Author Topic: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?  (Read 21840 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #45 on: May 22, 2013, 01:09:19 PM »
POD to Moray.  I hear the OP saying she doesn't want to be treated as though she is incompetent on her own.  I think the fact her father had a come to deity with her boss really drove home the impression the OP's managers apparently have of the OP that she IS incompetent on her own.  I am not saying that the OP is actually incompetent, but I think her Dad's intervention did her way more harm than good.

I also feel for the OP - this job does not seem like a good fit.  It's been a long time (years?) that she's been posting about the poor conditions of her employment at this job.  OP, I encourage you to look into other options.  Not all managers in your area can be so awful?!

DottyG

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #46 on: May 22, 2013, 01:11:07 PM »
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I had an absolutely miserable job where I literally spent 1/4 of the day getting screamed at on the phone because my boss was incompetent.

I got out of a job where I was being bullied by my boss.  I was yelled at as well and treated very badly.  I am eternally grateful that I no longer have to deal with that woman any longer.

But, the thing is, your situation and mine aren't the same thing as the OP's.  We were miserable.  We were treated badly.  We had bosses that were incompetent and horrible.  But our lives weren't also in danger.  We weren't in a hospital getting emergency help because of what we went through.  So, you're right, having our parents step in and do something would have been wrong.  We had to deal with our situations ourselves - even though our parents were behind us all the way in saying that their little girls didn't deserve that kind of treatment.  They supported us - as they should have.  But going to our bosses would have been wrong.  That's not what was happening with the OP.

Curious Cat

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #47 on: May 22, 2013, 01:19:43 PM »
Quote
I had an absolutely miserable job where I literally spent 1/4 of the day getting screamed at on the phone because my boss was incompetent.

I got out of a job where I was being bullied by my boss.  I was yelled at as well and treated very badly.  I am eternally grateful that I no longer have to deal with that woman any longer.

But, the thing is, your situation and mine aren't the same thing as the OP's.  We were miserable.  We were treated badly.  We had bosses that were incompetent and horrible.  But our lives weren't also in danger.  We weren't in a hospital getting emergency help because of what we went through.  So, you're right, having our parents step in and do something would have been wrong.  We had to deal with our situations ourselves - even though our parents were behind us all the way in saying that their little girls didn't deserve that kind of treatment.  They supported us - as they should have.  But going to our bosses would have been wrong.  That's not what was happening with the OP.

And how exactly has the OP's father helped her situation?  There's a difference between being right and being smart, and by interfering her father has made things worse for her than if he had stayed out of it.

TurtleDove

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #48 on: May 22, 2013, 01:24:22 PM »
But our lives weren't also in danger.

I still think that the OP, as a competent adult, should have handled this on her own.  To need her father to intercede for her sends the message that she cannot handle the job or her own health on her own.  It marks her as a problem employee, with an unpredictable and unreasonable family (I am not saying the Dad was unreasonable for being upset, but I do disagree with his discretion in intervening for his adult daughter at work - if it were me, I would be mortified).  Since the OP wants to fix the apparently erroneous impression her employer has of her that she is not competent, I think the OP would be better off not having her dad step in for her, which, IMO, really reinforces the negative impression the employer apparently has.

audrey1962

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #49 on: May 22, 2013, 01:45:01 PM »
POD to Moray.  I hear the OP saying she doesn't want to be treated as though she is incompetent on her own.  I think the fact her father had a come to deity with her boss really drove home the impression the OP's managers apparently have of the OP that she IS incompetent on her own.  I am not saying that the OP is actually incompetent, but I think her Dad's intervention did her way more harm than good.

I agree with this.

I don't wish to pile on, so I will change the topic slightly: at some point, you will have to handle this on your own. Next time (and I sincerely hope there isn't one) your father may not be your boss's preferred customer, or he may live hundreds of miles away or worse, be incapable of talking to your boss due to his own illness. Now is the time for building the skillset on dealing with this so that when it happens in the future you'll know what to do and not have to deal with that stress.

