Author Topic: Getting my ducks in a row  (Read 6236 times)

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onemagicmummy

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Getting my ducks in a row
« on: May 23, 2013, 05:59:02 PM »
My brother apparently got engaged yesterday.  I haven't been "officially" told but I don't expect to. 

It's long and complicated but suffice to say my brother and mother do not agree with some life choices that were made in my life over the past few months, choices that lead to divorce and a new partner ( who proposed to me last week, I said yes)
Now, I am expecting that my new partner will not be included on the invitation to my brothers wedding, if there is to be one and if my children and I get one.  I am of the mind that my fiancé and I are a social unit, and if he is not invited, I will not be attending.  Neither will my kids, unless their father is invited and he takes them (his time, his rules)

Would a polite "I'm afraid the children and I won't be attending, we hope you have a wonderful day, best wishes and congratulations" be ok?   

Also, as an aside, my children have non traditional hairstyles (4 have dyed Mohawks, 1 has dyed hair) they intend to keep these styles for a while,  should they still have and want these alternative styles when my brother does get married, if he were to "request" (by request i mean demand) the children's hair be cut to look "normal" would it be appropriate to use "I'm sorry that wont be possible" if the children don't want to change their hair (the kids are home educated, which is why they have different hair styles)   

I hope I have put this in the right board. 

Thank you

Kiz

guihong

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2013, 06:11:57 PM »
1. Yes, if you get an invitation and your fiance's name is not on it.  (Congratulations, by the way).   I am a little confused, though; why would the childrens' father have to be invited?

2. Yes.  I'd leave their hair alone.  Presumably, they wouldn't be in the wedding party or an usher (but they would still be in the right even if in the wedding party).



kherbert05

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2013, 07:42:32 PM »
1. Yes, if you get an invitation and your fiance's name is not on it.  (Congratulations, by the way).   I am a little confused, though; why would the childrens' father have to be invited?

Because the brother might invite the xDH but not the fiance. If that happens XDH is welcome to take the kids as is, but she will not be attending without her Fiance.

OP I think you are taking the right stance
1. You and your Fiance are a unit. If he isn't invited you should decline.
2. You are respecting your kids choices*. If their uncle doesn't like them as is he doesn't get to see them.
3. You are being very civil about the fact your ex might be invited.


In other words you are being much more mature/grown up/civil that your brother or Mom.

*I'm happy that my district  has pretty much given up enforcing rules about hair styles unless criminal gang symbols are involved. A neighboring district ran up a huge legal bill trying to force a 5 yo to cut his hair that he was growing for religious reasons. The voters/tax payers got mad.
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Magnet

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2013, 08:32:27 PM »
Does your brother know you are engaged? If not, perhaps you can inform him now to avoid this potential problem. 

Sharnita

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2013, 09:49:19 PM »
I can see why the children''s father might be invited.  The family might still have a good relationship with him I don't think they are always required to break off ties, in fact when there are kids involved it seems like a good thing to at least be cordial with the parent of your grandkids. nieces, nephews.

As far as the kids, I would ask them what they think/want. Can they do something that might minimize the hair without cutting it? Brushing/combing it different or holding off on the color?  If so are they willing to do so?

I think it is fine to explain that you are part of a social unit and that you don't feel comfortable attending without DF.

gramma dishes

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2013, 10:02:40 PM »
...    "I'm afraid the children and I won't be attending, we hope you have a wonderful day, best wishes and congratulations"  ....


I wouldn't say this unless or until you know absolutely, positively that their father was not invited because if he was, the children may indeed be attending .  But if they issue an invitation to just you and the children without your fiance, I would just say the above without mentioning the kids at all.  "I'm afraid I will not be able to attend.  Hope you have ...."

But at least give your brother a chance.  He may not even know you're currently engaged.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2013, 10:32:50 PM »
Since your kids are old enough to choose hair styles I would think they are old enough to decide if they wish to attend their uncle's wedding or modify their appearance at their grandmother's request. I would let them decide.

It is up to you if you do not wish to attend for any reason. But given that the engagement hasn't been announced, wouldn't there be some time before the wedding? Is it possible the family disharmony will die down some? Or are you expecting to always be a factor in your relationship?

