Author Topic: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive? Update about trip-post 64  (Read 16822 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #30 on: May 08, 2013, 11:44:56 AM »
With the updates I think the OP should look at this vacation as a time to get to know the BF who apparently will be a part of her family's life. He wasn't not around because the sister and BF were not serious; instead he spent time with his GF's family when he could. There is no red flag that I see and if the OP doesn't get to know him now, when they are able to spend time together, when will she? The excuse will forever be "but I don't even know him."

I am glad the Dad is working on sleeping arrangements, but the issue is with the mom not with the BF. And I agree with the poster who explained this situation fromthe mom's perspective. She wants to get to know the man who may be her future son in law, and she wants to support her adult daughter.

Dorrie78

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #31 on: May 08, 2013, 12:02:54 PM »
OP - I think that is a great update and you did nothing wrong talking about this with your dad. As the "single" person in my family (my BF was very long distance for several years until last fall), I'm always the person who is shunted to the air mattress, couch, shared room with my parents or something like that and it really bothers me (I'm 41 years old). You are not remotely overreacting to the sleeping complications and you should not be forced to share a room with a strange man (or really, any stranger) nor be forced onto the couch.

I do think that your argument that he "isn't family" is not very strong and should not be brought up. Many families include the significant others of their children in vacations. The fact that your mother keeps inviting people without telling your dad is a whole separate situation.

citadelle

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #32 on: May 08, 2013, 01:01:52 PM »
I am confused about what your goal is, OP. Is your goal to have the BF uninvited? Or to encourage mom/dad to get a different cabin with more room? Or just to ensure you that you aren't the one on the air mattress? Or for your parents to understand that you need to back out?

The last three seem reasonable to me, but the first one doesn't.

GSNW

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #33 on: May 08, 2013, 01:18:04 PM »
Just chiming in to say I don't think you are being overly sensitive or unreasonable.  I remember a big family Christmas when I was 19 or 20, and my parents advised me I would (finally) be receiving my own room in the house we were renting.  As the youngest, I always got kicked to the couches and the floors.  At the last minute, a distant cousin advised she would be joining us in the house and bringing her kid, so I got the boot... to the couch. 

When you're staying on someone else's dime it's not okay to pitch a fit, but I did tell my parents I was not okay with the arrangement.  If someone wanted to stay up and watch TV, I had no bed.  If someone loves to get up at 5am and cook eggs, I had no privacy.  I simply told my parents I would be staying home instead of being uncomfortable for a week.  My parents were cool about it and wound up finding a bigger place, and cousin and I both kicked in for the increased cost.

With the update I think you handled it fine, but I also agree with Citadelle above.  If you are not comfortable with the status of the vacation you can stay home or try to find a bigger place, but getting the bf uninvited would be unfair, and also not a great way to start off his relationship with your family. 

VorFemme

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #34 on: May 08, 2013, 01:42:37 PM »
I got married the first weekend in December.

VorGuy and I went to my father's family Christmas four hours away - he'd met most of them for the first time at the wedding.

Instead of a room at one of the aunts' & uncles' houses, since we couldn't drive up until after I got off work (and the manager didn't lock the door Christmas Eve until after closing and right behind a family group of ten or so people that took an HOUR to finish "shopping" after we'd closed) and we were late.....we ended up on blankets on the floor in the combination living & dining room.  The only room in the house large enough for the tree and the whole family.....who started showing up for breakfast......in a house with one bathroom that WE hadn't had a chance to get to yet.

It was not honeymoon material - unless you were writing for a situation comedy series.....but he did get to know the aunts & uncles.
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AylaM

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #35 on: May 08, 2013, 01:49:10 PM »
My ultimate goal is really to not have anyone sleeping on the floor in the common room, I guess.  I don't really care how that happens.  I'll still go if that problem was solved.  Which it sounds like dad is planning on doing. I included the bit about not really wanting him to come because I thought it may be important to the answers.  I waffled back and forth about not even mentioning it in the post, but decided to do so, just so I could paint the right picture.  I never really planned on asking mom to uninvite him, I was going to back out instead if arrangements couldn't be made.

I'm not adverse to spending time with my sisters boyfriend, I just don't like how they chose to do it.  If mom had said "Hey!  we're going down to SistersCollegeTown for a week.  We're going to meet her boyfriend and do some sight seeing together.  Do you wanna go?"  I'd have been "yay, ok!"  That means we get to see boyfriend by day and at night I don't have to be around stranger.  We still get to meet him/get to know him, but I can relax in between visits.  I can live with a 3br cabin because I can either ask sis to visit in his room or I'll have my own room.  So if it gets to be too much I can retreat to the bedroom.
 

