Author Topic: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?  (Read 10111 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #45 on: May 23, 2013, 05:05:10 PM »
I didn't understand Twik's concern with someone saying they'd screen out people who had not had long term relationships based on age. Until I read Lynn's post above and her reference to no long term relationship=looser.

In my experience there are other reasons why someone does not want to date someone who hasn't been in a long term relationship and it has nothing to do with them being a looser.

I'm more likely to equate someone over age 25 who hasn't been in a committed relationship as someone who is either a player, a committment phobe, or very work centric.

I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

whiterose

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #46 on: May 23, 2013, 07:31:20 PM »
My boyfriend was very pleasantly surprised that I resembled my profile pictures  :D

On our first date, I did wear at least as much make-up as I did in the profile pics taken at dressy events. Afterwards, I though I must have been in the uncanny valley- but there was a second date. We discussed it months afterwards- and I said it was because I wanted him to like me. And he said he liked me. And I replied that I liked him too.  ;D

I did wear a nice dress in a flattering color and style that showed off my small waist...but it also had cap sleeves that showed off my big arms, which in all the pics I did cover with long loose sleeves/shawl/other people :( Hey, it was a very hot day- usually I do not turn on the AC for another month, yet I had to turn it on later that day. So it was one huge risk I took that I had not taken before. To this day, he has not said anything about my arms.

The Latina part I advertised from the beginning. He was afraid I may be fake at first due to too many fake profiles on eHarmony belonging to that demographic. Otherwise, he had no problems with it per se. Sadly, not all fellows are as gentlemanly as he is.

Previous longest relationship did not come up till date 5- since I had stated that I had made it to the 5th date before, but that I had simply not been in a long-term relationship long or serious enough for marriage to be discussed. I do not even recall the exact number of dates I had in my second longest dating experience (or what counts as a date, since a few were group outings or meeting up at an anime convention)- just that they were spread out through 6 months, and that I have to use two hands in order to count them. Boyfriend does not mind. Many people have told me that if I made it that far with a person, it shows that I am desirable- while at the same time not being a serial monogamist. Still highly tempting to have put "between 6 months and a year" had POF broken it down that way, though. 

In other words, deceit would be if:

A) Emma had photoshopped the arms of a thin-armed woman on her profile pics.

B) Claudia had stated that she was a 7th generation American of British ancestry- and had somebody else speak on the phone for her just in case the men from the dating site needed a phone call prior to having a first date.

C) Suzanne had written that her longest relationship was 18 months, that marriage had been discussed, and that it ended because her boyfriend had died in a car accident.

Not so much the cases I described.

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ladyknight1

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #47 on: May 23, 2013, 07:34:48 PM »
I am far out of the market, but a friend has been a student for 12 years and very focused on her studies, with no serious relationship. She is now dating someone (getting serious) for the first time, but just learned that he is not only not single, but hasn't yet filed for divorce. I am very scared for my friend.

I have several friends who met their partners through a few different dating sites.

wolfie

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #48 on: May 23, 2013, 09:33:59 PM »
I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

That is why I wouldn't want to date someone who has never had a serious relationship. But then again when I was on the online dating sites it wasn't something I looked at either.

Ereine

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #49 on: May 23, 2013, 10:08:51 PM »
I can get the not wanting to date someone with little experience (though it was presented earlier in a "what's wrong with them" way), if I was looking now I wouldn't want someone who had been married, though obviously would make exceptions for awesome people.

When I tried online dating dating years ago I tried to be as accurate as possible, though I didn't include photos, it didn't seem to be really required on the sites I used and I got plenty of replies. I think that I talked about my inexperience and some about physical flaws but I don't remember if I included the things I see as my biggest problems, like tendency for anxiety. If I was to try online dating again I wouldn't include it and probably give the whole ad a more positive spin. I wouldn't lie but low self-esteem isn't particularly attractive, so I don't think that it would necessary to tell them all about my negative characteristics before I've even met them (though it did sort of work for me, I met my boyfriend through my blog, I had been writing pretty honestly so he knew all the major things).

Twik

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #50 on: May 23, 2013, 11:11:47 PM »
I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

That is why I wouldn't want to date someone who has never had a serious relationship. But then again when I was on the online dating sites it wasn't something I looked at either.

But that would have meant, if you were in Hmmmmm's shoes, that you would not have met a very suitable partner.
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gollymolly2

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #51 on: May 24, 2013, 01:42:43 AM »
I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

That is why I wouldn't want to date someone who has never had a serious relationship. But then again when I was on the online dating sites it wasn't something I looked at either.

But that would have meant, if you were in Hmmmmm's shoes, that you would not have met a very suitable partner.

Sure, that's usually the case with preferences in a partner.  Not 100% of people with your preferred attribute are going to be a good fit for you, and not 100% of people without your preferred attribute are going to be a bad fit.

In real life, when you meet people, you can spend time with them and develop a rapport and realize that you'd be interested in dating them even though they have certain qualities that you normally consider deal breakers.

