How rude is it to be annoyed by a call home? (updated:#36)

[LifeOnPluto]

Retaliatory rudeness is generally rude, so I'd avoid being annoyed with her if she calls.

However, I personally think it's ok to express surprise if she calls - especially if it's on the first night. I don't see anything wrong with saying "Hang on, you got mad at me for calling when I was away, as you stated that it was unnecessary, so I'm rather surprised that you're calling me now."

[cicero]

Retaliatory rudeness is wrong. It's even worse when it's 5 years after the fact. Don't act like a petulant 4yo. Frankly, your refusal to call home the rest of that week was extremely childish. It sounds like she didn't realize what she did. I've done that -- been distracted and then someone interrupts me and I come off very peeved. It's not intentional and I would be very, very hurt that someone held it against me for 5 years.

Yes, your wife was likely rude, or at least not as warm as you expected her to be. Your response to that is entirely out of proportion.

I know that when I've been on the road and I call my sons, sometimes they're annoyed at being interrupted and I've told them that I didn't appreciate it. I certainly wouldn't think of playing tit-for-tat five years later. To avoid problems like that, we have some set times to call. Do you have that with your wife?

this.

What happened five years ago (five years ago!) may have been annoying or even hurtful to you. you were away, you missed your family, and you felt like your wife was annoyed at you for calling, as if the tv/crochet is more importnat than you.

that wasn't the case. but I can just picture this - she just got the house settled down, she is enjoying a little down time, she got her cushions and everything just so, and... phone rings. it doesn't mean she is annoyed *at you*, it doesn't mean she didn't want to speak *to you*. it just means that *in that moment* she would have preferred not to have to move. I'm not sure what you hoped to gain by not calling her for the rest of the week.

and now you are here five years later. you *really* have to let this one go. call her or not - whatever you want - but don't base what you will do on what she did/didn't do five years ago. and if it is still bothering you - then talk to her about it, beforehand.

[zyrs]

I can see why this still bothers you a bit - I hang on to things when they aren't really resolved unless I make myself let them go, which can be difficult for me to do.  But yes, it would be rude to not call and to sound irritated if she called if the only reason you were doing so was in retaliation for what happened on your last business trip.

Best case scenario would be for the two of you to discuss the level of communication you two would like before she leaves and come to an agreement. 

 

[weeblewobble]

You've been holding on to this for five years. It's time to let it go.  Was your wife rude?  You betcha.  But -being home alone with your boys - you probably caught her in the only quiet, relaxed moment she had all day.  Instead of responding petulantly ("Oh, yeah, well I won't call home ALL WEEK, so THERE.") you could have offered her a little understanding and called the next day to see if she was feeling less harried.  And in that call, you could have mentioned that your feelings were hurt by her harsh response to what was a loving gesture on your part.   

Frankly, snappy, I respect you as a poster.  You give great advice and I enjoy your posts.  I can't help but be disappointed that you're considering exacting revenge for a slight that took place years ago.  Surely, your wife has redeemed herself in some small way in the years since.

[bloo]

I don't think it's rude to be annoyed.

I think it's rude to act annoyed.

I found myself being rude to my DH because for the first few years of having cellphones he called me all.the.time!

I don't like spending time on the phone and there's no need to be on the phone 5-10x a day about trivial things. Acting annoyed was the only way I could get him to tame the calls down since he wouldn't listen to me that he was calling me too much. On occasion I'd literally have to hang up on him if he wouldn't listen that I was in some type of interaction with someone else (like a cashier at a checkout).

He was frustrated because he just wanted to reconnect with me during the day. Now he calls about 1x/day when we're not together and that's cool. I'm usually interrupted from something because I've never just sat and stared at a wall (that I can recall). With my hatred of being on the phone I have to act like I find talking on the phone pleasant. After a few minutes, it's not an act and I'm glad we're talking.

It's been five years and if your wife is loving to you in other ways*, I'd let it go. I'd go with your instinct of modeling the behavior you'd like to be treated with.

*Maybe you and your wife were at a low point in your marriage (not feeling very close or tuned in to each other)? I dislike talking on the phone and I always feel dread when it rings, but I have to admit there were years that I was feeling hostility towards him for reasons I won't get into and so I wasn't that nice to him. No excuse for that.   

[AmethystAnne]

Does your DW have a cell phone with texting?

I travel about 850 miles to visit my parents in N.J. about 3 times a year. DH prefers to stay home in Kentucky. This last trip, we texted a lot! We may have had 2-3 verbal conversations during the week I was gone.

Other posters have mentioned that holding onto the resentment for 5 years is not good. It hurts your relationship with your DW, and makes you feel terrible. What would it take for you to be able to let it go?

[JoyinVirginia]

I agree with Lindsee, discuss this with your wife before the trip. I DO think you should bring up the prior hurry feelings. It will make you feel better and let her know something important that really hurt your feelings. Then you can let it go.
When ever dh or I travel, it is up to the traveler to call home at a time convenient for them, we have decider. And we expect a call once a day. And if he calls at a bad time, I ask if I can call him back a little later.
Personal anecdote, I got my feelings hurt about a photo I had done special, and dh hated. I put the photo away and held on to the hurt for several years. Until one day cleaning up, found photo, and told him exactly how I had felt. Then threw it out, because by that time I agreed it was not that great.

