Author Topic: Where does the responsibility lie?  (Read 7763 times)

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Redsoil

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Where does the responsibility lie?
« on: May 19, 2013, 09:44:42 AM »
Tonight, I cooked glazed lamb riblets for tea.  I personally think they taste great, and they're easy to do.  This is a dish I've cooked probably once a month for about 3 years.

Tonight, DH ate the veggies and one riblet, then looked over at me and asked if I wanted the rest of his meal.  I was very surprised, and asked why he didn't want the other riblets.  Apparently he dislikes them intensely - "always has".

So, I thought it quite reasonable to say he needed to let me know if I cooked someting he disliked, so that I didn't cook it for him again.  (I generally cook a couple of times a week, as I don't get home from work until late, so he often gets his own tea.)

His rejoinder?  "Why should I have to do that?  You should check with me!"   :o

You can imagine my thoughts after this response!

Does anyone here actually ask those they cook for how the meal was/did they like it after each and every meal?  He really is being an idiot here, isn't he?  He genuinely thought he shouldn't HAVE to tell me he disliked something - my mind is completely boggled at tis point. 

I don't understand at all why he wouldn't just say something in three whole years of eating these things! 

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Library Dragon

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2013, 09:52:24 AM »
No, he's an adult and not a guest.  It was his respobility to tell you he doesn't like them.  On the other hand you can them for me anytime.

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Thipu1

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2013, 10:02:43 AM »
It's his responsibility. 

In the early days of our marriage, there were certain dishes I used to make fairly often until Mr. Thipu told me he really didn't like them all that much.  He was very nice about it and I didn't mind removing those recipes from the menu.

There's no shame in not liking something and no reason to suffer needlessly.

MummySweet

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2013, 10:03:35 AM »
I think he had the responsibility to let you know that he didn't care for glazed riblets... about three years ago, after you made them a second time.     


Shea

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2013, 10:11:42 AM »
When BF and I were first dating, the first few times I cooked dinner for us I simply made double what I was used to cooking for myself. For the first couple times, BF ate everything on his plate and said nothing. Then, the next time I offered to make dinner, he gently told me that while my cooking was great, he really needed to eat more. This should have been obvious to me, I'm rather small and don't have a big appetite, but for some reason it just didn't occur to me that he'd need about twice the food I do per meal. I felt a bit silly, but it didn't hurt my feelings, I just started cooking more, and now everyone's happy.

Your DH should have told you that he didn't like the riblets (which sound delicious, btw!) after maybe the second or third time you made them. If he ate them without complaint every time for the past 3 years, you had no reason to think he didn't like them. This one is completely on him.


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Luci

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2013, 10:49:09 AM »
I suppose I get the signals by body language, so I know what Lucas doesn't care for. I also notice when dining out what he orders.

When I cook something new, I do ask how he liked it, and he will honestly tell me to throw away the recipe, cook it a couple of times a year, or keep the recipe! (He is very sweet about it, thanking me for trying and he appreciates the effort. He only grills, so I do most of the planning and cooking.)

Often, I ask him what he wants for supper, and he tells me, and I kind of file that away in the back of my brain what he requests most frequently.

I must assume that Mr. Soil and others are trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, and if in general things are good, why complain? (Although I agree that if something occurs over 10% of the time, there should have been more signals!)

In answer to the question: there is no "responsibility". It is just the way a couple works communications out differently from every other couples' methods.

delabela

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2013, 11:16:43 AM »
Wow - I can't imagine not saying something for 3 years! 

I think it's on him.  My SO would be hesitant to say something, because he is always grateful for the effort I put in to making meals, but there's no way he'd eat something he doesn't like for 3 years.  There are nice ways to say it - "thank you so much for making this, but I am just not a huge fan of lamb" for instance.

Has he ever said anything about the meal?  Usually we talk about our food - "this is really good", "do you think there's too much salt", etc.  I'm just very surprised that it hasn't come up before. 

