Author Topic: Where does the responsibility lie?  (Read 7355 times)

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nayberry

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #15 on: May 19, 2013, 03:11:11 PM »
i just asked hubby, his reply "he didn't say anything for 3 years?? idiot*!"   also he'd like me to ask for the lamb riblet recipe please :D

if i ever make sthg and he doesn't like it he tells me, and if it's a favourite of mine i make him a different dish if i want it, even if it means i eat it two mights running. for example, i love cauliflower cheese <3  he cannot stand it,  so i either make it and have it for a couple of meals or i don't make it if i can't get a small enough cauli.  but then again he will devour thai curries and i detest them :)



* idiot is the polite sanitised word ;)

Amava

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #16 on: May 19, 2013, 03:13:53 PM »
And yes, if you love the dish, keep eating it, though! It's really not that hard to make him something different when you are having the lamb (and best of all: you can have leftover lamb for several more meals for yourself, if you keep making as much! :D ); it doesn't have to be complicated, just throw a steak or a chicken breast on a pan and boom, done. You can still eat the same sides with each of your different preferred meat. I do it all the time, my husband and I have a rather extreme "EAT-relationship" ("Eating Apart Together!) since he's a vegetarian and I'm a meat lover!  :D (So in my case it's more like "throw him a seitan steak on a pan and boom, done.")

lisat

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2013, 06:16:50 PM »
I have been married for 34 years. I love lasagna and have worked on my recipe for over many many years perfecting it. My hubby would take two helping everytime. Last year he told me that he didn't really like lasagna but loved my spaghetti and preferred it. To say that I was pissed would not really convey my feelings. He said that he didn't really want to hurt my feelings.  Needless to say that I do not make lasagna anymore unless he is down the road and the kids are coming over for it. I am always experimenting with recipe's some turn out great and some the dog won't eat. He always has an opinion. Just can't figure out why he waited so long.

Twik

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2013, 06:25:02 PM »
I agree - lamb riblet recipe would be nice! Then we can, Eric, give an informed decision.  ;)
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miranova

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2013, 07:23:53 PM »
I think 3 years is quite a long time to say nothing.  And it's not like you had other clues if he cleaned his plate every time.  The thing that gets me is that he expected you to know.  That makes no sense.

We do taco night twice a month because the kids love it and twice a month it is nice to make a meal where I don't have to hear any whining from kids.  (when you have 5 kids, it is rare to have one meal they all like).  Dh is sick of tacos.  He has voiced this opinion and I get it.  I still serve the kids tacos twice a month but am not even remotely offended if Dh wants to eat something else that night.  People have preferences and that's fine, but they just need to voice them.

snowdragon

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #20 on: May 19, 2013, 10:54:41 PM »
The other option is for him to make himself something if he does not like what you prepared.

Redsoil

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #21 on: May 19, 2013, 11:13:12 PM »
Thanks you ladies, gents, and assorted spouses of posters!  It's definitely useful to get differing responses and perspectives. 

To clarify a few issues:

Much as I'd love to post the recipe, it comes courtesy of the local supermarket!  The ribs are pre-glazed by the butcher there, so all I have to do is throw them in the oven and take them out before the smoke alarm goes off.  ;)  They do taste great, though, and as there will be extra from now on (I have 4 bags of them in the freezer), I'll have some for those of you who think you'd like them!  How's that?

WillyNilly - we're Aussies.  Calling someone you've been married to for over 2 decades "an idiot" when a situation arises is par for the course.  Especially when he IS being an idiot! (Actually I called him a "bloody idiot".  Again - the Aussie vernacular expects such things and is shaped by our weird perspective on relationships.)  We normally communicate just fine, and probably better than most, but he does do weird things like this from time-to-time.

He does sometimes cook for both of us, but rarely.  Generally it's each man for himself, except the couple of nights each week I am home.  During the week, if I were to cook, we'd be eating at 9.30pm and he'd be starving by then!  (I just grab something on the way home, or graze once I get home.)

He LOVES lamb in almost all its forms.  Except, apparently, riblets.  Plus, he actually goes shopping with me and watches me choose the meat for the next few weeks.  So he watched me buy these things for three years as well as eating them when they were served.

Lisat - Oh My Lordy!  You're freaking me out, here!  I know how much work goes into good lasagne...  You win!

