Author Topic: Showing up unannounced and unvited  (Read 13305 times)

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dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #30 on: May 22, 2013, 04:38:44 PM »
I should ask my gym fanatic coworker over one day to scare him (he's tall and HUGE). "Hey neighbor, my brother is visiting right now, but come on in."  ;D

Roe

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #31 on: May 22, 2013, 06:41:41 PM »
See, here's the thing, it doesn't matter if he sees your light on or your car in the driveway.  You can still ignore the doorbell.  Actually, I'd suggest you do just that and ignore him next time he visits.  He will either eventually get the hint or you might have to say "Please leave me alone."

And yes, I do think it's rude to stop by without calling first.  I wasn't raised that way but adopted it as soon as I left my house.  It's funny because now everyone in my family has adopted the same "rule."  It makes life much more relaxing for me.  Don't get me wrong, in certain situations my family would still drop by unannounced or call when they were down the street but those situations were rare and definitely rude.  However, if they wanted to chit-chat and to hang out, a call or text would be the way to get ahold of me.  Showing up unannounced would get a "sorry, I'm busy." 

bansidhe

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #32 on: May 22, 2013, 07:17:10 PM »
Ringing a bell is to announce you're there. I don't see the need to telephone first to announce that you're going to ring the bell to announce you're there. If you don't want to socialise when someone rings the bell, don't invite them in.

I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.

People have opinions that differ from yours. That does not mean they are "silly notions."

I consider showing up at someone's door unannounced and uninvited to be incredibly rude - as in a major etiquette faux pas - unless it's occurring between people who have already established that they're OK with the practice . As for not inviting someone in when they ring your bell, what are you supposed to do? Hide in your own house and pretend you aren't home until they go away? How awkward.

In the OP's case, it sounds like there is even more to the situation than lack of etiquette, though. Hopefully the guy is harmless, but he sounds pretty creepy.  :-\
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Deetee

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #33 on: May 22, 2013, 09:14:25 PM »
With the two updates, I completely agree that you should back away from this " friendship". If a guy gives you the creeps and fails to respect your boundaries just listen to your gut.

TootsNYC

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #34 on: May 22, 2013, 09:19:48 PM »

Next time, interrupt his greeting and say to him, "I'm really busy, Charlie. Please don't come by. I've got to go." and close the door.

You don't want to know him, right? So don't worry about him feeling rejected (you *want* him to feel rejected) or about hurting his feelings.

Feel free to sound a little bit annoyed. Your only reason to know him *in the past* was because he lived so close to you. He doesn't anymore, so you don't want to know him.

Danika

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #35 on: May 23, 2013, 03:45:37 AM »
These are my reactions to what you wrote:

He said "Are you mad at me? Because you're usually very nice and last time I came over you seemed annoyed with me." He was very spazzy when he said it...

Yellow flag. Maybe he's being honest and trying to communicate. Maybe he's being manipulative and pushy and trying to get you to overcompensate by being super nice to prove that you're still a nice person.


he told me "Your lights were on and I knocked,  but you didn't answer."

Yellow to red flag. Stalker behavior. Pushy to tell you that to try to get you to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) to him. Not his business why your lights were on. He could have made the observation in his mind and made a mental note, but he's not your keeper, he has no business "calling you out" for allegedly being home and not answering your door.

To this, I might have replied "Oh, that was the night I was super constipated and was on the toilet for 2 hours. Oh, my poor hemorrhoids" just to not reward his pushy comment and shut him up.


He also told me yesterday that I look tired.

Yellow to red flag. He's either rude and mean and trying to put you down because he's a jerk and he likes to push nice people around. Or he's just socially awkward and clueless. Either way, so far, he's not seeming like the kind of person I'd want to spend tons and tons of time with. I'd cut him loose as an acquaintance. No need to answer the door anymore to anyone who hasn't told you in advance that they're coming over. For a while at least, till he learns to stop.

I know I could take him on if he tried to attack me unarmed...

And if he were armed?

There's no reason to be opening the door for him. You care about his feelings. More than you care about your own? Ignoring his knocks/rings isn't mean. You're not telling him to go jump off a cliff or have a miserable life. You're just living your own life. If you want to spend your evening on your couch picking lint out of your belly button and have no other reason not to open the door, you still don't need to. You're not responsible for his feelings, or to make sure that he has friends or is socialized or instructed in considerate behavior.


he asked me how I profiled him when we first met...

Another yellow flag. Awkward behavior, IMHO.


I'm a crime buff, I'm a little extra paranoid (which makes me less trusting in general).

My opinion is that you're not paranoid. I've lived in big cities and heard lots of stories. I think everyone should have a peephole or a side window and shouldn't open doors unless they know and fully trust the person on their doorstep. Again, JMHO.

katycoo

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #36 on: May 23, 2013, 09:24:52 AM »
Ringing a bell is to announce you're there. I don't see the need to telephone first to announce that you're going to ring the bell to announce you're there. If you don't want to socialise when someone rings the bell, don't invite them in.

I do not understand this rather silly notion that ringing someone's doorbell is so terribly rude and I'm glad I don't live somewhere where this is the case.

People have opinions that differ from yours. That does not mean they are "silly notions."

