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Author Topic: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?  (Read 10261 times)

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Black Delphinium

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #30 on: May 26, 2013, 10:44:29 AM »
JeseC, are they mailing the gifts to you, or giving them to you when you visit? (I know you've mentioned living far from your parents)

Maybe, "thank you for the thought, but I have no way of transporting extra clothing home?
When angels go bad, they go worse than anyone. Remember, Lucifer was an angel. ~The Marquis De Carabas

Thipu1

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #31 on: May 26, 2013, 11:17:16 AM »
Since JeseC is 25, I see nothing wrong with gently pointing put that the clothes she's being given are not appropriate for her age and position in life. Relatives often fail to notice that younger members of the family are no longer 12 years-old. 

Sometimes, without even realizing what they're doing, older people will give you the sort of clothes that fit their image of what you should be rather than what you are. 

If all parties involved are reasonable, these things can be worked out.  If they aren't reasonable, all I can say is buy plenty of black dye or head to the nearest donation bin.   

SleepyKitty

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2013, 12:49:22 PM »
Since JeseC is 25, I see nothing wrong with gently pointing put that the clothes she's being given are not appropriate for her age and position in life. Relatives often fail to notice that younger members of the family are no longer 12 years-old. 

Sometimes, without even realizing what they're doing, older people will give you the sort of clothes that fit their image of what you should be rather than what you are. 

If all parties involved are reasonable, these things can be worked out.  If they aren't reasonable, all I can say is buy plenty of black dye or head to the nearest donation bin.   

I have to agree. I totally understand the position that you can't dictate the gifts other people give you. But OP isn't  trying to dictate. It seems utterly ridiculous to me that Party A wants to give Party B a gift that they will enjoy, and instead time after time spends money and effort on something Party B doesn't like, that will get donated or thrown out.

Obviously, OP can't say "Buy me this." But is there really no room for her to say, "I really appreciate the time and money you spent into getting my this shirt as a gift. I'm grateful for whatever you want to give me, but I did want to give you a head's up that it's really not my style. If it's no trouble, maybe next time I'd love a book (or bottle of wine, or whatever)."

To me, there's a big difference in dictating a gift ("Give me this") vs. being honest about what you'd enjoy. Personally, I'd be far more upset that a relative was throwing out or donating my gifts year after year instead of just telling me they'd prefer something different. I just can't see how wasting someone's time and money is more polite than speaking up and being honest that you just don't like a particular style.

Cami

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2013, 01:10:56 PM »
Since JeseC is 25, I see nothing wrong with gently pointing put that the clothes she's being given are not appropriate for her age and position in life. Relatives often fail to notice that younger members of the family are no longer 12 years-old. 

Sometimes, without even realizing what they're doing, older people will give you the sort of clothes that fit their image of what you should be rather than what you are. 

If all parties involved are reasonable, these things can be worked out.  If they aren't reasonable, all I can say is buy plenty of black dye or head to the nearest donation bin.   

I have to agree. I totally understand the position that you can't dictate the gifts other people give you. But OP isn't  trying to dictate. It seems utterly ridiculous to me that Party A wants to give Party B a gift that they will enjoy, and instead time after time spends money and effort on something Party B doesn't like, that will get donated or thrown out.

Obviously, OP can't say "Buy me this." But is there really no room for her to say, "I really appreciate the time and money you spent into getting my this shirt as a gift. I'm grateful for whatever you want to give me, but I did want to give you a head's up that it's really not my style. If it's no trouble, maybe next time I'd love a book (or bottle of wine, or whatever)."

To me, there's a big difference in dictating a gift ("Give me this") vs. being honest about what you'd enjoy. Personally, I'd be far more upset that a relative was throwing out or donating my gifts year after year instead of just telling me they'd prefer something different. I just can't see how wasting someone's time and money is more polite than speaking up and being honest that you just don't like a particular style.
POD

I was deeply hurt and upset when I found out that the rather expensive clothes I'd given two teen relatives for the prior Christmas had been donated to Goodwill on December 26. I'd given them what they'd asked for, but by the time Christmas rolled around, those items were not "cool" any more, so they went to Goodwill. Not being an idiot, I know teen clothing choices can change like the wind so I wouldn't have felt slighted at all if they'd told me that they no longer wanted the items and I would have made a note to just give them a GC to the mall next year. I ended up giving them nothing the next year because I was so angry. Their mother had told them not to tell me at the time because she felt it was rude. It was far more upsetting to think that that equivalent of 4 hours worth of wages ended up in a pile at Goodwill. I felt like I'd thrown my money away and not being made of money, I resented it a lot.

I'd much rather they told me the truth.

Library Dragon

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2013, 01:13:14 PM »
POD SleepyKitty

I too wouldn't want to give (general) you what (general) you don't like.  I was grateful when DS2 told me that his girlfriend (now wife) didn't really wear tshirts.  So, when traveling and picking up tshirts for DS1 & DS2 I don't get them for DIL.  I get her something else. I didn't realize it until he told me. (She wears tank tops, but not tshirts.) 

Perhaps when natural OP you can comment that your personal style has evolved into ABC and your having fun exploring wearing color A and color B.  "You wouldn't believe how many shades of beige there are!"  "Do you like my new sunglasses?  Very Barbara Stanwyck in Double Indemnity."  (Examples only, not intending to reflect OP's style.)

OP I agree with some of the advice here. Not immediately, but perhaps a couple of days later ask about a gift receipt because while it's so thoughtful the size isn't quite right. 

