Author Topic: Getting my ducks in a row  (Read 6186 times)

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BeagleMommy

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2013, 03:40:29 PM »
OP, once you have informed your family of your engagement if your brother does not invite your fiance you are perfectly justified in not attending.

If they ask the kids to change their hair and the kids don't want to do so, tell them:

The kids and I like their hair as it is.  If you don't want them to attend, I'll keep them home with me.

White Lotus

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2013, 03:50:12 PM »
"Dear Bro, I am so sorry, but I can't come to your wedding.  I have plans I can't change. I wish you and Bride every happiness and Fiance and I hope to see you both soon.  Kids are scheduled to be with their dad that weekend, so please talk to Dadname about their attendance."

Since you and their dad get on, it isn't hard to tell him the concern with the children attending, and let him work it out.  He is their father, and that weekend is his turn.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2013, 05:44:43 PM »
Do you want to go? If so, reply that both of you will be attending.  If your brother wants to exclude your fiance, he'll need to do it directly (and then you can tell him exactly why you won't be going).

m2kbug

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #18 on: May 26, 2013, 02:50:10 AM »
I can see why the children''s father might be invited.  The family might still have a good rel@tionship with him I don't think they are always required to break off ties, in fact when there are kids involved it seems like a good thing to at least be cordial with the parent of your grandkids. nieces, nephews.

I would not be pleased.  We're divorced, they lost him in the divorce.  Of course I can't dictate who gets to be friends with whom, but I would have something to say to my sibling and family if they were still pals with the ex. 

OP, I think your plan is fine.  Send a nice card and a gift if the fiance isn't invited and that's all you have to do.   I would certainly share the news of your engagement to avoid any problems for the invitation.  If he is still not invited, back to the original plan.

I would not cut the the kids' hair according to the what the couple wants for their wedding or gramma wants.  If this means they are not in the wedding party (if this was even a plan) or this is a condition of attendance, there are some choices to make.  This is one of those facts of life.  They can style it and dye it normal colored if they wish, or cut to be more traditional or opt not to go.  I would let them make that choice.  If your ex fusses about it, you two will have to duke it out. 

mbbored

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #19 on: May 26, 2013, 03:14:25 AM »
I would not be pleased.  We're divorced, they lost him in the divorce.  Of course I can't dictate who gets to be friends with whom, but I would have something to say to my sibling and family if they were still pals with the ex. 

That makes me a little sad. I have two uncles who divorced their first wives (one on either side), and even though both have remarried to really lovely women, my siblings and I are still close to our "original aunts." We email, exchange Christmas cards, we go to visit them, they ship us homemade cookies. They don't attend every family occasion but do go to the big ones like weddings and funerals. I'd have been upset if one of my uncles had told me that because he was getting a divorce I could no longer count my aunts as family.

Granted both divorces were fairly amicable with no issues with abuse, just "incompatibility."

m2kbug

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #20 on: May 26, 2013, 03:42:26 AM »
I would not be pleased.  We're divorced, they lost him in the divorce.  Of course I can't dictate who gets to be friends with whom, but I would have something to say to my sibling and family if they were still pals with the ex. 

That makes me a little sad. I have two uncles who divorced their first wives (one on either side), and even though both have remarried to really lovely women, my siblings and I are still close to our "original aunts." We email, exchange Christmas cards, we go to visit them, they ship us homemade cookies. They don't attend every family occasion but do go to the big ones like weddings and funerals. I'd have been upset if one of my uncles had told me that because he was getting a divorce I could no longer count my aunts as family.

Granted both divorces were fairly amicable with no issues with abuse, just "incompatibility."

You, as the children, have a different rel@tionship.  You, as a wife, might distance yourself from the ex's family.  You as a sister, might distance your friendship with your ex-brother-in-law.  Does that make sense? 

A lot of it probably has to do with the post-divorce rel@tionship and reason for breakup as well.  Everybody is going to work out their rel@tionships to their comfort level.  Some of them we may not be happy with.  I won't go into any more detail since it's getting off the topic.  I do find it odd that the ex would be invited, though.