LeveeWoman

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #50 on: May 22, 2013, 01:47:14 PM »
Quote
I had an absolutely miserable job where I literally spent 1/4 of the day getting screamed at on the phone because my boss was incompetent.

I got out of a job where I was being bullied by my boss.  I was yelled at as well and treated very badly.  I am eternally grateful that I no longer have to deal with that woman any longer.

But, the thing is, your situation and mine aren't the same thing as the OP's.  We were miserable.  We were treated badly.  We had bosses that were incompetent and horrible.  But our lives weren't also in danger.  We weren't in a hospital getting emergency help because of what we went through.  So, you're right, having our parents step in and do something would have been wrong.  We had to deal with our situations ourselves - even though our parents were behind us all the way in saying that their little girls didn't deserve that kind of treatment.  They supported us - as they should have.  But going to our bosses would have been wrong.  That's not what was happening with the OP.

And how exactly has the OP's father helped her situation?  There's a difference between being right and being smart, and by interfering her father has made things worse for her than if he had stayed out of it.

Perhaps I've missed it, but could you show me where TexasRanger wrote that? I've seen only one mention by TexasRanger of the outcome of his speaking with the boss, this post at 9:58 today.

I would have dealt with the boss, if he was in the store. He is not a people person and will hide/make excuses when you try and speak to him. I had attempted to before and his secretary said he was "out" each time. Note, each time was a different time of the day and week. She would tell me he would be there, but he wasn't. Since my dad was a customer aka one of the people who walk on water, he was able to get in to see him. My dad opened his eyes to what was going on in the store, he had no clue, and something was finally done. Boss has only been at our store for 2 years (before that we had a better one) and has anxiety issues (can't look at people while talking,etc).

KenveeB

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #51 on: May 22, 2013, 01:54:10 PM »
Then I guess we have different definitions of what a come to deity meeting is, perhaps the OP could clarify? Because I wouldn't want to be inaccurate.

Yeah, I'm curious about that too. Because having a calm, rational, brief discussion about an issue isn't the same thing in the slightest in my mind as having a "come to deity meeting", which implies severely dressing someone down. That's influencing a lot of my response, so if something else is meant, I hope OP will clarify.

LeveeWoman

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #52 on: May 22, 2013, 01:57:11 PM »
Then I guess we have different definitions of what a come to deity meeting is, perhaps the OP could clarify? Because I wouldn't want to be inaccurate.

Yeah, I'm curious about that too. Because having a calm, rational, brief discussion about an issue isn't the same thing in the slightest in my mind as having a "come to deity meeting", which implies severely dressing someone down. That's influencing a lot of my response, so if something else is meant, I hope OP will clarify.

Curious Cat claimed her father yelled at her boss. I asked where TexasRanger.

I can imagine having that kind of discussion while being calm and rational, and speaking in at a normal volume. To me, it's in the choice of words.

audrey1962

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #53 on: May 22, 2013, 02:00:15 PM »
Then I guess we have different definitions of what a come to deity meeting is, perhaps the OP could clarify? Because I wouldn't want to be inaccurate.

Yeah, I'm curious about that too. Because having a calm, rational, brief discussion about an issue isn't the same thing in the slightest in my mind as having a "come to deity meeting", which implies severely dressing someone down. That's influencing a lot of my response, so if something else is meant, I hope OP will clarify.

Yes, that's the usual definition: "Getting called on the carpet, dressed down, or otherwise chewed out in a severe manner."
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=come%20to%20jesus


KenveeB

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #54 on: May 22, 2013, 02:07:30 PM »
Then I guess we have different definitions of what a come to deity meeting is, perhaps the OP could clarify? Because I wouldn't want to be inaccurate.

Yeah, I'm curious about that too. Because having a calm, rational, brief discussion about an issue isn't the same thing in the slightest in my mind as having a "come to deity meeting", which implies severely dressing someone down. That's influencing a lot of my response, so if something else is meant, I hope OP will clarify.

Curious Cat claimed her father yelled at her boss. I asked where TexasRanger.

