Author Topic: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive? Update about trip-post 64  (Read 16589 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #15 on: May 08, 2013, 08:59:22 AM »
I would bring up your concerns with your parents. It sounds like your mom just invites people without thinking about the practicalities. "Hey, I heard you invited Joe to join Sis on the trip. I was just wondering, since there's just the three beds, where is he going to sleep? Oh, in the room with Sis? Okay, where am I going to sleep? No, the couch in the living room won't work for me. Maybe we should look at a bigger place?" Walk your mom through all the consequences of the invitation, since she apparently doesn't think of them on her own, and make her come up with solutions.

I think this is a reasonable approach. Trying to work it out before bailing on the vacation seems like a good plan.
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Zilla

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #16 on: May 08, 2013, 09:16:36 AM »
I would tell your mom that based on the number of beds available, you rather not go.  Explain why as you did in this thread and put it back to her to fix.  However expect some pushback from your sister who might be upset.  If you want to avoid drama, can you instead ask for extra hours from work that week and just tell them it turns out you can't go after all due to work?

Margo

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #17 on: May 08, 2013, 09:16:37 AM »
The lack of sufficient beds and rooms would bother me.

If you had a 3 bed cabin (2 doubles and a single, say) then the issue about being around someone you don't know well would be very much reduced as you have the option to retreat to your room if you don't want to socialise and he has the same choice (I would expect thathe and your sister might very well want to spend some time on their own together during the vacation, quite apart from the the issue of sleeping arrangements.

I agree that you can back out, because the arrangement has changed.  Or you can suggest that your parents look into alternatives - a larger cabin, with space for all of you, or perhaps a split vacation 

How would feel, for instance, if you and your parents were there for the first half of the week, then there was an overlap of 1-2 days when your sister's b/f slept on an airbed, then you went home and he and sis stayed? That might be a way of meeting everyone's needs.

Have you spoken with your sister? Is she aware of the accommodation available? Is she assuming that you will be the one of the airbed? If so, why? (I also wonder - is your Mom assuming that BF will be on the couch and Sister is assuming that BF will be sleeping with her?)

I would be uncomfortable going on a vacation which put me as the only single with 2 couples, especially if I was going to get stuck with sleeping on the floor in the common area rather than have my own space.

I think even if you know b/f quite well, it is still reasonable to object on this ocassion because of the lack of adequate accommodation. I think that  'this is a family holiday and he isn't family' is a bit over sensitive. Families change. He has been your sister's partner for a year; it would be bizarre to me to assume that he would not be a part of her holiday plans. So I'd make any issue you raise be about the fact that 5 adults in a property which only sleeps 4 is not do-able.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #18 on: May 08, 2013, 09:23:14 AM »
KenveeB's idea for how to approach it with your mother is a good one.  I also like Margo's suggestion of a split week, if that works for you.  But to solve the sleeping in a common area problem, would it be possible to pitch a tent in the yard of the cabin?  That way, it would be its own space for whomever sleeps out there.  This only works if you would be comfortable in a tent, though.  Or if sister and BF would be willing to be out there.
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MommyPenguin

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #19 on: May 08, 2013, 09:26:39 AM »
Why has the BF of a year not been around before this trip?  That to me is odd.  Under "normal" circumstances I would say the OP is oversensitive and should recognize that family dynamics often change to include significant others and children over time. But, to me, "normal" would mean that an other who is "significant" would be present relatively often over the course of a year so that the family would already have gotten to know him.

Didn't the OP say that the sister and BF are at college?  Maybe they're *away* at college and live somewhere else.  In those circumstances, yes, it would be fairly normal to only see him once in the past year.  My brother has finally admitted to dating a girl (they were "friends" for a long time) and I've met her once, when he brought her to visit.  They live 3000 miles away from my parents and 2500 from me.  If there's a good distance between people, yes, sometimes it happens.

I like the idea of walking through with the mom the problems.  Where's he gonna sleep?  Where am I gonna sleep?  And then end with, "You know, I just don't feel comfortable with this.  I think I'll skip this trip, but I'll try to make it next time if it works out."  It might cause shock and horror, but... it might also be enough for her to think of the practicalities next time before inviting somebody without checking with everyone.

