Author Topic: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41  (Read 12394 times)

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Moray

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #45 on: May 17, 2013, 05:07:40 PM »
The best solution will probably be just to never mention anything about babysitting. As far as they should know, you never go out except when Sister is also out. If it's clear you have, for some reason, gone out when Sister would have been available, you mention that you have a sitter right next door (or as good as), and you didn't want to make a fuss.

However, remember that *you cannot unilaterally keep a peace*. If Sister announces one day that she WILL babysit that evening, and you must go find something to do that will facilitate this, you will eventually have to put your foot down. If she breaks the peace over this, so be it.

This.

Honestly, all of the background matters not one tiny little bit. The reasons don't matter. Just don't mention babysitting around her, and if *she* mentions it, tell her you've got it covered. Period.

There's literally zero sense in getting upset about something preemptively.
Utah

chibichan

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #46 on: May 17, 2013, 08:33:28 PM »
My mum and dad will pressure me to make there lives easier as always and I will yet again become the inconsiderate, selfish, stupid, lazy etc etc etc (you get the idea) of the family.

So what ? You have survived and thrived all these years with that label .  I say Own It .

The "good" child's life was a living Hell . The "bad" child's life is happy and abuse-free .

Let me complete this sentence for you :

I will yet again become the inconsiderate , stupid , lazy , etc. of the family because I won't lay down and let them do what they want to me and my child .

Don't fear the Label . It's just another manipulation tactic designed to get you back into the abuser's reach .

Hugs !

The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

TootsNYC

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #47 on: May 17, 2013, 08:58:03 PM »
Also, I believe this:

That if you pick your boundaries, and you LIVE them (and don't spend any energy trying to justify or defend them, not verbally), then after enough time goes by, they'll stop bothering with the label. (That, or you'll have adjusted.)

Of course people are going to buck and pull when you first change the status quo. Little kids gripe and moan at first, too. *NO* discipline method works immediately--you are going to find that out when your kid gets older.

You *have* to give it time. You have to give the "stimulus-response" thing time to actually work. And you have to be consistent while you do it.

So just "tough it out" through the pain of the initial whining and labeling and guilting.
Hold on. Hold out.

Eventually they'll give in.

Also, another thing you need to do: be a role model for how this ought to be reacted to. So if you're matter-of-fact and mildly amused and completely collected, eventually they'll realize that this is how they should be acting, too.

laud_shy_girl

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Re: Because I just don't like you.
« Reply #48 on: May 18, 2013, 04:15:14 AM »
So how do I shut her down while keeping family harmony. Or am I living in a dream land.
Read my posting on "Magic Words." You have two choices. You either stand up to them (some very good words here about how to do that) or you, as someone said "offer your daughter up as a sacrificial victim." It's your choice but neither is going to be "happy" or "harmonious" for you (for them, maybe.)

Stop protecting your parents and sister from the consequences of their behaviors. Start defending your daughter from them.

You are very insightful. It's really made me look at the situation with new eyes.

In fact every one has. I am worried the family will "hate me" but its not my mum or even my dad(who clearly favors sis) that I am worried about. It's my Nan and Uncle and Cousins. My uncle told me on my wedding day I was horrible, as an example. 

I am 30 years old and still desperate for acceptance from people I can't stand and who think I am a stuck up freak.

I am getting texts off sister asking if I am going to see dad today. I can't because I don't have a sitter.
I am going to text this. keep in mind sis knows DD had a sitter 3 times this week as I was in the hospital when she was.

Sis I'm not going to the hospital today as I don't feel right leaving DD with a sitter again as she has been really funny about me not being there.(which is true) DH not being here has really thrown her out. I will see dad on Wednesday as DH will be back from his trip.

I know I shouldn't JADE but if I don't give her something I will have 50 texts in half an hour.

I would actually prefer for a sister like yours to ONLY see my kid when I'm not there.

I woudln't ever want my child to see or hear my sister speak nastily to me. And if I'm not there, she can't.

I suppose she could badmouth me, though, which would be why I wouldnt' want my child around her EVER.

I actually don't spend time alone with her. She is "good" if she has an audience. She is also being extra nice as I have something she wants.

I don't/ won't spend time around her without a buffer.

When I moved back to home City a few months ago, mum suggested Dad pop round 3 times a week to see DD for half an hour. She wanted one of those visits to include sis.
I said no! To protect myself I can and do say no.

Familys should not be this hard.



