Author Topic: Where does the responsibility lie?  (Read 7866 times)

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Vall

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #45 on: May 20, 2013, 06:52:25 PM »
In my home, responsibility for communication is equally shared.  My DH does all of the grocery shopping and cooking.  He asks about my preferences and whether I like/dislike meals.  He knows from body language and facial expressions whether I like something or not.  I always thank him for meals but I don't say how great something tastes if I don't like it.  He notices things like that.  But I also don't have a problem telling him things like, "hmmm, ya really don't need to save that recipe" or "I think I liked deli A's chicken better than Deli B's recipe" or "I used to love beets but I just don't seem to have a taste for them anymore".  He knows me well enough that I normally don't have to say when I dislike something but I say so anyway in normal conversation.

Another way we express our likes/dislikes is deciding what to eat.  Sometimes he'll decide what to cook but more often he'll ask me what I want.  I always say, "What are my choices?"  In our home, that is a cue for him to choose three dishes and I get to choose from those.  This is also how we choose what movies to watch--one of us chooses three and the other gets the final choice.  Our choices reflect what we like and what we don't.  If liver is in his top three for a while and I don't choose it, I probably don't want it.  If he know that whenever he puts Orange Roughy into the choices that I'll choose it, he knows it's a favorite.

Through the years, our preferences in foods have changed a lot.  We don't necessarily take for granted that what we liked 10 years ago is still a favorite.  Things we didn't like in the past may be interesting to us now.  It's common for DH to ask about meals that he has prepared for years.  You never know when tastes will change.

As far as clearing a plate, when I'm hungry, I'll clear my plate regardless of whether I like the food or not.  If that's the meal that's served and I'm hungry, I'll eat it if it's physically possible.  DH wouldn't automatically think that I liked something just because I cleared my plate.  However, if I consistently left the same food on my plate or if I consistently thanked him for the meal but never said that it tasted good, he'd ask me if I liked it.

DH seldom gets his feelings hurt when I've said that I didn't like the taste of a meal that he's made.  Usually he likes the feedback and takes it very well so I am comfortable being open and honest with him.  If I thought that he would get angry/hurt if I was honest, I might keep it to myself.  I can understand how someone would rather tolerate a meal than to cause hurt to someone they love.  I don't have that issue but I can certainly understand it.

Softly Spoken

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #46 on: May 21, 2013, 10:11:50 AM »
Ah the issue of food compatibility.  ::)
I suppose it is really more about communication than compatibility, but I find it interesting to read anything about this topic since I am in the beginnings of a relationship with a self-described picky eater. I am fairly sure he would refuse something he didn't like instead of eating it to be polite...

I think this issue is about 15% communication and 85% "you're the boss of your own big-person underpants." If your lamb-hating hubby chooses to repeatedly eat something he doesn't like without voicing his feelings or asking you not to make it so often...then he is choosing to suffer in silence and has no one to blame but himself. Did he think he was martyring himself for the sake of relationship harmony? Was he waiting for your ESP to kick in? :P

Now I find it hard to believe that you both went so long without you either asking him about the lamb or him voicing an opinion on it. Either you assumed (understandable but still an assumption) that no news was good news on the lamb and continued to cook it since he didn't say not to, OR you did ask him or otherwise give the opportunity for feedback and he either wasn't clear enough in his dislike or he outright lied and said it was "Fine" or "Okay" or some other similar maddeningly useless response.

If I try a new recipe, or even if I'm just thinking about it, I am going to assume things in the positive unless I have information otherwise. I think most people operate that way. Unless they are dealing with a notoriously picky and/or negative person, silence = affirmation. I tell someone I'm making lamb, that is their cue to tell me what they think of lamb. Unless they say "I hate lamb don't bother" etc. guess what? Yup, lamb on the table.
...
By the way, can anyone point me to the study I apparently missed that says you develop psychic power when you enter into a relationship? It must be floating around somewhere, for so many people to be frustrated that their SO isn't reading their mind the way they are supposed to be. ;D
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TootsNYC

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #47 on: May 21, 2013, 10:39:44 AM »
But *was* the OP's husband all that disgruntled that she wasn't reading his mind?


Jones

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #48 on: May 21, 2013, 10:46:07 AM »
If I were to cook a dish several times, and have my husband clean his plate every time, I would feel awkward asking whether he liked it. Reason being, following a clean-plate dinner with "Did you like that?" feels as though the cook is seeking verbal compliments. "Of course I liked it, I ate it all, didn't I?" Would be the obvious (to me) answer, though "honey, you sure do know how to cook this the way I like it! You are a fantastic cook!" Would be an appropriate and sought after response.

wolfie

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #49 on: May 21, 2013, 10:49:56 AM »
If I were to cook a dish several times, and have my husband clean his plate every time, I would feel awkward asking whether he liked it. Reason being, following a clean-plate dinner with "Did you like that?" feels as though the cook is seeking verbal compliments. "Of course I liked it, I ate it all, didn't I?" Would be the obvious (to me) answer, though "honey, you sure do know how to cook this the way I like it! You are a fantastic cook!" Would be an appropriate and sought after response.

