Author Topic: Where does the responsibility lie?  (Read 7788 times)

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wolfie

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2013, 11:22:30 AM »
I imagine I would have asked if they were okay the first time I cooked them (as I normally do if I'm cooking something new).  Had there been any indicaton he didn't like them, I wouldn't have cooked them again.  However, I don't ask at any other time if the meal was good - it's never been something I thought to do.  Almost seems like fishing for compliments, in a way (my opinion only, in my own situation).  I'm not a "cook" by any stretch of the imagination. Basic food, hopefully cooked to reasonable standard, but that's it.

He does have a habit of thinking I should ask him about stuff, rather than him telling me.  I've always said "How am I supposed to know to ask you things you should be telling me yourself?" but he seems to think that worldview is quite reasonable.    Yes, he is a bit peculiar sometimes, but I think I'll keep him just the same.  :)  (Not being without my own quirks...)  ;)

Thank you everyone, for the input.  Much appreciated!

Does he ask you thinks like the stuff he feels you should ask him about? If not then you should ask him why you are always the one who needs to initiate these conversation. I bet he never thought about it before and it might make him think things over.

TootsNYC

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #31 on: May 20, 2013, 11:29:11 AM »
Or, you could just say, "Honey, please just tell me if there's stuff you don't like. I feel silly getting all smug about making lamb riblets when it turns out you don't really like them."

Make it "safe" for him to tell you, so he can just communicate.

It doesn't matter who's right.

mich3554

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #32 on: May 20, 2013, 12:19:15 PM »
Guilty....

My b/f makes a childhood dish occasionally that I abhor.  It's rice, cooked in milk with tomatoes.  I like milk, I like rice, I like tomatoes but I do NOT like this dish.  But it is a favorite his and he only makes it a couple times each year so each time it pops up, I take a little (it helps that it is a side dish) and eat it because he likes it.

I guess that the fact that he likes it and wants it occasionally makes me think that it's not worth hurting his feelings to tell him that I really don't like it.

ettiquit

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #33 on: May 20, 2013, 12:34:59 PM »
I think that so long as the OP asked her DH what he thought the first time she made it, she's in the clear.  I can't imagine why I would ask my family their thoughts on a dish I've made several times.

My DH is very polite and gentle when he tells me he doesn't like something.  And if there's something he only kind of dislikes, but my DS and I really like, I'll make it again.

ettiquit

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #34 on: May 20, 2013, 12:41:32 PM »
My DH just gave me his opinion, which made me laugh:

Quote
Well, I have mixed feelings on it.

Ok, so if he really doesn't like it, he should say something. On the other hand, if you aren't cooking, you eat what you are given and shut up about it.

I think this explains why he feels so bad when he has to tell me he doesn't like something!

TootsNYC

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #35 on: May 20, 2013, 01:00:50 PM »
Guilty....

My b/f makes a childhood dish occasionally that I abhor.  It's rice, cooked in milk with tomatoes.  I like milk, I like rice, I like tomatoes but I do NOT like this dish.  But it is a favorite his and he only makes it a couple times each year so each time it pops up, I take a little (it helps that it is a side dish) and eat it because he likes it.

I guess that the fact that he likes it and wants it occasionally makes me think that it's not worth hurting his feelings to tell him that I really don't like it.

My DH is the main cook. There are dishes that I've told him, "Don't put this in the repertoire." or "You can skip that one in the future," or "this doesn't work" or "I don't really like it--you can make it for you guys, though, and I'll eat something else."

If it were a dish that I knew *HE* were really fond of, I might not say anything because he hyper-reacts, and he wouldn't make it for himself EVER. And if it came out that I were keeping this info back, that's how I'd explain it to him--with the full explanation that I knew he'd decide never to make it at all. And again, I can't imagine us being all that miffed.

MariaE

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #36 on: May 20, 2013, 01:30:37 PM »
My DH just gave me his opinion, which made me laugh:

Quote
Well, I have mixed feelings on it.

Ok, so if he really doesn't like it, he should say something. On the other hand, if you aren't cooking, you eat what you are given and shut up about it.

I think this explains why he feels so bad when he has to tell me he doesn't like something!

Heh - that's my husband's reaction exactly. His thoughts are "Maria does the cooking - Maria does the choosing. If I want to choose, I can cook for myself." If I make a new dish, I'll ask him what he thinks of it (but not when I repeat a dish - like the OP wrote, that just seems weird). If his answer is, "I don't really like that" I won't add it to the repertoire. If his answer is, "Well, not my favourite, but I can eat it", then it depends on how fond of it I am myself. Personal favourites I'll make again even if he's not too keen on them (but limit them to rare occasions... my birthday for example), otherwise I'll just save them for days I'm eating alone.
 
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lurkerwisp

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #37 on: May 20, 2013, 01:47:47 PM »
I usually ask DH how my cooking turned out every time we eat together, even if it was just something I pulled out of the freezer.  He's too nice to hurt my feelings by saying something without my asking him, and I'm too insecure in my ability to not burn things that I really have to know each time if it was an acceptable try.  If I didn't ask he'd just eat without ever giving an opinion to save me from feeling hurt.