 
“For too long, we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds. And that's a very good thing.” - Jonah Lehrer

Iris

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #49 on: May 18, 2013, 05:08:27 AM »
This whole situation is setting off my hinky meter like crazy. I would say we're in the red zone, hinky-wise.

Your sister obviously still exerts a lot of control over you and especially your mother, as evidenced by you giving her waaaaaay too much information in that text. Basically, in order to avoid her unpleasant behaviour (and who could blame you?) you put yourself in a position where she can easily say "No problems, I'll come around and look after DD while you visit Dad. She won't be funny with ME there" and leave you without any hope of beandip or deflection or anything because she knows the entire, full situation from the get-go. I know you think you're avoiding the escalation but really you're just giving her more ammo.

Also, your mother is not an 'audience' before whom she will behave nicely, because your mother is already one of her victims. So having her allowed to visit while your mother is sitting is no guarantee whatsoever that she will behave in a non-toxic way. From what you have said are you *absolutely certain* that your mother wouldn't be bullied into leaving her in your sister's care for a while when your mother is supposed to be watching her and then keeping that from you?

I would like to offer some (((hugs))) because I don't think that this is an abusive situation that is fully in the past. From what you have described of your extended family there is an extremely long term, deep rooted, extremely sick emotional structure that you have not fully escaped from. I am incredibly impressed that you have made it as far as you have, to be honest, because that kind of inter-generational scape-goating often does permanent damage. You are obviously are very strong person who has somehow managed to form right ideas about human relationships in the middle of a quagmire of toxicity, but I don't think your journey is over yet.

My suggestion is that you sit down with someone you trust, perhaps your DH, and decide exactly what behaviour you are going to tolerate, what you are not, and how you are going to avoid it. That way you will have the reinforcement that you need to help you keep knowing that really, no, it's NOT you, it's them.

As to that Uncle, I really would enjoy the opportunity to tell him exactly what I think of someone who would say that to a person on their wedding day. Please, don't give him another thought.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Nemesis

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #50 on: May 18, 2013, 05:09:26 AM »
I think you are doing a great job so far, and yr decision is very positive and healthy.

I stopped seeing my sister since she moved far, far away to London. If she had stayed, I would have moved somewhere else. Honestly, my life has been far better with the distance between us. Even when she comes back for visits, I make sure to only see her for about an hour for her entire visit. My parents don't think I do enough (She is yur SISTER).

I use my daughter as an excuse. Without guilt, I would tell them that my schedule revolves around Angel, and we are not free. I would suggest you do the same. Don't tell her what you are doing, eignore the 50 texts, ignore any facebook messages, turn off your voicemail for good. My mother and sister both stopped calling or leaving me text messages once they realise that I won't reply.

If they get mad, I would tell them that I was busy bathing Angel/getting her to take a nap/feeding her/toilet training etc.

Believe me when I say that she only leaves you those message because she KNOWS they get to you. The moment you stop caring, she stops having power over you.

Protect your child. Do not expose her to people who use poisonous words that are designed to hurt. Because she will learn to do the same. And the cycle of abuse will continue through her.

StarFaerie

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #51 on: May 18, 2013, 06:24:21 AM »
I think you are doing a great job and that your message was perfect. Well done. I know how hard this is, so huge hugs.

If she does come back to you to offer to babysit, you have the excuse of, "No, she really just needs her Mum. Thanks anyway. See you Wednesday."

cicero

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Re: Because I just don't like you.
« Reply #52 on: May 18, 2013, 07:37:59 AM »
In fact every one has. I am worried the family will "hate me" but its not my mum or even my dad(who clearly favors sis) that I am worried about. It's my Nan and Uncle and Cousins. My uncle told me on my wedding day I was horrible, as an example. 

I am 30 years old and still desperate for acceptance from people I can't stand and who think I am a stuck up freak.


Laud_shy_girl - please read what you just wrote. someone told you *on your wedding day* something so horrible! and you are afraid of that person? why?

THis is way beyond your father's illness or your sister babysitting your child. This is a long history of dysfunctionality. I am so sorry for everything you have been through but I want to tell you that from this day forward, from this *moment* forward, you need to ask *permission* from nobody to live your life and to protect your family. your family - you, your husband, your child/ren. *that* is your family. your family of birth? it is a circumstance, a fact, but these people are not a family. stop giving them power.