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JeseC

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2013, 04:15:57 PM »
POD SleepyKitty

I too wouldn't want to give (general) you what (general) you don't like.  I was grateful when DS2 told me that his girlfriend (now wife) didn't really wear tshirts.  So, when traveling and picking up tshirts for DS1 & DS2 I don't get them for DIL.  I get her something else. I didn't realize it until he told me. (She wears tank tops, but not tshirts.) 

Perhaps when natural OP you can comment that your personal style has evolved into ABC and your having fun exploring wearing color A and color B.  "You wouldn't believe how many shades of beige there are!"  "Do you like my new sunglasses?  Very Barbara Stanwyck in Double Indemnity."  (Examples only, not intending to reflect OP's style.)

OP I agree with some of the advice here. Not immediately, but perhaps a couple of days later ask ab out a gift receipt because while it's so thoughtful the size isn't quite right.

That's not a bad idea with the gift receipt.  I've been thinking of dropping hints towards "work clothes", especially as my extended family has a fair few teachers (and I do TA).  Would something like "It's so hard to find appropriate clothing to teach in that's in my size and price range!*  Especially dark colors, I've found I look so much more grown up in them.  If anyone sees anything cheap I'd love to have it!" be appropriate?  Maybe even accessorized with some appropriate whining about Things Teenagers Wear (Can you believe that awful fashion of the see-through shirt and colorful bra is back?  I thought that died in the 80's!  Seriously, the clothing out here is ridiculous!).

*These are both true statements - my area is sadly lacking in petite departments outside of upscale stores, and the junior's department that I fit into is very lacking in professionally appropriate attire.  That said, I'm quite happy wearing business casual on my own time.

Library Dragon

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #36 on: May 26, 2013, 04:41:48 PM »
I think those kind of comments are natural.  Even mention that you notice an positive response when you wear dark colored professional attire.

I would change "I would love to have it" to "let me know." It's more asking for information than gifts (and I'm not saying you are) but I would file it away in my mind if I were going to be giving you a gift.


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JeseC

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2013, 10:55:42 AM »
I think those kind of comments are natural.  Even mention that you notice an positive response when you wear dark colored professional attire.

I would change "I would love to have it" to "let me know." It's more asking for information than gifts (and I'm not saying you are) but I would file it away in my mind if I were going to be giving you a gift.

I could see that.  The only concern there is that the stores out there are very different from the stores where I am - and honestly often more expensive than I could possibly afford (I can very rarely afford to buy brand-new clothes at all).  "Let me know" would be pretty transparent, since there's no way I'd be shopping at the same places they are.  Still, it might be manageable.

daen

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #38 on: May 28, 2013, 03:24:31 PM »
I think those kind of comments are natural.  Even mention that you notice an positive response when you wear dark colored professional attire.

I would change "I would love to have it" to "let me know." It's more asking for information than gifts (and I'm not saying you are) but I would file it away in my mind if I were going to be giving you a gift.

I could see that.  The only concern there is that the stores out there are very different from the stores where I am - and honestly often more expensive than I could possibly afford (I can very rarely afford to buy brand-new clothes at all).  "Let me know" would be pretty transparent, since there's no way I'd be shopping at the same places they are.  Still, it might be manageable.

A lot of polite fictions are thin (in an "I don't refer to the fact that I've just passed gas, and you pretend you have heard or smelled nothing" sort of way) and are not just acceptable, but welcome.

zyrs

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #39 on: May 28, 2013, 11:58:08 PM »

That's not a bad idea with the gift receipt.  I've been thinking of dropping hints towards "work clothes", especially as my extended family has a fair few teachers (and I do TA).  Would something like "It's so hard to find appropriate clothing to teach in that's in my size and price range!*  Especially dark colors, I've found I look so much more grown up in them.  If anyone sees anything cheap I'd love to have it!" be appropriate?  Maybe even accessorized with some appropriate whining about Things Teenagers Wear (Can you believe that awful fashion of the see-through shirt and colorful bra is back?  I thought that died in the 80's!  Seriously, the clothing out here is ridiculous!).

*These are both true statements - my area is sadly lacking in petite departments outside of upscale stores, and the junior's department that I fit into is very lacking in professionally appropriate attire.  That said, I'm quite happy wearing business casual on my own time.

I think this is a great idea with the modifications proposed by other posters.

squeakers

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Re: Polite way to indicate "please don't give me more of X"?
« Reply #40 on: May 29, 2013, 04:32:19 AM »
"Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl."

"Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!"

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085334/trivia?tab=qt&ref_=tt_trv_qu

(Ralphie gets a pink sleeper with a bunny ears hood from his Aunt Clara.)

Sometimes you have to put up with gifts that are not to your taste.  And sometimes you don't.  I was once gifted a lovely wool hat and glove set.  I had to immediately give it back to the gifter and explain I am allergic to the oils in wool. (MIL.. did not want to get wool ensembles for the next 40 years.)  I still get chocolate and coffee for every gift giving holiday because that's an easy gift and I used to be able to eat/drink them with impunity and revelry.  (Various people including my DH who forgets I just don't do those all that often.  Luckily I have teen boys who will eat the choccies and drink the coffees.)

I'd be wearing their offerings as around the house cleaning clothes.  Seems like my favorite sweats always get bleach stained or snags/tears.
"I feel sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." "It is so low, in fact, that Miss Manners feels sure you would not want to resort to it yourself, even in your own defense. We do not believe in retaliatory rudeness." Judith Martin