So I guess I do kind of side with him in that it's really weird that you apparently in three years of cooking the same thing very frequently have never actually sought his opinion of it or considered that he might be growing bored of it.  If he's been trying very hard to be nice and not insult your cooking or make you feel bad by putting down a thing you like, then he's kind of a saint for staying silent so long out of respect for your feelings.  Your reacting with anger to his telling you it wasn't something he liked just confirms that this does hurt you and he shouldn't do it.

MariaE

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #38 on: May 20, 2013, 01:56:43 PM »
I usually ask DH how my cooking turned out every time we eat together, even if it was just something I pulled out of the freezer.  He's too nice to hurt my feelings by saying something without my asking him, and I'm too insecure in my ability to not burn things that I really have to know each time if it was an acceptable try.  If I didn't ask he'd just eat without ever giving an opinion to save me from feeling hurt.

So I guess I do kind of side with him in that it's really weird that you apparently in three years of cooking the same thing very frequently have never actually sought his opinion of it or considered that he might be growing bored of it.  If he's been trying very hard to be nice and not insult your cooking or make you feel bad by putting down a thing you like, then he's kind of a saint for staying silent so long out of respect for your feelings.  Your reacting with anger to his telling you it wasn't something he liked just confirms that this does hurt you and he shouldn't do it.

I can't remember if the OP said, but assuming she isn't making this once every or every second week, I wouldn't personally stop to think that my DH had grown tired of something unless he specifically said something. And since she said she asked him what he thought the first time she made it, and he didn't say anything there, I think she's in the clear.

As for getting angry, it sounded to me that it was more because he was expecting her to be a mind reader, rather than that he didn't like the meal.
 
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texgalatheart

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #39 on: May 20, 2013, 02:28:07 PM »
My father will eat anything you place on his plate with a very few exceptions. When he was younger he might even have a second helping. Then casually he might say to my mom " we don't have to have that again anytime soon."  The last time i was visiting, my mom and I made fish with several side. Gave my Dad his plate of food and he ate everything without a word. Later Mom and I were talking about how much we liked the fish and he say " i didn't like it".  Mom says "you didn't have to eat all of it if you didn't like it" He just   ???.  I think part of it must carry over from his childhood growing up during the depression and WWII.

TootsNYC

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #40 on: May 20, 2013, 03:09:41 PM »
I don't think you have to have a World War II / Depression mentality to think that you eat the foods in front of you even if you don't much like them, simply because THAT is dinner.

I have a feeling we could do, in our culture today, with a bit more of that "set my own whims aside for a bit" attitude.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #41 on: May 20, 2013, 03:33:11 PM »
I agree with PP who've said waiting three years to say anything is a bit strange.  The OP is not a mind reader.  When she made the riblets the first time and he didn't say that he disliked them how was she supposed to know?

DH and DS love venison.  I can't eat it (or won't depending on whom you ask).  When they want venison, I have a hot dog.  I would not sit and eat something I disliked and expect my spouse to just know I didn't like it.

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #42 on: May 20, 2013, 03:53:43 PM »
One evening, 3 years into our marriage, my (now late x) husband and I are eating dinner.  I had made peas, like I would about 4 times a month.  He looks at me and says "You know, I really don't like peas and wish you wouldn't make them anymore."  :o :o :o  I asked if this was new and he said no, he always hated them  :o :o :o  I guess I was supposed to read his mind that something he always ate was something he hated since childhood.  If your DH doesn't like something he needs to speak up instead of being snarky about it.

TootsNYC

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #43 on: May 20, 2013, 04:48:58 PM »
One evening, 3 years into our marriage, my (now late x) husband and I are eating dinner.  I had made peas, like I would about 4 times a month.  He looks at me and says "You know, I really don't like peas and wish you wouldn't make them anymore."  :o :o :o  I asked if this was new and he said no, he always hated them  :o :o :o  I guess I was supposed to read his mind that something he always ate was something he hated since childhood.  If your DH doesn't like something he needs to speak up instead of being snarky about it.

Why are you assigning this attitude to him?

That doesn't seem fair--for you to take this statement of his about PEAS and translate it into some sort of direct criticism of you.

Did he act as though you were somehow negligent for not reading his mind? (And he gets a little bit of leeway for a frustrated tone of voice bcs he doesn't like peas and maybe he's frustrated at having forgotten to say anything. It's not fair to take his distaste for peas, and any accompanying tone of voice, and turn it into a criticism of you.)

I think it's really easy to take this sort of thing and translate it into a criticism of YOU, but it's completely not appropriate or fair. He didn't tell you you should have stopped serving peas long, did he?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #44 on: May 20, 2013, 05:03:05 PM »
I'll admit to having done similar as your DH. I do most of the cooking. DH started making a stirfry dish he really enjoyed. It was OK, I could eat it, and I sure wasn't going to turn down a homemade meal that I didn't have to cook. But after a few years, I finally had to admit that I didn't really enjoy it that much. But I only did it after the kids started complaining about it.

So your DH could have looked at it as "She only cooks twice a week, she seems to like the dish, and I can tolerate it, so I'll tolerate it."  He probably didn't realize that he'd have to be tolerating it monthly.

I know there are things that I make that DH only tolerates, but he tolerates them because he knows I really enjoy it and I make sure to only make it a few times a year.