Author Topic: The obligation of parents of a bully?  (Read 9429 times)

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Zilla

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #30 on: May 15, 2013, 04:22:28 PM »
I think you apologizing and hauling her out of there is a good response. "If you can't play nicely, we can't stay."


I agree and plus taking away her favorite toy at home.  Then hold the toy hostage till the next play time.  Tell her if she wants it back, she has to show that she can play nice the entire time.

Sheila Take a Bow

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #31 on: May 15, 2013, 04:30:51 PM »
I've been the parent of the child who was hit.  This is what I expected of the other parent:

1.  An apology.  If the child is too young or too reluctant, I'd rather hear the parent apologize than listen to them try to coax an apology out of their child.  Actually, the more I think about it, I don't want the other child to apologize to my daughter; after being hit, she doesn't want to be near the hitter and I am not going to force her to do so after she's already been wronged.

2.  Make it a quick apology.  At that point, I'm dealing with my daughter.  I don't want to spend a lot of time in some other parent's teaching moment for their child while I'd rather be giving attention to my daughter, who's upset/hurt/scared.

3.  Do something to make sure it doesn't happen again.  If I see the child hit another child, I'm going to decide that the parent isn't doing enough or the child is not ready to play with other children.  In either event, I will instruct my daughter to stay far away from the child.  If the child hits my daughter again, then I will not accept the apology from the parent or child.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2013, 05:35:59 PM by Sheila Take a Bow »

Lynn2000

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #32 on: May 15, 2013, 05:04:44 PM »
Interesting thread. My friend Amy has been thinking about this issue with her son, who is not yet 2. A few months ago she felt he was being the "bully" with other children at daycare--it sounded like he was a little bulldozer, and just crawled over other kids or pushed them aside, and maybe took toys away from them. Now she is concerned that he is being bullied, by a girl who is younger but bigger and more aggressive. She and the girl's mom have been working to teach their kids to be more assertive/more considerate of others, respectively. I'm not really sure what that translates to, practically speaking, with children under the age of 2.

Amy is sensitive to the issue because both she and her DH were bullied as children (teenagers). For her it's important to know that the other mom is working with her daughter to change her behavior, and they have probably discussed exactly how the other mom is doing that. These things are happening at daycare and being reported by the daycare worker, not witnessed by Amy or the other mom, and presumably the daycare worker is dealing with them in some immediate way that both moms agree with.
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alis

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #33 on: May 15, 2013, 06:04:28 PM »
I can't fathom an under-2 making the connection between play group bullying and a toy being taken away at home as a consequence. It's just too abstract. She's under 2, not 3 1/2-4.

Surianne

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #34 on: May 15, 2013, 06:33:45 PM »
I think if it's something like hitting or biting where there's physical damage, the obligation comes up front -- if you know your child is likely to do this, keep a close eye on him/her to make sure it doesn't happen in the first place. 

kherbert05

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #35 on: May 15, 2013, 07:08:42 PM »
Your biggest obligation to others is get to the root of and stop this behavior, so the suggestions for stopping it are appropriate. As far as what to do when it happens. Appologise and let them know you are going to handle it.


I really would think about if this is your daughter's way of saying lets leave now. A friend had leave fun thing immediately as a logical consequence. She couldn't understand why it stopped working. Till her son did something similar to what you describe. He left our group and went and hit a random kid - she announce the consequence and he responded GOOD TOO HOT. In his kid logic mind - hitting a random kid = telling mom I want to go home. 
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Peregrine

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #36 on: May 15, 2013, 07:35:13 PM »
I have had my share of similar experiences with similar behavior at the playground/place.  I tend to have a fairly relaxed view of this kind of interaction, because I think it is fairly age-appropriate behavior (I have a 2.5 year old boy).  Some day he's the hitter other days he's the hittee. I appreciate a quick apology and an indication that you are doing something to discipline the kid.

When my son does something inappropriate I apologize on his behalf, since he's really not very verbal yet, and then we go do timeout.  I try to find an obvious spot for him to sit and watch all the fun he's missing out on.  One time-out is all we try, if there is another incident we go home.  I have found that an hour is really all my little guy can handle before I start seeing him picking up on less than desirable behavior.  I tend to see much worse behavior at indoor play places than on a playground where kids can spread out more, so we limit our time at the indoor places and make an effort to get out the rain gear and use the playground year round.

Cattitude

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #37 on: May 15, 2013, 08:01:11 PM »
My son is 4. If he had ever done something like this we would have immediately left "fun place".  Unfortunately he was always the hittee and I have had to intervene a few times when other parents were clueless. And no SS syndrome I promise!

*inviteseller

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #38 on: May 15, 2013, 10:18:34 PM »
All 2 yr olds are bullies because they only care about themselves at that age.  It is instant gratification and lack of verbal skills though that make them seem worse than they are.  My darling sweet laid back DD, when moved from the baby room to the toddler room at 15 months became The Biter.  I was mortified!  Although they weren't supposed to tell me who her victims were, I knew and I would apologize to the parents (all but one was so nice about it!  The one threatened to sue my DD  :o)  All you can do at this age is redirect redirect redirect and apologize apologize apologize.  Most likely, those parents have little terrors too  ;)

kareng57

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #39 on: May 15, 2013, 10:18:56 PM »
I don't think that a quick apology to the other parent and leaving the playground is enough.  For all we know, the bully-child might have been tiring and wanting to go home, anyway.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking sternly to a child.  OP, you can grasp her wrists and say something like "you hit her, you made her cry!  We do not do that!"  This has to be immediate - waiting till you get home, and then giving a talk/time-out probably will not work.  She will likely have completely forgotten the incident by then.

