Author Topic: Upcoming funeral  (Read 5528 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

DE

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4
Upcoming funeral
« on: May 18, 2013, 06:00:57 PM »
For the sake of keeping identities secret I am going keep this somewhat vague.  We know that my father will be passing away soon.  He knows this as well and as such has been spending as much time with relatives as he can.  Now due to issues in the family all of the relationships between members is fairly toxic.  My wife and I have been staying away due to my brother and sister having personal issues with us that, and when they see us they start fights in front of him causing him stress he does not need right now. 
We have found out that they plan to keep my wife out of the funeral after he passes.  Now I don't mean out of the arrangements, but to not allow her around at all (including the final days he will be with us).  She has been married to me for many years and he thinks of her as his own daughter and is stressed out about the current situation, but due to his health simply does not have it in him to fight my brother and sister about these issues.  Our concern is when it comes time should we both go to the funeral and upset some (but not all) family members, or should she allow me to go on my own which will hurt her and be against my father's wishes.
In case it matters she has done nothing that should be causing these feelings in the family, and from what we can see my brother and sister are doing the things they are to try and get as much as they can when he passes. 
Basically our choice is to cause a lot of drama at the funeral and have her there (which is in keeping with his wishes), or to simply not go and miss out the funeral.

25wishes

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 234
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2013, 06:05:47 PM »
Is your mother still alive, and if so, how does she feel? And what do you want, do you want her with you?

If she goes and is challenged, she should just repeat, "Dad (your father) wanted me to be here."



Amava

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4751
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2013, 06:10:00 PM »
Our concern is when it comes time should we both go to the funeral and upset some (but not all) family members, or should she allow me to go on my own which will hurt her and be against my father's wishes.
In case it matters she has done nothing that should be causing these feelings in the family, and from what we can see my brother and sister are doing the things they are to try and get as much as they can when he passes. 
Basically our choice is to cause a lot of drama at the funeral and have her there (which is in keeping with his wishes), or to simply not go and miss out the funeral.

Of /course/ she should accompany you to the funeral! Why on earth would you care about upsetting these family members. Do they care about upsetting you, and her? (Well yes, of course they care about it - in the wrong way! It sounds like they love to upset her!)

What do you mean with "drama at the funeral". Do you think they would say anything, do anything, if she is there "against their wishes"? What would they say or do?

Quote
She has been married to me for many years and he thinks of her as his own daughter and is stressed out about the current situation, but due to his health simply does not have it in him to fight my brother and sister about these issues.
It is really infuriating that your brother and sister would /make/ him need to fight about these issues while he is dying. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

What do they have against your wife anyway?


DE

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2013, 06:15:11 PM »
Sorry i forgot to mention.  Yes my mother has passed, and by drama I mean they are capable of anything.  Their goal was to discredit us so my father would turn on us and write us out of his will.  When that failed they began to discredit us with the rest of the family with lies that focused on my wife.  They even went as far as to concoct lies to me about her (which were disproven) in hopes that I would leave her.  We really feel that if she came the cops would end up having to be called.  They are basically spiteful and will do whatever they can to get what they want no matter who it hurts.  I just do not want such a good man to be remembered that way.  What they have against her is a item of his went missing while she was visiting and they naturally assumed since they were removing items from his house already that she had done the same.  It was a piece of jewelry that was eventually found at surprise, surprise my sister's house...
« Last Edit: May 18, 2013, 06:17:44 PM by DE »

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2013, 06:40:52 PM »
Do a pre emptive strike and call the non emergency number for the police before you go to the funeral.  Explain, briefly, that your brother and sister are trying to unjustly bar you from your father's funeral and that you do not want any issues, what would they suggest as it is likely to get ugly.  I would not miss my father's funeral for anything and toxic relatives be damned.  Both you and your wife walk in there with your heads held high.  And arrange times with your father for visits now that will not coincide with them being there and tell no one. 

veronaz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2225
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2013, 06:41:37 PM »
If your father wants her to be there, you want her to be there, and she wants to be there, then she should be there.