GrammarNerd

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #20 on: May 08, 2013, 09:48:51 AM »
If the boyfriend's attendance had been in the planning from the very start, you would never have agreed to vacationing with them (at this particular cabin), correct?

The nature of the invitation changed, so therefore your answer changed (or can change).  Nothing wrong with that.  I hesitate to say bait and switch, but no matter what the motives, that's essentially what it's turned out to be.

AylaM

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #21 on: May 08, 2013, 10:31:04 AM »
Sis is away at college.  She lives about 5 hours away and he lives about 10 hours from school in another direction.   He paid a visit over the winter break. And that was the one time we've met.

We've had boyfriends over before, and done things that are usually "family things" that included boyfriends.  This is just feels a little different, it has always been just the immediate family...to the extent that Dad gets upset if mom invited her mother or sibling to come along.  So to invite someone who isn't yet related seems bizarre to me.

He wasn't invited by mom because of how long he and sis were together.  He was actually invited last year too, but the invite was so last minute that sis told us immediately that he couldn't make it.  At that point they'd only been together for about a month.  The cabin is actually closer to my sister's school than to us, so I think that was how he ended up invited: "oh, he lives an hour away, why doesn't he come along? He's already right there". 

If he'd just shown up to hang out each day I'm not sure I'd really mind.

I'm planning on speaking with mom later tonight.  And maybe I won't bring up the fact that "he isn't family yet".  When I'm going over it in my head, that is the part that seems to put my argument on the childish side, rather than the reasonable one.


bopper

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #22 on: May 08, 2013, 10:38:25 AM »
We do a family "camping" in a cabin thing every year.  This year, for the first time, we invited my DD19's boyfriend.  However this cabin has a counselor's room (it is at a summer camp although we go in the fall) so he could have a private area.   I had met him before, however. Has your mom?   I figure he is a big part of my daughter's life and also he seems easy to get along with.  I did check with my DD16 to make sure it was okay with her as it would change the dynamic.  However, I realize that as DD19 gets older the dynamic will change.   DD19 did request to bring another friend and I said no to that person because 1) I had never met her 2) it would make the cabin more crowded 3) stories I had heard of her had a bit of drama.

For us our "camping" is a yearly tradition and I didn't have a problem involving the boyfriend in that tradition.  However I knew that he was going to go with OUR flow and do the activities that we like. He and my DD did do some other activities but at any point in time there are 3 things you could be doing.

  This might be a chance to get to know the boyfriend better...for your mom, it might be a way to keep your sister interested in the tradition and not just do stuff with boyfriend.

For your mom I would concentrate on logistics...who is sleeping where?  I would be firm that you get a bedroom.

One Fish, Two Fish

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #23 on: May 08, 2013, 10:40:23 AM »
IMHO it seems to be a long time to spend with a person that you don't know very well.  Did you get along with him the last time you met?   
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Hillia

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #24 on: May 08, 2013, 10:48:04 AM »
There are 2 issues:
1. including a person that no one outside of sister knows at all, really
2. the difficult logistics that adding another person creates

Even if the addition were a person well known and loved by all, the fact is that the cabin is really too small to accommodate the number of people expected to occupy it.  Then add the awkwardness of spending a week in very close quarters with someone new, and it doesn't sound like a fun trip at all to me.

I do like the idea of splitting the week; that seems like a good compromise between including and getting to know BF and not making everyone physically uncomfortable.

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gramma dishes

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #25 on: May 08, 2013, 10:53:01 AM »
If he only lives an hour drive away, would it be possible for him to join your family for a few specific 'outings' and then go home rather than staying overnight in your family's cabin?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #26 on: May 08, 2013, 11:02:35 AM »
Sis is away at college.  She lives about 5 hours away and he lives about 10 hours from school in another direction.   He paid a visit over the winter break. And that was the one time we've met.

We've had boyfriends over before, and done things that are usually "family things" that included boyfriends.  This is just feels a little different, it has always been just the immediate family...to the extent that Dad gets upset if mom invited her mother or sibling to come along.  So to invite someone who isn't yet related seems bizarre to me.

