Author Topic: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.  (Read 3257 times)

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Iris

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Hi all,

A very old friend seems to have lost interest in our friendship. We hadn't seen each other for a while but both of us are very busy and it was not unusual for that to happen, we usually caught up every month or so. The last time I saw her was NYE at a party I hosted. Nothing remarkable happened at the party regarding her. I know things have been difficult for her of late so a couple of times when I texted her invitations or just catch up texts and got no reply I didn't really think much of it. But a couple of times lately she has quite clearly avoided contact with me so I guess I can take a hint... :( I'm a bit down about it, but I guess that's life and these things happen sometimes.

My dilemma is that I still have some things of hers that she left at my house after NYE. Just afterwards I let her know it was here and we agreed that I'd give it to her next time I saw her. That's been a really long time now and looks like it could be forever. If I just turn up on her doorstep to return it I'm worried it will look like I'm trying to force my way in, or am being dramatic ("Fine then, here is your container, and I'll thank you for the return of my letters...*swoon*"). Posting it would be a bit mad because we live so close. Do I just somehow magically discern when she is not home or send her a message on FB (though I could be blocked for all I know) or just call? I know calling is probably the best option but to be honest my wounded pride and hurt feelings don't want me to do that - it hurts to be cut off for no reason you can see.

Suggestions?
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sammycat

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2013, 03:17:26 AM »
If you can still see her on facebook in a search, she hasn't' blocked you, which means it may still be worth sending one last message that way.  She may well be in the same boat as you, and wondering where time has slipped off to, and could welcome the contact.

"Hi Friend, long time no see!  Just wanted to let you know I've still got your stuff here. If you'd like to come and collect it, I'll be home (date) if you'd like to pop over" {alternatively - "I'll be in your neck of the woods tomorrow/next week and wondered if it'd be okay to drop your stuff off"}.

I'd give her a week to respond, and if she doesn't get back to you, I'd dispose of the items as you see fit.

On the other hand, if she has blocked you on facebook, I'd just skip straight to disposing the items as she's made it clear she'd ended the friendship for whatever reason.

I'm assuming the items aren't of great importance if she's gone without them for this long?

Raintree

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2013, 04:02:41 AM »
NYE was only 4 and a half months ago! Only you know the usual dynamics of your friendship, but to me, that is really not a long time to go without seeing or talking to a friend, even one of my better friends.

Still, it's a long time to hang onto forgotten items, so, it's not unreasonable to send a text or FB message to say, "Hey, I'm trying to declutter and I realized I still have your things. I'll be driving right past your place on the way out tomorrow, so can I drop them off?"

This way, you really can make it quick without sounding like you're trying to get together (just in case she really is avoiding you). If you can't get a hold of her, feel free to drop it off at her doorstep with a note (unless she lives in an apartment that requires buzzing an intercom to get in).

cicero

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2013, 05:05:32 AM »
NYE was only 4 and a half months ago! Only you know the usual dynamics of your friendship, but to me, that is really not a long time to go without seeing or talking to a friend, even one of my better friends.

Still, it's a long time to hang onto forgotten items, so, it's not unreasonable to send a text or FB message to say, "Hey, I'm trying to declutter and I realized I still have your things. I'll be driving right past your place on the way out tomorrow, so can I drop them off?"

This way, you really can make it quick without sounding like you're trying to get together (just in case she really is avoiding you). If you can't get a hold of her, feel free to drop it off at her doorstep with a note (unless she lives in an apartment that requires buzzing an intercom to get in).
this sounds perfect to me.

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wallaby

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2013, 06:04:38 AM »
Sorry to hear  :(

Sometimes when people are going through difficult times it is hard for them to put the energy into maintaining friendships, as all their energy gets pulled inward into dealing with whatever is happening for them. Also sometimes friendships may slide or go through a 'winter' for no reason in particular and then spontaneously rebound. All I am trying to say is, if you value this person and their friendship don't lose all hope just yet  :)

If you don't mind holding on to the stuff, would it be possible just to hold on to it a bit longer? Presumably if she wants it she will eventually have to reach out to you? Or, reach out to her and say you miss her and would love to catch up soon?

I tend to worry that using her stuff as an excuse to make contact is not really what you want to do, because it runs the risk of making an issue of 'the stuff' (as you described in your OP), when the real issue is your concerns about the friendship. I would recommend keeping the discussion strictly about the friendship for now.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2013, 07:24:36 AM »
My opinion is that this friend has given you the cut direct for whatever reason, apparently only known to her, since you have tried to contact her and she has not responded.

I would put her items in a small box and keep them in storage, but I would not go out of my way to get them to her.  If she wants them that badly, she can come to you.


JenJay

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2013, 08:00:09 AM »
NYE was only 4 and a half months ago! Only you know the usual dynamics of your friendship, but to me, that is really not a long time to go without seeing or talking to a friend, even one of my better friends.