Do not allow yourself to continue to be afraid of these people.  Stop fretting about what they might do.  If they get outrageous, they will have to face the consequences.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2013, 07:38:44 PM by veronaz »

Jocelyn

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3222
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2013, 07:03:14 PM »
I'm going with the minority response. While good manners would dictate that a daughter-in-law should attend, you are talking about people who are lacking in good manners, and, quite possibly, good sense. You mention that the cops might have to be called. That sound to me like there's a real risk that someone will be assaulted. The funeral is not going to be a dignified, respectful affair, in that case.
I heartily recommend that you contact the funeral director so that you and your wife can have a private goodbye. You can read eulogies, poems, sing songs, whatever will make the ceremony meaningful for you, and will make you feel that you honored your father. Then don't put yourselves through the hooplah. You can stay away, or attend by yourself, whatever feels right to you. You can host a reception on your own for those relatives that aren't judging you, so that they understand that your wife's (and, possibly, your) staying away had nothing to do with a lack of respect, but that you wanted to diminish the drama.
Somehow, I think that your father will understand.

Thipu1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6897
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2013, 07:08:41 PM »
I agree with nost other posters that you should both attend the funeral.  Unless a restraining order is in force, we have never heard of anyone being barred from a funeral.

  It has been said that these occasions are more for the living than for the deceased.  However, showing proper respect for someone you loved and who loved you is never a bad thing. 

In our experience, police officers are usually in attendance at a funeral if only to direct traffic.  A subtle heads-up to the police department  or the funeral director may be in order. 

It's a terrible shame that this man must go through this sort of drama in his last days. 

We do hope his passing and his funeral will be peaceful. 
« Last Edit: May 18, 2013, 07:11:13 PM by Thipu1 »

Roses

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 202
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2013, 07:15:29 PM »
Not only should you go to the funeral, you should be sure your father gets a last visit with your wife before he passes.  This is a great time to ignore the toxic and be sure YOU and your wife honor your father in the way that is most important to YOU. 

veronaz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2225
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2013, 07:41:39 PM »
You can honor your father or honor the toxic relatives.  The choice should be easy.

(you can be sure they love the fact that you're intimidated)

Shoo

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16393
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2013, 09:00:21 PM »
How can your brother and his wife prevent your wife from seeing your dad?  Will they physically block her?  Will they put their hands on her?  Have your phone out and ready to dial 911 if they touch her.  Make them aware you will do so.  Then just DO it.  Don't ask for permission, don't announce your intentions.  Just do it.  Same with the funeral.

Jaelle

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1521
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2013, 10:01:12 PM »
I'm not sure about this, so this is a bit of a rhetorical question. I do wonder if others might know.

I wonder if you could call the local police emergency line a few days before the funeral and lay the problem out to them proactively? Is it possible you have the sort of local police department that might just make sure an officer is lingering around to be sure there are no issues?

*Edited to add a word.
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

magician5

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3490
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2013, 11:22:47 PM »
Your brother and his wife are son-and-daughter-in-law to the deceased, and so are you and your wife. I fail to see why they and their wishes should prevail over you and your wishes.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

kudeebee

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2225
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2013, 12:02:28 AM »
Your brother and his wife are son-and-daughter-in-law to the deceased, and so are you and your wife. I fail to see why they and their wishes should prevail over you and your wishes.

It is OPs brother and sister, not brother and wife.

OP, do they live with your dad?  Are they there all the time?  You and dw need to go and visit your dad before he passes.  As others have said, if things get nasty, call 911.  I would also not let them stop me from attending the funeral.  If they make a scene they are the ones who will look bad, not you.  They cannot keep you from your father's funeral.  I would be sure to have a chat with the funeral director ahead of time, maybe even now before dad passes if you know who you will be using, so that he knows what is going on and is prepared.

m2kbug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1547
Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #14 on: May 19, 2013, 12:07:50 AM »
This sure brings out the worst in people doesn't it?  Same accusations of theft were swirling about when my grandparents passed, and each and every one of them was guilty of this.  They took it 100x worse and further with sibling bickering over the will and property.  Because the grandparents lived in a gated community that one of the brothers also worked at, they were able to bar me and some other family members from visiting, when our names used to be on the list and we used to visit weekly.  It was awful.  I really feel for you. 

You should both go and you should both spend time with your father while he's still here.  Unless they have some power, there's nothing they can do.  Hopefully they can behave themselves at the funeral. 

I think putting in a warning with the funeral home as someone mentioned would be a good idea and talk with family members who you know and who see the whole situation as petty, so they can help out, kind of like the "wedding babysitter" and you can have a group of allies to sort of help keep the peace.