Author Topic: Showing up unannounced and unvited  (Read 13426 times)

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dks64

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Showing up unannounced and unvited
« on: May 21, 2013, 12:10:21 AM »
I have a neighbor who shows up from time to time without calling first. He's from France, so I'm wondering if it's socially common and acceptable where he's from. I think it's rude and intrusive, I feel like I don't have privacy because of it. I don't know if it's because of where I grew up (So Cal, where we commonly don't know our neighbors well), but I feel like it's rude to just ring someone's doorbell without calling first IF you have their number. Is it bad etiquette to just stop by without being invited in this situation? Next time I see him, I'm going to ask him to call first, but I'm curious as to how rude it is. Tonight he stopped by and I stepped out of my apartment, closing my door behind me. I did not invite him in, I didn't invite him over in the first place.

Thanks for the input!

Pen^2

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2013, 01:56:20 AM »
Unless he's from very, very rural France, this is not normal.

Next time he drops by, immediately remember that you were about to go somewhere urgently. "Sorry, I can't chat, I'm late for an important appointment! Can you let me know next time before you're going to come over? I'd hate for this to happen again! Thanks!" And leave before he comes in or gets settled. Repeat as necessary.

NyaChan

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2013, 01:58:41 AM »
Act surprised - "Oh Neighbor, I wasn't expecting you.  I'm afraid can't visit with you right now."  If you want to chat at another time, I'd add in a line about him calling ahead from now on.

MariaE

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2013, 02:11:31 AM »
I don't think he's rude, and I don't think you're rude either. If you (general) show up unannounced and uninvited you run the risk of being unwelcome (where "unwelcome" can mean anything from "I'd love to see you another time, but can't right now" to "Get away! Now!").
 
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veryfluffy

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2013, 02:54:06 AM »
I live in a rural village in England. My friends and neighbours quite often turn up "unannounced and uninvited" , and I do the same, for all kinds of reasons. I don't see it as rude at all -- if it isn't convenient I don't invite them them in, or may not even answer the door.
   

cicero

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2013, 03:07:30 AM »
how often are we talking? and when you say "shows up" - what does that mean? he wants to borrow a cup of sugar or he wants to hang out or wants to see if you want to grab a pizza?

depending on the situation, i don't think it's necessarily rude. if i need to to stop by a neighbor's house to borrow/return something, I wouldn't think of calling first (unless i was asked to please call first).  If it was to hang out - depends on the neighborhood culture. in my previous life, in a suburban atmosphere where everyone had a bunch of kids who were running in and out of everyone's home, and most of the moms didn't work, then yes - people would "drop by" all the time. where i live today, it's way different - I wouldn't just drop by if it were to "visit" with someone but I would if i need to borrow something

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magician5

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2013, 03:23:10 AM »
I don't think it matters even a little bit whether people do this where he's from. Right now, he's here ("When in Rome...")

That's not a suggestion to turn him away rudely, but it's not at all rude to gently state your boundaries.
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katycoo

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2013, 03:30:23 AM »
Noone is rude.

Its not rude to ring someone's bell.

It's not rude to be unavailable when your bell is rung.

perpetua

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2013, 03:41:44 AM »
Noone is rude.

Its not rude to ring someone's bell.

It's not rude to be unavailable when your bell is rung.

This. Ringing a bell is to announce you're there. I don't see the need to telephone first to announce that you're going to ring the bell to announce you're there. If you don't want to socialise when someone rings the bell, don't invite them in.

I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.

sammycat

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2013, 03:50:32 AM »
I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.

Same!

Different people have different levels of comfort re. guests/people dropping by, so I don't think anyone in the OP's scenario is either right nor wrong; just different.

perpetua

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2013, 03:52:05 AM »
I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.

Same!

Different people have different levels of comfort re. guests/people dropping by, so I don't think anyone in the OP's scenario is either right nor wrong; just different.

I'm glad it's not just me.

I don't think anyone is rude in this scenario either; it can be rude to show up unannounced of course, but just ringing the bell? No. That's what it's *for*.

m2kbug

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2013, 04:41:36 AM »
It's not bad etiquette and it's not rude to ring a doorbell.  Random socializing is just how some people operate.  I think they come from Mars.  I'm going to assume that you actually do enjoy socializing with this person, you just can't drop everything for his random visits, you would like to plan, and you like your down time. 

You are under no obligation to answer the door.  Ignore it.  Don't thump around if you go to check the peephole.  I would just ignore.  There is no reason for anyone to be at the door if it isn't pre-arranged.  If not pre-arranged, it's probably not someone I wish to deal with, maybe someone selling their religion or solar panels.  Not interested. 

