Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter

[Ceallach]

I agree with everyone else to ignore the messages but show them to your mother and question her as to how they got your number. 

BF and his DD have majorly overstepped the mark. Their behaviour is very inappropriate.

This sort of thing would make me dig my heels in and refuse to meet them at all.

Did they also contact your sister and brother?

I also agree with this.

I am stunned at their audacity.   The implication that they know your thoughts and feelings on the topic is just outrageous - how dare they??   It could be that they are sweet, lovely people, but they have seriously misjudged this situation and clearly have no clue about the boundaries of new partners and step situations.  I say this as somebody whose parents had a horrendous break up, but I adore my stepmother and stepbrothers.  That took time though!   I can't believe complete strangers would do this. ...  I do believe it, but it stuns me!!

[aussie_chick]

Hi All, first time poster but avid reader of the site.

I'm also wondering if your siblings received the same or similar messages? If they didn't, I was wondering why they only decided to write to you? Your mother may be able to provide some insight about that.
Either way, their behaviour is inappropriate. Sure they might have genuinely been wanting to make contact with you, but to me their texts are about what they would like without any consideration as to your wants/needs.
I agree with everyone else who said discuss it with mother first. Clearly explain your expectations around contact and that you do not want any contact of any kind at this point in time. When/if that changes, you will make that decision and you will tell mother about it if that happens. But you won't be pushed.
I would also avoid answering when she rings and at this time avoid responding to the texts
Obviously if they don't take the hint, you may need a short polite reply to let them know you don't want contact right now. But I wouldn't reply unless you have to.
I hope your mother didn't give out your contact details without your permission, especially after you explicitly told her you were not interested in contact with her new partner at this time.
Hope you can get to the bottom of it and I hope it works out for you. Sounds like a pretty yucky situation for you and your family.

[sammycat]

to me their texts are about what they would like without any consideration as to your wants/needs.

I think this is a very good point.

Hi aussie-chick and welcome to the forum! 

[RingTailedLemur]

My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

I wish I could give you advice but I'm just so shocked.  I agree that you should talk to your mother about it, although be prepared for the possibility that she may think they did nothing wrong.

[MariaE]

My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

[Oh Joy]

I'm sorry for your family's tough times.  I'm not in your shoes, but have been through unexpected and unwanted family transitions and remember them as difficult years.

That said, I'm going a bit against the grain in that I don't see this as a huge overreach.  You declined meeting them yet by your mom's suggestion, and they reached out with a single invitation of their own.

For now, I'd remind Mom that I'm not comfortable having my number given out, and reply briefly to the boyfriend and daughter that you're still adjusting to the new dynamics and will let them know when you're ready to get to know them.

If they start hounding you after that, then it's a different scenario.

Best wishes.

[Sharnita]

I'm sorry for your family's tough times.  I'm not in your shoes, but have been through unexpected and unwanted family transitions and remember them as difficult years.

That said, I'm going a bit against the grain in that I don't see this as a huge overreach.  You declined meeting them yet by your mom's suggestion, and they reached out with a single invitation of their own.

For now, I'd remind Mom that I'm not comfortable having my number given out, and reply briefly to the boyfriend and daughter that you're still adjusting to the new dynamics and will let them know when you're ready to get to know them.

If they start hounding you after that, then it's a different scenario.

Best wishes.

See for me an invitation would be "My name is Robert, I would love to meet you whenever you are ready" not "your mom wasn't happywith your dad but luckily she met me".  And it certainly isn't "You don't know me my name is ___________ and I think we are going to be steppies.  I'm taking for granted you want to meet me so I am just going to ask when, not if".

[KenveeB]

I'm sorry for your family's tough times.  I'm not in your shoes, but have been through unexpected and unwanted family transitions and remember them as difficult years.

That said, I'm going a bit against the grain in that I don't see this as a huge overreach.  You declined meeting them yet by your mom's suggestion, and they reached out with a single invitation of their own.

For now, I'd remind Mom that I'm not comfortable having my number given out, and reply briefly to the boyfriend and daughter that you're still adjusting to the new dynamics and will let them know when you're ready to get to know them.

If they start hounding you after that, then it's a different scenario.

Best wishes.

See for me an invitation would be "My name is Robert, I would love to meet you whenever you are ready" not "your mom wasn't happywith your dad but luckily she met me".  And it certainly isn't "You don't know me my name is ___________ and I think we are going to be steppies.  I'm taking for granted you want to meet me so I am just going to ask when, not if".

