So, after a hobby thing this evening a group were going to the pub. Sometimes I go with them, sometimes I don't because it's a sunday night and I sometimes like to just go home and have dinner and get set for work the next day. Plus it depends on who is going. There are quite a few in the group who just don't make conversation and sit looking at their phones so there are loads of awkward silences, or making private in-jokes. It's fine if the more out-going people are there as well, but if they're not it can be painful. I would say we are all friends, but I am better friends with some than others, purely because of personality traits.
This weekend has also been crazy busy for me as I had revision for a professional qualification exam that's coming up and am feeling the pressure. however I did go out for dinner last night with my really good friends, including this girl that I snapped at.
So tonight after hobby, I was tired, I have PMS cramps and a headache and I just wanted to go home and chill before bedtime. Anyway, the group going to the pub were all the ones who just sit there looking at their phones and it drives me crazy, so when they asked if I was going I politely said I was tired and sorry, maybe next time. The thing is, they also try to pressure people to go with them which winds me up. If I say know they always try to persuade me, and I should be flattered, but I hate to be pressured.
The girl I am pretty good friends with was going and joined in, saying come on, why was I so boring and she was disappointed in me. Now, we used to go to an excercise class together but she hasn't been in months. Every week when I ask if she's coming to class she says 'yeah, probably' and then never does and I see on facebook she's either been to dinner with this other friend, or just watching TV at home. It really annoys me because a) I feel a bit like she's dumped me for a better offer, and b)she wont admit it. She should just say she's not longer into the class, rather than making out she might be there each week and not turning up.
So, we were in the car park and I was saying goodbye to a couple of people and this group were standing there getting set to go to the pub when my friend walked past and said, with a smile, she was disapointed in me not going to the pub and I was being boring. I snapped and said "yeah, well I'm disappointed you never come to excercise class anymore so I guess we're even" As I said it I knew I shouldn't, I was too tired and cranky and it wasn't coming out well. She replied back with "sorry, other things just come up, I have other commitments" and looked a bit embarassed and I snapped "yeah, going out to eating food with other friend or watching TV, whatever, you don't want to come, I dont want to go to the pub tonight, we're even, or do you want to start an argument?" and everyone just went really quiet and she and these people left for the pub. I was left standing with the people I'd been saying goodbye too and feeling like a complete jerk but neither of them reacted to it thankfully.
I feel really bad, but another good friend who'd been walking past said not to worry about it, I had a right to be annoyed and she'd get over it. Anyway, I texted her and said I was really sorry I snapped, I'm tired and have PMS, hope you have a good evening". She hasn't replied and now I feel horrible.
The thing is, I don't usually stand up for myself and so when I do I snap and people get really surprised, and I have what my family call 'the look' which is like a horrible attitude glare' and I feel really guilty for giving it to her.
I'm now at home worrying what they're saying at me at the pub and that she'll hate me.