Author Topic: not counted as contact?  (Read 6321 times)

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miranova

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2013, 03:26:40 PM »
I'm surprised this has not been brought up but....what does your mother do for you on your birthday and/or Christmas?

My mother doesn't even call me on my birthday, let alone send a card or gift or visit me. 

So on Mother's Day I surely am not going out of my way for her.  I acknowledge the holiday with a small gift sent in the mail.  Usually some photo gift of her grandkids, with a Happy Mother's Day note attached.  I do not call her. 

Judge me if you want, but I hear from her maybe twice a year on the phone, and we are both adults.  If she is not going to put in effort, then she can't expect it in return.  Adult relationships, even those with family, need to be reciprocal.

Yes, but your mother isn't complaining to you--is she?

Your MIL is not acting appropriately if she is complaining in the situation you describe. But does she feel cheated by DH? Or does she just feel cheated by circumstances, and your DH is the one putting it all on his own shoulders?

I think it was eyeroll worthy for her to even bring up the fact that she felt cheated.  The effort was made, and she didn't check her messages for two full days, which is her own fault.  My dh didn't really deserve any criticism. 

My mother used to make little passive agressive comments about how it "would be nice" to receive this and that from her children, which I ignored, since she hasn't acknowledged my birthday since I was 17.  And the year I turned 16, it was almost forgotten entirely.  So, in her way she has complained in the past, but I guess she stopped when it didn't get her what she wanted.

*inviteseller

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #31 on: May 20, 2013, 04:00:43 PM »
I might be a bit put off with an e card myself but I guess it depends on your relationship with your mom. 

lowspark

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #32 on: May 20, 2013, 04:31:42 PM »
I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic.

I guess I understand this point of view but I don't agree with it. No, the day shouldn't be "all about" either of the mothers specifically. If possible, it should be all about all of them. Now, again, this is all assuming normal re-lationships, reasonable proximity, etc.

If/when my children have children, I'll be thrilled and proud to share the holiday with my grandchildrens' mothers. I would not appreciate being told, in so many words, your day has passed, it's NewMom's turn now. Mother's day is about all mothers, not just those of children of a certain age.

By your "in the trenches" reasoning, once the kids are over a certain age, their mother really shouldn't expect much, if anything, for Mother's Day since she's not caring for small children anymore. My mother was my mother till the day she died my love and appreciation of her, instead of diminishing since I didn't depend on her 100% anymore, actually grew as I got older.

Sorry to derail, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about.

snowdragon

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #33 on: May 20, 2013, 04:39:01 PM »
I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic.

I guess I understand this point of view but I don't agree with it. No, the day shouldn't be "all about" either of the mothers specifically. If possible, it should be all about all of them. Now, again, this is all assuming normal re-lationships, reasonable proximity, etc.

If/when my children have children, I'll be thrilled and proud to share the holiday with my grandchildrens' mothers. I would not appreciate being told, in so many words, your day has passed, it's NewMom's turn now. Mother's day is about all mothers, not just those of children of a certain age.

By your "in the trenches" reasoning, once the kids are over a certain age, their mother really shouldn't expect much, if anything, for Mother's Day since she's not caring for small children anymore. My mother was my mother till the day she died my love and appreciation of her, instead of diminishing since I didn't depend on her 100% anymore, actually grew as I got older.

Sorry to derail, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about.


I'll take it further. It should be about those who take on a "Mothering Role" rather than those who actively have small kids.  People like that Aunt who put her life on hold to raise the kid that the birth giver mom had no time for, Should be celebrated. The neighbor who took in the kids everytime their real mom was out of town/withunclewhoever/nameyoursituationhere or anyone in a chlid's life who gave that kid a nurturing,loving relationship when mom could not/would not - should be celebrated.
   Motherhood does not end at a certain age, nor does it exist on;y because of legal/biological ties.

that_one_girl

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #34 on: May 20, 2013, 04:41:55 PM »
All I did for Mothers Day was send my mother a one sentence e-mail, but we don't get along very well at all.  She is constantly telling me that she just isn't capable of "being the mother I need" ... every time I reach out to her, she pushes me away, so a short e-mail is the best I could do.