Twik

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2013, 11:08:37 PM »
Are you currently divorced, or waiting for it to be finalized? Because it is generally believed you are not a social unit with one partner while currently married to another.
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onemagicmummy

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2013, 04:09:46 AM »
They are official engaged, well, the posted a photo of the ring on Facebook.  I'm not sure if my brother knows I'm engaged too, but my mum probably told him. 

My ex and I are on good terms, still friends.  We are divorced, it was finalised in March, it was an amicable split.  I can't see why my brother wouldn't invite him, he is the father of his nieces and nephews.

The children are 10, 8, 7, 5 and 3(nearly 4). 

The family disharmony has been round for a while.  My brother and I have never seen eye to eye.  My mum spent years trying to talking me into having the family she thought was best (as in only have one child, then two, she tried talking my ex in to getting a vasectomy after our 2nd was born) she was against the home education.  She blamed herself when it became public I have an alternative view of relationship structure.  It's nothing to do with her, it's who I am. 

She is known for guilt tripping me.  I won't allow her to do that anymore. 

When it comes to it, If my brother or his fiancée ask the children to change their hair, I will ask them if they want to, if they don't, the won't have to.  If they invite my ex,  but not my fiancé, I will decline my invitation, but the ex can take the kids. 

It could turn out to be an interesting few months!  And I aim to keep a calm polite attitude and just get on living my life for me, my children and my fiancé. 



MariaE

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2013, 04:39:39 AM »
I think that's a very sensible (and healthy!) attitude to have to the entire situation.
 
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GSNW

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2013, 01:44:46 PM »
The potential for asking the kids to modify their hair really bugs me.  You invite people to an event, and while it's OK to dictate the formality, it's not okay to say, "but your hair is not appropriate - you need to change it for my event."  You either want someone there as a guest or not, their hairstyle shouldn't figure into it (or if having Patsy Purplehair there will seriously ruin your event, don't invite her).

I was one of those teenagers that routinely wore 4-5 threaded friendship bracelets, and the idea was that you wore them in perpetuity - until they fell off - so they could get kinda ratty.  My mom and I once had a major blowup over me wearing them with a nice dress to a family event, and she simply didn't understand why they were important to me.  I can equate a personal hairstyle choice with that - and I wish other people wouldn't try so hard to dictate stuff like that. 

gramma dishes

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #11 on: May 24, 2013, 01:57:22 PM »
...    I can equate a personal hairstyle choice with that - and I wish other people wouldn't try so hard to dictate stuff like that.

I agree with you, but we need to keep in mind that we don't even know whether or not the children are going to be invited to this wedding and if they are, whether or not they will choose to attend.  So deciding that it is unfair to ask children to modify their hairdos seems a little premature, since they may not be invited and if they are there may be nothing mentioned at all about altering their hair styles.

GSNW

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2013, 02:11:54 PM »
This whole thing is speculation.  OP *just* found out about her brother's engagement, she is, in my view, simply gearing up to deal politely with whatever comes from her family (based on their past behavior).  Why is it premature to offer an opinion on something she's indicated might become an issue?

Magnet

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2013, 02:34:21 PM »
This whole thing is speculation.  OP *just* found out about her brother's engagement, she is, in my view, simply gearing up to deal politely with whatever comes from her family (based on their past behavior).  Why is it premature to offer an opinion on something she's indicated might become an issue?
.

Of course its speculation, and who said it was premature to inquire about an issue?  The OP can make things easier by not assuming her brother knows about her engaged status, and clearly it wouldn't hurt for her to inform her brother of this fact.  That's a fair and sensible possible solution.

The hair is a non-issue, in my opinion, and so is the fact that OP's ex may be invited. 

GSNW

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2013, 03:28:26 PM »
Of course its speculation, and who said it was premature to inquire about an issue? 


So deciding that it is unfair to ask children to modify their hairdos seems a little premature, since they may not be invited and if they are there may be nothing mentioned at all about altering their hair styles.

My response to what gramma dishes said.  OP asked a question about a potential issue, I gave my opinion.

*Edited for clarity.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2013, 03:31:51 PM by GSNW »