Author Topic: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible  (Read 3138 times)

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Samgirl2

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I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« on: May 12, 2013, 06:53:28 PM »
So, after a hobby thing this evening a group were going to the pub. Sometimes I go with them, sometimes I don't because it's a sunday night and I sometimes like to just go home and have dinner and get set for work the next day. Plus it depends on who is going. There are quite a few in the group who just don't make conversation and sit looking at their phones so there are loads of awkward silences, or making private in-jokes.  It's fine if the more out-going people are there as well, but if they're not it can be painful. I would say we are all friends, but I am better friends with some than others, purely because of personality traits.

This weekend has also been crazy busy for me as I had revision for a professional qualification exam that's coming up and am feeling the pressure. however I did go out for dinner last night with my really good friends, including this girl that I snapped at.

So tonight after hobby, I was tired, I have PMS cramps and a headache and I just wanted to go home and chill before bedtime. Anyway, the group going to the pub were all the ones who just sit there looking at their phones and it drives me crazy, so when they asked if I was going I politely said I was tired and sorry, maybe next time. The thing is, they also try to pressure people to go with them which winds me up. If I say know they always try to persuade me, and I should be flattered, but I hate to be pressured.

The girl I am pretty good friends with was going and joined in, saying come on, why was I so boring and she was disappointed in me. Now, we used to go to an excercise class together but she hasn't been in months. Every week when I ask if she's coming to class she says 'yeah, probably' and then never does and I see on facebook she's either been to dinner with this other friend, or just watching TV at home. It really annoys me because a) I feel a bit like she's dumped me for a better offer, and b)she wont admit it. She should just say she's not longer into the class, rather than making out she might be there each week and not turning up.

So, we were in the car park and I was saying goodbye to a couple of people and this group were standing there getting set to go to the pub when my friend walked past and said, with a smile, she was disapointed in me not going to the pub and I was being boring.  I snapped and said "yeah, well I'm disappointed you never come to excercise class anymore so I guess we're even" As I said it I knew I shouldn't, I was too tired and cranky and it wasn't coming out well. She replied back with "sorry, other things just come up, I have other commitments" and looked a bit embarassed and I snapped "yeah, going out to eating food with other friend or watching TV, whatever, you don't want to come, I dont want to go to the pub tonight, we're even, or do you want to start an argument?" and everyone just went really quiet and she and these people left for the pub. I was left standing with the people I'd been saying goodbye too and feeling like a complete jerk but neither of them reacted to it thankfully.

I feel really bad, but another good friend who'd been walking past said not to worry about it, I had a right to be annoyed and she'd get over it. Anyway, I texted her and said I was really sorry I snapped, I'm tired and have PMS, hope you have a good evening". She hasn't replied and now I feel horrible.

The thing is, I don't usually stand up for myself and so when I do I snap and people get really surprised, and I have what my family call 'the look' which is like a horrible attitude glare' and I feel really guilty for giving it to her.

I'm now at home worrying what they're saying at me at the pub and that she'll hate me.

« Last Edit: May 12, 2013, 07:08:17 PM by Samgirl2 »

Hmmmmm

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2013, 07:38:25 PM »
You weren't standing up for yourself. That would have been "Friend, I'm not interested in going tonight and I'd appreciate not feeling pressured or being called boring." Bringing up your annoyance about a completely different topic didn't resolve the issue.

I think you need to call friend and say "I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't feel like going to the pub and I don't like being pressured or made to feel boring. I have missed having you attend the exercises classes with me too but I shouldn't have brought that into the discussion."

In my opinion, your hormonal issues do not factor into this. Yes, you need to be aware of you think you may have an issue during this time because you recognize a change in your reactions. But you should not use them as an excuse to others for behavior. 

Bijou

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2013, 08:04:23 PM »
You did go a bit over the top by bringing up the other stuff, however, I kind of understand since you were already not feeling well and she pushed you around verbally and insulted you in front of everyone else by saying you were boring.  You have apologized and I would let it go at that.  The ball is in her court. 
You can let yourself off the stress hook if you stop asking her if she is gong to exercise class.  She's said no enough times that you ought to back off of that, even though you are not doing it in a pushy way.  If she shows fine, if not that is her decision.  And really, for all you know she had prior plans with the friends she was dining with. 
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Promise

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2013, 08:04:56 PM »
This is a good example of right fighting and it never works. I am right in acting how I act because you did... and as you realize, it wasn't good. However, you also know you didn't handle it well. Texting an apology is never, ever a good idea because the receiver doesn't know your tone. Always apologize in person if possible and by phone if not. Never include a "but" or an excuse. Just state your bad behavior and ask for forgiveness. Example, "I really blew it with you the other night. I said some things to you in a way that were inexcusable. I am so sorry and would hope to put it behind us. Will you forgive me?" And then stop. Don't say why you did it. Just pause and let her respond. If she says no, then you need to accept that and let her make the next move. More than likely, she will say she does.