*inviteseller

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #35 on: May 20, 2013, 05:55:09 PM »
Just because a child reaches adulthood means you cease to be their parent.  I need my dad today, at 47, as much as I did at 7, just in a different way.   If you have a toxic relationship with a parent, then you should not lower yourself to false platitude on mother's/father's day, but I don't agree that the only parents that should be feted are parents of young children.

miranova

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #36 on: May 20, 2013, 06:20:29 PM »
Just as I kind of knew it would, my comment is being twisted and taken completely out of context .  Of COURSE, no one should actually say to their mother "your time is over".  I never suggested anything of the kind!  I don't think people are going to understand my position if they are intent on changing it into something I never said nor suggested, but I'll try one more time.

I have watched as mothers of young children spend their entire Mother's Day honoring the matriarch of the family, while not ONE PERSON tells them happy Mother's Day or realizes that the day should also be about them.  I've seen it happen to several friends.  Do you know how many new mothers don't receive a single acknowledgement during what is arguably the hardest year of their mothering life because the child is too young to shop for them and the husband says "but you're not MY mother"?  I have heard if from many friends and find it ridiculous. 

Of course people should honor their mothers no matter what their age or stage of live, I never said otherwise.  I just think that the mothers of the older generation should be gracious and cede the most time and effort toward the generation with young children still at home and that they should do this voluntarily.  It is what I plan to do with my children.  I never said ANYTHING about the 20/30/40 somethings ignoring their own mothers.  Never.

Cami

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #37 on: May 20, 2013, 06:27:10 PM »
I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic.

I guess I understand this point of view but I don't agree with it. No, the day shouldn't be "all about" either of the mothers specifically. If possible, it should be all about all of them. Now, again, this is all assuming normal re-lationships, reasonable proximity, etc.

If/when my children have children, I'll be thrilled and proud to share the holiday with my grandchildrens' mothers. I would not appreciate being told, in so many words, your day has passed, it's NewMom's turn now. Mother's day is about all mothers, not just those of children of a certain age.

By your "in the trenches" reasoning, once the kids are over a certain age, their mother really shouldn't expect much, if anything, for Mother's Day since she's not caring for small children anymore. My mother was my mother till the day she died my love and appreciation of her, instead of diminishing since I didn't depend on her 100% anymore, actually grew as I got older.

Sorry to derail, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about.
I feel pretty strongly about it too. Especially since I'm finding the work of being a mother to a young adult trying to find her way in life as exhausting as when she was a small child. As an example, my Mother's Day call consisted of me trying to help her solve a life problem for nearly two hours and involving much tears on her end.  My days of being a mother are far from done.

I really resent the idea that just because my dd isn't a little kid any more, I don't deserve any respect or acknowledgement of my parenting now, or for the two decades of my life prior to this.  Good parenting is a gift that keeps on giving forever, which is a truth I know mostly from its absence since I did not have a great mother. I worked harder than anything else in my life on being a good mother.  I'm not expecting bended knee and a trip to the moon, but it's not too much to expect a five minute phone call on Mother's Day to acknowledge that gift.

Or as Shakespeare said, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child".

miranova

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #38 on: May 20, 2013, 06:33:59 PM »
I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic.

I guess I understand this point of view but I don't agree with it. No, the day shouldn't be "all about" either of the mothers specifically. If possible, it should be all about all of them. Now, again, this is all assuming normal re-lationships, reasonable proximity, etc.

If/when my children have children, I'll be thrilled and proud to share the holiday with my grandchildrens' mothers. I would not appreciate being told, in so many words, your day has passed, it's NewMom's turn now. Mother's day is about all mothers, not just those of children of a certain age.

By your "in the trenches" reasoning, once the kids are over a certain age, their mother really shouldn't expect much, if anything, for Mother's Day since she's not caring for small children anymore. My mother was my mother till the day she died my love and appreciation of her, instead of diminishing since I didn't depend on her 100% anymore, actually grew as I got older.

Sorry to derail, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about.

I really resent the idea that just because my dd isn't a little kid any more, I don't deserve any respect or acknowledgement of my parenting now, or for the two decades of my life prior to this. 

I'm not sure where you are getting that idea, but it is NOT from me.  I didn't say anything of the kind.  Please stop twisting my words.  It's not even twisting at this point, it's completely changing it to something I don't even remotely believe.  I'd appreciate you reading what I said more carefully and not attributing the idea that you don't deserve any respect to me.  I don't believe that and never said it.  Thanks.

oogyda

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #39 on: May 20, 2013, 06:45:50 PM »
Miranova, I really do get what you're saying and so very much agree with it.  I posted much the same a couple of years ago, but can't find the post. 



 
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JoieGirl7

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #40 on: May 20, 2013, 06:46:47 PM »
I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic.

