Author Topic: The obligation of parents of a bully?  (Read 9007 times)

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GSNW

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2013, 02:14:10 PM »
I think that at some point, you have an obligation to ensure this doesn't happen, and not just 80% of the time.  If your child hits another child or tries to hit another child every time you're in a group play/public setting situation, then it's unfair to put other kids in the line of fire, so to speak. 

Now, I have no idea how to accomplish this, as it also seems mean to just isolate her until she's past the "smack all the girls" stage.  Once the smacking has already happened, though, I think you are fine to apologize (as this obviously was not intentional on your part) and move on from there.

If I kept seeing you at the park and I knew your daughter was the hitting daughter, I would be inclined to keep my kids far away.

...and this is why having kids seems really, really hard.  I hope this passes swiftly, OP!

Hollanda

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2013, 02:18:11 PM »
Try getting LK to kiss other child better.  Seems to help with DS in addition to time out.  He biy another kid. Once.  I removed him, strapped him in his buggy and left him for a minute.  Then went back to him and took him out, saying "Kiss x better". He did and has not bitten again although does get pushy when tired. Of course it may have been a one off anyway. ..but I like to try and teach compassion where possible.
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LadyL

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2013, 02:18:25 PM »

Judah

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2013, 02:22:53 PM »
Try getting LK to kiss other child better.  Seems to help with DS in addition to time out.  He biy another kid. Once.  I removed him, strapped him in his buggy and left him for a minute.  Then went back to him and took him out, saying "Kiss x better". He did and has not bitten again although does get pushy when tired. Of course it may have been a one off anyway. ..but I like to try and teach compassion where possible.

I really wouldn't want some random kid slobbering on my toddler, and I doubt my toddler would have allowed it.
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Hollanda

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2013, 02:28:43 PM »
I meant for kids known to the toddler. Poss wouldn't work with a random!
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cicero

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2013, 02:35:23 PM »


Circero - I try get her to apologize, but she either won't or can't right now.  I suspect can't.  Even if she said the words "I sawwy", she would just be saying them and not really understanding what they mean yet, so for now it's up to me to apologize on her behalf.
at this stage/age, she is going through the motions (as you say "just saying and not really understanding") but it is important for her to (a) get "trained" in apologizing and (b) maybe forcing her to do this will bring her to modify her behavior eventually (of course she is too young now to put two and two together, but at some point it will hit her that "when I do A mommy makes me do B which I hate so if i stop doing A i won't have to B"). I would absolutely make her apologize - even if she "can't", march her up to the other child and say "LK, you hurt OtherGirl. now you have to apologize. come, say "i'm sorry". Don't worry (at this stage) at TheFace that the other parent is giving you.

Also, I would start talking about it with LK. You need to do this fairly quickly after the fact, but something like "LK, when you hit the OtherGirl it hurt her. Remember when you fell at the park? remember how your hand hurt? that's how the OtherGirl felt. that isn't nice, is it?

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alis

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2013, 02:43:01 PM »
An apology and if the behaviour persists in a disturbing way, removal of the child would be suitable.

My friend's daughter is going through this right now (same age) and when she is like this with the kids, she apologizes and redirects her to play with my son instead (who is a bit older and gentle giant, so he can handle it).

Moray

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2013, 02:48:27 PM »
Try getting LK to kiss other child better.  Seems to help with DS in addition to time out.  He biy another kid. Once.  I removed him, strapped him in his buggy and left him for a minute.  Then went back to him and took him out, saying "Kiss x better". He did and has not bitten again although does get pushy when tired. Of course it may have been a one off anyway. ..but I like to try and teach compassion where possible.

I really wouldn't want some random kid slobbering on my toddler, and I doubt my toddler would have allowed it.

No. An "I'm sorry" is better. The other child may not want physical contact (especially if they've just been given a good whack, like only toddlers can) and it's just not a good habit to encourage.
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HGolightly

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2013, 02:51:46 PM »
I look after a few kids (including my own dd) and the big rule is "you hit, you sit" a simple language way to convey to the kids (all under 5). I feel awful as it has been my verbal but frustrated kid lately. I will tell the parents that dd hit child x, she was given a time out and has apologized. I also stress to the parents and the kids that it is never okay to hit and there will be appropriate consequences.

PurpleFrog

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #24 on: May 15, 2013, 02:52:53 PM »
As a parent the most important thing to me is seeing that the parent of the hitter is on top of the situation, and correcting their child's behaviour. If the parent of the hitee is identifiable a I'm sorry from you is appreciated, also if LKiis verbally up to it saying sorry to the child.

But mostly I just don't want to see the bad behaviour ignored.

She will grow out of it.
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Hollanda

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #25 on: May 15, 2013, 02:54:21 PM »
Try getting LK to kiss other child better.  Seems to help with DS in addition to time out.  He biy another kid. Once.  I removed him, strapped him in his buggy and left him for a minute.  Then went back to him and took him out, saying "Kiss x better". He did and has not bitten again although does get pushy when tired. Of course it may have been a one off anyway. ..but I like to try and teach compassion where possible.

I really wouldn't want some random kid slobbering on my toddler, and I doubt my toddler would have allowed it.

No. An "I'm sorry" is better. The other child may not want physical contact (especially if they've just been given a good whack, like only toddlers can) and it's just not a good habit to encourage.


He can (just) say "Sowwy" now, so yes, I'll be working on that.   And old ( did in my case) apologise profusely to all concerned!
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snowdragon

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #26 on: May 15, 2013, 03:31:50 PM »
Apologize yourself and take LK away from the situation. Even if the situation is a playdate or similar, she can't handle it at the moment so give her time to get herself together before continuing. maybe she's just over stimulated or something.  But having her apologize would not impress me much, as you'd have to have the victim there for however long it takes - making them stop what they were doing for however long it takes for you to  drag it out of her - and/or giving her another chance to hit them.
 I would recommend the same if she hit an adult or older child, too.

bopper

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #27 on: May 15, 2013, 03:53:13 PM »
All toddler's are bullies in some sense.  This is their creed:

If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours

As a parent, you have to gently teach them not to bully.  Do they have to share? maybe not.  Can they take a toy that somebody is actively playing with?  No and then you redirect them to something else.

BeagleMommy

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #28 on: May 15, 2013, 04:14:42 PM »
As the parent you should apologize for LK's behavior and make sure the other child wasn't hurt.  Making LK say she's sorry and removing her from doing something fun will reinforce her behavior is unacceptable.

Winterlight

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #29 on: May 15, 2013, 04:17:06 PM »
I think you apologizing and hauling her out of there is a good response. "If you can't play nicely, we can't stay."
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