Author Topic: Upcoming funeral  (Read 5466 times)

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Lynda_34

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #15 on: May 19, 2013, 12:12:55 AM »
I'm not sure about this, so this is a bit of a rhetorical question. I do wonder if others might know.

I wonder if you could call the local police emergency line a few days before the funeral and lay the problem out to them proactively? Is it possible you have the sort of local police department that might just make sure an officer is lingering around to be sure there are no issues?

*Edited to add a word.
I'm going with the minority response. While good manners would dictate that a daughter-in-law should attend, you are talking about people who are lacking in good manners, and, quite possibly, good sense. You mention that the cops might have to be called. That sound to me like there's a real risk that someone will be assaulted. The funeral is not going to be a dignified, respectful affair, in that case.
I heartily recommend that you contact the funeral director so that you and your wife can have a private goodbye. You can read eulogies, poems, sing songs, whatever will make the ceremony meaningful for you, and will make you feel that you honored your father. Then don't put yourselves through the hooplah. You can stay away, or attend by yourself, whatever feels right to you. You can host a reception on your own for those relatives that aren't judging you, so that they understand that your wife's (and, possibly, your) staying away had nothing to do with a lack of respect, but that you wanted to diminish the drama.
Somehow, I think that your father will understand.

Funeral directors have seen everything. I agree with give the police a heads up but between them and the funeral directors everything should go smoothly.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #16 on: May 19, 2013, 12:23:17 AM »
I'm not sure about this, so this is a bit of a rhetorical question. I do wonder if others might know.

I wonder if you could call the local police emergency line a few days before the funeral and lay the problem out to them proactively? Is it possible you have the sort of local police department that might just make sure an officer is lingering around to be sure there are no issues?

*Edited to add a word.
I'm going with the minority response. While good manners would dictate that a daughter-in-law should attend, you are talking about people who are lacking in good manners, and, quite possibly, good sense. You mention that the cops might have to be called. That sound to me like there's a real risk that someone will be assaulted. The funeral is not going to be a dignified, respectful affair, in that case.
I heartily recommend that you contact the funeral director so that you and your wife can have a private goodbye. You can read eulogies, poems, sing songs, whatever will make the ceremony meaningful for you, and will make you feel that you honored your father. Then don't put yourselves through the hooplah. You can stay away, or attend by yourself, whatever feels right to you. You can host a reception on your own for those relatives that aren't judging you, so that they understand that your wife's (and, possibly, your) staying away had nothing to do with a lack of respect, but that you wanted to diminish the drama.
Somehow, I think that your father will understand.

Funeral directors have seen everything. I agree with give the police a heads up but between them and the funeral directors everything should go smoothly.

Oh, dear.

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Pen^2

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2013, 02:22:09 AM »
I'm going with the minority response. While good manners would dictate that a daughter-in-law should attend, you are talking about people who are lacking in good manners, and, quite possibly, good sense. You mention that the cops might have to be called. That sound to me like there's a real risk that someone will be assaulted. The funeral is not going to be a dignified, respectful affair, in that case.
I heartily recommend that you contact the funeral director so that you and your wife can have a private goodbye. You can read eulogies, poems, sing songs, whatever will make the ceremony meaningful for you, and will make you feel that you honored your father. Then don't put yourselves through the hooplah. You can stay away, or attend by yourself, whatever feels right to you. You can host a reception on your own for those relatives that aren't judging you, so that they understand that your wife's (and, possibly, your) staying away had nothing to do with a lack of respect, but that you wanted to diminish the drama.
Somehow, I think that your father will understand.

I agree with this.

You should be doing and thinking of what is best for your father at this time. If your choices are only 1: go to the funeral together and end up with a huge row involving police and upsetting everyone there, or 2: don't go and feel understandably left out due to not being able to go to your own father's funeral, then which would your father prefer? Would he rather you and your wife are upset (and you can always pay respects to him yourselves privately in your own way), or that his entire funeral became a toxic shambles?

Try to spend as much time with him as possible now, as I am sure you are, especially when other toxic people aren't going to be around (such as during working hours). Let him know how much you and your wife love him. Once he has passed, do what is most respectful to him, even if it may be not what you personally want and is frankly unfair. A funeral is absolutely not the place to be insisting that toxic people suddenly learn to behave and go along with what is right.

weeblewobble

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2013, 07:52:02 AM »
I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I think the decision needs to be left up to your wife.  Is she comfortable attending the funeral under these circumstances or would she find it too stressful?  Would she be more comfortable asking the funeral home for a brief private viewing to say her goodbyes?  Is she comfortable with possibly leaving you at your father's funeral without her support?

