Author Topic: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter  (Read 32861 times)

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Hollyandra

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My parents recently split up. They had been married for over 25 years and so it was quite upsetting for all of us, especially for my father as he still loved my mother but she was unhappy in the relationship.

Mother got into a new relationship 3 months later. Last week, she asked my siblings (Brother is 14 and Sister is 17) and I if we wanted to meet her new boyfriend. My brother and sister didn't want to and I thought it would be better if we all met him together at the right time. I politely explained this and said that seeing as it had only been 4 1/2 months since our parents had separated it felt a little too soon and perhaps to give it a few more months.

I got two text messages today that pretty much knocked me for six:

1. Hi Holly. It's Robert, your mum's man. Just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't blame your mum for the failed relationship. She wasn't happy with your dad so it's good I came along when I did. She's much happier now! Anyway look forward to meeting you when you're ready.

2. Hello there, I'm Rob's daughter Ally!! Hope you're well, Dad asked me to reach out to you as we could potentially be steppies! (I assume she means stepsisters). Whoohoo!! Would you be free to grab a coffee next week?? I'm just 20 minutes away from (my suburb). I'm buying! Look forward to seeing you soon. xxx. PS: I'll give you a call tomorrow and sort out a time. Ally xx

Talk about awkward! I'm in complete and utter shock. I assume that Robert has gone into my mother's phone and taken my number, because I know that my mother would never give out my number without telling me, and texted me intending to make me feel better.

I have never met these people before in my life and have never spoken to them.

What should I do Etiquette Hell? I don't want to be rude as it would make my mother upset and potentially jeopardize future relationships with these people. On the other hand I'm really quite upset and angry, especially at the dig at my father (which may or may not have been intentional) and the fact that the whole thing is quite inappropriate. I really don't want to respond to them.

Should I ignore the messages or what should I say?
« Last Edit: May 26, 2013, 10:00:37 PM by Hollyandra »

rain

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2013, 10:10:06 PM »
(((hugs)))


I am not the person to advise you (I don't blame you for being upset that total strangers are texting you)


are you comfortable enough with your mum to tell her that you're not ready to meet them ... and did she give them your number
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lady_disdain

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2013, 10:15:40 PM »
I think you should share these messages with your mother and ask her how they got your number and about the "steppies" comment. Ask her how they got your number (if she didn't give it out, she should know what her boyfriend is doing behind her back). I would also ask about the "steppy" comment.

As for the messages, I would not answer them.

m2kbug

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2013, 10:22:44 PM »
Okay.  That's weird.

I would be making a call to Mom and ask what's up.  You don't know at this point whether she gave up your number, and if she didn't, maybe she'd like to know what her boyfriend is up to.

Future steppies?  Really?  After four months? 

At this point, I think I would just call my mother and ignore the texts for now.  I agree, it's inappropriate or too forced.  It sounds like you all are still trying to digest the circumstances. 

Keep in mind, everyone is going to be out of the house in four years or so, and your mom and dad deserve to have people to share their lives with while you're off living yours, so cut her some slack here.  Still, this situation is rather odd.  You already told your mother "not now," and this happens?  Call your Mom. (and return and report)

Cosmasia

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2013, 10:25:49 PM »
I'd show your mother both messages, ask her how they got your number and then ask her what made them think you wanted contact with them yet, when you've all decided to wait.

Either she's put them up to it or they've stolen your number from her contacts, which is unacceptable and something she should then know about.
If she did put them up to it then it's a good idea to tell her that you don't want/need to be pushed into this. It's at your own pace.

Since his daughter wrote too, someone must have said something that made her think you were just dying to get to know her, what with the "steppies" comment.

Personally, I'd be ignoring both messages for now. If you find out he stole your number, I'd write or call him and tell him that it's completely unacceptable for him to do that and to not contact you again. Then block his number. But that is just me - I'd find that to be a huge boundary crossing and it's something that would make me refrain from wanting to get to know that person. Even if they are dating my parent.

Until there's more information I'm likely to give the daughter a pass for now as her message makes it seem like someone told her you really wanted to know her.