Amava

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2013, 11:45:33 AM »
Does anyone here actually ask those they cook for how the meal was/did they like it after each and every meal?  He really is being an idiot here, isn't he? 
Yes, yes he is, haha! I wouldn't have worded it that way as a bystander about someone else's husband, but since you said it yourself about your own, I'm not going to deny I thought it too.  ;D

I generally ask what my husband wants to eat /before/ I cook it. Or I say "I had thought of making xyz, that okay with you?" But I don't feel you have to do that. He should totally have spoken up earlier! I would be rather annoyed if someone waited so long to tell me they disliked a dish I thought they liked. All my effort down the drain! (I would still prepare the dish for myself if I really liked it, though. Just something else for him.)


WillyNilly

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2013, 11:49:45 AM »
I think its 70/30 on him to you. Yes he should have said something earlier but its not like it would have hurt you to ask either. Communication is a two way street.

I think it bears mentioning, you seem to be having a very strong reaction now that he did say something, considering him "an idiot" and all, when it seems like he might have told you late, but he still said it nicely... so really make sure you are receptive to hearing he doesn't like things if you expect him to take the initiative to say something.

Also consider there are levels of like. He might not love the riblets, but he'd be ok with them 1-2 a year. The problem might, as much as anything be, that they are being served 12x a year. If they had been a once in a while thing they might have stayed in his mind as an "ehhh, whatever, they're edible and my wife seems to like them, and it was nice for her to cook for me" dish, but because they are a regular rotation thing they've become unpalatable.

weeblewobble

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2013, 12:00:51 PM »
That seems pretty emotionally lazy.  He's unhappy, and doesn't give any outward sign of being unhappy. He just wants you to guess how he feels about a certain dish, or ask him so he doesn't have to tell you. He bears no responsibility for improving the situation, or preparing dinner, it seems, it's all on you.  That's very unfair.

Jaelle

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2013, 12:29:23 PM »
Actually, I'm all with the "idiot" comment ... since the OP made it first. :)

If he's been eating his portion without comment for THREE YEARS, why on earth would the OP have any idea he didn't like them? I think it might be different if he'd been pushing them around or not finishing them during that time, but I don't see any indication of that. Could you clarify, OP?

Also, if she's taking on the responsibility of cooking for him (after getting home from work!), the least he can do is offer feedback without her constantly asking for it. It seems sort of ... insulting ... to me, otherwise.

I just asked DH about this. He snorted and said (I quote), "Seriously? Tell him to get takeout if he expects her to be a mind-reader."
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Margo

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2013, 12:48:05 PM »
I agree. If he didn't say anything, how on earth did he expect you to know?

Particularly as he's waited three years, I think in your position, even if I'd picked up that he wasn't happy about something, I wouldn't necessarily connect it to a meal he'd been (apparently) eating happily for years.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask each other's opinions if you cook something new, but if for whatever reason you didn't have that conversation when you first cooked the ribs it would have been sensible for him to mention it sooner rather than later.

Is he a poor communicator generally? (and does he ever cook for you both?)


ClaireC79

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2013, 12:51:57 PM »
If I make something new I do always ask if they liked it or not

m2kbug

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2013, 02:07:14 PM »
He cleaned his plate for three years?  Yeah, this one is all on him.  He should have said something by the second or third time.  Maybe it's something that he likes well enough, just not so frequently.  You might not be in this situation if you only made this dish (which sounds yummy) every six months or so.  Who knows. 

I do ask if people liked it when I try something new.  It really comes down to frequency in some instances, but for me there's a convenience factor.  You want to eat?  This is what we're having.  Cheap and easy.  Of course I want to please my family and if the dish is that thoroughly thumbs down, it won't hit the menu again.  Sometimes it's a matter of botching the recipe, so I'll try again later. 

Your husband should have said something a long time ago.  Three years?? 

snowdragon

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #14 on: May 19, 2013, 02:57:00 PM »
He needs to tell you.

But now that you know, you need to decide if you are going to forgo having them ever again - or if you are going to be willing to make him something else when you want them - or what?

I think if you were not making them so often, ( say if you were making them two or three times a year, rather than once a month) he'd need to deal as I am sure you make him things you don't like so much at least that often.


But I think his idea that you have to ask him is nuts, he's an adult he can open his mouth and say something politely.