Author Topic: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding  (Read 3292 times)

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EMuir

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My partner's boss (manager of the whole dept) is really trying for some kind of prize for failing at etiquette I think.

The manager is getting married soon. 

The manager invited all female staff to her wedding shower.

Then she invited all staff, but not their partners/significant others, to her wedding.

Just in case you had to miss these special events, she has also set up a pot luck lunch at the workplace to celebrate her marriage.

Inappropriate much? Wow. Am I right in thinking these are horrible abuses of her power?

Chivewarrior

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2013, 06:17:35 PM »
...well, the shower is just plain terrible etiquette. It would have been fine for the employees to throw one on their own if they decided they wanted to, but her inviting one is definitely abuse of power.

Inviting to the wedding I think would have been okay if there had been a clear statement of "it's not mandatory" accompanied by inviting the SOs of anyone who's in a social unit with them-- but that's more "rude for ignoring social unit rules" than "abuse of power" unless there's reason to think she'll hold not attending against her employees later.

Not really seeing how a potluck lunch is any more of an abuse of power than any other work potluck function, unless you're expected to bring gifts or the office is of the "we don't have potlucks ever" culture.

DottyG

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2013, 07:32:04 PM »
I don't get the impression that she's throwing the shower for herself, just inviting the female staff to it.  Which is not unheard of.  If she feels like the staff (and it's usually female for a shower, so I don't think there's an issue of no men being invited) is close enough to her that she wants to invite them, I don't see that as a major gaffe.  Minor, at the very least.  But I'm not even sure about that.


LEMon

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2013, 07:49:15 PM »
Not too impressed by the non-inviting SO's.  But, she got one detail right - she only invited people to the shower who were invited to the wedding.  I do feel she should not have set up her own potluck to celebrate herself, and the invite to the shower should have come from the hostess, not her.

The question is probably how much pressure your partner is feeling to give her gifts or attend her events.  I can see a gregarious boss thinking, "come have fun," and I can see another thinking, "gifts."  One is thinking of you, the other of herself.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2013, 07:52:45 PM »
Not too impressed by the non-inviting SO's.  But, she got one detail right - she only invited people to the shower who were invited to the wedding.  I do feel she should not have set up her own potluck to celebrate herself, and the invite to the shower should have come from the hostess, not her.

The question is probably how much pressure your partner is feeling to give her gifts or attend her events.  I can see a gregarious boss thinking, "come have fun," and I can see another thinking, "gifts."  One is thinking of you, the other of herself.

I mostly agree.  I'd have to know more before I passed judgment.

Is this boss usually greedy?  Is she close with most of the staff and that's why she invited them? 
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Shoo

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2013, 09:21:57 PM »
I'm not really bothered by any of these things. 

EMuir

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2013, 10:17:26 PM »
OP here.  The manager is not liked by staff.  In fact, she is generally disliked.  There is some worried discussion among the invitees as to what might happen if nobody goes, wondering if someone is going to take one for the team and go.  It pretty much made the entire department feel awkward.  A few extroverts are just happy to go to any party, and will go even though they aren't friends.

This boss has also been quite private with her personal info in the past, so nobody really knows her at work.  Nobody has met her boyfriend or children, or heard her talk about them.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2013, 11:28:47 PM »
Regarding not inviting SOs to the wedding - there is a train of thought in my country (Australia) that it's ok to do this. I personally don't agree with it, but I've heard people say things like "Oh, co-workers shouldn't expect their SOs to be invited because the HC doesn't know the SOs" or even "Co-workers need to understand they're not family/friends of the HC, so they shouldn't expect the same standard of invitation" etc.

I do think your partner's boss is rude because - by issuing all these invitations - she's putting her staff in a very uncomfortable position. Unfortunately however, if your partner believes there may be repercussions from not attending, my advice would be to suck it up and attend. It's not worth risking one's job over this.

LA lady

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2013, 01:32:49 PM »
I personally don't agree with it, but I've heard people say things like  "Co-workers need to understand they're not family/friends of the HC, so they shouldn't expect the same standard of invitation"

LoP, I am with you on not agreeing.  If co-workers are not friends or family, why are they invited to the wedding?

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2013, 02:15:19 PM »
LoP, I am with you on not agreeing.  If co-workers are not friends or family, why are they invited to the wedding?
My manager invited the entire group to his daughter's wedding, even though many of us had never met her.  I think Manager opted to invite everyone, rather than say, just half.  We went to celebrate the occasion with him.  It was a huge lavish wedding, and was a good time.  I started crying when Manager walked down the aisle with his daughter; he doted on her, and he was so happy. 

I'm sure my gift did not begin to cover the cost of the food and entertainment provided.

I loved that the HC was registered at Home Depot. 
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TootsNYC

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2013, 03:18:19 PM »
I've decided that I don't automatically mind the inviting of work people without spouses, somehow.

(But I guess I think that if you know someone ONLY well enough to invite just them when they're married etc., then you don't know them well enough to invite them to your wedding. However, I can't get all bent out of shape about it. )

Mikayla

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2013, 02:52:05 PM »
OP here.  The manager is not liked by staff.  In fact, she is generally disliked.  There is some worried discussion among the invitees as to what might happen if nobody goes, wondering if someone is going to take one for the team and go. It pretty much made the entire department feel awkward.  A few extroverts are just happy to go to any party, and will go even though they aren't friends.


You may have made a minor blunder in calling this an etiquette trifecta, because it seems to pass the etiquette sniff test.  Where it fails in a big way is the way these play out into an abuse of power.  The bolded is not surprising. 

So even if the etiquette is ok, I think the shower and the potluck were completely inappropriate.   How difficult is it to think through potential downsides of involving your employees in your wedding? 

Mental Magpie

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Re: Trifecta of etiquette blunders from boss regarding wedding
« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2013, 10:37:33 AM »
OP here.  The manager is not liked by staff.  In fact, she is generally disliked.  There is some worried discussion among the invitees as to what might happen if nobody goes, wondering if someone is going to take one for the team and go.  It pretty much made the entire department feel awkward.  A few extroverts are just happy to go to any party, and will go even though they aren't friends.

This boss has also been quite private with her personal info in the past, so nobody really knows her at work.  Nobody has met her boyfriend or children, or heard her talk about them.

Seems like a gift grab to me...
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.