend she never told me about it.  I don't think dad knows she invited him yet. 

I'd much prefer that everyone had a bedroom (so either he gets his own or he and sis sleep together).

Add to that the couch is too short to sleep on.  It is a love seat with rigid arms.    He (or I) would end up putting an air mattress somewhere.

I could suck it up if he wasn't staying for the whole trip, and he took the air mattress, but I'd hate it if he was there for the whole week.  I'd not be comfortable sneaking around him any time I wanted a glass of water or had to use the restroom.

citadelle

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2013, 11:38:00 PM »
I can understand why your sister would like to include her bf and think it is nice of your parents to include him. As you both get older, the family dynamic is going to change, and the numbers are likely to grow. Maybe you will be bringing someone next year! Maybe she will change her mind and marry him, or even have a child. Who knows?

However, if you don't like the arrangements, you aren't obligated to go. There may be questions about your decision, but you'll have to weather those, I think. This is the trip that is being offered, so you will need to accept or decline. Your reasons are your reasons, so share them honestly.

WillyNilly

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2013, 11:45:26 PM »
Sounds like you are an adult not a dependant kid. Just say "thaks but no thanks" and plan your own affordable vacation for when/where/with who you want. Sure it might be the first time someone says "no" to the family vacation, but I guarantee as you and your sister grow on with your own lives it won't be the last.

What I was most worried about was that I have already agreed to go.  I helped look up the time line and book the cabin because it was a date when we were all free to go.  If either my sister or I hadn't been able to come, I don't think they'd have reserved it.

However, if they decide it isn't worth it they can get most of their money back. 

What I am hoping will happen is that sis will call and say her bf won't be able to make it.

No you haven't. The nature of the trip has changed, it is a new situation now. You agreed to go on a vacation with 3 other people, all of whom you are related to, with enough beds for everyone invited. That is not the trip that is now being presented to you. This is a similar trip, but not the same trip - its now 4 other people, one you hardly know and not enough beds. the situation changed and its reasonable for your answer to change with it.

Don't get angry or upset with your mom, just matter of factly say "oh. You know I was happy to go on a family vacation with beds for everyone, but since the trip has changed, its really not something I'd like to do anymore. I hope you have a great time though!"

delabela

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2013, 11:58:50 PM »
On some level, I kind of feel bad for your mom - sometimes it's hard being an extrovert surrounded by introverts.  I sometimes have a "the more, the merrier" view, and in this situation I would see it as a great opportunity to get to know someone who is important to my sister. 

However, I do recognize that not everyone feels that way.  If you have a good relationship with your mom (and it sounds like you generally do) you can say that you're simply not comfortable the close quarters and ask if there is some way you all can upgrade to the bigger place.  Or you can decide not to go.  That's about it. 

I get the sense that you do appreciate that your parents prioritize paying for a vacation for you and your sibling - that's really nice of them. 

LEMon

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2013, 12:52:27 AM »
On some level, I kind of feel bad for your mom - sometimes it's hard being an extrovert surrounded by introverts.  I sometimes have a "the more, the merrier" view, and in this situation I would see it as a great opportunity to get to know someone who is important to my sister. 

However, I do recognize that not everyone feels that way.  If you have a good relationship with your mom (and it sounds like you generally do) you can say that you're simply not comfortable the close quarters and ask if there is some way you all can upgrade to the bigger place.  Or you can decide not to go.  That's about it. 

I get the sense that you do appreciate that your parents prioritize paying for a vacation for you and your sibling - that's really nice of them.
While it might be a great opportunity to get to know him, I see a few problems.

No place for someone to sleep since two bedrooms and three groups.
Someone needing to sleep in the public area (living room) on an air mattress.
One week is awfully long to spend with someone you don't know, especially for introverts.  A shorter time would be much better - both for the family introverts and for him.  I say 'for him' because there the challenge of drawing introverts out or just accepting that they are happy with the silence that not everyone understands.

*inviteseller

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2013, 08:05:40 AM »
I am an extrovert and this would bother me!  The way to get to know your sister's new bf is NOT in a cabin in the woods with nebulous sleeping arrangements.  Tell your mom that you are extremely uncomfortable with the arrangements, and while you appreciate the vacations, you will be skipping this year.

TurtleDove

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #14 on: May 08, 2013, 08:50:13 AM »
Why has the BF of a year not been around before this trip?  That to me is odd.  Under "normal" circumstances I would say the OP is oversensitive and should recognize that family dynamics often change to include significant others and children over time. But, to me, "normal" would mean that an other who is "significant" would be present relatively often over the course of a year so that the family would already have gotten to know him.