He wasn't invited by mom because of how long he and sis were together.  He was actually invited last year too, but the invite was so last minute that sis told us immediately that he couldn't make it.  At that point they'd only been together for about a month.  The cabin is actually closer to my sister's school than to us, so I think that was how he ended up invited: "oh, he lives an hour away, why doesn't he come along? He's already right there". 

If he'd just shown up to hang out each day I'm not sure I'd really mind.

I'm planning on speaking with mom later tonight.  And maybe I won't bring up the fact that "he isn't family yet".  When I'm going over it in my head, that is the part that seems to put my argument on the childish side, rather than the reasonable one.

While I completely understand you not being happy with this,, I'm going to respond from your mom's point of view.

Her college age DD is living 5 hours away. She has a new boyfriend that mom would like to get to know but because of distance, that's not possible. She has the opportunity to have the boyfriend spend time with the family at a cabin. She also gets the opportunity to convey to her DD that she is looking upon her as an adult by offering DD the opportunity to include her BF into the family get together.

I think it is fair for you to say "Mom, what is your plans for sleeping arrangements. I don't want to share a room with sis's BF and I think I'd be uncomfortable if he were sleeping on an air mattress in the common area."  Then get a conversation with sis going. "Sis, I think it would be great for your BF to join us but I'm concerned about sleeping arrangements. I'm definately not sharing a room with him. And if he sleeps in the common area, is he going to be upset if he's trying to sleep in and Dad and I are up fixing coffee before going out hiking early in the morning?"

I also wouldn't bring up your reasoning of "he's not family yet". Would you feel any different about sharing space with him if Sis calls tomorrow with "Guess what, we just eloped"? Or if your mom had invited a male cousin you havent' seen in 6 years?
I would not broach the idea of you giving up the bedroom at all. You were invited first and accpeted based on having a private sleeping area.

I wouldn't worry about day time activities. Sis and BF will most likely plan some separate activities, giving you guys a break. And if the norm for your family is for everyone to retreat into a book at night, then do that. Don't feel you have to entertain him. If they are really thinking about long term, he needs to be aware of the habits of what could become his extended family.


AylaM

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #27 on: May 08, 2013, 11:20:32 AM »
Dad just called to talk about mom's mother's day present.  I asked if he knew about boyfriend being invited. He didn't.  He kind of sighed and said "well it just wouldn't be a vacation if your mom didn't try to invite everyone".

Then I asked if he knew what we were doing for sleeping arrangements.  And said I wouldn't be the one on the air mattress.  He's going to look at other cabins in the area. 

Since dad is paying for everything he has leverage with mom when it comes to changing cabins.

Great success!  I do feel a little bad about ratting mom out 'cause now dad sounds a little peeved too.  When he said he'd look at other cabins he actually said:

Dad:  "I'll look at other cabins to see of there are any with more bedrooms."
Me:  "That's nice I didn't want to be the on on the air mattress"
Dad:  "Even with him on the air mattress it wouldn't work.  Where would your grandmother sleep?"
Me:  "Oh?  Mom invited grandma too?"
Dad: "Not yet"






magicdomino

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #28 on: May 08, 2013, 11:28:50 AM »
Dad:  "I'll look at other cabins to see of there are any with more bedrooms."
Me:  "That's nice I didn't want to be the one on the air mattress"
Dad:  "Even with him on the air mattress it wouldn't work.  Where would your grandmother sleep?"
Me:  "Oh?  Mom invited grandma too?"
Dad: "Not yet"

 :D

lurkerwisp

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #29 on: May 08, 2013, 11:35:35 AM »
If it helps any, I was invited on a vacation with my DH's family about a year after we started dating and two years before we were engaged.  (Three before we actually got married even.)  I went.  I had fun.  I got to know the very odd people who eventually became my inlaws.  They decided they didn't actually hate me.  It all worked out pretty well in the end.  :)

I was (and mostly still am) horribly shy and introverted myself.  I wouldn't have gone if DH hadn't promised that there would be hiking and I wasn't so very lonely living away from my own family over the summer.