Bales

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2013, 08:20:42 PM »
I'm going to say stop beating yourself up over it.  They didn't take your no graciously, you felt attacked/pressured, especially by the person you are more friendly with, and you got defensive.  You're human.  Next time you talk, reiterate that you are sorry for snapping and ask that she not pressure you to go somewhere after you've said no, but don't beat yourself up.  If she wants to hold a grudge, she will, but it's likely more about guilt for blowing off your exercise dates, which you politely had not called her out on up until now.

sammycat

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2013, 10:09:15 PM »
I'm going to say stop beating yourself up over it.  They didn't take your no graciously, you felt attacked/pressured, especially by the person you are more friendly with, and you got defensive.  You're human.  Next time you talk, reiterate that you are sorry for snapping and ask that she not pressure you to go somewhere after you've said no, but don't beat yourself up.  If she wants to hold a grudge, she will, but it's likely more about guilt for blowing off your exercise dates, which you politely had not called her out on up until now.

I agree, especially in view of the fact she apparently looked embarrassed when OP mentioned it.

LeveeWoman

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2013, 10:37:52 PM »
Give yourself a break.

Ya'll can get this straight and move forward.

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LifeOnPluto

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2013, 11:33:38 PM »
What's done is done. Your friend's behaviour wasn't perfect either (eg pressuring you to go to the pub, and calling you "boring" etc).

I think your apology was fine. I honestly wouldn't worry about chasing her up.

Phoebe

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2013, 12:06:40 AM »
Just as you feel "pressured" to go to the pub and don't appreciate the constant prodding/asking, perhaps she feels "pressured" to go to the exercise class and doesn't appreciate the constant prodding/asking.

Just saying.



MariaE

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2013, 12:19:03 AM »
Just as you feel "pressured" to go to the pub and don't appreciate the constant prodding/asking, perhaps she feels "pressured" to go to the exercise class and doesn't appreciate the constant prodding/asking.

Just saying.

I think there's a huge difference between "Hey, are you coming to class today?" and what the OP experienced though. OP didn't feel pressured by the original question, but by the nagging that followed. Now if the OP followed up her question with "Aw, why not?", "Again?" or in fact anything other than a variation of "OK", then I agree with you. Asking isn't rude - nagging is.
 
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Samgirl2

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2013, 06:37:05 AM »
Friend has replied to my text and said not to worry, she and these other people just want everyone to go with them and they noticed numbers are dwindling for pub trips and they miss people so they're trying to get everyone to hang out again.

I said "I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been rude, I was just having  a bad day and had already said I wouldn't be coming. I shouldn't have said it like that though. I think maybe numbers are dwindling because sometimes it's quite late on a sunday night and people just want to eat dinner and get things in order for the working week etc, it was almost 9pm. Anyway, hope you have a good day, see you soon"


delabela

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #11 on: May 13, 2013, 10:30:38 AM »
I'm glad it worked out. 

It sounds like if people are hanging around, they think they can tease people into going with them.  Next time, maybe just say, no, I'm not going to make it tonight, and head out rather than making it a long drawn out good bye.  Then they don't have the opportunity.

I would offer that if I was your friend, it would really make me roll my eyes for you to tell me you snapped due to PMS.  I suggest you avoid using that as an excuse. 

AngelicGamer

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2013, 10:55:32 AM »
<snip>

I would offer that if I was your friend, it would really make me roll my eyes for you to tell me you snapped due to PMS.  I suggest you avoid using that as an excuse.

Real, non-snarky question: Why?  PMS is a real condition and I know a friend who is working on fixing hers but it can be in flux.

OP - really happy to hear about the update.  It does sound like your friend is a keeper from that message.




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WillyNilly

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2013, 11:16:54 AM »
<snip>

I would offer that if I was your friend, it would really make me roll my eyes for you to tell me you snapped due to PMS.  I suggest you avoid using that as an excuse.

Real, non-snarky question: Why?  PMS is a real condition and I know a friend who is working on fixing hers but it can be in flux.

OP - really happy to hear about the update.  It does sound like your friend is a keeper from that message.

I'm not delabela but I can say for me, that excuse is lame for several reasons. First, unless you are a teenager, you should be used to it by now. A woman gets her period - and therefore PMS - every month for years, the majority of her life, she needs to learn how to handle it. Unless there is a major medical reason, like PMDD (which only affects about 5-10% of women), get over it and learn to handle yourself decently like every other woman has. Its one thing to be uncomfortable, its another to let your discomfort be a justification for bad behavior. And second, because it weakens all women to blame PMS. If an individual can't handle their emotions and their behavior its on them as an individual. To blame PMS (or your period itself) - something all women get - is to imply all women can't handle their emotions and behavior for a week out of the month; its implying its a known fact that PMS is a force stronger then women as a whole... and that's just not true.

Now sure sometimes everyone feels badly, and PMS can be a factor in that, but that's when a person needs to use their words before an issue and communicate "hey I'm really not feeling great today, I'm going to have to take it easy." That's ok, it happens. But to solider on and then later blame PMS for any mishaps is not.

(all "you" statements are general and not directed specifically towards the OP or anyone else in particular)

TurtleDove

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Re: I snapped at a friend and feel terrible
« Reply #14 on: May 13, 2013, 11:21:58 AM »
Thank you for explaining what I was about to about the PMS excuse, WillyNilly.  Spot on.