Happy to answer any other questions.  I think I've covered the points needed at this stage?  If not, just say and I'll go again.
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Redsoil

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #22 on: May 19, 2013, 11:14:26 PM »
Forgot one... yes he DID clean his plate each time prior to this last time, so no indication that he didn't like the meal at all.
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TeamBhakta

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #23 on: May 19, 2013, 11:30:07 PM »
Your DH would get along my best friend. He just recently sprung on me "I don't really like sweets, except ice cream. I especially love ice cream cake!" Prior to that, he used to polish off cake or cookies like it was his last meal.  ???

delabela

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #24 on: May 19, 2013, 11:41:30 PM »
With the updates, I gotta say - I would have looked at him like he had 2 heads when he said he didn't like the riblets! Funny how eating all the food on your plate gives the impression you actually like the meal.

m2kbug

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #25 on: May 20, 2013, 01:22:06 AM »
All I can say is...MEN...<puffy sigh>, roll eyes, shake head.  ::)  Okay boys, do the same for us wimmin.   ;D 

Iris

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #26 on: May 20, 2013, 04:01:25 AM »
He may be like my DD1, who has very little food/body awareness. Where you or I might think "Hmmm, I used to love this but I've had it SO MUCH I'm a bit over it. I think I'll take a break for a while", she would think "Bleaugh. I don't like this. I've never liked it. It's horrible! Mum is SO MEAN for making me eat this all these years." Even though it started out being her most favourite thing in all the world.

Like the time she announced she HATED mushrooms and DH and I looked at her like she had grown two heads and said "So all those times you went to the fridge, voluntarily took out a whole mushroom and ate it raw right in front of us were just figments of our imagination?" The weird thing was that she really couldn't explain it. She doesn't like them Right Now so that must mean (in her mind) that she has Never Ever liked them.

Mind you, she's no longer a small child with food whims. This is a well established trait into early adulthood. Perhaps your DH is similar.

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Pen^2

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #27 on: May 20, 2013, 06:50:46 AM »
Did you, at no point over the last three years, say anything along the lines of, "did you enjoy dinner, DH?" or "was that good?"

If not, well, that's kind of odd. If you did and DH said he enjoyed it, then that's your responsibility done. That's all you have an obligation to do: to ask at one point over the many times you have made riblets if they tasted alright. It is then up to him to tell you "actually I lied when I said they were good, or have changed my mind, and I would rather eat something else". But by the sounds of it, he's cleared his plate many times over the last few years, thereby giving you every indication that he enjoyed it.

The cook's responsibility: ask once if things are good, and leave it at that if told they're fine.
The eater's responsibility: communicate that the meal isn't enjoyed, especially if it is something that will be cooked many, many times in the future. Ideally, say something before cooking begins: "I know you were going to buy some riblets form the supermarket tonight, but I really feel like X instead. Riblets just don't do it for me."

Not saying something for 3 years is kind of mental, if you'll excuse me saying so. Once or twice is fine, polite even. But waiting years to tell you? That's lying (by omission or directly if he was asked) and unkind. It can make one wonder what other things he dislikes but has lying about for all these years. Potential paranoia fuel.

Redsoil

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #28 on: May 20, 2013, 10:10:57 AM »
I imagine I would have asked if they were okay the first time I cooked them (as I normally do if I'm cooking something new).  Had there been any indicaton he didn't like them, I wouldn't have cooked them again.  However, I don't ask at any other time if the meal was good - it's never been something I thought to do.  Almost seems like fishing for compliments, in a way (my opinion only, in my own situation).  I'm not a "cook" by any stretch of the imagination. Basic food, hopefully cooked to reasonable standard, but that's it.

He does have a habit of thinking I should ask him about stuff, rather than him telling me.  I've always said "How am I supposed to know to ask you things you should be telling me yourself?" but he seems to think that worldview is quite reasonable.    Yes, he is a bit peculiar sometimes, but I think I'll keep him just the same.  :)  (Not being without my own quirks...)  ;)

Thank you everyone, for the input.  Much appreciated!
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TootsNYC

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #29 on: May 20, 2013, 11:17:09 AM »
I think the responsibility goes both ways.

I think when someone in a family, cooks a new meal, they should say, "How was that? Should I make it again?" And they should get an honest answer.

And now and then the cook should say, "How about lamb riblets?" And they should get an honest answer.

But the responsibility lies on the other person a well.

But I think you sounded scoldy when you said, "you should tell me," and so of course he got defensive and said, "You should ask."



Quote
Last year he told me that he didn't really like lasagna but loved my spaghetti and preferred it. To say that I was pissed would not really convey my feelings. He said that he didn't really want to hurt my feelings.

I don't understand being pissed!!

I really don't. I keep trying to put myself in this situation, and I just can't be mad.

Embarrassed, chagrined, mildly annoyed (but not in a way I'd be willing to admit), greatly disappointed. And touched, about him not wanting to hurt my feelings.
And maybe unsettled that he was so unconfident about the idea of whether he'd hurt my feelings simply because he didn't much like lasagna.