Author Topic: Showing up unannounced and unvited  (Read 13662 times)

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ThistleBird

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #45 on: June 07, 2013, 01:54:05 AM »
Just wanted to post (although I see this is resolved) b/c I grew up in France.

The question of showing up unannounced is cultural. It's OK according some places' etiquettes but not others. Etiquette is not universal. In France it's more normal to knock on a door unannounced, more so in rural areas but it's always more normal than it is in the U.S. French etiquette also dictates that if you invite someone into your house you should offer them something, if only a drink of water, which is not something American etiquette requires. It's also expected that you kiss on both cheeks as a greeting, even if you have only just met, which is definitely not the thing to do in the U.S.! But, as someone pointed out, this guy is not in France anymore.

This guy is clearly also pushing himself into the life of someone who doesn't want him in their life, so dealing with it on that basis is right. It's never anyone's responsibility to be your friend unless they want to be. Incidentally French etiquette is pretty big on giving people their space, not being "overly familiar," and not putting your nose in other people's business, so there are certainly issues with this guy beyond culture clash. Some of the stuff he's said to you (are you mad at me? etc, when you don't have all that much of a relationship) would be even *more* inappropriate in France.

TootsNYC

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2013, 07:45:02 AM »
Just wanted to post (although I see this is resolved) b/c I grew up in France.

The question of showing up unannounced is cultural. It's OK according some places' etiquettes but not others. Etiquette is not universal. In France it's more normal to knock on a door unannounced, more so in rural areas but it's always more normal than it is in the U.S. French etiquette also dictates that if you invite someone into your house you should offer them something, if only a drink of water, which is not something American etiquette requires.
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I beg to differ! In the U.S., if you invite someone into your home, you are absolutely rude if you don't offer them something to drink. Someone who comes into your home for a business reason might not get the offer (the cable guy), but that's not a social occasion.


<quote>
It's also expected that you kiss on both cheeks as a greeting, even if you have only just met, which is definitely not the thing to do in the U.S.! But, as someone pointed out, this guy is not in France anymore.

This guy is clearly also pushing himself into the life of someone who doesn't want him in their life, so dealing with it on that basis is right. It's never anyone's responsibility to be your friend unless they want to be. Incidentally French etiquette is pretty big on giving people their space, not being "overly familiar," and not putting your nose in other people's business, so there are certainly issues with this guy beyond culture clash. Some of the stuff he's said to you (are you mad at me? etc, when you don't have all that much of a relationship) would be even *more* inappropriate in France.

bopper

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2013, 10:08:24 AM »
If he shows up and you wouldn't mind visiting another time: "I am not up for visitors today.  Please call before you come next time."  y
If he shows up and you don't want to visit ever: "I am quite surprised you are here at my door.  Why are you here?"

dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2013, 02:17:19 PM »
Just wanted to post (although I see this is resolved) b/c I grew up in France.

The question of showing up unannounced is cultural. It's OK according some places' etiquettes but not others. Etiquette is not universal. In France it's more normal to knock on a door unannounced, more so in rural areas but it's always more normal than it is in the U.S. French etiquette also dictates that if you invite someone into your house you should offer them something, if only a drink of water, which is not something American etiquette requires. It's also expected that you kiss on both cheeks as a greeting, even if you have only just met, which is definitely not the thing to do in the U.S.! But, as someone pointed out, this guy is not in France anymore.

This guy is clearly also pushing himself into the life of someone who doesn't want him in their life, so dealing with it on that basis is right. It's never anyone's responsibility to be your friend unless they want to be. Incidentally French etiquette is pretty big on giving people their space, not being "overly familiar," and not putting your nose in other people's business, so there are certainly issues with this guy beyond culture clash. Some of the stuff he's said to you (are you mad at me? etc, when you don't have all that much of a relationship) would be even *more* inappropriate in France.

Thanks for the French perspective.  :D

When I invite people over, I always offer them a drink and/or snack.

sammycat

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #49 on: June 07, 2013, 09:55:37 PM »
When I invite people over, I always offer them a drink and/or snack.

So do I.

I was rather taken aback a few years ago when DS and I were invited over to a house for a playdate from 10am-2pm and the only thing I was offered was a glass of water. We assumed lunch would be served considering the timeframe. The only food on offer was the muffins I took over. We rejected all other visits to their home, although we met up a few times elsewhere.

dks64

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #50 on: June 08, 2013, 04:42:57 PM »
When I invite people over, I always offer them a drink and/or snack.

So do I.

I was rather taken aback a few years ago when DS and I were invited over to a house for a playdate from 10am-2pm and the only thing I was offered was a glass of water. We assumed lunch would be served considering the timeframe. The only food on offer was the muffins I took over. We rejected all other visits to their home, although we met up a few times elsewhere.

Could they possibly be on a different eating schedule? I would have offered a snack, but maybe they eat late lunches. I would have said "Sorry to cut this short, but my son and I usually have lunch around this time, we're both hungry."

Roe

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #51 on: June 08, 2013, 04:56:22 PM »
Sammycat, I would've left!  I don't think I would've been able to take it considering I usually skip breakfast.

