Author Topic: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter  (Read 33581 times)

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Cami

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #120 on: August 19, 2013, 12:48:34 PM »
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.


I have to agree with Hmmmm here.  While I can understand you are upset, your pleading your mother only gives her power.  Step back and let her realize she has lost YOU.   Make HER be the one to come to you.  She will realize what she has done and then it will be on her to repair the relationship.
POD

I would suggest that you not plead with anyone, ever, about their relationship with you. Pleading immediately gives the other person all of your power in the relationship. In their minds, your pleading proves that they are THE most important person in the world to everyone and that if they wait long enough or push you hard enough, you'll give in and do what they want.

Their minds go something like this, "She's pleading with me, which makes her lose dignity and pride. If someone's willing to give up and dignity and pride to have a relationship, then I must be hot diggity. Since I am hot diggity -- as I've always surmised -- then I just have to wait her out or push her a littl e more and I'll WIN!"

Sharnita

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #121 on: August 19, 2013, 01:10:23 PM »
When mom is talking about boyfriend and daughter welcoming mom's daughter into mom's family as if that were not only a reasonable thing but something OP should be thankful for - it certainly strikes me as creepy. I don't see how the bf gets the blame instead of mom on that one. If anyone should be expected to remember that OP has always been part of mom's family, it is mom.

sparksals

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #122 on: August 19, 2013, 01:47:46 PM »
I think it's important to remember that your mom is also going through a lot now - the end of the marriage, the anger of her children, etc. Please note that I'm not saying you're not entitled to those feelings.

She took a big step towards becoming a happier person and she wants to share that happiness with you and is craving your acceptance of her new life - a life she's been waiting to live - and she's reacting very emotionally to not receiving that acceptance because of her own feelings on the matter. She may be feeling a lot of resentment/blame coming from her kids for putting herself first in divorcing your father (thus the comment about putting you first for 20 odd years) and is dealing with that guilt.

The guy she's dating seriously overstepped boundaries (and his daughter, but maybe she doesn't know the whole story) and probably did it because he saw how upset/hurt/guilty your mother felt and wanted to bridge connections. He's probably heard from your mother about how upset everyone is and how everyone feels bad for your dad because he still loves her, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see "creepy", I see defensive, supportive, clueless and enthusiastic. But not creepy. Your mother is going through a lot right now. She's found a lot of emotional support from this guy and is probably looking for reassurance that she is not a bad person or a bad mother for divorcing from a man who couldn't make her happy and 4 months feels like long enough to wait when you've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time.

You guys not wanting to move on right now is understandable. You feel bad for your dad because he still loves her, you feel bad for yourselves because your parents split, you feel resentment towards your mother from moving on in what, to you, must seem like such a short amount of time. But, a previous poster said you are recovering from the "loss" of your family. You haven't lost your family. Your parents split, but they're still there. You're recovering from a big change in your family.

Unless there's some history I don't know, your mom is not a villain.

I guess, what I would do is say, "Mom, I love you. I want you to be happy. This is a huge change for me and I'm still adjusting. Please understand".


I completely disagree.  She decided to up and leave the family and three months later is hot and heavy with a man that sends text messages to her daughter he never met.  While she is entitled to be happy, that doesn't mean her children have to accept or like her choices.  The mother did not give them a chance to learn to deal with the new situation b/c she jumped into this NEW family so gosh darn fast.


The fact she has ceased all communication with her daughter b/c she didn't return unsolicited texts is way over the top AND ignored her daughter's birthday is heinous and not the actions of a loving mother. 


She has shown ZERO understanding for the grieving her children are going through.  As the adult, SHE should be showing far more grace and it turns out the KIDS are the ones with the most class and dignity.  Not her.  They don't just pick up one day and accept and understand how she ripped apart the family. 


 

Goosey

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #123 on: August 19, 2013, 02:06:56 PM »
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.

Nobody can decide for her how soon after her divorce she can move on. She's divorced. She sounds like she struggled with that decision for a long time.

She is not obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage for her adult children's comfort.

She's being very dramatic and emotional right now. I'm just asking to look at the human aspect of it before telling her that her mother is obviously a bad person and she should wash her hands of her.

TurtleDove

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #124 on: August 19, 2013, 02:13:42 PM »
I don't have a problem with the mother leaving her marriage and subsequently finding happiness with a new man.  I would have a problem had she been unfaithful to the father before ending the marriage, but my main problem with the mother here is her inability to see that this is HER new relationship and not her adult daughter's new relationship.  I think the mother could handle this situation with grace but instead she is lashing out at her daughter for reasons that to me signal the mother is uncomfortable with how the situation played out (meaning, she herself sees herself as the bad guy). 


gramma dishes

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #125 on: August 19, 2013, 02:17:12 PM »
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family". 

Eeep!

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #126 on: August 19, 2013, 02:22:12 PM »
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family".

I agree - this has gone beyond her mother being emotional but to her mother being CRUEL.  Not calling your own daughter on her birthday and ignoring all contact from her?  Sorry - any sympathy over the mother's situation goes out the window to me.  The fact of the matter is - regardless of what sort of emotional turmoil the mother is going through herself - she has made terrible decisions with respect to how she is treating her daughter and there are, sadly, natural repercussions to that.  She has effectively rejected her own daughter for her "new life".  She may eventually come to her senses but the damage has been done.  No amount of empathy for her mother, will negate the rejection that the OP is feeling. 
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Goosey

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #127 on: August 19, 2013, 02:24:34 PM »
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family".

