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Author Topic: Is it really rude S/O SS Thread  (Read 11207 times)

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Re: Is it really rude S/O SS Thread
« Reply #15 on: July 05, 2013, 07:35:52 PM »

I think what would be best would be to say to the friends "We can't afford to host a party. If you want to throw one for us, or take us out for dinner, we'd be delighted".

In other words, if it's so important to their friends to have a party, their friends should be willing to throw a party, right? And having friends host a party to celebrate your wedding would be perfectly fine, etiquette wise.

I have actually been invited to a bring your own food drink and chair BBQ in a public park after some classmates got married, and I remember thinking that hey, if they want to throw a bit party, I don't mind casual, but they could at least provide some hamburgers, chips and pop. It's a bit much to be invited to a party to celebrate someone else's wedding and have it be both totally pay your own way and kind of inconvenient.


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Re: Is it really rude S/O SS Thread
« Reply #16 on: July 05, 2013, 09:35:09 PM »
I think A and E should get married at the JP if that is what they want and forget about inviting people to join them for a celebration dinner, whether restaurant or picnic.  This is not a group of friends getting together, each paying their own way; it is to celebrate a marriage.

I agree with others who suggest marrying at JP, then hold a simple cake/cookies/punch reception.  Host what you can afford to host.  Otherwise keep the celebration to HC and their parents.  To the others: "We are having a wedding--the wedding that we want to have."  Repeat, repeat, repeat.


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Re: Is it really rude S/O SS Thread
« Reply #17 on: July 08, 2013, 03:51:22 PM »
A scenario-
Adam and Eve are in love and decide to get married. They are totally broke, but for many reasons still want to get married.
They are happy to just go and see a JoP/registrar and have parents as witnesses. People keep telling them what a shame it is they are not having a "wedding" and how much they want to share the day with them.

Their reply should be something like,
Thank you for your thoughts but this is the wedding we want.
Full stop.

Really, there's no need to justify their choice, whatever it is. If Aunt Mary is insisting that Adam and Eve do their wedding her way, then she is the rude one.

Honestly, I don't like the idea of the dutch wedding as you suggest and agree with the "give the party you can afford (and want to give)" philosophy.

So yeah. If they want to do a cake and punch reception, great. If they decide they do want to host dinner at a restaurant, fine. And if they decide that they want to do absolutely nothing, well, that's fine too. And their friends will just have to buck up and accept that.


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Re: Is it really rude S/O SS Thread
« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2013, 08:43:55 AM »
I'm not wild about either idea but the picnic sounds the better choice of the two.

I can also see the, 'We're having dinner at X.  Stop by if you like' idea posing real problems for the restaurant.  Imagine all these friends popping in about the same time with no reservations.  The results could be chaotic. 


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Re: Is it really rude S/O SS Thread
« Reply #19 on: July 09, 2013, 09:51:38 AM »
The restaurant version seems a little weird to me, and likely to impose on the restaurant--disorganized, people not calling ahead, everyone sitting in the same section, etc..

Otherwise I think it depends on what Adam and Eve really want. If they definitely want a party, they need to host the party they can afford. That could be a light cake-and-punch reception in a public building or a friend's home; or it could be a potluck where everyone (including them) contribute something, if that's generally done in their social circle. Or, honestly, sometimes there are people (like parents, perhaps) that you can say to, "We would really like something bigger, but we can't afford it. Would you be able to help us out, since you also want us to have something bigger?" I don't think this is strictly polite and it should not be broadcast on Facebook to all and sundry, but there may be some people where the relationship permits that kind of conversation.

If they're cool with a gathering of people but would also be cool being alone, the "bring your own meal" picnic is kind of nice. Just in case I think they should have some extra soft drinks and maybe cups/napkins/plates/silverware on hand--that kind of stuff can be bought cheaply and doesn't go bad, so they can use it themselves if few people attend, and it shows they've given some thought to the people they mentioned the event to.

What about something like, "After the ceremony we'll be at Bar X from 5pm to 7pm, if anyone wants to drop by." No food involved, but people can stop in for ten minutes, have a beer, and wish them well; and it would be casual enough that I don't think people who show up would expect anything paid for or organized. That really depends on your group of guests though--Grandma or your cousins with young kids or whatever might not appreciate this type of "reception" much.

If they really don't want a party but are feeling family pressure, I think they need to stand up and say, "We're having the wedding that we want." The end, no further options given. I think if it's Great Aunt Matilda saying, "You need to have a 'proper' wedding reception!" she's not going to be satisfied with a bring-your-own-meal picnic or a potluck, and possibly not even cake-and-punch, you know? So unless she's putting up the money and the HC agree to do whatever she wants as long as she pays the bill, she's not going to be happy (and my guess is she also won't be happy to pay!). So Great Aunt Matilda is never going to be happy, basically, in which case the HC might as well do what makes them happy (with the caveat of showing consideration for their guests, if they invite guests).


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Re: Is it really rude S/O SS Thread
« Reply #20 on: July 09, 2013, 04:33:18 PM »
I really feel like whenever you host a party, it has to be a party you can afford to host. If you can't afford to host people at a restaurant, that is absolutely fine, but then you can't have the party at a restaurant. Have a dessert tea at you house with lemonade, tea, coffee, and a few desserts. Or something even smaller and less formal if you need to. It's OK to have something really small, but the important thing is for the hosts to do the hosting, which includes paying for the party.

I agree with every word of this.