Agreed. Not to mention that they shouldn't have been able to "reach out with an invitation of their own." If OP's Mom had followed her wishes, they wouldn't have her contact info. So either there's a problem with Mom pushing the relationship after OP asked for more time, or there's a problem with BF and his daughter stealing OP's contact information. Either one is a big red flag to me.

[lady_disdain]

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

That crossed my mind as well.

[weeblewobble]

To me, it sounds like your mom sent both messages.  There's a strange unnatural awkwardness to the language, as if someone is writing from someone else's perspective.  "Steppies," to me, sounds like an older woman trying to use cool, "hip" language.  Also, there's a very clear agenda here. Point 1) Don't be mad at your mom. Your mom is not at fault for the divorce.  She's a blameless victim. Point 2) Immediate familial intimacy with two people you barely know (who have not earned that sort of relationship with you), so your Mom can pretend that you're all one big happy family/pretend the divorce never happened. 

I would not be surprised to find that your mom "borrowed" her boyfriend's phone and the daughter's phone for some contrived reason and sent these messages.  I would ignore them.  If the messages continue, block their numbers.

ETA: If you find out that the boyfriend did send you the text, that dig about your Dad is INCREDIBLY inappropriate.  As if you should thank the boyfriend for "coming along."  The underlying message is that you don't owe your dad any loyalty and that feeling angry toward your mother is somehow wrong and "uncool" because she only wanted to be happy. Also, none of these issues are topics that you should bring up in a TEXT MESSAGE. These are "serious discussion" topics.

This whole thing smacks of immaturity and a very shallow emotional state.  I would just back away.

[Oh Joy]

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

That crossed my mind as well.

Yes, but it's the type of thing I wouldn't bring up if our OP didn't.

[Piratelvr1121]

My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

Nah, to me it just sounds like an arrogant idiot.  I've known guys like that who get a girl away from what was an unhappy relationship and the guy thinks he's the hero that "saved" her and isn't she lucky to have him, now?   

[*inviteseller]

Wow!!  I..just...wow!!!  They got some brass ones, now don't they??!!  I would not respond to them in any way shape or form as it will cause them to keep sending these over the top messages.  I would tell your mom that they did send them, that you don't appreciate it because it is too soon for this kind of interaction, and to tell them to please not send you any more texts.  I am going to assume that your siblings are living with your dad..have they received these messages too?  The fact that this man is telling you your dad didn't make her happy, only he does is beyond rude..how dare he disparage your father.  And the steppies comment?  How old is this girl?  They are both so in your face it is ghasting my flabber in ways that have never been done!

[Alpacas]

Wow!!  I..just...wow!!!  They got some brass ones, now don't they??!!  I would not respond to them in any way shape or form as it will cause them to keep sending these over the top messages.  I would tell your mom that they did send them, that you don't appreciate it because it is too soon for this kind of interaction, and to tell them to please not send you any more texts.  I am going to assume that your siblings are living with your dad..have they received these messages too?  The fact that this man is telling you your dad didn't make her happy, only he does is beyond rude..how dare he disparage your father.  And the steppies comment?  How old is this girl?  They are both so in your face it is ghasting my flabber in ways that have never been done!

Poddity pod to this.

The mother might have been unhappy in that marriage but for the children thats usually not really obvious HOW unhappy. To them their "Happy Family" split up and  they have to get used to these new circumstances. (I am not sure if thats the same in OPs case though)
And the new Boyfriend writing a SMS like that, is definetly NOT a way to speed that process up.
He might have had good intentions and wanted to introduce himself, but simultaniously implying that OPs dad was "no good" and OPs family made her mother unhappy is really not the best.

As others have suggested, talk to your mother, OP. Depending on how you get along with her, you can open up about how you feel about her new beau contacting you and the suble implication that was in his text.



A colleague of mine had a similar experience a few years ago as the OP.
Her Dad decided he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and left his wife. Shortly after he was with someone else.
My Colleague referes to her dad only as "That man" today for the way he handled everything and spoke ill about his ex-wife.
Not everyone is able to move on after only a few months.

[Roe]

My goodness, talk about crossing boundaries!!!!  I wonder if they care that now the OP has a less than stellar opinion of them.  I know I would.  They absolutely sound self-absorbed.  After all, who wouldn't just love and adore them?!   

OP, I'd speak with your mother and ask her to please convey the message that you are not ready to communicate with them.  And I'd also ignore their texts.  Ignoring them will send the message loud and clear!