Author Topic: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter  (Read 31846 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28299
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #150 on: August 19, 2013, 04:33:13 PM »
It boils down to this: I don't trust people who want to skip steps in a relationship to get to the "good stuff."  The good stuff being the intimacy, happiness and closeness that is built over time and earned through kindness, patience and dependability.  If someone isn't willing to put the time in to earn/build those things, I have to wonder whether they can/will be able present themselves as kind, patient or dependable. 

I agree. The most dangerous person I ever had to deal with was excessively friendly, to the point of clinginess, when I first met her. Which is why I had an immediate bad reaction to the messages in the OP.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

RingTailedLemur

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2847
  • Rudeness is a small person's imitation of power.
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #151 on: August 19, 2013, 04:42:18 PM »
It boils down to this: I don't trust people who want to skip steps in a relationship to get to the "good stuff."  The good stuff being the intimacy, happiness and closeness that is built over time and earned through kindness, patience and dependability.  If someone isn't willing to put the time in to earn/build those things, I have to wonder whether they can/will be able present themselves as kind, patient or dependable. 

I agree. The most dangerous person I ever had to deal with was excessively friendly, to the point of clinginess, when I first met her. Which is why I had an immediate bad reaction to the messages in the OP.

Agreed.  Forced / inappropriately early intimacy is a red flag.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear how this has turned out for you.  I am baffled by your mother's behaviour but I agree with PPs who recommend just dropping the rope.

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #152 on: August 19, 2013, 05:27:52 PM »
OP, I feel for you.  Your mom is acting like a donkey and I would just let the relationship be.  I know I have been hopelessly in love before, but never to the point of alienating people as she has, but when this explodes (and I do not have high hopes for this relationship) she will be crawling back.  Not sure you should be there to catch her in that fall, but that will be up to you.  Your mom (and her 'new' family  >:( ) cannot tell you how to feel and force anyone of the kids into this look at us relationship.  It is creepy to get texts from someone you don't even know that are that presumptuous.

I left my husband when my DD was 16 months, I did not date again til she was 4 and although she had met him (a neighbor) she had no idea we were dating casually because I didn't feel ready to be in the type of relationship where 3 of us would be involved.  Her father on the other hand decided to sign up for a membership in the skank of the month club* pretty much right away.  He rarely saw her (his choice) but every time she came back from a weekend there was always stories of outings with this woman or that woman and of course it was always someone new.  I talked to him about it but he said as his DD, he wanted her to meet who ever was his partner at the time.  I put my foot down and threatened he would never have her unsupervised again when the flavor of the week told her she had to call her mom  >:( .  I finally got a court order when I found out the one he was with had lost her nursing license due to a recent drug conviction  :o.  My DD was upset at these visits as she had such rare visits that she didn't like sharing him with various women. 

*One of the women who went on an outing with DD and ex was someone he picked up at a bar 2 nights before!

blarg314

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8433
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #153 on: August 19, 2013, 10:43:55 PM »
Something to remember too, that the OP's mom is forgetting.  Divorce is something that happens to the kids as well. The family they've been in for their entire lives has just been destroyed, and they had no say in the decision - it's generally presented to them as a fait accompli. Sometimes they're relieved, a lot of the time they're not.

The kids' experience is somewhat like the spouse who has a divorce sprung on them - the other suddenly announces that they're not happy and are leaving, packs the bags and leaves, without a chance for reconciliation or debate. This isn't something you generally get over immediately - it takes time to process your confusion, anger and grief, and to come to terms with the new situation. Depending on the age and circumstance, this process can take *years* - not weeks or months.

The mother has the right to lead her life after the divorce, and seek out relationships and happiness.  But what she did was totally inappropriate.

The *only* thing the OP did was to say that she wasn't ready to meet the new BF and his daughter *yet* - she didn't object to the relationship, she didn't say she never wanted to meet them, just so soon after the separation she wasn't ready to do that yet.  This was 4 months after the separation, and 6 weeks into the relationship.

The results - One semi-chastizing text from the BF telling her how she should be happy that her mother broke up with her father, and how the BF is much better for her. One bubbly email from the daughter saying she can't wait to meet her future stepsister. And one rant from her mother declaring that 1) she's finished with taking care of her family of 25 years and it's all about her now and 2) she has a new family now and 3) she tried to welcome her *daughter* into her new family, and is upset that she didn't accept the offer gleefully, followed by 4) several months of complete silent treatment and the refusal to answer any form of communication.

That's so far over the top inappropriate that nothing can justify it, short of a serious mental illness.


LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6453
    • Blog
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #154 on: August 19, 2013, 11:14:45 PM »
If she really is as happy as she claims one would think her interactions with her kids would be even kinder and more gracious, not petty, insulting and mean-spirited.

Very insightful post Sharnita!

The mother's actions do not appear to be the actions of a genuinely happy, confident person.

Goosey

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 901
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #155 on: August 20, 2013, 08:01:42 AM »
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.

Piratelvr1121

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 10819
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #156 on: August 20, 2013, 08:12:22 AM »
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.

