Another spinoff: annoying friends as part of the package when da[color=black]ting[/color] someone

[Dragonflymom]

Here's one that has only come up in the past year or so... I'm sure a lot of people have dealt with this before, but I'm in my thirties and have only ever dated three people my whole life.  The first one, all his friends and I got along  great and we all played in a D&D group together.  The second one, that I later married and then divorced, I got along with all his friends in college, and he never really socialized much after that outside of video game tournaments that I was never involved in.  Now FH has two friends that I really have trouble tolerating. 

One of them absolutely infuriated me by going on and on about how a mutual friend of his and FH was pregnant, how she was so stupid, and how she needed to have an abortion and get herself sterilized.  I have previously been in a similar bad situation, with people similarly giving me orders about what to do in some cases supposedly in my best interest and in some case in theirs, and I found this incredibly offensive... to me, that should be her decision and not the decision of some gossipy friend of hers, and finally couldn't take anymore and quietly excused myself, with the excuse that I had to do something with my instruments for a performance I was doing later - and sat there for an hour by myself pretending my harp was badly out of tune.  Later after we were alone I gave FH my thoughts on the matter, and he said he agreed and told his friend much the same thing.  He still wants to invite this guy to our wedding, which I guess I can tolerate since it is only a few hours and there will be a lot of other people there to converse with, but I have made it clear I'm not interested in going along to socialize at this friend's house.

The other is his "best friend".  He has repeatedly missed dinners that we have scheduled together, that I have cooked and picked up nice desserts for, made the hour drive out to FH's home town for, and my daughter has gotten all excited about hoping to play with his kids.  He continually complains about having to pay child support to his ex-wife (as a divorced mom I receive child support myself), and at times makes comments about his personal life, either forgetting I'm there or not caring I'm not sure, that are way more personal than I want to hear.  He is supposed to be the best man at our wedding but I'm not sure how he is even going to get out here for it since he hasn't registered his car or paid insurance on it for a year and expects to mooch rides off of everyone (we are all in our thirties, not high school or college where that might be understandable).  The last thing I want is for him to stay the night in our family room on our wedding night then get a ride back in the morning (something FH actually suggested til I put my foot down and said no way on earth anyone stays the night at our place on our wedding night!)  And his daughters are my flower girl and junior bridesmaid because annoying friend and FH asked me in front of the girls if they could be in the wedding party so I couldn't say no and upset them - a minor thing and I can deal, but added up it all gets annoying.

How does everybody else deal with, or get out of dealing with, their SO's annoying friends?

[JoyinVirginia]

I got around this by suggesting things that DH could do with his friends AWAY from our home! And by being "busy" or planning stuff with MY friends when he was getting together with his friends. Another way was to plan outings for us and we would be already committed when friend would want to get together. After we got married, I kinda became social director for us as a couple - and just planned variety of things for us as couple or with others. DH and friend I had problem with drifted apart since his friend never planned stuff for them at HIS house, and DH got tired of being the one doing the asking or planning. Before we got together, DH and this friend spent many weekend nights together because DH didn;t have anything else to do, and they always went to bars and drank and drove around. Once DH had ME to do things with, he realized (all on his own, honest! I did not have to prod him) that he was really BORED at going to bars and drinking. He would rather go to a movie or play with me, or just sit at home both of us reading books in the same room.

I never had to say one bad word about his friend.

[blarg314]

In the first case, I'd recognise that this is partially your issue. You're extra sensitive to his opinion because of your own personal experiences, and if you were discussing something where you had similarly differing opinions but without the loaded emotional background, you likely wouldn't respond as badly.  He doesn't know it's a topic you are particularly sensitive about, and therefore doesn't know to avoid it to spare your feelings. You and your fiance can double team to change the subject when it comes up, and hopefully it will die down with time.

In the second case, I'd stop putting yourself out for someone who walks all over you.  Tell your fiance that *he* is in charge of all dinner preparations, and make sure you set clear boundaries on what you do for him - don't let him sleep over on your wedding night, and make transportation his responsibility, not yours. Your fiance may get tired of having to pick up the slack once you stop accomodating him.  If you also find him unpleasant to be around, then you can also encourage your fiance to do guy things with his friend.

[Dragonflymom]

Thanks for the advice.

I agree that with the first friend, my past issues have colored my opinion of him, and my fiance has agreed to help change the subject if he starts going off on things that upset me again.  The sterilizing comments, especially, since I can't have kids anymore from medical issues, probably got to me more than perhaps they might have with an average person.

With annoying friend number two... yeah I definitely will leave my fiance in charge of getting everything ready should he attempt to have this friend over to our place again, and my fiance has told him that he has to take care of his own transportation to/from the wedding and for getting his daughters fitted for their dresses.  He is supposed to be coming over on Sunday to get them measured (my fiance is making their dresses), I am not really holding my breath as to whether this will actually happen but we'll see.  And my fiance is in charge of dinner!

And yeah, the more things they do together away from our house, where I don't have to be involved, and my daughter doesn't get upset if he doesn't show up with his kids for her to play with like he says he's going to, the better!