[MrsJWine]

My husband doesn't always catch me at my best when he calls home from a business trip. I have been pretty unpleasant on the phone with him before, especially after a hectic day with kids who miss their dad. It usually has nothing at all to do with him. If it bugs him, he talks to me about it, and I apologize because I'm often so frazzled that I don't even realize I'm taking it out on him. Do you have an otherwise good relationship? It seems a bit strange to hold onto this for 5 years.

[WillyNilly]

Wow. Seriously you have college age kids and are that confident you have never in all those years ever once come across to your wife in an unintended way?  I'm impressed. You must be super human.

Because the rest of us mere mortals have our moments. Your wife had one 5 years ago. She didn't yell or carry on or anything, she just was distracted and a bit put off by an interruption. What a terrible crime that must seem to a super human. To the rest of us, its a forgettable lapse.

As for doing it back to her, it would be wrong due to intent. Because you wouldn't be doing the same thing to her at all, not by a long shot, if you are planning it. You would be exacting revenge in the form of emotional cruelty. If however she were to call and you were busy counting and you genuinely were a slight bit annoyed by the interruption and inadvertently had an annoyed tone it would be fine, it would be human and normal and forgettable. But to plan it out with the sole purpose of hurting her feelings because she accidentally hurt yours years ago - that's so not ok.

[jaxsue]

My husband doesn't always catch me at my best when he calls home from a business trip. I have been pretty unpleasant on the phone with him before, especially after a hectic day with kids who miss their dad. It usually has nothing at all to do with him. If it bugs him, he talks to me about it, and I apologize because I'm often so frazzled that I don't even realize I'm taking it out on him. Do you have an otherwise good relationship? It seems a bit strange to hold onto this for 5 years.

ITA. Unless this is a pattern, I wouldn't waste any more energy thinking about it.

[Minmom3]

Snappy, TALK to your wife well before she leaves.  Hash out the best time of day for both of you for her to call and check in, and for you to call her.  Make sure you both agree, and that there are no assumptions to trip you up later.   I think part of the problem you had 5 years ago might have been that she wasn't expecting the call then?  That the time of day was the problem, not the call itself? 

It's like when people agree to meet up 'out front of the bank'.  Buuuut the bank has 2 side you can enter from, and one of you is on one side, and the other is on the other side, and one of you has a dead phone so you can't track each other down, and you both get mad.  Better prior communication is the key.

She can't call during certain times because a phone call is rude then.  You don't want a phone call 3 second after you walk in the door, you need to let the dog out and use the bathroom first.  So, for you, receiving a call at time X works well.  Talk it all out - and make sure she knows that you WANT phone calls every day (or not), but not at time X. And because she's the one with the events going on, she should call you when it's convenient for her, because you're at home and your schedule is not the one changing up.  Make sure you each know what the other one wants.....  Or will be hurt by.

[Aeris]

Wow. Seriously you have college age kids and are that confident you have never in all those years ever once come across to your wife in an unintended way?  I'm impressed. You must be super human.

Because the rest of us mere mortals have our moments. Your wife had one 5 years ago. She didn't yell or carry on or anything, she just was distracted and a bit put off by an interruption. What a terrible crime that must seem to a super human. To the rest of us, its a forgettable lapse.

As for doing it back to her, it would be wrong due to intent. Because you wouldn't be doing the same thing to her at all, not by a long shot, if you are planning it. You would be exacting revenge in the form of emotional cruelty. If however she were to call and you were busy counting and you genuinely were a slight bit annoyed by the interruption and inadvertently had an annoyed tone it would be fine, it would be human and normal and forgettable. But to plan it out with the sole purpose of hurting her feelings because she accidentally hurt yours years ago - that's so not ok.

I agree with everything in this post.

Holding onto the grudge for FIVE YEARS is not healthy for either you or your wife. Planning out how to intentionally get your revenge for it is petty, childish, and disturbing.

Has your wife ever forgiven you for minor errors? Perhaps something you said that hurt her feelings that you didn't intend to sound that way? How much worse would life be if spouses never forgave one another for minor issues, and simply held all mistakes made in deck for their best chance to 'even the score'.

That's not a marriage. It's a depressing and terrible game of chess.

[citadelle]

In my nine years of marriage, there have been some huge disappointments and trials that tested our marriage to the very core. There have also been countless, literally countless, minor slights and hurts that have occurred on both sides. We discuss both  of these kinds of problems and try our best to move past them. If my husband attempted to retaliate for a five year old slight, I would be both unimpressed and incredulous. I would tell him to get over it. Rude wouldn't even enter the equation.

[veronaz]

POD to citadelle.

You’re still bruised about the (minor) incident that happened over 5 years ago?  In your post you said the two of you talked about it at the time.

So now its “my wife hurt my feelings 5 years ago.  Should I get back at her and give her some of her own medicine?”

I would think that after X years of marriage the two of you could have worked this out.  Frankly, I don’t see this as an etiquette issue.

[thedudeabides]

I'm with veronaz -- this isn't about etiquette, this is a relationship issue.