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I know I shouldn't JADE but if I don't give her something I will have 50 texts in half an hour.
so? your phone can take it. let her send 50 texts. 100 texts. the *second* that you respond, you teach her that if she tries hard enough she will get you to respond. Just like a toddler whining and asking for something 100 times. you need to stand strong. It sounds like your husband has your back - let him help you.

Quote
Familys should not be this hard.
amen to that.

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JoyinVirginia

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #53 on: May 18, 2013, 07:45:56 AM »
After reading this entire thread, I want to second Nemesis - ignore, don't respond. And since this has become such an issue for you since moving back close to family, have you considered any counseling for yourself on how to respond to the family emotional triggers? It might be a good idea. If your dh has a nice family, spend your free time with them.

Venus193

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #54 on: May 18, 2013, 08:15:56 AM »
Some people subscribe to the idea that any family is better than none.  I completely disagree.  I second those who recommend therapy and no contact with your sister or anyone who tries to sabotage that.  You need to be strong for yourself, your child, and your husband.  That begins with relieving yourself of the stress of dealing with your sister.

Sophia

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #55 on: May 18, 2013, 09:10:00 AM »
Why precisely do you want to visit your dad?  Visiting your parents made sense when you'd only mentioned your sister as an abuser.  But, with your dad as an abuser too? 

From watching my mom continue to want approval from her mom, I guess my gut understands.  But, my brain is telling you Don't Bother!  He isn't worth the brain space to have to go to any effort to see him. 

gramma dishes

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Re: Because I just don't like you.
« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2013, 09:13:48 AM »

...   I am worried the family will "hate me" but its not my mum or even my dad(who clearly favors sis) that I am worried about. It's my Nan and Uncle and Cousins. My uncle told me on my wedding day I was horrible, as an example.  ...



This is the Uncle you're worried will "hate" you? ???

If someone said anything like that to me on my wedding day, I think I would "hate" them so much I'd never want to see them or hear their name mentioned again, much less be worried about what they thought of ME from that moment on!!

Why on earth would you care about what a jerk like that thinks of you?

It sounds like your entire family is ... shall we say 'unlikeable'.  At least they certainly are in the way they treat you.  Maybe you should just forget they exist, realize how much they have damaged your psyche, and concentrate your energies on yourself, your husband and your child.

Venus193

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Re: Because I just don't like you. More BG post 41
« Reply #57 on: May 18, 2013, 09:27:20 AM »
Some people subscribe to the idea that any family is better than none.  I completely disagree. 

I second those who recommend therapy and no contact with your sister or anyone who tries to sabotage that.  You need to be strong for yourself, your child, and your husband.  That begins with relieving yourself of the stress of dealing with your sister.

veronaz

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Re: Because I just don't like you.
« Reply #58 on: May 18, 2013, 09:32:26 AM »

...   I am worried the family will "hate me" but its not my mum or even my dad(who clearly favors sis) that I am worried about. It's my Nan and Uncle and Cousins. My uncle told me on my wedding day I was horrible, as an example.  ...



This is the Uncle you're worried will "hate" you? ???

If someone said anything like that to me on my wedding day, I think I would "hate" them so much I'd never want to see them or hear their name mentioned again, much less be worried about what they thought of ME from that moment on!!

Why on earth would you care about what a jerk like that thinks of you?

It sounds like your entire family is ... shall we say 'unlikeable'.  At least they certainly are in the way they treat you.  Maybe you should just forget they exist, realize how much they have damaged your psyche, and concentrate your energies on yourself, your husband and your child.

This.

Uncle:  You are horrible.
Me:  Why are you here - for the free food?  You need to leave - now.  If you brought a gift, please take it with you.  Have a good life. 
« Last Edit: May 18, 2013, 09:44:32 AM by veronaz »

MrTango

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Re: Because I just don't like you.
« Reply #59 on: May 18, 2013, 09:47:28 AM »
I am getting texts off sister asking if I am going to see dad today. I can't because I don't have a sitter.
I am going to text this. keep in mind sis knows DD had a sitter 3 times this week as I was in the hospital when she was.

Sis I'm not going to the hospital today as I don't feel right leaving DD with a sitter again as she has been really funny about me not being there.(which is true) DH not being here has really thrown her out. I will see dad on Wednesday as DH will be back from his trip.

I know I shouldn't JADE but if I don't give her something I will have 50 texts in half an hour.

If my sister sent me texts at anywhere near that rate simply because I didn't respond to her texts for half an hour, I would block her number from being able to text me at all.