Getting hit on at work?

[MasterofSquirrels]

I don't have any useful advice, however, I disagree with hyzenthylay.

Just because it isn't a social situation doesn't mean it is OK to suggest to a person that they are asking for unwanted attention. Given the information we have, the OP dresses appropriately for her job, she acts appropriately as well, suggesting that she should be "drab" is, uncalled for.

[LeveeWoman]

Where does she say she dresses that way? She said she dresses in conservative clothing.

Which is why I said she may need to consider a change in hair makeup or wardrobe. Not should, may. I have no idea.

Apparently she works for 'We Serve Chavaunist Pigs Inc.' All the affront at my suggestion is very appropriate for any social situation, but this is not a social situation. This is a job which apparently attracts pigs to her workplace. Minimizing the time and effort wasted in dealing with pigs might be served with a change in appearance, or it might not. I did make a following post with posture and attitude suggestions as well.

I won't derail the thread any further. My intent was only to help the OP.

Calling her co workers chauvestinistic pigs is not going to get the thread back on track. Blanket statements such as yours are mean spirited and unnecessary. And certainly not productive. It sounds to me like you are lashing out bc you don't like people disagreeing with your earlier comment.
OP, I suggest going to your superior, or filing a complaint with HR. unwanted advances are something I've dealt with in the past and they can get sticky very quickly. I'm sorry your new job started out this way. And contrary to other people's suggestions, the way you dress even if it was a but more "racy" not saying your dress is, but even in that case it should make no difference. You are not asking for it.

She's being hit on by members of the pubic, not her coworkers.

[Calypso]

Mrs. B, how annoying!
If I understand what you're saying, these are comments coming from members of the public who you are not serving or otherwise engaging in a conversation with----they're just blurting come-ons at you as you mind your own business moving around the building?

I can appreciate your not wanting to go too nuclear yet, as you've only just started the job. I'm trying to guess what Miss Manners would say about this....and I *think * she'd start by saying, play dumb as much as possible. Don't get hints. Make them go out on a blatant limb (hopefully some of them won't dare) and when they have "hey, what's your number, let's get together) how about just holding up the hand with the ring, pointing to the ring with the other hand, smiling and shaking your head?

Of course they don't deserve to be smiled at, but a wordless turn down may be the best way to shorten the whole interaction. If someone is obnoxious enough to say "so, you're married? so what?" you can shake your head, frown, and say "I have work to do. Good afternoon."

[PastryGoddess]

I was in this position a few years ago when I took a job at a convention center as a Banquet Manager.  Instead of the public, I was getting hit on by the cleaning and maintenance staff.  I wasn't dressing any differently than any other staff, I was simply young, relatively attractive and female. 

I found that looking them dead in the eye and calling them out on their comments tended to work.  The phrases after the *long pause* changed depending on the circumstances, but basically I would either get back to the point or end with a question to get us back on track. 

I used the following phrases most often:
"That's not an appropriate comment, *long pause* How can I help you"
"That was rude, *long pause* Can I help you with something"
"Why would you say that *long pause* Is there something you needed" (cocked head and puzzled tone helps)
"No thank you *long pause* Anything else"
"Not interested *long pause* Was there anything else you needed"
"*long pause*, As I was saying..."

Also if I was called by anything other than my name (prominently displayed on my badge, or Ms/ma'am/other business appropriate title) I would stop them and say "My name is "Pastrygoddess" and either ask what they wanted or continue on with what I was saying


It also helped that I was willing to do this in front of my own staff.  They would back me up if someone got out of line or tried to go further.  The first time I called someone out I was shaking on the inside.  Mostly from fear, but there was a little part of me that was angry I was being disrespected in my work place. Another thing that helped was remembering that I had first started working in the kitchen as an assistant and got way worse treatment from my head chefs.  If I can stand being called every name under the sun and having stuff thrown at me, then I can stand up for myself when people are being rude to me. By the time I left the kitchen for the front of the house, everyone knew not to mess with me because I'd give it right back.  Each time I got nervous about standing up to the comments I'd go back into "kitchen mode".  Eventually it got to be a habit and I didn't have to take a deep breath before I started talking.  The knocking knees and racing heart go away as well

[Van down by the river]

Where does she say she dresses that way? She said she dresses in conservative clothing.

Which is why I said she may need to consider a change in hair makeup or wardrobe. Not should, may. I have no idea.

Apparently she works for 'We Serve Chavaunist Pigs Inc.' All the affront at my suggestion is very appropriate for any social situation, but this is not a social situation. This is a job which apparently attracts pigs to her workplace. Minimizing the time and effort wasted in dealing with pigs might be served with a change in appearance, or it might not. I did make a following post with posture and attitude suggestions as well.

I won't derail the thread any further. My intent was only to help the OP.

Calling her co workers chauvestinistic pigs is not going to get the thread back on track. Blanket statements such as yours are mean spirited and unnecessary. And certainly not productive. It sounds to me like you are lashing out bc you don't like people disagreeing with your earlier comment.
OP, I suggest going to your superior, or filing a complaint with HR. unwanted advances are something I've dealt with in the past and they can get sticky very quickly. I'm sorry your new job started out this way. And contrary to other people's suggestions, the way you dress even if it was a but more "racy" not saying your dress is, but even in that case it should make no difference. You are not asking for it.

She's being hit on by members of the pubic, not her coworkers.