I can see what you are saying so maybe change the question to "is this worth making again?"

Yankee-Belle

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #50 on: May 21, 2013, 11:15:36 AM »
My husband has done this before. I will make something a couple times a month and then out of the blue will tell me he didn't like it. When I asked him why he didn't let me know? He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Now, when I try something new, I will ask him if I should make it again. It is then up to him to say yes or know. If it is a difficult recipe, I will tell him to let me know immediately if he doesn't like it.

MariaE

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #51 on: May 21, 2013, 12:07:11 PM »
Now I find it hard to believe that you both went so long without you either asking him about the lamb or him voicing an opinion on it. Either you assumed (understandable but still an assumption) that no news was good news on the lamb and continued to cook it since he didn't say not to, OR you did ask him or otherwise give the opportunity for feedback and he either wasn't clear enough in his dislike or he outright lied and said it was "Fine" or "Okay" or some other similar maddeningly useless response.

The OP stated in a follow-up post that as far as she remembers she asked him the first time she made it. If I'd asked my husband about a new recipe and gotten a favourable reply, I don't think it would even cross my mind to ask him again just in case he changed his mind.

So if the OP recalls correctly about asking him that first time, then I put this squarely on him. If she forgot and didn't then it's still mostly his fault, but I can agree to the 15/85 split :)
 
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mandycorn

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #52 on: May 22, 2013, 05:08:20 PM »
I think that the responsibility to bring up the topic rests on the person who has made the change, so if it's a new recipe or a substantial difference in an old recipe, the cook should ask for feedback. Conversely, if the diner has had a change of heart (change of tongue?), he or she is responsible for initiating the conversation.
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Miss Unleaded

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #53 on: May 23, 2013, 08:58:03 AM »
If I make something new I do always ask if they liked it or not

Yes, I do as well.  It seems like the natural thing to do, and I can't imagine not getting feedback on a meal.  My husband does the same when he cooks.

But regardless, if he didn't like them he should have said something before now if it bothered him.

TootsNYC

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #54 on: May 23, 2013, 09:37:11 AM »
but maybe it didn't really bother him before now. It's polite to eat what someone else has made.

And maybe he didn't realize exactly how often he would end up eating something he doesn't much like. So finally he said something.

I don't understand why there's any BLAME here. I don't understand why the OP is mad. I just don't get it.

Oh, now you know, because he told you, that he doesn't like that food. So starting from now, maybe don't make it.

Did he ASK you to apologize for all the years before, in which he cheerfully ate something he doesn't like? It would be rude of him to do so, of course. But did he?

(I'd give him a pass for a mildly frustrated tone, rationalizing that he was upset about having to say something he thought she wouldn't like to hear, and that he was frustrated at the *food*.)

I don't understand why we're talking about "responsibility" here. I don't understand why there is a focus on "who was negligent."

The guy doesn't like lamb riblets, and he said something. Why does it matter WHEN he said something? HE is the one who has had to eat them all these years, so he is naturally bearing the consequences of his lack of communication. Why is there any focus at all on "who was wrong"?
« Last Edit: May 23, 2013, 09:38:50 AM by TootsNYC »

Miss Unleaded

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #55 on: May 23, 2013, 10:00:27 AM »
but maybe it didn't really bother him before now. It's polite to eat what someone else has made.

The OP said he 'disliked them intensely, always has'.  So it seems like it bothered him.

As far as blame, and responsibility:

Quote
So, I thought it quite reasonable to say he needed to let me know if I cooked someting he disliked, so that I didn't cook it for him again.  (I generally cook a couple of times a week, as I don't get home from work until late, so he often gets his own tea.)

His rejoinder?  "Why should I have to do that?  You should check with me!"   :o

It sounds like the husband was the one who started blaming and assigning responsibility to his wife, and I have to say that this would not sit really well with me, either.

Redsoil

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #56 on: May 23, 2013, 10:02:47 AM »
I'm not quite sure why people think I was "mad".  As explained, we're Aussies, so perhaps there is a misunderstanding of how we interact. 

However, the inference that I WAS mad is actually making me feel frustrated and adds nothing to the discussion. 

Basically, I thought it was a bit silly that he didn't "use his words" to say he didn't like a particular food.  Baffled, if you will.  Not mad. 
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Redsoil

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Re: Where does the responsibility lie?
« Reply #57 on: May 23, 2013, 10:07:44 AM »
I do think, Toots, you have me slightly confused with another poster in this thread who DID say she was "pissed" about lasagne.  That was not me.  None of my posts indicate anything lke that.  You referenced her post in with mine some time back.  Just to clarify.
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