I consider that "expanding" her family. That doesn't mean she doesn't consider her daughter her family as well.

Like I said, she's behaving badly. But I do still have sympathy for her. She sounds like she waited a long time for the chance to be in a happy relationship and she wants her children to be a part of her happiness and when it didn't happen, she threw a fit. It's not right, but I'm sure this is a very emotional time for her, too, as I said.

I hope with more time and understanding from all sides, this can all be smoothed over.

snowdragon

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #128 on: August 19, 2013, 02:28:44 PM »
In my view she left the existing family (OP, Her father, and her siblings) to form a new family. She now expects the OP to welcome the new husband and his to the "family"  - the mother is not giving the OP any of the consideration she wants for herself.
  The family she left has had less than a year to get used to their family not being "together" any longer. And the mom expects the OP and her siblings to welcome the new folks into "our family", sorry those are not choices mom gets to make. NO ONE but NO ONE gets to tell someone who they have to love.
  The text from Robert was wildly inappropriate as far as I am concerned - especially since if I have the math correct, they only started dating 1.5 months prior and had never even met. Telling a complete stranger how they need to feel about their parent's divorce is way off. Add to that the text from Ally suggesting that they might end up as step sisters at this stage is horrid and must have been jarring. Basically the kid was insinuating that the Mom and Robert are thinking marriage...4.5 months after the divorce!  That announcement should have come from Mom and Robert, not the kid, and only AFTER they had all had time to get to know each other.
   The OP does not have to consider these folks part of HER family. yes, mom has made them part of the mother's family but that does not mean the OP has to consider this new man, her stepfather or the girl any thing but her mother's husband and her mother's husband's child. 
   The mother needs to extend the same consideration to the OP and her siblings as she is demanding from the OP and realize the new family she is creating may not be ever family to the OP and new her siblings.

Goosey

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #129 on: August 19, 2013, 02:34:28 PM »
She left an existing MARRIAGE. She left her husband. She wants to be happy and the marriage was making her unhappy. She didn't leave her adult children. They're still her family. Her divorce doesn't divorce herself from them.

The rest I agree with, actually. :) after initially asking if her adult children wanted to meet her beau and getting a "not yet, mom", that should be the end of it. She is pushing her new relationship on them way too hard and she should not be throwing a snit when things aren't going as rosily as she might have imagined.


Hmmmmm

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #130 on: August 19, 2013, 02:36:26 PM »
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.

Nobody can decide for her how soon after her divorce she can move on. She's divorced. She sounds like she struggled with that decision for a long time.

She is not obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage for her adult children's comfort.

She's being very dramatic and emotional right now. I'm just asking to look at the human aspect of it before telling her that her mother is obviously a bad person and she should wash her hands of her.

The mother can have a joyful time with her new man and his daughter. Her happiness in this new relationship should not be impacted because her eldest daughter and her minor children have said they are not ready to meet her new love.

And per the bolded, no one is telling her to wash her hands of her permanently. Some of us are counseling her that she doesn't need to be pleading for her mother's attention, especially since she is the one who turned away from her daughter.

The daugher is the one who requested they meet and it was the mother who cancelled.
The mother is the one who decided to ignore her daughter's birthday while the daughter was trying to reach her mother several times.

I can not image what my DD would have to do that I would not acknowlege her birthday or even go a couple of weeks without trying to talk with her. And it sure the heck wouldn't be because she said she wasn't ready to meet the guy I'd been dating for the last 3 months.

I normally don't get emotional about the posts I read on here because I always think there are two sides. But this situation makes me so mad I could spit. And while I'm at it, I'm not too happy with the OP's aunt who is still carrying pm a relationship with the mother knowing how she is treating her daughter.

Eeep!

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #131 on: August 19, 2013, 02:39:00 PM »
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family".

I consider that "expanding" her family. That doesn't mean she doesn't consider her daughter her family as well.

Like I said, she's behaving badly. But I do still have sympathy for her. She sounds like she waited a long time for the chance to be in a happy relationship and she wants her children to be a part of her happiness and when it didn't happen, she threw a fit. It's not right, but I'm sure this is a very emotional time for her, too, as I said.

I hope with more time and understanding from all sides, this can all be smoothed over.

While I agree that perhaps her mean text to the OP could be considered a "fit", her subsequent action of choosing to ignore the OP repeated attempts to even communicate with her crosses over into a decision.  And sadly it is likely one that can't merely be "smoothed over". 

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

gramma dishes

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #132 on: August 19, 2013, 02:39:24 PM »
Hollyandra ~~  Maybe you said this and I've forgotten (and can't find it), but has she put the same pressure she's putting on you on your fourteen and seventeen year old siblings as well?  Have they met this man and his daughter, and if so, how did they feel about it?

Twik

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #133 on: August 19, 2013, 02:41:18 PM »
It may be an emotional time, but that is no excuse for not being an adult, and realizing that the OP is not under any obligation to accept her new man as a father figure.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Sharnita

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #134 on: August 19, 2013, 02:45:04 PM »
If she really is as happy as she claims one would think her interactions with her kids would be even kinder and more gracious, not petty, insulting and mean-spirited.