TheBardess

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #36 on: May 08, 2013, 02:03:07 PM »
How far does BF live from the cabin you are renting? Would it be possible for him to come down during the day to spend time with you all, but go back home to sleep?
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GSNW

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #37 on: May 08, 2013, 02:25:35 PM »
I can live with a 3br cabin because I can either ask sis to visit in his room or I'll have my own room.  So if it gets to be too much I can retreat to the bedroom.

I hope they manage to make this work out for you, because I totally get this.  Another family reunion when I was 13... I just wanted a tiny bit of privacy so I could read my book, and my younger cousin would not leave me alone.  I didn't have a bedroom, none of the kids did.  I would up taking a pillow and hiding in the walk-in closet of my parents' room to read.

Calistoga

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #38 on: May 08, 2013, 03:06:00 PM »
I don't think either side is in the wrong here. It seems fair for your sister to bring her BF since they've been dating for a fairly long time. It's also fair for you to not like the situation and not want to be stuck on the couch.

Waterlight

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #39 on: May 08, 2013, 03:06:53 PM »
If he only lives an hour drive away, would it be possible for him to join your family for a few specific 'outings' and then go home rather than staying overnight in your family's cabin?

POD--I really like this idea!  It would give everyone a chance to get to know BF without the added stress of being in too-cramped quarters for a week.  (And FWIW, I'm an off-the-scale introvert too--INFJ on the Myers-Briggs for those who are familiar with that--so I sympathize with the OP completely.)
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Calistoga

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #40 on: May 08, 2013, 03:13:50 PM »
If he only lives an hour drive away, would it be possible for him to join your family for a few specific 'outings' and then go home rather than staying overnight in your family's cabin?

POD--I really like this idea!  It would give everyone a chance to get to know BF without the added stress of being in too-cramped quarters for a week.  (And FWIW, I'm an off-the-scale introvert too--INFJ on the Myers-Briggs for those who are familiar with that--so I sympathize with the OP completely.)

As BF, I probably wouldn't like the idea as much...just because a 2 hour round trip doesn't sound like much fun to me. I think if the invite was extended so everyone can get to know him, it was poor planning... better to get to know him over dinner at home.

camlan

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #41 on: May 08, 2013, 06:43:39 PM »
There are two separate issues here, really.

One, inviting someone who isn't a member of the family along on a family trip.

Two, renting a cabin and then inviting more people than the cabin will hold.

For the first, I think it's okay for your mom to invite a close friend of a member of the family along. I'm very introverted too, but as long as there was an escape route for me, like a room I could retreat to, or being able to go off by myself for a few hours every day, I'd be fine with that.

For the second, I don't know why people invite more people than there are beds. Unless the person extending the invitation is willing to take the floor/air mattress/sofa. It's just plain silly to rent a cabin that clearly sleeps 4 people and then invite 5 (or more) people to stay there. This is the issue I think you should address, because if you can solve the problem of the sleeping quarters, it will be much, much easier to deal with the boyfriend's presence.

Keeping my fingers crossed that your dad can find a larger cabin.
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White Lotus

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #42 on: May 08, 2013, 08:18:55 PM »
If this happened to me, and it has, and renting a bigger house wasn't an option, I would consider bringing camping gear and setting up in the yard, if that was at all possible.  Seriously.  I actually did this once.  Beat the heck out of an air mattress on the floor fom my perspective.  Next time, there were enough rooms. <G>

Slartibartfast

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #43 on: May 08, 2013, 09:02:44 PM »
Important point: your mom didn't invite your sister's boyfriend, she invited your SISTER to invite her boyfriend.  Big difference!  It means that the power to decide whether or not he's "family enough" rests with your sister (as it should), and it also means he probably haven't actually been invited yet.  Instead of railing at your mom, have a talk with your sister.  Ask her - sibling to sibling - if this is a "meet the family" visit with the guy, or whether it's not at that point yet.  Because if you both feel this is a "family" outing, and she's not at the "introduce him to everyone" stage yet, she may already be inclined not to extend the invitation to begin with.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Is this out of line or am I oversensitive?
« Reply #44 on: May 08, 2013, 09:05:55 PM »
That said, the first time my brother met DH was when my family went canoeing in Canada.  For two weeks, just the five of us (parents, DS, DB, and me) and then-BF-now-DH.  Dropped in by airplane and picked up on a different lake two weeks later.  DH and DB had to share a tent, and it turns out DB snores.  Loudly.

It was definitely a trial by fire for DH, but he passed  ;D  It was his first time really spending much time around my parents, too, although he knew my sister already.  That kind of thing is definitely not for everyone, but it worked out well in my case - DH is a pretty reserved guy, so there's no way my family would have gotten to know him as well as they did without it being a "completely cut off from civilization" thing.