Edit: oh right if the daughter does call you, personally I'd be honest with her and tell her that you weren't seeking contact with her and that someone else must have made a mistake in giving her your number.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2013, 10:30:57 PM by Cosmasia »
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RooRoo

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2013, 10:31:28 PM »
I like the previous wise advice.

If you do want to respond directly to them, I'd recommend something like this:

Dear Ally/Robert,

I'm sorry, that will not be possible at this time. I haven't gotten used to my parents being separated yet. I need time, and it's way too soon for me to meet you socially. Eventually, I will, but not now and not for several months more. When I am ready, I'll tell Mother.


This is one case where I think a little JADEing is appropriate.

It's better than what EvilRoo suggests: "For dawg's sake! She's not even divorced yet! 'Steppies", my rosy red underdrawers!"
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

Sharnita

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2013, 10:36:56 PM »
Dear Robert,

Mom's other boyfriends have made the same arguments but i am not buying it.



Dear Allie,

Can I borrow $1, 000 since we are virtually family?



OK, I guess you probably shouldn't respond that way but it might be the most efficient way to point out that they are being a bit presumptuous.

Minmom3

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2013, 10:37:33 PM »
clipped

It's better than what EvilRoo suggests: "For dawg's sake! She's not even divorced yet! 'Steppies", my rosy red underdrawers!"

Oh, I don't know, I really LIKE what EvilRoo says.  I could say that in front of my 'sainted Grandmother'; and not offend her.  Those people are SERIOUSLY jumping the gun...
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

Roses

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2013, 10:47:52 PM »
Evil E likes Sharnitas response. 

Etiquette E  on the other hand.....would call your mother and tell her about these texts.  Find out how they got your number and ask her to please communicate to these new people in your life that you do not wish them to contact you.  When you are ready to meet them, you will make those arrangements with your mother.  I would then BLOCK both of their numbers.  If your mother did give out your number, I would ask her to please not do that anymore without OK'ing it with you first.

Huge red boundary flags for me with both of those texts.   From people you have never met?  Seriously?

<Hugs>

veronaz

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2013, 11:33:59 PM »
Lots of good advice.

A text message, from someone you have not even met, telling you how to feel about your parents splitting up? 

Another goofy text message from his daughter with the “steppys” remark?

Presumptuous and lame.  ::)

I would not reply. (but I like the *idea* of texting back asking to borrow $$$.  Heehee :D )

cicero

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2013, 11:40:14 PM »
So this is a guy your mother has been seeing for about six weeks? ( if I got the math right).

Wow. Talk about tacky and lack of boundaries!

Talk to your mother. I am interested to know how they got your number.

And, I'm hesitant to ask but is it possible that they've been dating from before?

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Slartibartfast

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2013, 12:38:01 AM »
I assume you have a generally good relationship with your mom?  Tell her.  Either her boyfriend stole your number out of her phone (which is Not Okay / generally creepy behavior and she needs to know about it) or she gave him your number on purpose (which is also Not Okay and she needs to know you're not happy).  You have no obligation to sort it out with him or his daughter directly because the whole idea was to not have a relationship with them (yet) in the first place.  If your mom isn't willing to address it, just respond with "I'm not ready to talk to you so soon, sorry" and drop it.  Hopefully they will too.

missmolly

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2013, 12:46:35 AM »
Definitely tell your mum. If they've done this entirely with her knowledge then you need to have a long talk about boundaries, particularly with the steppies comment.
If they did this WITHOUT her knowledge, well, she's probably going to want to have a long talk with them.
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NyaChan

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2013, 01:10:19 AM »
Joining the chorus of tell your mom and show her the texts.  If by some crazy chance it turns out that she did give them your phone number, be prepared to reassert your position firmly.  Be prepared for the possibility that she may do a reveal of a pending re-marriage (I say that only because of the daughter's text).

sammycat

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Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2013, 02:16:16 AM »
I agree with everyone else to ignore the messages but show them to your mother and question her as to how they got your number. 

BF and his DD have majorly overstepped the mark. Their behaviour is very inappropriate.

This sort of thing would make me dig my heels in and refuse to meet them at all.

Did they also contact your sister and brother?