Author Topic: Adult siblings and family holidays - Update #15  (Read 4583 times)

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missmolly

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Adult siblings and family holidays - Update #15
« on: May 25, 2013, 12:20:17 AM »
This is mostly theoretical, but I would like e-hell's perspective on it nonetheless.

In the not-too-distant future I would like to take my parents on a trip to the US. This would be an expensive trip that would require a lot of planning and saving, but I would like to bear the cost entirely as a gift to my parents. Both have wanted to visit the US for a number of years, and my father has a relative there that he would be delighted to visit.

I have one sibling, Trent. While it would be nice for him to come along, to make a family trip, I have to admit that I am not really willing to add to my expenses and pay for his trip as well. It should be noted that neither of us have families or partners that need to be considered. This situation may change  in the future but for now, he would be the only other person to enter the equation.

If I do go ahead with this holiday, can I say to Trent: "Hey, I'm paying for Mum and Dad, if you'd like to come along here are airline prices, and accommodation fees"? I know that with most things it would be more practical to book as a four, so if he accepts should I say: "This costs $$, your share is $"?

Incidentally, has anyone done a big family holiday as an adult with their siblings? How did you handle costs, planning, etc?
« Last Edit: May 29, 2013, 09:06:10 AM by missmolly »
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

NyaChan

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2013, 12:24:15 AM »
I would explain that you are gifting a trip to your parents and then follow it up with extending him an invite.  "I was thinking it might be a nice family trip you are able to join us.  The fare/hotels/etc. are working out to about $X/person - I'll cover Mom and Dad of course.  Do you think you might be interested in coming with us?  If so, we can coordinate our planning and buy tickets at the same time."  I think with that sort of wording you make it clear that you aren't expecting him to pitch in on the gift portion, but also aren't planning to pay for him.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2013, 12:40:52 AM »
Nothing wrong with giving him the option of coming (as early in advance as you can, since vacations can be pricey!) and giving him as good an estimate of the cost as you can.  I would suggest doing all your homework first so you can give him a total price when you bring up the subject: "If you're interested, I can add you on to the things I'm already planning for about $X.  We'll be flying to USCity, doing X, Y, and Z, and using ABC accommodations.  I can give you a more detailed breakdown if you like!  Let me know by suchandsuch a date, since I really do want to start making reservations."

Sharnita

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2013, 05:44:53 AM »
Would all adults be "in charge" of planning this trip or would you plan it and they would be your guests? One thing that can be sticky, depending on personalities, is that each person involved might have their own idea of where to go and what to do/eat/see.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2013, 07:52:28 AM »
I would have a sit down with Trent and say, "Hey, this is what I would like to do for mom and dad.  I think it would be great for you to come along also if possible, but you will have to pay your own way completely.  Is this doable for you or should I start making plans for just the three of us?"

And let him know that you cannot pay anything up front for him and expect to be paid back. He either pays when it is due or he is not included.

Venus193

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2013, 07:58:23 AM »
I would have a sit down with Trent and say, "Hey, this is what I would like to do for mom and dad.  I think it would be great for you to come along also if possible, but you will have to pay your own way completely.  Is this doable for you or should I start making plans for just the three of us?"

And let him know that you cannot pay anything up front for him and expect to be paid back. He either pays when it is due or he is not included.

This.  It leaves no room for ambiguity.

Hopefull

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2013, 09:00:03 AM »
Also if your brother does decide to he wants to go with you all make you should have his money in hand if you plan to make the reservations.

BTW super awesome gift for your parents.
I felt this thrill going up my leg!

something.new.every.day

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2013, 11:58:37 AM »
Would all adults be "in charge" of planning this trip or would you plan it and they would be your guests? One thing that can be sticky, depending on personalities, is that each person involved might have their own idea of where to go and what to do/eat/see.

Pod. If Trent is expected to pay, will you give him any say in the planning?

Mikayla

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2013, 05:28:09 PM »
^This is where it gets tricky.  It might make sense to work out a general itinerary, with the major cities you plan to visit and/or where mom and dad want to go.  I'd imagine there might be 3 or so, correct?  Once you have that part nailed down, you can approach bro and he'll know the major stuff before accepting.

There's no necessity for all 4 of you to be joined at the hip for all activities.  If, say, one city is DC and the parents want to view monuments, you and bro can go to museums if you prefer.

Roe

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2013, 07:18:18 PM »
One thing to consider, how would you feel if your parents decide that they can't leave Trent behind and pay his way, while you still pay their way?  If you are okay with that, then see if Trent can join the family.  If it would bother you to pay for your parents while they pay for Trent, then don't invite him. 

missmolly

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2013, 08:10:41 AM »
Would all adults be "in charge" of planning this trip or would you plan it and they would be your guests? One thing that can be sticky, depending on personalities, is that each person involved might have their own idea of where to go and what to do/eat/see.
Pod. If Trent is expected to pay, will you give him any say in the planning?

This is one thing to consider. I think the one thing that we would all want to do is go to City X to visit our relative. While Dad is itching to see Washington and Mum wants to do Vegas, I sincerely doubt that Trent would want to go to either.
When my cousins went overseas for Relative's wedding, one went to San Fran to explore on her own and another went to Mexico. I don't know if Trent has ever planned on going to the US, but one way he might get the most of the trip is if he followed his own itinerary and then met up with us when we go to City X.
But at the end of the day, this is a gift to my parents, so I'm basing the itinerary on their needs/wants.


One thing to consider, how would you feel if your parents decide that they can't leave Trent behind and pay his way, while you still pay their way?  If you are okay with that, then see if Trent can join the family.  If it would bother you to pay for your parents while they pay for Trent, then don't invite him. 

If my parents were determined to pay Trent's way, it wouldn't bother me. I don't think he'd accept though, because my parents' offer would be to do all the cities they want to do, not giving him the opportunity to visit the cities he particularly wants to see. More importantly, we're fairly close and I definitely don't want to shut him out of this, not without giving him the right of refusal.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

Thipu1

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #11 on: May 26, 2013, 10:24:09 AM »
You say that you and Trent are fairly close.  Since you get along well, I'd just lay out the options and the two of you can work out how you want to handle things. 

We have taken family trips with the ILs and, aside from the sort of minor glitches that happen when adults travel together, the experience has been very pleasant. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #12 on: May 26, 2013, 10:34:51 AM »
I believe that since you are bearing the full cost of your parents trips you get to set the parameters.

Trip, I want to take mom and dad on a trip to the US in the summer of 2014. I'm planning the last two weeks of June. I want to to go to x, y, z. I plan to pay the full cost of their and my trip. I'd love for you to come too, but you'd need to pay your own expenses. I think it will be between $3-4K depending on air fare and personal expenses. Are you interested?

If he visit not interested in bathe cities you and your parents want Tom visit then he can say no. But don't get intoning a negotiation because it will cause resentment on both sides. Or worse, you'll end up footing a lot higher bill to add on his preferred locals.

NyaChan

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2013, 11:34:03 AM »
I think this is easily done - tell him where you are planning on going, how much the costs should be for that version of the trip.  Give him the option of booking with you if he wants it.  He doesn't have to go to all of those places.  Let him know that you don't expect him to stick to you like glue.  He is free to skip the visiting of relatives to go check out the giant ball of yarn if it pleases him :)

bopper

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Re: Adult siblings and family holidays
« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2013, 08:54:34 AM »
I agree with others...present the trip and itinerary as a fait accompli...no negotiating, just here it is.