Apparently I'm the rude one

[cwm]

I've spoken to my boss about it, but my boss brushed it off and just said that Jane has my best interests at heart.

No, she does NOT have your best interests at heart. If she did, she would drop the subject when you told her that it was upsetting you. It's that simple. Explain to your boss or HR what's been happening, document it all, and if your boss says this again, respond by telling him that you're actively being hurt by this and ask what he's going to do about it.

As far as the eavesdropping and spreading gossip? That's another massive HR problem waiting to happen.

When Jane asks you to go to the gym with her, just politely say that it won't be possible. Don't give her any reasons, don't engage any further. Keep repeating it. "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." That's all the response she truly deserves.

[weeblewobble]

If anything I would think your supervisor would want to step in after Jane eavesdropped on a private conversation involving employee personal issues and then broadcast what she learned to the other employees. While it may not be actionable (it should be!) It shows an enormous lack of maturity, reliability and integrity.


Her emails are harassment. The foul language is abusive behavior. Report to HR and submit the emails as proof.

[learningtofly]

She swore at you and yelled at you.  This is not a good environment.  HR should become involved.  Some small companies have an HR consultant.  Talk to boss again if you can.  She's creating a hostile environment and keeping you from your work.  She's just as new as you are and she's finding her footing by bullying you.

As for the gym-talk to the gym manager.  Let them know that you came to workout with a coworker and she harasses you during workouts.  To please disregard your name on all sign-up lists unless notified by you personally.  If they don't believe you have them observe Jane "encouraging" you during a workout.  If there is another gym you can move to let them know it is you or her.  Either you leave or they throw her out.  You should not be harassed at the gym by another patron.  You shouldn't have to change gyms either, but if they won't get rid of her and you can't workout in peace you may not have a choice.

[Outdoor Girl]

I'm with Slartibartfast.  She said it much better than I would have.

What I wanted to say about the gym situation was, 'Seriously?  Last time I worked out with you, you called me old and fat.  Why on earth would I want to work out with you again?'

If you have any other personal situations come up, don't feel you have to fill boss in.  If he asks for details, tell him that you aren't comfortable discussing them with him because of what happened with Jane the last time.  If details are required in order to grant the time off, you'll send him something in writing, marked personal and confidential, that he can read and either file securely or shred immediately.

[veronaz]

OP, re: your boss……..I’ve seen (and also had) bosses who are either incompetent and/or afraid of a problem employee.  The remark about Jane having your best interests at heart is pure garbage.  Boss just doesn’t want to deal with Jane.  You’re going to have to go over boss’ head (next level boss) or go to HR.  Approaching Jane (politely or otherwise) is not going to accomplish anything because she KNOWS she can do and say whatever she wants.

[Margo]

you were not remotely rude.

I agree thst you need to speak to your boss again.

Be explicit.

"I spoke to you in cofidence. Jane not only evesdropped on that private conversation, which is not OK, she then made it public, which was totally inappropriate, and she has continued to speak about this after I have repeatedly told her I do not want to discuss my private affairs with her, or in public.
I feel that it was very obvious from the outset that I was not sharing that information with anyone other than you, and that even if she inadvertently heard part of our conversation, she had no excuse for repeating or referring to it.

Her refusal to respect my privacy, or to respect my repeated requests to her not to talk about this have been ignored. I feel that she is bullying and harassing me. I don;t know how I can make it any clearer to her how totally inappropriate her behviour is, so I am asking you, as our Boss, to make it clear to her"

Be prepared to proivide a chronology setting out all of the incidents, hen they happened, and your response (e.g. your requests to not talk about this issue)

If Boss brings up the 'she has your interests at heart then a response such as
"No, she hasn't. If she had my interests at heart she would respect my privacy, and my personal choice not to discuss this issue publicly. She knows I dio not want her input but is ignoring that."


If your Boss won;t do anythign, consider taking it higher up the chain of command (if there is one).

Do you have any more sympathetic co-workers who might be willing to back yuou up?

eg

Jane "you should ..."
You "I don;t want to discuss this, it's a private matter"
jane "but I want to help, you..."
SCW "Jane, give it a rest. Hollyandra said she doesn't need your advice."
jane "But if she.."
SCW "She said no. Stop bullying the poor woman. holly, can you help me with this workrelated thing?"

Better still if more than one of your co-workers is willing to back you up.

Good Luck.

[Lorelei_Evil]

I agree with the previous 2 posters.  Your boss is a wuss and doesn't want to deal with her, so the only thing you can do is go up the chain of command. 

[amylouky]

Wow. She takes the cake.
At this point, I'd be responding to every personal question, invitation to the gym, or other intrusive comment with, "I am not interested in sharing my personal life with you. Please restrict your comments to work information." Any protests or "WHYYYYYY???" would be answered with the first sentence. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And I'd be avoiding being around her when there are not witnesses.

[DottyG]

In no way, shape or form were you rude.

This.  And I am so angry on your behalf right now.  At Jane.  At your boss.  And for anyone who is witnessing all of this and not helping you.

I agree with Slart as well.  And I agree completely that you need to be documenting each and every encounter with her.  Date, time, what was said, who was there with you at the time (for witnessing purposes, if needed) and anything else you can write down.  You need to have a solid set of written down data to get this resolved.

And I agree completely with using the word "bully" - that is what she is.  Clear and simple.  When you use that word, the corresponding one for you is "target," by the way.  Don't use "victim."  A bully bullies a target.  There's a very definitely difference in the two.

[veronaz]

Hindsight - when told Jane "has my best interests at heart" I would have frowned and asked boss "How?    Exactly what do you mean?" then maybe written an email confirming what was said.

[crella]

We were on the treadmill and she started yelling 'encouraging' things at me, such as "come on grandma" and "move it fatty!"

  Color me gobsmacked.

She's not a nice, helping person at all. That's terrible. POD on everyone's advice.

[ellebelle]

Before everyone starts going off on the boss, I don't see that the OP ever mentioned her boss saying that Jane had only her best interest at heart, etc.

That came from other posters.

I would like to know from the OP if she has even mentioned this problem to her boss?

[LeveeWoman]

Before everyone starts going off on the boss, I don't see that the OP ever mentioned her boss saying that Jane had only her best interest at heart, etc.

That came from other posters.

I would like to know from the OP if she has even mentioned this problem to her boss?

From the first post:

, but my boss brushed it off and just said that Jane has my best interests at heart

[veronaz]

LeveeWoman beat me to it.  The boss DID say that, and deserves all the criticism s/he is getting.

[PrettySticks]

Have you ever noticed that any time someone says "I'm just trying to *help* you!" they're doing anything but, and it's pretty much a cover for them to be insulting/overbearing/what-have-you?  Because if it were true, and they were really helping, then there'd be no need to mention it.  If you have to say it, you ain't doin' it!

Personally, I don't see a problem with telling her precisely why you don't want to go to the gym - I liked Outdoor Girl's wording just fine - and if she calls you rude or ungrateful, you have your out! "So if I'm rude and ungrateful, why would YOU want to work out with ME?"  Something similar could be said if she gets upset when you ask her to stop talking about your personal issue.  "If I'm so rude and ungrateful, then you should definitely not waste your time giving me advice." 

You mentioned she's started a few weeks before you.  I suspect she didn't have any friends in the office yet and since you were newer than she was, she thought you two could be pals.  She caught a piece of personal info about you, and decided that she was going to solve the issue and that would be your special bond.  It would certainly explain why she thinks you're so rude, but is still so set on spending time with you!