But online, you don't have that luxury.  You're basically choosing people based on their personal resumes, and you have to screen large quantities of people out somehow.  And much like professional resumes, many people will choose to pass over someone who doesn't have enough experience. In doing so, they will likely miss out on a lot of nice guys who would be great partners. But they're also going to skip over a lot of guys who have no idea how to be in a relationship and/or are unable to commit.  That's a tradeoff that's not irrational or rude to make.

Lynn2000

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #52 on: May 24, 2013, 10:26:57 AM »
I didn't understand Twik's concern with someone saying they'd screen out people who had not had long term relationships based on age. Until I read Lynn's post above and her reference to no long term relationship=looser.

In my experience there are other reasons why someone does not want to date someone who hasn't been in a long term relationship and it has nothing to do with them being a looser.

I'm more likely to equate someone over age 25 who hasn't been in a committed relationship as someone who is either a player, a committment phobe, or very work centric.

I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

Just to clarify, I wasn't saying I personally thought Suzanne was a "loser" for having little dating experience. Just that, as presented, it seemed like she might think that of herself, hence choosing an option she thought would be more appealing but wasn't quite as accurate. And that to me was the problem, her thought process behind choosing the option she did--not the fact that she had little experience. I'd feel the same way if her situation was, "I was with a guy for seven years hoping he'd marry me, but he didn't, so we broke up. But I'm embarrassed about that, so I'm going to say my longest relationship was only 'one to two years' long."

If I, myself, had to answer that question, I'd be choosing the "less than six months" option, too, frankly, but I'm cool with that. I've just never met someone I was interested in dating. It seems fair to me that other people who are interested in my profile know that, especially because it's an important attribute to a lot of people (as evidenced by some of the other posts here).
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wolfie

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #53 on: May 24, 2013, 10:30:27 AM »
I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

That is why I wouldn't want to date someone who has never had a serious relationship. But then again when I was on the online dating sites it wasn't something I looked at either.

But that would have meant, if you were in Hmmmmm's shoes, that you would not have met a very suitable partner.

I am not sure what you mean.  Do you mean if I were Hmmmm I wouldn't have started dating her now DH? Sure - I might not have met him - but I might have met other people who fit my needs. Or I might have decided to give him a chance anyway, or I might not even have noticed his relationship status because I generally didn't pay that much attention to that part of the profile if everything else was okay. It's all a tradeoff. I also don't believe in the one soul mate idea - so I might have missed out on great guy #1, but that doesn't mean that great guy #2 or #3 isn't right around the corner.

whiterose

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #54 on: May 24, 2013, 11:30:27 AM »
It seems like dating sites make you state the length of the longest relationship does not seem to be such a good idea.

POF's shortest category is "less than a year". But that could mean anything between "I made it to the 2nd date once" and "I was with someone for 11 months and we were blissful and had just gotten engaged, but then he/she had a fatal heart attack". Hence for this thread, I broke it down into "less than 6 months" and "between 6 months and a year"- since Suzanne's longest dating someone (and my now second longest) was several dates across the span of 6 months. Not only that, but my boyfriend's now second longest relationship was less than a year- although certainly in the "between 6 months and a year" category without doubt. Glad eHarmony did not ask- not that either one of us cared anyway.

Either way- too short or too long- would make somebody look not so good. I am assuming the ideal magic length is "between 18 months and 2 years"- correct me if I am wrong. Someone on POF that I was talking to and was going to go on a date with (but stood me up) said his longest was "over 5 years" (IIRC)- I assumed that he had been married and divorced, not that he had dated someone that long and that it ended through a breakup.

Hence all this speculation about whether Suzanne having gone on several dates with the same person across the span of 6 months could pass for "between 6 months and a year", whether the right man for her would care about her relative inexperience (relative- after all, if she made it past the third date with someone, it says something good about her), and whether someone would accuse her of lying and deceit because to him "between 6 months and a year" meant "serious, exclusive, headed towards marriage, but something major happened between months 11 and 12" while to her it was "number of dates spanned between January and July and I had to use a second hand to count them".

I honestly do not think much good is coming from POF requiring people to list "length of longest relationship" on their profiles. I think that is something that should be found out through dating. While I can see it is wrong to hide a divorce or widowhood, to be honest, there are things way higher on my priority list than how long was the person's longest relationship.
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ilrag

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #55 on: May 24, 2013, 11:35:50 AM »


Either way- too short or too long- would make somebody look not so good. I am assuming the ideal magic length is "between 18 months and 2 years"- correct me if I am wrong. Someone on POF that I was talking to and was going to go on a date with (but stood me up) said his longest was "over 5 years" (IIRC)- I assumed that he had been married and divorced, not that he had dated someone that long and that it ended through a breakup.


There is no ideal magic length to have had a previous relationship.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #56 on: May 24, 2013, 12:03:10 PM »
I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

That is why I wouldn't want to date someone who has never had a serious relationship. But then again when I was on the online dating sites it wasn't something I looked at either.

