Author Topic: Spoiling for a fight  (Read 5437 times)

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artk2002

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #15 on: May 14, 2013, 04:04:10 PM »
Older than the OP, I imagine.

Obviously, but what age would that be?

It doesn't matter whether the woman is a day, month, year or decade(s) older than the OP. Her age does not give her any kind of superiority or authority in this situation. Sadly, many people are raised with the idea that respect always flows from younger to older and not the other way. It doesn't matter what the definition of "older" is -- in some families, a cousin born one month earlier is "older" for this situation.
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WillyNilly

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #16 on: May 14, 2013, 04:07:31 PM »
The OP has already addressed the age issue in post #3.

veronaz

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #17 on: May 14, 2013, 04:08:29 PM »
The OP states that she was raised to 'respect her elders' - in many families/cultures, this means that persons older than you are not to be questioned, ever, and that anything they do or say is automatically right.  This explains why the OP was not more proactive when the coworker was rude and disrespectful to her at the outset.
Yes, I'm familiar with and know the meaning of the expression "respect your elders".  Thanks.
"older" could mean 30, 45, 62, 27, etc. depeding on OP age.

It's just a question about something which was stated - not something worth anyone getting upset about.

veronaz

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #18 on: May 14, 2013, 04:10:08 PM »
Older than the OP, I imagine.

Obviously, but what age would that be?

It doesn't matter whether the woman is a day, month, year or decade(s) older than the OP. Her age does not give her any kind of superiority or authority in this situation. Sadly, many people are raised with the idea that respect always flows from younger to older and not the other way. It doesn't matter what the definition of "older" is -- in some families, a cousin born one month earlier is "older" for this situation.

???

I didn't say or imply that it did; quite the contrary.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2013, 04:13:17 PM by veronaz »

Eeep!

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2013, 06:23:37 PM »
The OP states that she was raised to 'respect her elders' - in many families/cultures, this means that persons older than you are not to be questioned, ever, and that anything they do or say is automatically right.  This explains why the OP was not more proactive when the coworker was rude and disrespectful to her at the outset.
Yes, I'm familiar with and know the meaning of the expression "respect your elders".  Thanks.
"older" could mean 30, 45, 62, 27, etc. depeding on OP age.

It's just a question about something which was stated - not something worth anyone getting upset about.

I think people are responding like this because it's hard to see what an answer to the question would add to the discussion.  If the OP said the person was 50.  OK. Then what? I guess it could lead to a discussion of whether 50 is appropriate to be called "older" but that doesn't sound very productive or helpful with the situation the OP was asking about. So there really doesn't seem any point in teasing out that particular detail.
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veronaz

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2013, 06:29:51 PM »
I wasn't teasing.

I asked OP a question, and clearly said I was just curious.  I see lots of things which don't always add to the discussion.  If OP chose not to answer, or even return to the thread, that's okay.

But others jumping in and saying something not only mentioned but emphasized in the initial post isn't relevant, going off on tangents, and further directing me not to ask OP about it?  Odd.

But, moving on....................
« Last Edit: May 15, 2013, 06:38:09 PM by veronaz »

Eeep!

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2013, 06:38:57 PM »
I wasn't teasing.

I asked OP a question.  If she chose not to answer, or even return to the thread that's okay.

But others jumping in and saying something not only mentioned but emphasized in the initial post isn't relevant, going off on tangents, and further directing me not to ask OP about it?  Odd.

But, moving on....................

Oh sorry - I meant teasing as to parse out into minute detail, not tease as in make fun of.  Bad choice of words - my apologies!
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veronaz

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2013, 06:40:24 PM »
Yes, I know exactly what you meant. 

Hillia

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2013, 06:57:55 PM »
The CW's age is relevant to the discussion in that it influenced the OP's reactions.  The OP did not react to the previous 4 months of rude treatment by the CW because of conditioning that 'older' people are to be respected and not questioned.  No one here is agreeing with that belief; the OP mentioned it only to proactively explain why she is just now considering what action to take after a length of time when many other people would have already done something.

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cass2591

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #24 on: May 15, 2013, 07:01:27 PM »
How about if the focus is not on the age of the coworker but rather on the OP's question.
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Tabby Uprising

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #25 on: May 15, 2013, 07:03:29 PM »
I wasn't teasing.

I asked OP a question, and clearly said I was just curious.  I see lots of things which don't always add to the discussion.  If OP chose not to answer, or even return to the thread, that's okay.

But others jumping in and saying something not only mentioned but emphasized in the initial post isn't relevant, going off on tangents, and further directing me not to ask OP about it?  Odd.

But, moving on....................

The point I think other posters are trying to make is that while the fact the co-worker is older is relevant, her specific age isn't.  Whether the co-worker is 35, 42, 47, or 58, so long as she is older than the OP, the OP feels compelled to respect her as an "elder". 

OP, I do think this is an issue you should take to your manager.  This is absolutely an issue a manager should address.  (Quick aside, from working in HR I know managers can often get upset when employees bypass them and go to us - especially if the issue isn't really under HRs jurisdiction.) 

In your case, your co-worker has filed a formal complaint with HR.  Let me also say that from my experience the only "formal" anythings are usually write ups done by managers and signed off on by the employee.  If HR didn't talk to you which is the utmost basic tactic for an investigation, then it's safe to say they didn't take it seriously.  I'm sure I've had a number of employees approach me in my career with what they thought were "formal" complaints, but was just me listening to them and saying, "This is an issue for you to resolve with your manager and your co-worker."
« Last Edit: May 15, 2013, 07:12:34 PM by Tabby Uprising »

happygrrl

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2013, 08:06:06 PM »
The CW's age is relevant to the discussion in that it influenced the OP's reactions.  The OP did not react to the previous 4 months of rude treatment by the CW because of conditioning that 'older' people are to be respected and not questioned.  No one here is agreeing with that belief; the OP mentioned it only to proactively explain why she is just now considering what action to take after a length of time when many other people would have already done something.

This. She is older by about 20 years, but she is also more experienced than me, so I just automatically deferred to her. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear, but Hillia summed it up perfectly for me. :)

HR did actually get a verbal and written statement from me and my office mate, and that's the last I've heard of it. However, I did see her today; she came into the training room, and didn't speak to me, but I said "Good morning", she responded in kind, and that was it.

Thanks to everyone who responded, and again, I apologize for not being clearer--
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Slartibartfast

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Re: Spoiling for a fight
« Reply #27 on: May 17, 2013, 11:26:03 AM »
Here on eHell, we sometimes advocate for being cooly civil.  This sounds like one of those times.  Respond to direct questions, give brief acknowledgement when she says something like "Good morning!," and other than that, try to avoid involving her in your life more than absolutely necessary.

The "cut direct" is when you blatantly ignore someone - pretend you don't hear them when they speak to you, act as if they're not in the room, refuse to communicate in any way.  It's a major statement and it's uncomfortable for everyone else around you because they get dragged into your drama.  It's appropriate in a very few situations, but too often people say they gave someone the "cut direct" when what they really mean is they're being cooly civil.