Still, it's a long time to hang onto forgotten items, so, it's not unreasonable to send a text or FB message to say, "Hey, I'm trying to declutter and I realized I still have your things. I'll be driving right past your place on the way out tomorrow, so can I drop them off?"

This way, you really can make it quick without sounding like you're trying to get together (just in case she really is avoiding you). If you can't get a hold of her, feel free to drop it off at her doorstep with a note (unless she lives in an apartment that requires buzzing an intercom to get in).
this sounds perfect to me.

Me too. Drop them off whether she responds or not, just leave them on the porch (assuming they aren't valuable?). That'll get the stuff out of your head as well as your cupboard.  ;)

ettiquit

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2013, 08:09:54 AM »
I'd put the items in a box and store it in my basement/attic.  She knows that you have her stuff, and I don't think you need to go above and beyond to get these things back to her.  If you really just want this stuff out of your house, I like Raintree's approach.

BarensMom

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2013, 08:10:23 AM »
NYE was only 4 and a half months ago! Only you know the usual dynamics of your friendship, but to me, that is really not a long time to go without seeing or talking to a friend, even one of my better friends.

Still, it's a long time to hang onto forgotten items, so, it's not unreasonable to send a text or FB message to say, "Hey, I'm trying to declutter and I realized I still have your things. I'll be driving right past your place on the way out tomorrow, so can I drop them off?"

This way, you really can make it quick without sounding like you're trying to get together (just in case she really is avoiding you). If you can't get a hold of her, feel free to drop it off at her doorstep with a note (unless she lives in an apartment that requires buzzing an intercom to get in).
this sounds perfect to me.

Me too. Drop them off whether she responds or not, just leave them on the porch (assuming they aren't valuable?). That'll get the stuff out of your head as well as your cupboard.  ;)

I agree with this.  I would leave a phone or FB message stating you'll drive by at a certain time to drop off her things.  Let her know that she's not home/doesn't answer the doorbell, you'll leave them on the porch or wherever.  Then do so and be done with it.

TootsNYC

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2013, 08:33:30 AM »
I agree--drop them off on your way to somewhere else, so it's clear you *can't* stay.

And be friendly and warm in your manner--as someone said, 4.5 months isn't that long, and maybe there's something other than "I don't like you" in her manner. It could be "I'm embarrassed" or something.

Don't try to figure out what that is--just act as though nothing is wrong, but of course you do have somewhere to go.

peaches

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2013, 08:48:25 AM »

Me too. Drop them off whether she responds or not, just leave them on the porch (assuming they aren't valuable?). That'll get the stuff out of your head as well as your cupboard.  ;)

I agree with this.  I would leave a phone or FB message stating you'll drive by at a certain time to drop off her things.  Let her know that she's not home/doesn't answer the doorbell, you'll leave them on the porch or wherever.  Then do so and be done with it.

That is what I'd do. I wouldn't keep things indefinitely - that's a lot of bother for you. I'd return them at a given time (let her know by voicemail or Facebook message), and leave them in a corner of the porch if she's not home.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #11 on: May 13, 2013, 10:08:45 AM »
I had some books from a (mutually) cut-off friend.  We lived an hour and a half away from each other so the next time I was going to be in her area, I timed it for when I didn't think she'd be home and just left them in a bag on the doorknob.  In my case, though, I didn't want to see her again.
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Ontario

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2013, 11:04:59 PM »
I would personally give it some more time. As PPs have said, 4.5 months isn't really all "that" long.

After a few more months, if you still haven't heard from her, I like the idea of sending her a quick text or FB message to say that you're going to drop them on her porch.

Although one thought has struck me - what if she's actually moved house without telling you? This actually happened to a friend of mine. She was trying to return items belonging to a former friend, but when she arrived at Former Friend's house, it was clearly empty (windows all boarded up, long grass growing, garage cleaned out, etc)! 

Iris

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2013, 04:13:08 AM »
You wouldn't believe it guys, but she messaged me today like she hadn't pointedly ignored me a few times two weeks ago (and it really wasn't me being paranoid, it was obvious).

Now I'm paranoid she reads e-hell...
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

JenJay

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Re: Friendship petered out :( ... but I still have her things.
« Reply #14 on: May 14, 2013, 07:37:55 AM »
You wouldn't believe it guys, but she messaged me today like she hadn't pointedly ignored me a few times two weeks ago (and it really wasn't me being paranoid, it was obvious).

Now I'm paranoid she reads e-hell...

If she does then she recognized herself and thought "Oops, I've been really rude." or "Oh I didn't mean to hurt Iris's feelings." and tried to make amends. Or it's a coincidence and she's been going through some stuff but she's making an effort to be more approachable now. Either way, don't stress it.  :)