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2013, 11:13:56 AM »
My sympathies to you OP.
I want to echo what others have said about consulting with funeral home staff, also if there is a clergy person involved who visits your father, or someone in his faith community you could approach.
At some funeral homes I have been to, there is a room to the side in the chapel where people could sit and be hidden from view of the main room. I have also seen, when their was a large crowd, the service being shown on a screen in another room. So the staff may be able to accommodate you and keep your wife shielded from other family members that do not want her there.
When my fathers parents died, I got to see the best of family with him and his siblings working together to take care of my grandparents health needs and keep them at home as long as possible.  After the funeral and in the next few years I got to see the worst of family with fighting over the will.  (when the deceased writes ” share and share alike” it is amazing the fights that happen over what is a share exactly).
Anyway, my sympathy. You may even want to consult an attorney to protect your interest, or at least see if a letter from a lawyer s office might get them to behave.  I have a feeling the funeral will just be the start of arguments.

White Lotus

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #20 on: May 19, 2013, 01:30:48 PM »
In some faiths, there is one and only one "official" funeral.  There may be provisions for other memorial services, and that may be a solution if there is, but in OP's faith, some kind of "private good-bye" might just not cut it.  I suggest a discussion with their clergy about how best to proceed. 
And do visit, and also let your father, OP, know how you feel about him and want to say to him in ther ways, if your visiting is curtailed.  Letters, emails, Facebook, phone calls, postcards.  Let him know he is loved.

gramma dishes

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #21 on: May 19, 2013, 03:42:28 PM »
If your father is well enough to express himself coherently, I do think he should make a statement to them that he definitely wants you and your wife at any services in his honor whether they be a wake, a full fledged funeral, a memorial service, or whatever. 

I also sincerely hope that your brother, your sister and you each have your own separate copies of the will.

snappylt

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #22 on: May 19, 2013, 03:56:55 PM »
I just want to add my agreement to those who have suggested talking with the funeral director (and the clergy member, if there is one) now.

If I were doing it I think I'd say something like "I want to give you a "head's up" about a possible disagreement that may come up at the funeral.  I don't expect you to take sides on this, I just want you to know that my father-in-law told us he wants us to attend, and my wife and I want to be there to honor his memory.  From comments they have made, we think other relatives may try to keep us away.  Could you help us see to it that we can attend peacefully?"

I realize I could be wrong, but I'm thinking if you pass along this information as a "head's up" and as a calm, polite request for help it may be to your advantage.

How very sad for you and your wife!

bopper

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #23 on: May 20, 2013, 10:21:56 AM »
I would also say to consider how what you decide will affect the future.

If you bow to their demands, then the next demand is that you don't get your share of the estate or you don't get to attend a wedding or grandma's funeral etc. etc.

I would make it my goal to minimize stress to dad while he is alive, but for the funeral, notify the funeral director of the potential issues, notify the executor of the estate ofthe potential issues, and then both of you go to the funeral.

TootsNYC

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #24 on: May 20, 2013, 01:11:28 PM »
I'm going with the minority response. While good manners would dictate that a daughter-in-law should attend, you are talking about people who are lacking in good manners, and, quite possibly, good sense. You mention that the cops might have to be called. That sound to me like there's a real risk that someone will be assaulted. The funeral is not going to be a dignified, respectful affair, in that case.
I heartily recommend that you contact the funeral director so that you and your wife can have a private goodbye. You can read eulogies, poems, sing songs, whatever will make the ceremony meaningful for you, and will make you feel that you honored your father. Then don't put yourselves through the hooplah. You can stay away, or attend by yourself, whatever feels right to you. You can host a reception on your own for those relatives that aren't judging you, so that they understand that your wife's (and, possibly, your) staying away had nothing to do with a lack of respect, but that you wanted to diminish the drama.
Somehow, I think that your father will understand.


I'm going to go along with Jocelyn.

And I'm going to suggest that you look through the list of other family members and see if there are others that you could invite to join you at this private memorial service. For the emotional support, the company in grieving, and the public-relations aspects.

And then decide if perhaps you simply want to make it known among the greater family that you had a private memorial service (for the sake of your reputation among the larger family), and just skip the one your brother attends.

I would also suggest that you visit your dad at times when the siblings aren't there, and suggest that he arrange with nurses, hospice workers, etc., for there to be some times for your wife to visit her beloved FIL when there are no siblings there.

And then you can quietly make this known to other people.

If you decide to both go to the funeral, etc., you don't have to join in the nastiness. You can sit on the other side of the church/room; walk away when they approach you; spend your time with people who are pleasant to you.

This is a situation that absolutely calls for the cut-and-paste. If anyone approaches for drama, you both say the exact same phrase: "It's an emotional time; I'm sure we'll all miss Dad." Even if they're saying, "You're a drunk, and you don't belong here."

