Author Topic: Showing up unannounced and unvited  (Read 13370 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #15 on: May 21, 2013, 02:59:58 PM »
Here's a little more to the story:

He usually stops by when I'm in the middle of something, I have a very busy schedule. I don't really consider him a friend, he's more of an acquaintance. He weirds me out a bit, honestly. I live alone and he's 18 years older than me. I have a boyfriend, but he lives 40 miles away.

Not last night, but the time before that, he came over and freaked me out a bit. He said "Are you mad at me? Because you're usually very nice and last time I came over you seemed annoyed with me." He was very spazzy when he said it, he also showed up unannounced when I was rushing to get out the door. I leave my lights on when I leave to I appear to be home and a few months back, he told me "Your lights were on and I knocked,  but you didn't answer." Well duh, wasn't home or wasn't answering the door. He also told me yesterday that I look tired. Not very polite.

Next time he drops by, I'm going to say exactly what Nya said "Oh Neighbor, I wasn't expecting you.  I'm afraid can't visit with you right now." and close the door. He doesn't come over to borrow things, he just wants to talk. I think I feel even less comfortable because I'm home alone. I know I could take him on if he tried to attack me unarmed, but I just don't feel very comfortable with him being in my apartment. I joke with my friends that he's a serial killer because he's often too friendly. One time he asked me how I profiled him when we first met, I flat out told him "I thought you were a serial killer." It's still a possibility  :P I'm a crime buff, I'm a little extra paranoid (which makes me less trusting in general). I would never just show up unannounced unless I didn't have their number (this guy has my number), I would hate to interrupt someone in an intimate moment or when they're napping. In my eyes, it's just rude unless you're really close to that person and know it's okay.

Bolding mine.

I think I love you.

There must be something in the air, because I am getting warm fuzzy feelings as well. 

Surianne

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #16 on: May 21, 2013, 03:22:21 PM »
Perfectly normal for neighbours to do this in my neck of the woods (Ontario, Canada).  If I'm not up for chatting/visiting, I don't answer the door, or I answer it and politely let the person know.  I'll usually tell them a better time to chat, or ask them if they'd like me to knock on their door when I'm free.

No rudeness on the side of the person dropping by or the person not able to visit, as long as both are handled in a friendly and polite manner.

Cami

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #17 on: May 21, 2013, 04:38:12 PM »
Noone is rude.

Its not rude to ring someone's bell.

It's not rude to be unavailable when your bell is rung.

This. Ringing a bell is to announce you're there. I don't see the need to telephone first to announce that you're going to ring the bell to announce you're there. If you don't want to socialise when someone rings the bell, don't invite them in.

I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.
Agreed.

I once lived in a house that had doorbells on both the front and back doors. The back doorbell was for neighbors. The front doorbell was for everyone else. It worked out well, but then again, people there were friendly and wanted to know their neighbors. They also had no problem answering the door and saying, "Hey, this isn't a good time for me. Later?"


DottyG

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #18 on: May 21, 2013, 05:03:44 PM »
Quote
I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.

Given the updated info we have, I don't blame the OP for having some misgivings about this man.  This falls into the category described by "The Book That Shall Not Be Named Here At EHell," and the OP might need to be cognizant of her gut feelings.


NyaChan

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #19 on: May 21, 2013, 08:45:38 PM »
Quote
I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.

Given the updated info we have, I don't blame the OP for having some misgivings about this man.  This falls into the category described by "The Book That Shall Not Be Named Here At EHell," and the OP might need to be cognizant of her gut feelings.

I know that answering this would be naming it in ehell, but I'm confused...what book ???

DottyG

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #20 on: May 21, 2013, 09:05:29 PM »
"The Gift of Fear"


Roe

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #21 on: May 21, 2013, 09:52:39 PM »
I think this is less about him showing up unannounced and more about the creepy feelings he gives you.  I'd listen to your instinct and be unable to socialize with him.  And just because someone rings the bell doesn't mean you have to answer.

CakeEater

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #22 on: May 21, 2013, 11:15:03 PM »
I think it's completely fin for neighbours to knock on each others' doors without calling ahead. The phone will interrupt the nap or the intimate monet just as much as the doorbell.

However, in your situation, I'd be busy every time this man wants to socialise. Even if he calls ahead. I wouldn't invite him in, ever. He sounds a bit odd.

sammycat

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #23 on: May 22, 2013, 12:19:05 AM »
I think it's completely fin for neighbours to knock on each others' doors without calling ahead. The phone will interrupt the nap or the intimate monet just as much as the doorbell.