Sorry. I miss understood.  It's so hard to manage on my phone! :-)
In that case, I find a simple but polite " that's sweet, but my husband wouldn't approve of it" usually stops them. If not. A simple "I'm married" should help. Not that you are hiding behind your DH, but that let's them know once and for all that you are unavailable. I held up my left hand to flash the ring as well.

[LifeOnPluto]

I agree with Van. OP, if you wear a wedding ring, flash it at them. If you don't wear one, you might want to think about getting one, just to wear at work.

If they say "You're married - so what? Let's go out!" then you are absolutely ok to get firm with them. Eg "Excuse me, that is totally inappropriate" etc.

[cicero]

If I understand these are not people you are dealing with in the parameters of your job, but unwanted messages from people that your org/office is serving?

First, I would go to HR and ask for advice. You say you are as female in a male-dominated field, I'm sure this issue has come up in the past. Otherwise, depends on the particulars: advice, if you are passing someone in the hallway and they make an unwanted remark, ignore it or fix them wiih the Icy Glare of Doom. If you are cornered, then I  would follow pastry goddess's . personally I find this behavior very inappropriate and maybe it's my advanced age, but *I* wouldn't smile and be nice and turn it into a joke. Nor would i flash my wedding ring at them. Those guys are out of line and should understand that it is *not* OK.

[Iris]

If I understand these are not people you are dealing with in the parameters of your job, but unwanted messages from people that your org/office is serving?

First, I would go to HR and ask for advice. You say you are as female in a male-dominated field, I'm sure this issue has come up in the past. Otherwise, depends on the particulars: advice, if you are passing someone in the hallway and they make an unwanted remark, ignore it or fix them wiih the Icy Glare of Doom. If you are cornered, then I  would follow pastry goddess's . personally I find this behavior very inappropriate and maybe it's my advanced age, but *I* wouldn't smile and be nice and turn it into a joke. Nor would i flash my wedding ring at them. Those guys are out of line and should understand that it is *not* OK.

This. It really isn't okay to hit on someone or make inappropriate suggestions simply because they are in possession of lady parts and in your vicinity. It's not sweet, it's not flattering. In a professional situation though I would be looking to discuss this with HR or my boss to clear the approach I wanted to take and work with them to come up with a way to shut these buffoons down NOW but still be able to do my job/represent the company as they require.

[veronaz]

I can't imagine "flashing" a wedding ring or spending time and money on a fake ring.  These clods most likely don't care about your relationship status.

An icy look and a terse "Not interested", then carrying on with business should suffice.

[Redsoil]

"I'm sure you don't mean to offend."  Then on with the task at hand/business talk.

[jaxsue]

She's already dressing professionally, how could she adjust her wardrobe? Why should she adjust her wardrobe?

People who look young single and 'trendy' can attract unwanted attention. And since the attention is coming from the public there isn't much she's going to be able to do to 'retrain' them. Changing her style to something more 'drab' may help. It's not exclusive to being female. There is a young man in my department who spends longer chatting with some of the women then would be ideal given his workload.

OP, do you look as though you are open to conversation? Try to roll your shoulders back and stand straight. When you are moving, move with purpose. When you are standing have something you are looking at or reading. Minimize eye contact with members of the public and practice a minimal 'I acknowledge you' minimal smile. Or simply nod without the smile.

Per the bolded: blaming the victim? The OP has stated that she dresses conservatively. Even if she didn't, that doesn't give anyone the right to act inappropriately.

[TurtleDove]

I agree with Audrey Quest and Redsoil - no need for an icy stare or to put people on the defensive. Just casually make it known you are flattered but not interested and move on.

[TootsNYC]

I wouldn't try to make them think I'm flattered. It's not flattering, because it's not really about any *genuine* interest in you as a person. It's a power thing.

I'd be cold and stern. And say, "I don't appreciate those sorts of comments. Do not make them. Did you have any business thing I could help you with?"

Honestly, this is a "rape culture" thing, this "let them know you are flattered." Why the hell should you be flattered that someone you don't even know wants to flirt with you? Or wants to be suggestive? That's not a compliment. That's nasty. If anything, the assumption that you might ever, in any way, welcome an overly friendly comment from a male is a bit of an insult, as if you have no discretion.

And I think that by *ever* indicating you are flattered, you simply reinforce their idea that it's ever appropriate to make those comments to ANY woman.

ETA: But if these are customers, and not colleagues, you may not be able to stop them. However, by suddenly becoming distant and cold when they do it, you might discourage them from doing it to someone else.

I'd also start educating my colleagues and coworkers, so that they can chime in as well.

[Twik]

I agree with Audrey Quest and Redsoil - no need for an icy stare or to put people on the defensive. Just casually make it known you are flattered but not interested and move on.

No. She is NOT flattered. Why should she be?

[Jocelyn]

I agree with Audrey Quest and Redsoil - no need for an icy stare or to put people on the defensive. Just casually make it known you are flattered but not interested and move on.

Men who make passes at random women don't need the message that their attentions are flattering- they already believe that women are or should be incredibly flattered at their attentions. Telling them that she's flattered only rewards them and makes it more likely they'll repeat their behavior, either to her or to another unwilling recipient.  A statement along the lines of, 'Let's keep this on a professional level, please. What related to my job duties can I do to assist you?'  is more likely to get the message across.