Decide that you aren't going to bother "defending your honor" from them, because they are not in a position to BESMIRCH your honor. Or your wife's honor.

Be Teflon.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2013, 01:13:24 PM by TootsNYC »

DE

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #25 on: May 21, 2013, 11:27:00 PM »
A little update on the situation.
   I did talk to my father and he is working with us to arrange a time to go out with just my wife and I so we can spend some peaceful time together.  Unfortunately the past few times we have tried the plans have gotten ruined because they have caught wind of them and spoiled them in some way or another.  After speaking with him he said he understands how they are and what is going on.  He basically says that is just how they are and is trying to keep the peace on both sides.  They will bad mouth us to him and he just sits there quietly until they stop.  They have basically said to him that his not being mad at us is a example of him not being in his right state of mind.  Honestly I believe all of this stress they are putting on him makes him wish he would just pass on and not have to deal with his family treating each other like this anymore.  If only for this reason alone we would stay away completely to keep the anger away from him. 
   I like some of the ideas I have seen about talking to the funeral director and arranging a time to go just us to avoid any issues.  If we do it this way we can pay our respects and avoid any of the other issues.  The funny part is if we don't go to the main funeral they will bad mouth us for missing it, but if we go we have to fear being attacked.  We really are not intimidated by them, but this man who has done everything for everyone deserves to have a funeral that is peaceful and if the only way he can get what he deserves is by us not going we are ok with that.  I know that might sound weird to some people, but I really have never met anyone who did not like and respect my father.  He is the type of man every man wishes they could be and the community deserves to come say goodbye to him in a peaceful respectful manner.  Thank you everyone for the advice again and I will keep you all updated.

The TARDIS

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #26 on: May 23, 2013, 01:06:34 AM »
Wow OP that is quite a dreadful situation! I wish you luck in getting through it and many e-hugs for the trouble you're dealing with.

My fear is the toxic relatives won't notify you when he passes and make you miss the funeral that way. I would not put such pettiness past these people.
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YummyMummy66

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #27 on: May 23, 2013, 09:37:58 AM »
I think what your father needs to do is tell this side of the family that they need to cut the crap or he is writing them out of the will and they will get nothing.  And he will write his new will in such a way that if they try and discredit it, they will get nothing.

But, alas, that is easier said than done at this time in his life.

Go, see your father.  Take him away where you can visit without the other side of the family if you have to.  Rent a hotel room, whatever, so you can see your dad in peace.


TootsNYC

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #28 on: May 23, 2013, 09:41:48 AM »
Can your dad get the hospice/hospital staff to help him protect his time and his peacefulness? They can issue a fake rule that says your dad can only have visitors for 30 minutes or something, so they have to go away.

Your dad can be completely in charge here, and he can probably get the hospital to help him.

And yeah, that's an interesting point from YummyMummy66--can your dad leave the hospital for a bit? Going out for some sort of time together might be a way to avoid being dropped in on.

veronaz

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Re: Upcoming funeral
« Reply #29 on: May 23, 2013, 03:06:27 PM »
A little update on the situation.
   I did talk to my father and he is working with us to arrange a time to go out with just my wife and I so we can spend some peaceful time together.  Unfortunately the past few times we have tried the plans have gotten ruined because they have caught wind of them and spoiled them in some way or another.  After speaking with him he said he understands how they are and what is going on.  He basically says that is just how they are and is trying to keep the peace on both sides.  They will bad mouth us to him and he just sits there quietly until they stop.  They have basically said to him that his not being mad at us is a example of him not being in his right state of mind.  Honestly I believe all of this stress they are putting on him makes him wish he would just pass on and not have to deal with his family treating each other like this anymore.  If only for this reason alone we would stay away completely to keep the anger away from him. 
   I like some of the ideas I have seen about talking to the funeral director and arranging a time to go just us to avoid any issues.  If we do it this way we can pay our respects and avoid any of the other issues.  The funny part is if we don't go to the main funeral they will bad mouth us for missing it, but if we go we have to fear being attacked.  We really are not intimidated by them, but this man who has done everything for everyone deserves to have a funeral that is peaceful and if the only way he can get what he deserves is by us not going we are ok with that.  I know that might sound weird to some people, but I really have never met anyone who did not like and respect my father.  He is the type of man every man wishes they could be and the community deserves to come say goodbye to him in a peaceful respectful manner.  Thank you everyone for the advice again and I will keep you all updated.

I think you and your wife are intimidated by these people, and so is your father.

It's strange that he just sits and quietly listens to all their negativity.  He could at least tell them the badmouthing and negativity aren't good for his health, OR everytime they start up he could ask them to leave and get assistance from hospital staff if necessary.  Putting up with toxic behavior isn't a pre-requisite of being liked and respected.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2013, 03:09:53 PM by veronaz »