I'd think that the other parent would appreciate seeing that you are treating it very seriously, as opposed to the "you know that's not nice, it's time to go home!" scenario that I witnessed all too often.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2013, 10:22:08 PM by kareng57 »

SiotehCat

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #40 on: May 15, 2013, 10:31:14 PM »
I think if it's something like hitting or biting where there's physical damage, the obligation comes up front -- if you know your child is likely to do this, keep a close eye on him/her to make sure it doesn't happen in the first place.

This.

Maybe even one of those backpack/leash things. At least until she grows out of this stage.

My child hasn't been that age for a long time, but when he was, I know that I would have been furious if someone hit him. I don't hit him, so random kids at the playground shouldn't be hitting him.

sammycat

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #41 on: May 15, 2013, 10:41:25 PM »
I don't think that a quick apology to the other parent and leaving the playground is enough.  For all we know, the bully-child might have been tiring and wanting to go home, anyway.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking sternly to a child.  OP, you can grasp her wrists and say something like "you hit her, you made her cry!  We do not do that!"  This has to be immediate - waiting till you get home, and then giving a talk/time-out probably will not work.  She will likely have completely forgotten the incident by then.

I'd think that the other parent would appreciate seeing that you are treating it very seriously, as opposed to the "you know that's not nice, it's time to go home!" scenario that I witnessed all too often.

1.  An apology.  If the child is too young or too reluctant, I'd rather hear the parent apologize than listen to them try to coax an apology out of their child.  Actually, the more I think about it, I don't want the other child to apologize to my daughter; after being hit, she doesn't want to be near the hitter and I am not going to force her to do so after she's already been wronged.

2.  Make it a quick apology.  At that point, I'm dealing with my daughter.  I don't want to spend a lot of time in some other parent's teaching moment for their child while I'd rather be giving attention to my daughter, who's upset/hurt/scared.

3.  Do something to make sure it doesn't happen again.  If I see the child hit another child, I'm going to decide that the parent isn't doing enough or the child is not ready to play with other children.  In either event, I will instruct my daughter to stay far away from the child.  If the child hits my daughter again, then I will not accept the apology from the parent or child.

As a parent the most important thing to me is seeing that the parent of the hitter is on top of the situation

I agree with all of these, especially the bolded.


TootsNYC

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #42 on: May 15, 2013, 10:48:38 PM »
I don't think that a quick apology to the other parent and leaving the playground is enough.  For all we know, the bully-child might have been tiring and wanting to go home, anyway.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking sternly to a child.  OP, you can grasp her wrists and say something like "you hit her, you made her cry!  We do not do that!"  This has to be immediate - waiting till you get home, and then giving a talk/time-out probably will not work.  She will likely have completely forgotten the incident by then.

I'd think that the other parent would appreciate seeing that you are treating it very seriously, as opposed to the "you know that's not nice, it's time to go home!" scenario that I witnessed all too often.

I don't like the idea that a parent of a misbehaving child has to "perform" for the "audience" of the other kid's parent. It's hard enough being a parent and dealing with other people's judgmentalism.

kareng57

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #43 on: May 15, 2013, 10:56:45 PM »
I don't think that a quick apology to the other parent and leaving the playground is enough.  For all we know, the bully-child might have been tiring and wanting to go home, anyway.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking sternly to a child.  OP, you can grasp her wrists and say something like "you hit her, you made her cry!  We do not do that!"  This has to be immediate - waiting till you get home, and then giving a talk/time-out probably will not work.  She will likely have completely forgotten the incident by then.

I'd think that the other parent would appreciate seeing that you are treating it very seriously, as opposed to the "you know that's not nice, it's time to go home!" scenario that I witnessed all too often.

I don't like the idea that a parent of a misbehaving child has to "perform" for the "audience" of the other kid's parent. It's hard enough being a parent and dealing with other people's judgmentalism.


Where do you get the idea that this is a "performance"??  IMO, it's an immediate consequence.  For most kids of this age, a quick exit from the playground and an explanation 10 minutes later that "what you did was not nice" will have absolutely no effect.

Being a parent means dealing with other peoples' judgemental attitudes 24/7, unfortunately.  I had many other parents think that I was too strict with my children but now, in their mid 20s, they have turned out to be people I am incredibly proud of (and they also think that their mom is pretty cool :))

Nemesis

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Re: The obligation of parents of a bully?
« Reply #44 on: May 15, 2013, 11:24:06 PM »
I've been the parent of the child who was hit.  This is what I expected of the other parent:

1.  An apology.  If the child is too young or too reluctant, I'd rather hear the parent apologize than listen to them try to coax an apology out of their child.  Actually, the more I think about it, I don't want the other child to apologize to my daughter; after being hit, she doesn't want to be near the hitter and I am not going to force her to do so after she's already been wronged.

2.  Make it a quick apology.  At that point, I'm dealing with my daughter.  I don't want to spend a lot of time in some other parent's teaching moment for their child while I'd rather be giving attention to my daughter, who's upset/hurt/scared.

3.  Do something to make sure it doesn't happen again.  If I see the child hit another child, I'm going to decide that the parent isn't doing enough or the child is not ready to play with other children.  In either event, I will instruct my daughter to stay far away from the child.  If the child hits my daughter again, then I will not accept the apology from the parent or child.

As a mother to the child that was hit, I agree with this.

A very sincere apology from you, the parent, to me and my child is better than you spending 5 mins trying to teach your child to apologize. And I would expect you to be holding your child close to you so that he/she cannot hit my child again.

I would also expect you (general you) to with remove your child, since he/she does not know how to play nice, or to be carefully and actively watched for the rest of playtime. My logic is: Why should my child, the victim, have to be removed from the play area because someone's child is hitting her? And if the parent knows that their child is a hitter, and has just hit my child, why are they not keeping better watch?