I guess I understand this point of view but I don't agree with it. No, the day shouldn't be "all about" either of the mothers specifically. If possible, it should be all about all of them. Now, again, this is all assuming normal re-lationships, reasonable proximity, etc.

If/when my children have children, I'll be thrilled and proud to share the holiday with my grandchildrens' mothers. I would not appreciate being told, in so many words, your day has passed, it's NewMom's turn now. Mother's day is about all mothers, not just those of children of a certain age.

By your "in the trenches" reasoning, once the kids are over a certain age, their mother really shouldn't expect much, if anything, for Mother's Day since she's not caring for small children anymore. My mother was my mother till the day she died my love and appreciation of her, instead of diminishing since I didn't depend on her 100% anymore, actually grew as I got older.

Sorry to derail, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about.

I really resent the idea that just because my dd isn't a little kid any more, I don't deserve any respect or acknowledgement of my parenting now, or for the two decades of my life prior to this. 

I'm not sure where you are getting that idea, but it is NOT from me.  I didn't say anything of the kind.  Please stop twisting my words.  It's not even twisting at this point, it's completely changing it to something I don't even remotely believe.  I'd appreciate you reading what I said more carefully and not attributing the idea that you don't deserve any respect to me.  I don't believe that and never said it.  Thanks.

You did...

"I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic."

You were totally endorsing the idea that Mother's Day should be about mothers who still have children at home and downplaying mothers in general.

If not, then what is it that you meant to say?
« Last Edit: May 20, 2013, 06:49:28 PM by Audrey Quest »

Library Dragon

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #41 on: May 20, 2013, 06:48:31 PM »
I'm going to completely different than most.  Unless my sons can find me a Star Trek Mother's Day card I would rather have an ecard created for me than one picked off the rack of the store. 99% of those cards are too generic to be meaningful.

I would consider it contact.

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Ms_Cellany

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #42 on: May 20, 2013, 06:51:38 PM »
I'm going to completely different than most.  Unless my sons can find me a Star Trek Mother's Day card I would rather have an ecard created for me than one picked off the rack of the store. 99% of those cards are too generic to be meaningful.

I would consider it contact.

But not First Contact?
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miranova

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #43 on: May 20, 2013, 06:54:05 PM »
I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic.

I guess I understand this point of view but I don't agree with it. No, the day shouldn't be "all about" either of the mothers specifically. If possible, it should be all about all of them. Now, again, this is all assuming normal re-lationships, reasonable proximity, etc.

If/when my children have children, I'll be thrilled and proud to share the holiday with my grandchildrens' mothers. I would not appreciate being told, in so many words, your day has passed, it's NewMom's turn now. Mother's day is about all mothers, not just those of children of a certain age.

By your "in the trenches" reasoning, once the kids are over a certain age, their mother really shouldn't expect much, if anything, for Mother's Day since she's not caring for small children anymore. My mother was my mother till the day she died my love and appreciation of her, instead of diminishing since I didn't depend on her 100% anymore, actually grew as I got older.

Sorry to derail, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about.

I really resent the idea that just because my dd isn't a little kid any more, I don't deserve any respect or acknowledgement of my parenting now, or for the two decades of my life prior to this. 

I'm not sure where you are getting that idea, but it is NOT from me.  I didn't say anything of the kind.  Please stop twisting my words.  It's not even twisting at this point, it's completely changing it to something I don't even remotely believe.  I'd appreciate you reading what I said more carefully and not attributing the idea that you don't deserve any respect to me.  I don't believe that and never said it.  Thanks.

You did...

I don't get it when people who haven't had young children to care for in years expect the day to be ALL about them.  A card, phone call, yes all appropriate assuming no toxicity.  But most of the day should be spent, in my opinion, honoring mothers with children still in the home.  Just my opinion I know, and getting slightly off topic.

You were totally endorsing the idea that Mother's Day should be about mothers who still have children at home and downplaying mothers in general.


I meant to say what I said, which is not even in the same universe as "mothers with grown children don't deserve respect or acknowledgement" which is what was attributed to me.  If you still think I said that or "meant" or "endorsed" that, you are choosing to believe something opposite from what I am telling you I believe.  That is a gross twisting of my words and your insistence on what I "meant" even after I have clarified is mystifying to me.  I know what I believe and my words are still here in print.  I never said anything like that.

« Last Edit: May 20, 2013, 06:55:51 PM by miranova »

Wordgeek

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Re: not counted as contact?
« Reply #44 on: May 20, 2013, 07:05:40 PM »
Since the discussion has devolved into pointless sniping, thread closed.