I consider showing up at someone's door unannounced and uninvited to be incredibly rude - as in a major etiquette faux pas - unless it's occurring between people who have already established that they're OK with the practice . As for not inviting someone in when they ring your bell, what are you supposed to do? Hide in your own house and pretend you aren't home until they go away? How awkward.

In the OP's case, it sounds like there is even more to the situation than lack of etiquette, though. Hopefully the guy is harmless, but he sounds pretty creepy.  :-\

Well, what I would do is answer the door and say "I'm so sorry!  I didn't know you had planned to stop by and I'm in the middle of about 45 things which simply cannot wait.  If I'd known in advance I might have been able to accomodate a visit but as it is I'm simply not available for a catch up right now.  Give me a call on Monday and we'll arrange coffee!"

bopper

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #37 on: May 23, 2013, 09:49:15 AM »
I agree...read "The Gift of Fear" and listen to yourself when you find the guy creepy.  The giving a key to you is a tactic to keep you some how involved in his life.  If you want him out of your life, you have to keep him out of your life.  Don't answer the door when he shows up. Don't take phone calls or if you accidently do, say "I have been thinking about it and I realize that we don't have anything in common and I don't want to pursue this acquaintanceship any further.  Good luck and good bye."

NyaChan

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #38 on: May 23, 2013, 11:57:38 AM »
After reading your further explanations, I am wondering - this is just some guy who used to live by you and now lives a little further away right?  He's not friends with friends of yours, someone from work, or any sort of family acquaintance, correct?  So why bother with keeping a workable relationship with him?  This is one of those cases where a stranger is intruding into your life and is bothering you - the don't talk to me vibe or actions are completely in order for this situation.

DottyG

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #39 on: May 23, 2013, 12:10:10 PM »
I do agree that reading "the unnamed book" (ie, "The Gift of Fear") is something you need to do.

And, reread Danika's post above.  Excellent.


Deetee

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #40 on: May 23, 2013, 12:15:34 PM »
I agree with everything that Danika said.

This isn't, to my mind, something about showing up uninvited etc... That was just you trying to justify why you don't want this guy to come by your house and have a relationship with you.  Basically he wants a closer relationship (romantic or not is unimportant) than you want and he is pushing. It is more important that he makes you uneasy and wants more than you want than he violating a social rule.

And it doesn't mean he is a rapist or someone scary or a serial killer. It just means he makes you uncomfortable. That is enough for you to end the "friendship"

wolfie

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #41 on: May 23, 2013, 12:30:37 PM »
I just finished reading the gift of fear and this is almost like one of the examples in the book. Tell the guy to leave you alone and be done with him. Don't worry about hurting his feelings - he will get over it. I would recommend the book too - it might help you put his behavior in context.

Aquamarine

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #42 on: May 23, 2013, 12:32:26 PM »
It's not rude to ask someone to call before coming over to your home.  Just because some may consider it unfriendly or rude does not make the request itself rude.  I loathe people who think it's OK to just drop in.
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #43 on: May 23, 2013, 12:52:31 PM »
In general, I think whether it's okay to drop by depends on the effort required to do so.  For instance, when I lived in base housing, I had friends who lived in the neighboring attached houses or across the street.  If I wanted to ask them a question or tell them something, I'd just stop by their house, and they'd do the same to me.  Conversations were generally short, but sometimes the person at home would ask the other in and we would hang out a bit longer.  This was common and natural.  If the person was busy, they'd just say so.  Or if they didn't want to talk for whatever reason.

If somebody is in the neighborhood or driving close by, I don't think it's a big deal to stop over unannounced, and just say, "Hey, we're on the way <wherever>, just thought we'd say hi/drop off this <item>," whatever.  Again, they didn't make much extra effort, so it doesn't make the homeowner feel guilty about saying, "Oh, it's great to see you, but we're in the middle of some things and can't chat.  Can I give you a call tomorrow?"

However, I think that anything more than that becomes rude to just come over without calling, and the rudeness increases based on how long you took to get there.  I think it's rude if you drove 10 minutes, and ruder still if you drove 5 hours, and rudest if you took an 8 hour plane flight.  First, because the greater effort you had to make to get there, the more time you had that you could have certainly found 5 minutes in there to give the person a call (whereas when you're next door or dropping by on your way somewhere, it might be a split second decision and it takes you less time to get to the house than to make a phone call).  Also, it puts a greater burden of guilt on the homeowner to turn you away, because they know how much time/effort it took you to get there.  Even if they are perfectly justified in turning you away, and they are, it still makes them feel a bit guilty that you went to all that trouble to get there and then they can't see you.  So it's manipulation to try to force them to see you.  Etc.

I would make an exception on surprise visits to close family/friends who you know would enjoy the surprise.  My grandmother lives about 10 minutes away (from my parents' house, which is where I am now), and she'd be thrilled if I came by to surprise her with the kids.  I'd take the risk, of course, that she wasn't home or that she was going out just then, but it might be worth the risk for the surprise if she was home.  In high school, I had a friend who enjoyed surprising his friends with visits, and he basically knew which of us were fine with it and which of us preferred to be called first.  But it's different when you aren't super close and don't know how they feel about it.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #44 on: June 06, 2013, 04:58:18 PM »
Thank you for all of the advice and insight. I haven't seen him since the time he came over and told me I looked tired. I'm pushing him out of my life, don't want him as a friend honestly.