MariaE

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #21 on: May 26, 2013, 03:43:55 AM »
I would not be pleased.  We're divorced, they lost him in the divorce.  Of course I can't dictate who gets to be friends with whom, but I would have something to say to my sibling and family if they were still pals with the ex. 

That makes me a little sad. I have two uncles who divorced their first wives (one on either side), and even though both have remarried to really lovely women, my siblings and I are still close to our "original aunts." We email, exchange Christmas cards, we go to visit them, they ship us homemade cookies. They don't attend every family occasion but do go to the big ones like weddings and funerals. I'd have been upset if one of my uncles had told me that because he was getting a divorce I could no longer count my aunts as family.

Granted both divorces were fairly amicable with no issues with abuse, just "incompatibility."

I agree with this. My BIL got divorced a couple of years back, I still hang out with my ex-SIL. I don't invite her to casual events, but a major milestone she would be invited to.

Again, this was a very amicable divorce. I'd probably view it very different otherwise.
 
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m2kbug

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #22 on: May 26, 2013, 04:07:08 AM »
I would not be pleased.  We're divorced, they lost him in the divorce.  Of course I can't dictate who gets to be friends with whom, but I would have something to say to my sibling and family if they were still pals with the ex. 

That makes me a little sad. I have two uncles who divorced their first wives (one on either side), and even though both have remarried to really lovely women, my siblings and I are still close to our "original aunts." We email, exchange Christmas cards, we go to visit them, they ship us homemade cookies. They don't attend every family occasion but do go to the big ones like weddings and funerals. I'd have been upset if one of my uncles had told me that because he was getting a divorce I could no longer count my aunts as family.

Granted both divorces were fairly amicable with no issues with abuse, just "incompatibility."

I agree with this. My BIL got divorced a couple of years back, I still hang out with my ex-SIL. I don't invite her to casual events, but a major milestone she would be invited to.

Again, this was a very amicable divorce. I'd probably view it very different otherwise.

Major milestones for ME, no, I would not include the exes.  But with my marriage...there was "stuff"...so no, I scaled back the friendships that kept the ex.  I have never known lots of double friendships post-divorce.  Everything divides.  I know it's not like that for everyone, but that has been my experience, which stinks, but life isn't fair.  Again, it really depends on the dynamics of the couple/divorce.  It would not fly for me.  I can't dictate who others hang out with, just who I hang out with and where my comfort zone is. 

For my kids YES, of course the exes would blend for major milestones. 

Sharnita

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #23 on: May 26, 2013, 08:45:02 AM »
See, let's say something happened to my sibling - heaven forbid.  If I have maintained a cordial relationship and open lines of communication with their ex then chanves are much better that I will continue to see my nieces and nephews, they will hear positive things in general about that side of the family, etc. Even if nothing extreme like that happens, if they can see us maintain a friendly relationship and be pleasant then I think that it takes a lot of stress off of the kids.  Now, there are circumstnces like abuse or other things where that would not be possible but I would not default to "weird" unless I knew that was the case in a divorce. And the truth is that even if you love your brother/sister/son/daughter/mother/father - somethimes you know they were the person who cheated, left, etc.  Why would I end my relationship with the in-law if it was my relative who took that kind of action?

Oh Joy

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #24 on: May 26, 2013, 11:18:37 AM »
A wedding could easily be a year or two out.  I'm hopeful that some of the transitional dust will settle before invitations are issued.  If not, your planned response sounds fine.

Regarding the kids' hair, this may be a good learning opportunity for them.  Unlike at many other events, a courteous wedding guest dresses for the occasion but with an intent to not unduly distract from the bride and groom.  It could be an interesting thought process to experience with them, and they may choose to experiment with different hair that week, or dress more traditionally, or another idea.

Best wishes on both upcoming weddings.

NyaChan

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #25 on: May 26, 2013, 11:31:37 AM »
I can see why the children''s father might be invited.  The family might still have a good rel@tionship with him I don't think they are always required to break off ties, in fact when there are kids involved it seems like a good thing to at least be cordial with the parent of your grandkids. nieces, nephews.

I would not be pleased.  We're divorced, they lost him in the divorce.  Of course I can't dictate who gets to be friends with whom, but I would have something to say to my sibling and family if they were still pals with the ex. 