I can imagine having that kind of discussion while being calm and rational, and speaking in at a normal volume. To me, it's in the choice of words.

I can't. To me, "calm and rational" is absolutely excluded by the notion of "come to deity". I think of the definition audrey quoted. So saying "had a come to deity meeting with" is completely synonomous with "yelled at" to me.

Curious Cat

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #55 on: May 22, 2013, 02:10:43 PM »
Then I guess we have different definitions of what a come to deity meeting is, perhaps the OP could clarify? Because I wouldn't want to be inaccurate.

Yeah, I'm curious about that too. Because having a calm, rational, brief discussion about an issue isn't the same thing in the slightest in my mind as having a "come to deity meeting", which implies severely dressing someone down. That's influencing a lot of my response, so if something else is meant, I hope OP will clarify.

Curious Cat claimed her father yelled at her boss. I asked where TexasRanger.

I can imagine having that kind of discussion while being calm and rational, and speaking in at a normal volume. To me, it's in the choice of words.

It was more that my definition of a "come to deity" meeting is the same as Kenvee and Audrey posted up thread.  And like Kenvee I'd appreciate clarification from the OP, and would be more than happy to apologize if she feels I was slamming her dad.  I understand his reasoning, but I don't think he has helped her and may indeed have made things worse.

turnip

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #56 on: May 22, 2013, 02:23:14 PM »
But our lives weren't also in danger.

I still think that the OP, as a competent adult, should have handled this on her own.  To need her father to intercede for her sends the message that she cannot handle the job or her own health on her own.  It marks her as a problem employee, with an unpredictable and unreasonable family (I am not saying the Dad was unreasonable for being upset, but I do disagree with his discretion in intervening for his adult daughter at work - if it were me, I would be mortified).  Since the OP wants to fix the apparently erroneous impression her employer has of her that she is not competent, I think the OP would be better off not having her dad step in for her, which, IMO, really reinforces the negative impression the employer apparently has.

To cross topics briefly - if OP had a potentially fatal dietary allergy, I think most of us would expect her to be able to manage it on her own at 23.  To know how to avoid hazards, ask for ingredient lists, manage her expectations when out in public, and stand up to anyone who said "No, really, you *have* to try out this cookie or there will be negative consequences".   It is very difficult managing illnesses in workplaces and in public, but still if my ( hypothetically allergic ) 23 year old daughter came to me and said "My boss *made* me eat a peanut butter cookie", I'd be plenty angry at the boss, but I'd mostly feel the have a long talk with my daughter about the "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" line, and when you just need to turn around and leave, whatever the consequences.  If your life and health are at risk, you *need* to learn to say no. 

TurtleDove

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #57 on: May 22, 2013, 02:24:36 PM »
turnip said it better than I did.

DottyG

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #58 on: May 22, 2013, 02:27:47 PM »
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I can imagine having that kind of discussion while being calm and rational, and speaking in at a normal volume. To me, it's in the choice of words.

I can, too.


LeveeWoman

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Re: I polite way to get the seriousness of this across?
« Reply #59 on: May 22, 2013, 02:28:57 PM »
Then I guess we have different definitions of what a come to deity meeting is, perhaps the OP could clarify? Because I wouldn't want to be inaccurate.

Yeah, I'm curious about that too. Because having a calm, rational, brief discussion about an issue isn't the same thing in the slightest in my mind as having a "come to deity meeting", which implies severely dressing someone down. That's influencing a lot of my response, so if something else is meant, I hope OP will clarify.

Curious Cat claimed her father yelled at her boss. I asked where TexasRanger.

I can imagine having that kind of discussion while being calm and rational, and speaking in at a normal volume. To me, it's in the choice of words.

I can't. To me, "calm and rational" is absolutely excluded by the notion of "come to deity". I think of the definition audrey quoted. So saying "had a come to deity meeting with" is completely synonomous with "yelled at" to me.

Such discussions my father had with me when I was young, and hte ones I have with my son now, are calm, rational and do not inolve yelling. They're delivered with a laser-like focus, and they brook no argument.