I invite people over often during lunch hours but I always serve food and drink.  Even if someone stops by to pick up something or doesn't plan to stay long, I always offer something. 

sammycat

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #52 on: June 08, 2013, 07:41:04 PM »
Could they possibly be on a different eating schedule? I would have offered a snack, but maybe they eat late lunches. I would have said "Sorry to cut this short, but my son and I usually have lunch around this time, we're both hungry."

I'm not sure what sort of eating schedule would require someone to only offer a glass of water to visitors. I wasn't even offered tea or coffee (which I don't drink, although she didn't know that. I knew she did drink it, so was surprised it wasn't even offered).

Sammycat, I would've left!  I don't think I would've been able to take it considering I usually skip breakfast.

I invite people over often during lunch hours but I always serve food and drink.  Even if someone stops by to pick up something or doesn't plan to stay long, I always offer something. 

We did end up leaving earlier than I planned, as I just found the whole thing rather weird and off putting. And for once, instead of leaving, or offering to leave, the remains of the food I brought with me, I took it home with me!

Fleur

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #53 on: June 11, 2013, 01:37:55 PM »


I agree that this guy is a total creeper, which is a seperate issue from whether it is or is not rude to drop by unannounced: I was brought up to believe that it was rude, and I don't do it, although I don't consider it a huge deal. On another note, what is wrong with 'The Gift of Fear?' I have read it and found it super useful. Why shouldn't it be named?

Thipu1

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #54 on: June 12, 2013, 05:14:53 AM »
With the two updates, I completely agree that you should back away from this " friendship". If a guy gives you the creeps and fails to respect your boundaries just listen to your gut.

Since seeing your lights on was mentioned, may I suggest you get an inexpensive timer for a living room light or two?

Cami

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #55 on: June 12, 2013, 07:49:40 AM »
When I invite people over, I always offer them a drink and/or snack.

So do I.

I was rather taken aback a few years ago when DS and I were invited over to a house for a playdate from 10am-2pm and the only thing I was offered was a glass of water. We assumed lunch would be served considering the timeframe. The only food on offer was the muffins I took over. We rejected all other visits to their home, although we met up a few times elsewhere.
It's regional. Where I grew up on the east coast, you'd never invite someone into your home and not offer them something. Here, you can invite someone into your home for a planned, hours-long activity and get aggravated when they ask for a sip of water from the tap.

NyaChan

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #56 on: June 12, 2013, 04:17:22 PM »
I think people base it on what they've experienced.  My best friend and I grew up in different parts of the country, different cultures, different family structure, but both our moms always offered guests something and taught us to do it as well.  In contrast, another friend who is from the same area as me and of a culture that I always thought emphasized hospitality is one of those people who will sit with a glass of wine but not even offer you water.

Danika

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #57 on: June 12, 2013, 05:11:46 PM »
I've lived in different parts of the US, both coasts and the center, but I'd say that in my experience it tends to depend on one's upbringing more than region. In my observation, people with more "class" according to the American term - more education, more worldly, more well traveled - will offer their guests food and drink and a place to sit. They're cognizant of the temperature of the home and the comfort of their guests. They turn the TV/radio off when talking to guests, etc. Lower class folks (not necessarily income, but the types of people who aren't well traveled and who tend to make jokes about bodily noises) don't know to do that. They haven't been exposed to much and only do what they've learned in their own families. Just my observations.

Cami

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #58 on: June 12, 2013, 06:22:40 PM »
I've lived in different parts of the US, both coasts and the center, but I'd say that in my experience it tends to depend on one's upbringing more than region. In my observation, people with more "class" according to the American term - more education, more worldly, more well traveled - will offer their guests food and drink and a place to sit. They're cognizant of the temperature of the home and the comfort of their guests. They turn the TV/radio off when talking to guests, etc. Lower class folks (not necessarily income, but the types of people who aren't well traveled and who tend to make jokes about bodily noises) don't know to do that. They haven't been exposed to much and only do what they've learned in their own families. Just my observations.
That has not been my experience at all. The most hospitable people I know are people who barely or didn't graduate high school, are working class, have never traveled farther than 90 miles away and live paycheck to paycheck.  They are the people who would give an unexpected guest their own food for dinner rather than fail to offer them nothing.

Out here, some of the people who would begrudge you a sip of water from the tap are people with doctoral degrees in fancy houses who have traveled the world. They may have traveled, been educated, had exposure to diversity, and wouldn't dream of belching in public, but their default is the parsimonious worldview in which they were raised.

I'd much rather visit someone who belches and is generous and welcoming than someone who knows all the social graces but acts like my invited presence is an imposition.

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: Showing up unannounced and unvited
« Reply #59 on: June 12, 2013, 08:46:10 PM »
I've lived in different parts of the US, both coasts and the center, but I'd say that in my experience it tends to depend on one's upbringing more than region. In my observation, people with more "class" according to the American term - more education, more worldly, more well traveled - will offer their guests food and drink and a place to sit. They're cognizant of the temperature of the home and the comfort of their guests. They turn the TV/radio off when talking to guests, etc. Lower class folks (not necessarily income, but the types of people who aren't well traveled and who tend to make jokes about bodily noises) don't know to do that. They haven't been exposed to much and only do what they've learned in their own families. Just my observations.

Sorry Hun, I disagree. I grew up Farming and we always put on a food feast even if someone just dropped by

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