OP, I think your plan is fine.  Send a nice card and a gift if the fiance isn't invited and that's all you have to do.   I would certainly share the news of your engagement to avoid any problems for the invitation.  If he is still not invited, back to the original plan.

I would not cut the the kids' hair according to the what the couple wants for their wedding or gramma wants.  If this means they are not in the wedding party (if this was even a plan) or this is a condition of attendance, there are some choices to make.  This is one of those facts of life.  They can style it and dye it normal colored if they wish, or cut to be more traditional or opt not to go.  I would let them make that choice.  If your ex fusses about it, you two will have to duke it out.

I completely see where you are coming from.  In my family divorce changes the relationship between everyone, not just the people getting divorced.  While I was polite to my cousin's ex-wife when I ran into her overseas, I did the small talk, but nothing that would clue people in to her previous familial relationship to me, and she studiously avoided the rest of our family (she had always had a soft spot for me as I apparently reminded her of herself - scary when you consider she tried to smother my cousin with a pillow and threw a phone at my aunt's head and then locked her in a room).  She really burned her bridges, but even in other cases where things were more amicable, the exes have not made any effort to keep in touch, and we have not made any effort ourselves.  They have new lives now and so do we. 

onemagicmummy

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #26 on: May 27, 2013, 06:16:27 AM »
Thanks for all the replies.  My brothers wedding is planned for 2015.  If I can get the venue for the reception I would like mine could be May next year.  A simple registry office ceremony followed by a kick behind party at a cafe restaurant on the beach.  Fun, informal, with a "free your inner child"  kinda theme. 



My ex and I are on good terms, and as the father of my children I would not be bothered if he was invited to family events on my side of the family. 

My mother isn't taking my new well according to my sister, she said to my step dad "I don't even think I can go"  well....kinda speaks volumes to me, but I will still be inviting her.  Then the ball is in her court and she can come, or not.  But if she makes a scene, she will be asked to leave.   This is not about her.  If she can't accept I am who I am, that's her issue, not mine.   If she insists on making a judgment of my fiancÚ without meeting him, that's her issue, not ours. 


JacklynHyde

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #27 on: May 27, 2013, 12:31:40 PM »
The fact that your fiance will be your husband by the time your brother's wedding rolls around may change the dynamic a little.  It's one thing to say, "No dates."  It's another thing to refuse to invite a new BIL to a major family event.

gramma dishes

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #28 on: May 27, 2013, 01:42:07 PM »
The fact that your fiance will be your husband by the time your brother's wedding rolls around may change the dynamic a little.  It's one thing to say, "No dates."  It's another thing to refuse to invite a new BIL to a major family event.

Yes,  2015 is a long way away.  A lot of things could change before then.  I was under the impression that the wedding invitations were on the verge of being sent out for a wedding happening in the near future.  That date kind of changes the whole perspective.

Roe

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Re: Getting my ducks in a row
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2013, 11:26:33 AM »
I would not be pleased.  We're divorced, they lost him in the divorce.  Of course I can't dictate who gets to be friends with whom, but I would have something to say to my sibling and family if they were still pals with the ex. 

That makes me a little sad. I have two uncles who divorced their first wives (one on either side), and even though both have remarried to really lovely women, my siblings and I are still close to our "original aunts." We email, exchange Christmas cards, we go to visit them, they ship us homemade cookies. They don't attend every family occasion but do go to the big ones like weddings and funerals. I'd have been upset if one of my uncles had told me that because he was getting a divorce I could no longer count my aunts as family.

Granted both divorces were fairly amicable with no issues with abuse, just "incompatibility."

I agree with this. My BIL got divorced a couple of years back, I still hang out with my ex-SIL. I don't invite her to casual events, but a major milestone she would be invited to.

Again, this was a very amicable divorce. I'd probably view it very different otherwise.

I agree.  My parents are divorced and my uncles continued to see my dad as a "brother" for a long time after the divorce. I'm glad they did.  It helped us transition from one phase to another.  If my mom's family had "disowned" my dad as part of the family, they would've lost me and my brothers in the process.