However, in your situation, I'd be busy every time this man wants to socialise. Even if he calls ahead. I wouldn't invite him in, ever. He sounds a bit odd.

Good point.

It's quite okay not to answer the door if you don't want to/it's inconvenient. I don't mind if friends or family drop by without calling (I realise not everyone is okay with this and that's fine), but on the extremely rare occasions I haven't wanted to interact with that person I simply don't answer the door.  I always ignore salespeople/religious callers/strangers.

MariaE

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #24 on: May 22, 2013, 02:00:07 AM »
I think this is less about him showing up unannounced and more about the creepy feelings he gives you.  I'd listen to your instinct and be unable to socialize with him.  And just because someone rings the bell doesn't mean you have to answer.

I agree. The update changes things for me.
 
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #25 on: May 22, 2013, 06:36:59 AM »
I think it's fine for close family and friends to drop by uninvited (and as PPs have stated, it's often a regional things).

In this guy's case, I think it's different. It sounds like he's doing this fairly often, wanting to hang out and chat, etc. I definitely suspect he may be "interested" in you. Telling him that you are busy, every time he shows up is a good idea.

Waterlight

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #26 on: May 22, 2013, 03:58:18 PM »
I think this is less about him showing up unannounced and more about the creepy feelings he gives you.  I'd listen to your instinct and be unable to socialize with him.  And just because someone rings the bell doesn't mean you have to answer.

PODDITY POD POD POD to the bolded line above.  I never answer my intercom (I live in a building where you have to buzz an intercom to be let in) unless I'm expecting a guest, the apartment manager/maintenance, or a delivery.  My friends and family know I need to buzz them in, so they call me first to make sure I'll be home.
“The best lightning rod for your protection is your own spine.”--Ralph Waldo Emerson

dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #27 on: May 22, 2013, 04:22:09 PM »
Where I live there's a group where drop-ins and random visits are quite the norm.  It's just how they operate, and they don't seem to understand that other people just don't work that way.  I would not be able to tolerate random, unexpected visits, nor would I want to stop whatever I'm doing for a social call.  I don't know if this guy functioned in this type of environment and just doesn't understand calling first or making plans. It's his normal.   

It seems the situation is more that he knows if he calls, you simply won't answer or you'll be able to deflect him more easily.  If he can catch you at home and in person, it's harder to say no or remove yourself from the situation.  You're getting cornered.  He's watching your lights.  That's creepy.

I agree with you and Nya, just be unavailable and busy.  Hopefully he'll get the hint.  I had a neighbor that would come by to "borrow" things a lot.  It got old and expensive really fast.  I just quit answering the door, but if I got "caught," I was really short with him, tried to be nice at the same time.  I was working up the courage to tell him I can't do this anymore, you need to stop asking.  He stopped coming by as frequently and then he moved, so it all worked out.   :)

And that creeps me out. Cornering someone is not okay. I absolutely feel cornered. I'm creeped out by the fact that he watches my lights, for sure.

dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #28 on: May 22, 2013, 04:23:23 PM »

Bolding mine.

I think I love you.

There must be something in the air, because I am getting warm fuzzy feelings as well.


 ;D

dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #29 on: May 22, 2013, 04:35:38 PM »
A little more detail on the age difference: I'll be 27 on Sunday, he's 45. He knows I have a boyfriend, it's not a secret. He once asked me out for drinks, I declined.

He does give me the creeps. He was nice at first, but then got clingy. He has a cool dog, which is how we met in the first place. I was walking my dog (who passed away in March) and he had his dog. He gave me his apartment key to hold on to in case he got locked out. I gave it back, but he returned it when he briefly went out of town. He asked if he could come by and pick it up, I said yes. He came by and tried to make an excuse as to why he should leave it here. He pretty much made an excuse to meet up, I insisted he take it. He also moved out of the complex 2 months ago and into a neighboring one. He used to live in the same building, not anymore, but still comes over. I do feel a little bad for him because I don't think he has a lot of friends here. I just wish he would meet friends his own age.

Even outside of the creepy situation, I was raised to not surprise anyone unless you know they're okay with it. Close family friends and family, maybe. I don't think showing up unannounced is the same interruption as calling. It's easier to not pick up a phone than pretend you're not home when they see your car in the carport. I wouldn't put it past him to look in my window (although I've never seen him do it).