If you get caught on your way out, you're on you're way out.

If you answer the door, you're busy with something, can't chat, call me, we can arrange a time to get together.

Always work on "call first, we can plan."

Some people have no problems with unexpected guests and drop-ins, and he is one of them.  I am not one of those people, and you are not either.  Push calls and planning every time. 

Annoying but not rude.

dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2013, 01:13:45 PM »
Here's a little more to the story:

He usually stops by when I'm in the middle of something, I have a very busy schedule. I don't really consider him a friend, he's more of an acquaintance. He weirds me out a bit, honestly. I live alone and he's 18 years older than me. I have a boyfriend, but he lives 40 miles away.

Not last night, but the time before that, he came over and freaked me out a bit. He said "Are you mad at me? Because you're usually very nice and last time I came over you seemed annoyed with me." He was very spazzy when he said it, he also showed up unannounced when I was rushing to get out the door. I leave my lights on when I leave to I appear to be home and a few months back, he told me "Your lights were on and I knocked,  but you didn't answer." Well duh, wasn't home or wasn't answering the door. He also told me yesterday that I look tired. Not very polite.

Next time he drops by, I'm going to say exactly what Nya said "Oh Neighbor, I wasn't expecting you.  I'm afraid can't visit with you right now." and close the door. He doesn't come over to borrow things, he just wants to talk. I think I feel even less comfortable because I'm home alone. I know I could take him on if he tried to attack me unarmed, but I just don't feel very comfortable with him being in my apartment. I joke with my friends that he's a serial killer because he's often too friendly. One time he asked me how I profiled him when we first met, I flat out told him "I thought you were a serial killer." It's still a possibility  :P I'm a crime buff, I'm a little extra paranoid (which makes me less trusting in general). I would never just show up unannounced unless I didn't have their number (this guy has my number), I would hate to interrupt someone in an intimate moment or when they're napping. In my eyes, it's just rude unless you're really close to that person and know it's okay.

m2kbug

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2013, 02:15:09 PM »
Where I live there's a group where drop-ins and random visits are quite the norm.  It's just how they operate, and they don't seem to understand that other people just don't work that way.  I would not be able to tolerate random, unexpected visits, nor would I want to stop whatever I'm doing for a social call.  I don't know if this guy functioned in this type of environment and just doesn't understand calling first or making plans. It's his normal.   

It seems the situation is more that he knows if he calls, you simply won't answer or you'll be able to deflect him more easily.  If he can catch you at home and in person, it's harder to say no or remove yourself from the situation.  You're getting cornered.  He's watching your lights.  That's creepy.

I agree with you and Nya, just be unavailable and busy.  Hopefully he'll get the hint.  I had a neighbor that would come by to "borrow" things a lot.  It got old and expensive really fast.  I just quit answering the door, but if I got "caught," I was really short with him, tried to be nice at the same time.  I was working up the courage to tell him I can't do this anymore, you need to stop asking.  He stopped coming by as frequently and then he moved, so it all worked out.   :) 

cheyne

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2013, 02:55:27 PM »
Here's a little more to the story:

He usually stops by when I'm in the middle of something, I have a very busy schedule. I don't really consider him a friend, he's more of an acquaintance. He weirds me out a bit, honestly. I live alone and he's 18 years older than me. I have a boyfriend, but he lives 40 miles away.

Not last night, but the time before that, he came over and freaked me out a bit. He said "Are you mad at me? Because you're usually very nice and last time I came over you seemed annoyed with me." He was very spazzy when he said it, he also showed up unannounced when I was rushing to get out the door. I leave my lights on when I leave to I appear to be home and a few months back, he told me "Your lights were on and I knocked,  but you didn't answer." Well duh, wasn't home or wasn't answering the door. He also told me yesterday that I look tired. Not very polite.

Next time he drops by, I'm going to say exactly what Nya said "Oh Neighbor, I wasn't expecting you.  I'm afraid can't visit with you right now." and close the door. He doesn't come over to borrow things, he just wants to talk. I think I feel even less comfortable because I'm home alone. I know I could take him on if he tried to attack me unarmed, but I just don't feel very comfortable with him being in my apartment. I joke with my friends that he's a serial killer because he's often too friendly. One time he asked me how I profiled him when we first met, I flat out told him "I thought you were a serial killer." It's still a possibility  :P I'm a crime buff, I'm a little extra paranoid (which makes me less trusting in general). I would never just show up unannounced unless I didn't have their number (this guy has my number), I would hate to interrupt someone in an intimate moment or when they're napping. In my eyes, it's just rude unless you're really close to that person and know it's okay.

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