Author Topic: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter  (Read 28512 times)

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aiki

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"Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. You need to stop being so dingdangity selfish and accept that they are a important part of my life now, I spent 24 years taking care of you and I deserve happiness. Robert has been good to me. He loves me and he takes care of me. He is a good person. I honestly can't believe my daughter is trying to deny me happiness"

That attempt to shift blame, coupled with her refusal to meet with you, sounds like a guilty concience talking.

She's made a huge change in her life in splitting up with her husband, hurt her children in the process, and is now coping with the emotional fallout really badly. Although falling into another relationship so quickly with someone who seems to have a poor sense of boundaries sends up all sorts of red flags, since she's able to talk with her sister she's probably not landed in an abusive situation.

I think you can safely maintain a distant, watching brief through her sister, recognise that the hurtful things she's saying are about her, and not about you (because you're not rude, you're not selfish, and you do want your mother to be happy in the long run, right?), and wait for her defensive reaction to die down a bit before attempting to contact her again.

It's also totally OK to be hurt by the "our family" statement. Wow. 

"A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude."  - Oscar Wilde

Corvid

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #106 on: August 18, 2013, 11:54:05 PM »
Oh, honey.  I am so sorry.

I am the child of multiple divorces and grew up seeing divorces all around me.  From my past experiences and observations, I have to guess that it's quite possible your mom is in a somewhat self-centered honeymoon phase with her new guy and doesn't want the sticky emotional fall-out from her split with your dad to "ruin the mood".  Her children feeling bad about her split with their father makes her feel bad and she doesn't want to deal with that, so if you would all just immediately play along with her little Brady Bunch fantasy then she could be comfortable and everything would be peachy.  That she's had such an over-the-top reaction to a perfectly normal request from you, that you be given a little more time to process things, shows how very illogical she is being about this.  I mean, really?  You're trying to deny her happiness?  That's pretty melodramatic.  Her punishing you by giving you the silent treatment is pretty melodramatic too, and hurtful.

Whether your Mom and Robert like it or not, it takes kids some time to process it when parents split and you cannot force a child (and I'm talking about grown children too) to immediately accept a new mate.  It just does not work and often leads to resentment on the part of the child.  You and Robert will have to build your own relationship and that may not happen overnight no matter how much your mother wants it.  Robert and his daughter may have meant well, but their texting you was insensitive and tacky.  They and your Mom have some pretty unrealistic expectations of you and things will probably go better in the long run if they back off.

Whatever happens, I say that you haven't done anything wrong, that your expectations and needs are normal, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Good luck.

blarg314

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #107 on: August 19, 2013, 01:48:10 AM »

I'm sorry your mom is being such a self-centred idiot.

This is pretty common right after a divorce. Your mom is flinging herself into her new life, wants as little reminder of the old as possible, and is overcome with a rush of hormonal excitement.  Unfortunately, her basic relationship skills and common sense have regressed to pre-teen levels - she's referring to someone she's been dating for six weeks as her family, and she's ignoring the fact that the divorce was something drastic that happened to her kids, too.

For your mom, I'd quietly back off and let her sulk. You've made overtures, you've begged and pleaded, she's cut you off without a word.  Some counselling for you could help now, with sorting out your own feelings, and with dealing with your mother, as well as supporting your siblings. Some distance from the constant drama could help too - right now your mom has all the power, and *knows* she's punishing you. 

I suspect that eventually she'll come out of her self absorbed daze, possibly when her rebound relation falls apart, and you can work from there.

You have one big advantage here - you're an independent adult, you can distance yourself, you can independently get counselling and you can't be physically forced into family time with them.

How are your siblings coping with this?


Steve

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #108 on: August 19, 2013, 02:13:44 AM »
What a terrible situation! There is probably no way this will end well Hollyandra.

It seems to me that the others are very right: your mother is probably very much in her white-bread weeks with the newguy. But be prepared: when things begin to get tough with him, she might blame you for it. I think you should face the fact that your relationship with her has sustained significant damage, and there is no guarantee that she will come to her senses.



sparksals

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #109 on: August 19, 2013, 02:27:34 AM »
Yikes!  Has she cut off your siblings too?  She acted like this bc you didn't respond to their creepy messages?  I wonder if the guy has a dangerous.hold on her. 

Iris

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #110 on: August 19, 2013, 02:27:50 AM »
Ouch. "Our family"? "I spent 24 years taking care of you and I deserve happiness"? "My daughter is trying to deny me happiness"? Thanks a bunch, Mom.

Your mom is being a selfish cow at the moment. I could have understood her being upset with the situation - she wants all bad feelings to just magically *go away* and you're ruining the vibe by not being super-duper gosh-darn-just-so-HAPPY for her. Taking that out on you in such a viscious and personal attack is inexcusable, though. I'm so sorry that happened and I hope you get the apology you so thoroughly deserve.
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Marbles

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #111 on: August 19, 2013, 05:03:10 AM »
Wow, Hollyandra, what a hurtful thing to have to go through with your mother. I'm sorry she hasn't had the grace to acknowledge that you were also affected by her divorce from your father and that you are entitled to your own feelings about that. And to not to send you birthday wishes is just hurtful.