That I think we can agree on.  I kind of wonder too if the mother might have guilty feelings of her own and is looking to her children's acceptance of the new situation to feel better about it.  And when they say "We need more time, Mom" it's not fitting the "script" in her head so she gets mad.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Goosey

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 901
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #157 on: August 20, 2013, 08:22:49 AM »
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.

That I think we can agree on.  I kind of wonder too if the mother might have guilty feelings of her own and is looking to her children's acceptance of the new situation to feel better about it.  And when they say "We need more time, Mom" it's not fitting the "script" in her head so she gets mad.
Yeah I think that's what's happening. She knows her decision caused a family upheaval and she wants to move past that as quickly as possible. She feels a lot of guilt. When her kids are taking longer than she wants (because it seems to me she would have been ready to move on for a while if she was unhappy in her marriage, so she was far more prepared than them!), she takes it as a confirmation of her guilt rather than them not being prepared just yet. So, she is angry at feeling guilty and is taking it out on people who she perceives as judging her as guilty, even if that really not what they're doint.

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6260
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #158 on: August 20, 2013, 09:58:14 AM »
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.
I'm sorry I don't buy it. A mother who has too much of her happiness tied up with her kids is not going to refuse to return text messages or completely ignore her daughter's birthday.

Cami

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1307
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #159 on: August 20, 2013, 10:07:32 AM »
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.
I'm sorry I don't buy it. A mother who has too much of her happiness tied up with her kids is not going to refuse to return text messages or completely ignore her daughter's birthday.
I agree with Hmmmmm.  Nor do I think she necessarily feels guilty. Her actions may just as easily or perhaps more easily indicate that she's a self-absorbed person who wants everyone to move on to her page in life to make her life easier, smoother, happier. She may only be unhappy because people are not performing according to the script she's written for them. The upside for her is that she gets to play the victim to her new family, who can rally around her and absorb her into their own ready-made script. 

I know lots of people who left their spouse and acted exactly the same way.They were in control of the status of family life and then cast themselves as the victim when people did not fall into line.  Because they had thought about this change for a while, they had processed it in their heads and hearts and had worked it out that they were doing the "right thing". The "right thing" for them was, in their minds, the "right thing" for everyone. This was their reality. Woe to the person who infringed on this version of reality.  That person was given the cut direct, even if that person was a child or a parent or a long-time best friend. All of them could be chucked aside because they did not conform to the script of the new life.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5623
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #160 on: August 20, 2013, 10:12:55 AM »
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.
I'm sorry I don't buy it. A mother who has too much of her happiness tied up with her kids is not going to refuse to return text messages or completely ignore her daughter's birthday.

I'm with Hmmmmm.  I don't think the mother cares at all whether her kids approve.  Otherwise she would have gone about this differently.  At the very least she would have met with her own daughter to talk about why she is happy with New Guy and to sincerely ask for her daughter's blessing.  That did not happen.  Not even close. 

I continue to maintain that even under circumstances where the mother had been divorced for years and then started dating New Guy, 1.5 months into a new relationship is, IMHO, far too early to involve children.  I really do not believe that children - of any age - should "date."  The mother can date New Guy, and maintain the other relationships in her life, until the decision has been made to move toward combining families at some point in the future, at which point it makes sense for the children to spend time with New Guy, should they so choose (given the ages involved here).  If the children want nothing to do with New Guy, then the mother needs to make a choice.  I know what I would choose (not New Guy, especially not after 1.5 months).

I have zero respect for the mother in this situation.

Goosey

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 901
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #161 on: August 20, 2013, 10:34:47 AM »
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5623
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #162 on: August 20, 2013, 10:38:33 AM »
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!

The bolded is enough to make me lose respect for the mother.  The mother should instead be an adult who cares about her children, not a child herself who acts out and then hides.

Goosey

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 901
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #163 on: August 20, 2013, 10:40:16 AM »
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!

The bolded is enough to make me lose respect for the mother.  The mother should instead be an adult who cares about her children, not a child herself who acts out and then hides.

Everyone has their dark moments when they're acting their best. I'm not willing to write off the entire personality of an individual as a mother or as a person by the way they act when they're going through an emotional crisis. YMMV, but I just wanted to communicate where I'm coming from.

Piratelvr1121

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 10819
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #164 on: August 20, 2013, 11:02:00 AM »
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!

The bolded is enough to make me lose respect for the mother.  The mother should instead be an adult who cares about her children, not a child herself who acts out and then hides.

Agreed.  The mother needs to grow up and deal with the fact that her kids are not ready. I'd have more respect for this woman if she said "Look, I'm happy with him.  I accept you're not ready and will give you time to process all that's happened.  While I hope that you will accept my new life and the man that comes with it, if that doesn't happen, I will try to accept that." 

(or even better, look at the reasons why the kids aren't accepting him, such as him being a boundary tromping baboon)

But she didn't. She basically said "Deal with it. This is my life and if you don't like it, too bad."

If she feels guilty it's her own actions that are the result, not her children's.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata