General Etiquette > Family and Children

Cut off Dad?

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BG:  My Dad and Mom were meet in college, were happily married, then had me and my sister.  My mother and sister died in a car accident when I was in kindergarten;  my dad remarried 6 months later to a women with a personality disorder (diagnosed per my dad).  My stepmother had a son from a previous marriage.  They had a baby boy together. 

When my mother died, I received about 1/4 of their total marital assets as they did not have a will so that is how the state parsed it out;  when my mother's mother died, I also inherited a substantial (think college tuition for 2 children at a public university with room and board) amount, but not a HUGE amount. 

My father and stepmother did a horrible job raising my younger brother, enabling him severely.  He has been in and out of prison for years. 

Stepmother died some time back and younger brother got out of prison about 3 years ago and my dad has been supporting him with his pension 100%.  My brother has also taken a lot of money from my dad, liberally.

My father was diagnosed with a cancer about a year and a half ago, and  my younger brother has been taking care of most of his physical and medical needs.  Recently my dad has taken a turn for the worse and my brother is worried he won't get the life insurance money, which my father has already indicated to my older brother and I that he wants to go to my younger brother fully.

Now my brother has behind my and my older brother's back gotton an illegal will and power or attorney, which my older brother and I will resolve by taking my dad to an attorney in the next few days. 

Since my dad's marriage to my stepmother, and especially with the arrival of my younger brother, he has put the needs of his wife and younger son ahead of me or my older brother.  He told them I had inherited a HUGE amount of money from my grandmother, and that is should have been his.  He also told them that I inherited his and my mother's whole estate, but of course neglected to tell them the accurate facts, and that he also received a life insurance settlement from my mother's death which was larger than their estate in total.

He borrowed money from me when I graduated from college, promised me he would pay me back a certain amount for interest each money (which he did for 2 months) and then pay me back when I needed it back.  I had to BEG and GROVEL for the money back to finish my last year of college and the guilt trip was huge.  Through the rest of the years he kept hitting me up for money, (of course I said no with support from DH) and my step mother even wanted to to pull my daughter from college to pay for their upcoming home foreclosure due to my dad's awful financial mistakes.

I keep getting reminded of his betrayal when my older brother and I try to meet with my dad to get him to sign power of attorney documents and will documents assigning these things to my older brother, to which he has finally agreed.

My question is, once the will and power of attorney are signed sealed and delivered can I not see him is just TOOO Painful, even though he has a terminal condition?

Why I want to cut him off is that he has enabled my younger brother, to the point my younger brother is trying to exploit him financially, and he has allowed it up to this point.  When my older brother and I meet with him to discuss with him the need to stand up to the younger brother for his own good, it reminds me of the years and years of   being exploited, lied about and taken advantage of.

Millionaire Maria:
I'm not sure why you are wanting to meet with him to discuss his finances. Regardless of whether he's allowed his son to take advantage of him or not, it's not you business. To answer your question, no, you can not cut your father off immediately after attempting to convince him to change his will, particularly if those changes will benefit you in any way. If you want to cut him off, just do so. Part of the cut off is not accepting things from him. I think you need to stop being so invested in your father's relationship with your brother.

My husband is a pastor and has been a part of the challenges of many families. They particularly get fierce when someone is dying or has died. This is not unusual but is still painful. Generally things come to a head because money is the only thing we have left after someone dies. The person wasn't fair in life and we will fight so that we feel we were treated fairly in death. Often times the perpetrator (i.e.; your younger brother) usually wins. You have two choice - you can right fight or you can put it behind you. Which will give you peace going forward? Most of the time the money isn't what is going to give you satisfaction and peace. You can fight now if you want, but please determine in your heart that if you lose, that you will forgive and truly recognize that you have children with an education, that you have a good life, and learn to be content with what you have and not what you didn't get.

Unless your father still owes you money, I don't think his finances are your affair.  If he wants to make your younger brother his beneficiary, that's his decision to make.  You may not like it, but if in fact younger brother is taking care of your father in a terminal illness, he deserves some consideration.  You seem awfully focused on inheritances and money.  If you can't forgive your dad, cut him off by all means, but not after going out of your way to benefit financially after he dies.

Also -- what pinkiu said!  So true!


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