I hope that you can find some equilibrium.

aussie_chick

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #112 on: August 19, 2013, 05:27:42 AM »
Hi Op,
I don't really have anything to add other than to say how sorry I am that you're going through this. The only thing I might offer is to not attempt further actions, not because you don't care, but perhaps because you do care and putting yourself through any more attempts at contact may do nothing to get your mum to speak to you and might instead just cause you heart ache and encourage more feelings of rejection.

One previous poster suggested an email and maybe you could do that.

In the mean time, take good care of yourself. Give yourself the attention and time you wanted to devote to your mum and be kind to yourself.

Have you spoken to your siblings (I didn't go back and read previous posts but have vague recollections of siblings of yours in the picture), not to start a war but just to indicate to them where your mum is at right now?

gemma156

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #113 on: August 19, 2013, 06:01:30 AM »
Well you definitely got your answer that yes, your mother was definitely orchestrating that first approach with her new love interest. Since it went over like a lead balloon she has with incredible immaturity now retreated behind adolescent outrage, over your refusal to play happy families.

Don't take the toddler tantrum silence to heart, you have done nothing wrong nor have you been selfish.  Treat yourself a little or go do something new, that will help to take your mind off things for a while.  In time she will calm down and come to realize what she has done, enjoy time with your dad and other close members of your family.


 

Hmmmmm

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #114 on: August 19, 2013, 07:38:02 AM »
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #115 on: August 19, 2013, 09:55:56 AM »
Ouch!! ((((Hugs!!)))) I don't have anything to offer that hasn't already been said, but you definitely have my sympathy.
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gramma dishes

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #116 on: August 19, 2013, 10:19:06 AM »
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.

I totally agree with this.  There are other family members who really need your support right now and who would probably be far more willing to receive it and appreciate the attention.  Mom is sadly acting like an infant here and your pleas to 'fix' things just give her all the more feeling of power and control.  I'd say radio silence is the way to go right now as far as she is concerned. 

Not contacting you on your birthday was just a 'mean girl' tactic and it's horrifying that she's regressed to that level.  But there is nothing you can do it make her grow up and act like an adult. 

Concentrate on yourself and other family members who've been negatively affected.  She may or may not come around someday, but I don't think there's any way YOU can make that happen.

Winterlight

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #117 on: August 19, 2013, 12:04:07 PM »
Your mom wants to brush everything under the rug and have you embrace her new life. You, understandably, are not ready to move as fast as she wants. She has responded by pitching a fit and flouncing.

The best thing you can do is to drop the rope. Don't pursue her- no calls/texts/ect. Those give her that "Yes, Holly will dance to my tune!" feeling. If she wants to act like a teenager, you can't stop her but you don't have to play along.

And (((hugs)))
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sparksals

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #118 on: August 19, 2013, 12:25:17 PM »
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.


I have to agree with Hmmmm here.  While I can understand you are upset, your pleading your mother only gives her power.  Step back and let her realize she has lost YOU.   Make HER be the one to come to you.  She will realize what she has done and then it will be on her to repair the relationship.

Goosey

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #119 on: August 19, 2013, 12:43:39 PM »
I think it's important to remember that your mom is also going through a lot now - the end of the marriage, the anger of her children, etc. Please note that I'm not saying you're not entitled to those feelings.

She took a big step towards becoming a happier person and she wants to share that happiness with you and is craving your acceptance of her new life - a life she's been waiting to live - and she's reacting very emotionally to not receiving that acceptance because of her own feelings on the matter. She may be feeling a lot of resentment/blame coming from her kids for putting herself first in divorcing your father (thus the comment about putting you first for 20 odd years) and is dealing with that guilt.

The guy she's dating seriously overstepped boundaries (and his daughter, but maybe she doesn't know the whole story) and probably did it because he saw how upset/hurt/guilty your mother felt and wanted to bridge connections. He's probably heard from your mother about how upset everyone is and how everyone feels bad for your dad because he still loves her, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see "creepy", I see defensive, supportive, clueless and enthusiastic. But not creepy. Your mother is going through a lot right now. She's found a lot of emotional support from this guy and is probably looking for reassurance that she is not a bad person or a bad mother for divorcing from a man who couldn't make her happy and 4 months feels like long enough to wait when you've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time.

You guys not wanting to move on right now is understandable. You feel bad for your dad because he still loves her, you feel bad for yourselves because your parents split, you feel resentment towards your mother from moving on in what, to you, must seem like such a short amount of time. But, a previous poster said you are recovering from the "loss" of your family. You haven't lost your family. Your parents split, but they're still there. You're recovering from a big change in your family.

Unless there's some history I don't know, your mom is not a villain.

I guess, what I would do is say, "Mom, I love you. I want you to be happy. This is a huge change for me and I'm still adjusting. Please understand".