Author Topic: To add or not to add?  (Read 3325 times)

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Mental Magpie

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To add or not to add?
« on: May 15, 2013, 05:42:59 PM »
I really, really, really do NOT want to add my friend's fiance on Facebook.  I think I should, though, because a) I see him at work, b) I went to her child's (his soon to be step daughter) birthday party, and c) I can see this having serious repercussions for her.

My question pertain's to "a" and "b".  Would it be considered rude to not add someone who you may run into at work?  Would it be considered rude to not add a friend's spouse when you went to their child's birthday party?
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Surianne

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2013, 05:46:51 PM »
Hmm...why would you add him?  Did he friend request you? 

Judah

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2013, 05:49:12 PM »
I really, really, really do NOT want to add my friend's fiance on Facebook.  I think I should, though, because a) I see him at work, b) I went to her child's (his soon to be step daughter) birthday party, and c) I can see this having serious repercussions for her.

My question pertain's to "a" and "b".  Would it be considered rude to not add someone who you may run into at work?  Would it be considered rude to not add a friend's spouse when you went to their child's birthday party?

Friending or not friending is not a question of etiquette. I never friend coworkers, that's a straight-up policy of mine. But I also don't friend anyone I just don't want to friend. I have lots of people I see regularly in real life that I"m not Facebook friends with.
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WillyNilly

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2013, 05:50:38 PM »
I wouldn't seek him out, but if it were me and he requested to me, I'd accept but hide his feed and limit what posts of mine he can see. Sort of add "lite". Its easier to keep the peace that way.

Oh Joy

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2013, 05:51:20 PM »
Have to ask, is he a coworker or a guest?

Moray

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2013, 06:10:05 PM »
If you don't want to, don't. Just ignore the request.

What sort of "serious reprecussions" are you afraid of this having for her? It's generally a good policy to run screaming from anything that inserts you into someone else's relationship.
Utah

Mental Magpie

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2013, 06:26:27 PM »
He sent a friend request to me.

Judah, I have to disagree with you.  I think it can be rude.

Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.

Well, Moray, I think me NOT adding him may make him think it was her fault...part of the reason I don't want to add him.  I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Surianne

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2013, 06:29:18 PM »
Ah, if he tried to add you, I'd go with flat-out ignoring the request.  If he says something to you in person, you can say that you keep Facebook for very close friends and family* or that you don't go on Facebook very often.

What are the repercussions you're worried about?  Understanding that might help us give advice.

*A coworker said this to me and I was not even a little bit insulted.  I don't think any reasonable person would be.

Moray

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2013, 06:32:23 PM »
He sent a friend request to me.

Judah, I have to disagree with you.  I think it can be rude.

Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.

Well, Moray, I think me NOT adding him may make him think it was her fault...part of the reason I don't want to add him.  I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist.

I like Surrianne's excuse, if he ever brings it up. Honestly, though, I think you're way overthinking this. People use FB in all sorts of different ways and it's not rude to friend or not friend at your own discretion.

"I don't think what she did was right" <-- Super confused by this. Is there backstory we're supposed to be aware of?

Again, do not allow yourself to be inserted in anyone else's relationship. That includes playing headgames with yourself over whether or not to accept this friend request.
Utah

Curious Cat

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2013, 06:38:09 PM »
Not knowing any backstory I would just say that I don't have coworkers on my FB, of course this only works if you aren't friends with any other coworkers.  Otherwise Surriane's wording is good.

Mental Magpie

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2013, 06:58:58 PM »
He sent a friend request to me.

Judah, I have to disagree with you.  I think it can be rude.

Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.

Well, Moray, I think me NOT adding him may make him think it was her fault...part of the reason I don't want to add him.  I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist.

There is backstory but not anything you should be aware of (as in, I didn't post it anywhere else).  It wasn't pertinent to the question so I didn't include it.  PM me if you want to know the story...


Curious Cat, I do add coworkers so that's not a good excuse.

I like Surrianne's excuse, if he ever brings it up. Honestly, though, I think you're way overthinking this. People use FB in all sorts of different ways and it's not rude to friend or not friend at your own discretion.

"I don't think what she did was right" <-- Super confused by this. Is there backstory we're supposed to be aware of?

Again, do not allow yourself to be inserted in anyone else's relationship. That includes playing headgames with yourself over whether or not to accept this friend request.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Marguette

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2013, 10:45:31 PM »
Seconding what WillyNilly suggested: add him, hide his feed from your eyes, and your posts from his eyes.

*inviteseller

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2013, 12:02:43 AM »
You don't have to friend anyone for any reason.  Just because they are a friends fiance, or a cousins spouse, if you don't want to friend them, don't.  If he is going to abuse her because you didn't accept his friend request, I would talk to her about getting the heck out of that relationship.  And I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is all about drama and (I am assuming) stalking his gf through her fb friends.

Oh Joy

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2013, 06:47:08 AM »
...
Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.
...

IIRC, you work in a jail.  In your OP, you said you see him at work (as opposed to saying you work with him) so I wasn't sure which side of the bars he sleeps on.  Thanks for clarifying.

Mental Magpie

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Re: To add or not to add?
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2013, 06:52:43 AM »
...
Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.
...

IIRC, you work in a jail.  In your OP, you said you see him at work (as opposed to saying you work with him) so I wasn't sure which side of the bars he sleeps on.  Thanks for clarifying.

Oooooooh! I would never add a former inmate (they don't have Internet access), wouldn't ever dream of it.  I said I see him at work because he works in a completely different area and I may only see him briefly a handful of times in a month.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.