Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter

[SPuck]

I would say talk with your mother and say that this new boyfriend broke cardinal rule number one when he texted you, he spoke about your father. You don't even have to decipher the message just show it to her then you should react depending on how she reacts.

I would just ignore the message from the daughter. Her message just sounds like she is an unwitting pawn here.

[TylerBelle]

My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

This is what got to me first off, too. If you are trying to get in good with your SO's children, you do not even think about making slights toward the other parent.

Otherwise, as folks in here have said, I'd ask your Mom about how BF and daughter got your information and don't respond to them unless absolutely necessary.   

[Winterlight]

I would start by addressing my mother on this one- how did they get my info? Did she give it or was it taken?

Once I know which, I can either point out that I said I wasn't ready and she ignored my perfectly reasonable boundary, which does not make me happy, or, that her BF and his daughter are attempting to force intimacy on me without her knowledge and which I really, really don't want.

[Sharnita]

Te thing is, he went out of his way to point out that mom was unhappy and that she has managed to find happiness - a good thing according to mom and Robert.  That being the case, OP and her siblings have every right to do what they need to to assure their happiness. If that includes waiting to meet these new people, offering dad moral support, working through their own feelings - why would mom and Robert begrudge them that?

[Dr. F.]

You think you've seen everything on eHell, an then something like this pops up!

I POD all those that say speak to your mom and ask how they got the #s. You may also wish to point out that this was the OPPOSITE of a favorable first impression of her new BF for you. Speaking only for myself, a text like that would throw me solidly into Dad's camp an it would take time to rebuild bridges with Mom, not to even mention the new BF.

[Pen^2]

Holy wow...

You explained to your mother that you aren't emotionally ready yet but will be later, and this results? I hope you're coping, because I know I would be struggling!

The two texts are very disregarding of your boundaries (steppies? Really?) They have lots of self-justification and both tell you what to do, and at no point do these messages show that the senders care about you at all. The comment from the boyfriend about how your mother was unhappy until he came along and saved the day is just hurtful, especially when you are still coming to terms with the divorce. And the implications he makes are plain nasty.

They may not have intended things this way, of course, and may just be clueless. But in any case, they have blatantly disregarded your feelings in the situation and haven't considered you at all in all this.

You need to show your mother the texts. Find out if she gave them your phone number or if it was sneakily taken (she'll need to know this ASAP). If she gave it, then she may not have been clear on what you explained to her, or perhaps the boyfriend convinced her otherwise. It looks very possible that there is a lot of pressure coming from him in all this. Explain to her again that you aren't blaming anyone (unlike what the boyfriend's message rather rudely states) and that it's just a big change and you need time emotionally to get used to it. Pushing things to go too fast will destroy any chance of a good relationship with these strangers.

Please keep us updated if possible. This is an awful thing to have happened and I really hope it's resolved easily.

[Allyson]

How old is Ally? I do have some sympathy for her if she's quite young and was perhaps told that you really wanted to meet her, and she should send this text, no really, do it for your dad! kind of thing. Not that that means you should answer her, but I wouldn't necessarily throw her in the same boat as Robert, for whom I have no excuse. If they really did write those messages, since as another poster said they seem quite odd.

Good luck, this sounds really stressful!

[snowdragon]

Honestly - this would would assure me that I never want to meet this man. He has no call to make digs at the OP's dad and if anyone took a swipe at my father, there would be ehell to pay.

 I would be responding - 'dear robert, do not contact me again - and tell your daughter the same. the comments you made about my father were unwarranted and unappreciated. I am having your number blocked'   

I would ask mom if she gave my number to this stranger (to me) and if so I would be livid.

[Tiamet]

How old is Ally? I do have some sympathy for her if she's quite young and was perhaps told that you really wanted to meet her, and she should send this text, no really, do it for your dad! kind of thing. Not that that means you should answer her, but I wouldn't necessarily throw her in the same boat as Robert, for whom I have no excuse. If they really did write those messages, since as another poster said they seem quite odd.

Good luck, this sounds really stressful!

This is what I was thinking - if Ally has no idea that the OP's mother is in the process of a divorce and has been told that this is a long standing relationship and the OP is dying to meet her ahead of a wedding that is coming up soon, this is actually a very nice, friendly text.

Robert on the other hand has no excuse unless, of course, the OP's mother didn't pass on her desire not to meet him yet.  Mind you, even if that is the case the phrasing of the text is appalling - he manages to slur the OP's father and imply an affair in a few short lines.

[delabela]

This is one of the most boundary-tromping things I can imagine someone doing.  As people said earlier, maybe not on the daughter's part, depending on her understanding of the situation, but Robert...I have no words.

I can not even begin to think of any polite reply other than ignoring the texts.  What can you even say? 

[Harriet Jones]

Yuck.  At a minimum, OP, you need to let your mom know that it's still too soon for this kind of contact. 

[Surianne]

These texts are *so* inappropriate that I actually am agreeing with the poster upthread who thinks they sound fake -- like your mom sent them both.

I agree with those who say not to be too harsh on the daughter, since you have no idea what she's been told.  The father's text was beyond out of line.

[veronaz]

This is one of the most boundary-tromping things I can imagine someone doing............  [snip] 

delabela, if you don't copyright the term "boundary-tromping" immediately, I plan on stealing it!   

@weeblewobble:

I would not be surprised to find that your mom "borrowed" her boyfriend's phone and the daughter's phone for some contrived reason and sent these messages. 

Interesting theory.  Except for the daughter's lunch invite.....sounds like Robert & daughter DID send the text msgs (perhaps at Mom's urging/prodding).

[Otterpop]

If the texts really came from father and daughter, they are aggressive, impatient and immature - big red flags.  It would take most people a lot more than 4 months to get over a 25 year marriage and then play happy families with the "steppies."  Who knows if these new people are transitional, temporary or a bad fit?  Why invest time with the new guy and family if the mother hasn't known him that long.  I would be alarmed for my mother, tell her what happened and tell them to back off until enough time has passed.

[gemma156]

25 years is a lot of time invested in a family unit.  It's ok for you and your siblings requiring time to come to terms with your feelings of grief and loss over the changing dynamics of your family.  Take as long as you feel comfortable in adjusting without feeling any guilt in doing so. 
My advice to the txt's would be don't respond, just block the numbers and go about your business.  By issuing a dignified silence you can't say anything hurtful or damaging to the relationship with your mother, while you adjust to your new family situation.  When your ready and their still there with your mother then you can slowly get to know them by intergrading with your mother's new life.

Change is a part of life and sometimes it can be a painful one to have to navigate, take care.