But that would have meant, if you were in Hmmmmm's shoes, that you would not have met a very suitable partner.

I am not sure what you mean.  Do you mean if I were Hmmmm I wouldn't have started dating her now DH? Sure - I might not have met him - but I might have met other people who fit my needs. Or I might have decided to give him a chance anyway, or I might not even have noticed his relationship status because I generally didn't pay that much attention to that part of the profile if everything else was okay. It's all a tradeoff. I also don't believe in the one soul mate idea - so I might have missed out on great guy #1, but that doesn't mean that great guy #2 or #3 isn't right around the corner.
Since we met in real life and had to learn all this stuff overtime, I was probably 2 to 3 months into the relationship before I was aware of his lack of long term committed relationships. Had I known at the outset, I probably wouldn't have dated him. Or I would have put in emotionally in the "fun guy to date, but don't get serious" category. But life situations in our 3rd month really caused both of us to realize we had made a more serious connection. Honestly, none of his friends or my friends/family expected us to last.

And while we've had a good marriage, I'm not the type to believe everyone as one soulmate, or at least I don't. I dated some wonderful men and a couple of them would have made great life partners had I been at that state in my life when we dated.

Judah

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #57 on: May 24, 2013, 12:03:43 PM »
Either way- too short or too long- would make somebody look not so good. I am assuming the ideal magic length is "between 18 months and 2 years"- correct me if I am wrong.

It's all personal preference. One person might prefer someone who has experience in a long relationship, while someone else might want someone with little to no experience so that they wouldn't have picked up bad habits.

You want to downplay your (in your eyes) large upper arms and tiny waist, but the men viewing your profile might not even notice those things and instead focus on your eyes and chest.

All of attraction comes down to personal preference. There is no right or wrong.

Misrepresenting yourself on a dating site is dishonest and counter-productive, but the things you listed aren't even misrepresentations. Dressing in a way that flatters us and makes us feel good is what most of us do every day.
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Yvaine

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #58 on: May 24, 2013, 12:52:08 PM »
I met my DH when we were 24/25. He was a year out of college. He had never been in a relationship longer than 4 months. It was a big concern for me. Not because he was a looser, but because I didn't want to be his training ground. In my experience, guys who hadn't had serious relationships made horrible boyfriends. Of course I had other friends who loved guys who came with no baggage.

That is why I wouldn't want to date someone who has never had a serious relationship. But then again when I was on the online dating sites it wasn't something I looked at either.

But that would have meant, if you were in Hmmmmm's shoes, that you would not have met a very suitable partner.

I am not sure what you mean.  Do you mean if I were Hmmmm I wouldn't have started dating her now DH? Sure - I might not have met him - but I might have met other people who fit my needs. Or I might have decided to give him a chance anyway, or I might not even have noticed his relationship status because I generally didn't pay that much attention to that part of the profile if everything else was okay. It's all a tradeoff. I also don't believe in the one soul mate idea - so I might have missed out on great guy #1, but that doesn't mean that great guy #2 or #3 isn't right around the corner.
Since we met in real life and had to learn all this stuff overtime, I was probably 2 to 3 months into the relationship before I was aware of his lack of long term committed relationships. Had I known at the outset, I probably wouldn't have dated him. Or I would have put in emotionally in the "fun guy to date, but don't get serious" category. But life situations in our 3rd month really caused both of us to realize we had made a more serious connection. Honestly, none of his friends or my friends/family expected us to last.

I've said often that I'd never have dated my SO if I'd met him on a dating website. The. man. can. not. spell. Meeting him in person, I think I'd actually known him as an acquaintance for years before ever seeing anything he'd written, and the spark was already there. On a dating website I'd have just seen a badly spelled profile and clicked the Back button.

blarg314

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Re: Small misrepresentations- marketing, or deceit?
« Reply #59 on: May 24, 2013, 02:48:39 PM »


Either way- too short or too long- would make somebody look not so good. I am assuming the ideal magic length is "between 18 months and 2 years"- correct me if I am wrong. Someone on POF that I was talking to and was going to go on a date with (but stood me up) said his longest was "over 5 years" (IIRC)- I assumed that he had been married and divorced, not that he had dated someone that long and that it ended through a breakup.


There is no ideal magic length to have had a previous relationship.

Yeah, you can argue against pretty much any combination, particularly when all you have is a number.

Short relationships only, or no experience? Obviously something wrong with them, or they're not worth the effort of training.

Lots of relationships? Has issues, unable to maintain a committed relationship, probably something wrong with them or they'd have succeeded by now.

Divorced?  Definitely has issues, possibly a problematic ex to deal with.

Widowed/Widower?  They're probably not over their deceased spouse, and you'll never measure up.

Long relationship without marriage?  Commitment-phobe.  You'll date them for six years before realizing they really don't want to get married.

Several long relationships?  Same as above, or simply unable to function single.

A series of 18month - 2 year relationships?  Gets bored after the initial infatuation/newness wears off and moves on to someone new and exciting. Not serious relationship material.